by Katt Rose
A tight feeling overtook the pit of my stomach. I hated her. I could feel my features pull in disgust at the mere sight of her. She, like I, had fake long, over bleached hair. Her makeup was heavy and flawless, her clothes designer. I studied her thick lash extensions and realized with a sick jolt that we looked strikingly similar. My eyes continued to sweep her features, all the while comparing my own. Nikki was the one to push the idea into Sean’s head that I needed a trainer. And so, he got me to work with hers. Nikki was tall and graceful, her frame fit, and her chest gathered attention. I looked down at my own chest quickly, and knew I didn’t have much in that department. She had recommended her surgeon to me, in apparent small talk, but I refused volatilely. Though my frame was fit, it would never be model lithe, like her own.
Nikki quickly gave me the once over and raised the pitch in her voice. “Emmy, it’s so nice to see you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.”
I hesitated before answering. “Hi Nikki. It’s nice to see you too.”
Nikki raised a manicured brow and studied me. “Huh.” She reached into her purse and pulled out a small bottle. She leaned over the table and rolled it toward me. I glanced at the tube that lay in front of me.
“It’s concealer. It does wonders to hide the dark circles. You can have that one if you’d like.”
My blue eyes burned into her and she smiled her flawless smile. But I saw the two-faced gleam hiding beneath the makeup. Sean cleared his throat and I hesitantly looked his way. His lips were pressed together tightly as well as his hands. This seemingly simple act of Nikki was a personal hit to Sean. His trophy wasn’t gleaming like he came to expect.
I picked up the tube and placed a smile on my face. “Thanks. I’ll have to try it sometime.”
Nikki smiled coyly. “It’s like sleep in a bottle.”
“Fantastic.”
Sean’s eyes bore into me for a moment. I looked away and focused my gaze to the table. He seemed somewhat satisfied with my response and continued on with where the men had left off earlier.
“Do I not give you enough?”
I groaned at the sharp tone of Sean’s voice. “You give me more than I want, Sean.”
“Well then I’m confused. All you have to do is look put together. You’re appearance reflects directly upon me.”
“If you would take a step back from your work, for once in your life, maybe you’d realize that I’m dealing with a lot right now. And it’s been extremely hard on me.”
“Is this about your mother again?”
“Of course it is!”
“Em, there’s nothing you can do about it and I’m paying for the care. What exactly do you have to worry about?”
I sucked in a sharp breath. And there it was. It always came down to the money for Sean. “I never asked you to pay for it. I could go back to work again. Don’t you forget that you’re the one who asked me to stop.”
“Of course I asked you to stop. You taught people how to bend at unnatural angles. Yoga isn’t a career. Money’s not an issue, don’t worry about it.”
I backed away and sat down on the edge of the bed. Sean stopped pacing and looked my way. “I need you with me, Em. You’re my other half. You know that, right?”
He took another step closer and placed his hand against my cheek. “I can book you a day at the spa, would you like that?”
“Not everything can be fixed with money, Sean.”
He pulled his hand away. “Well then what? What do you want?”
“I need a distraction. I need to do something.”
Sean darkened. “Do something? You have a lot on your plate already.”
I barked out a laugh. “Like what? Shop? Workout? That’s not a life. I need more than that.”
“Since when?”
I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. “Since always! You took everything away from me that I love. I need more than this!”
“We have a fundraiser to go to this weekend. That should give you something to look forward to. Everyone will be there, it will be huge.”
Disappointment knocked at my heart. “That’s not what I mean. I need more.”
Sean took three large strides toward me. He slipped his hands over mine and stood me up. “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy working lately.” He pressed his lips to mine, and his hands began working against my side.
“I’m not in the mood, Sean.”
“You will be.”
I wriggled out of his grasp. “Not tonight.”
Sean blew out a frustrated breath. “You’re impossible. I’m going to bed, I have an early morning.”
He stormed past me and slammed the bathroom door. Frustration coursed through my blood. I grabbed my laptop and placed it under my arm and marched downstairs. I stretched out on the couch and flicked open the screen. The bright blue light from the screen stung my eyes against the blackness of the night. I fumbled my fingertips against the keys and began to search my mother’s disease. None of what I read was comforting to me. I slammed the laptop shut and stretched out on the couch. I closed my eyes and let sleep and the heaviness of the day take over.
“Do you think you’ll ever stop dancing?”
“Not as long as I’m breathing.”
“You really love it, don’t you?”
My mother’s features took on a dreamy look. “It’s apart of who I am. The passion I have for dance seeps into my very core. Why do you ask?”
“I’m just wondering what it’s like to love something so much.”
My mother raised a brow and studied me. “You look sad. Don’t you have anything, anything at all that you love to do? You strike me as someone who would have a passion.”
“I used too.” I whispered.
“Tell me, what is it?”
“I used to ride horses and compete. I got pretty good at it actually. I had a bad fall six years ago and had to take quite a bit of time off from riding. My doctor recommended yoga to help aid with my recovery, and I fell in love with that as well. I actually became an instructor for awhile.”
“Yoga is kind of like dancing. “My mother tilted her head to one side. “You don’t do either anymore?”
Emptiness gnawed at my flesh. “Not so much anymore.”
“Why not?”
“Life took over I guess.”
“Nonsense. If you love something that much, you never let it simply stop.”
I couldn’t help but smile, just a little. “I suppose.”
My mother looked deep in thought and frustration overtook her. “I don’t remember your name but you seem familiar to me, somehow..”
“My name is Emmy. You and I visit frequently.”
“Emmy? That’s a pretty name.”
“Thank you.”
“Emmy? I’m feeling tired. I think I may have a nap. Will you come visit again soon?”
“Of course I will.”
“Okay, good. Oh, and Emmy?”
“Yes?”
“Go find the things you love. You’re too young to look so lost.”
I forced a smile. “I’ll try my best.”
More often than not, my mother no longer recognized who I was. Though she couldn’t recall my name, she always took comfort in my presence. We enjoyed long talks and laughter and she still gave me words of wisdom. Despite knowing that my mother was fading away, I still sought out the comfort in her presence and relied on her to help guide me through the dark. Deep down, my mother still lingered in the fog…she was just living in a different time, but the core of who she was still remained and I hung on to that like a lifeline.
As I sat into the driver seat of my car, my phone rang. “Hello?”
“Hi Emmy, it’s Nikki.”
My lip curled in disgust. “Ah. How are you?”
“Oh, I’m fine. I’m calling on behalf of Sean. He’s asked that I accompany you shopping for this weekend’s event.”
“Oh?”
“He knows I have impeccable taste. So, are you free right
now?”
And what, my fashion is chopped liver? I clenched my fist together and gritted my teeth. “Sure.” I spat out.
“Fantastic. I’ve also booked you a hair appointment. Meet me at the salon in half an hour. Bye darling.”
The phone clicked and Nikki’s overly sweet tone faded away. “Who does she think she is?” I muttered.
I raised my eyes to the mirror in the visor and opened it up. I studied my reflection and gently ran a hand through my hair. I tilted my head from one side to the other and smiled softly. My mother’s voice ran through my head and I nodded to myself. It was time to start finding myself again.
CHAPTER THREE
I arrived at the salon to find Nikki pacing in her high heels and skin tight dress. I turned off the car and took a deep breath of patience. “Here we go,” I whispered.
I pressed myself out of the car and met up with the impatient blonde. Nikki’s eyes widened and she grabbed me by the arm. “It’s about time you showed up. Hurry up!”
I allowed her to drag me inside the salon. The familiar scent of hair products and shampoo filtered my lungs. Nikki placed a dazzling smile on her face and let go of me immediately. She began chatting with the hairdressers and tossed her platinum hair over her shoulder.
“Emmy? Are you ready?”
I turned to my hairdresser Lonna. “Yes.”
Lonna struck up a conversation as I settled into the chair. I listened quietly and gave her my two cents when needed. She draped the black gown over me and began to comb out my long, fake hair.
“The usual?”
“Actually, no.”
Lonna looked taken aback as the comb paused mid air. “Oh? What were you thinking?”
“I want the extensions gone and my original hair color back.”
Lonna shifted her weight and her eyes flew to Nikki. “Are you sure?”
“Yes. It’s my hair after all. C’mon Lonna, work your magic.”
“I wasn’t expecting this is all. Don’t you have a fundraiser this weekend? It can be risky to make such a drastic change before a big event.”
Impatience reared its head. “Look Lonna, if you won’t do it I’ll go somewhere that will. It’s my hair, I can do whatever I want with it.” I cringed as the words escaped my lips, knowing I sounded like a spoiled child. But for too long decisions had been made for me. For too long, I went ahead with everyone else’s vision. It was time for me to start making my own.
“Oh, of course you can. No, no. I’ll do it.”
“Thank you.”
As Lonna began to take out my extensions, I glanced over at Nikki. She was so deep into her conversation she wasn’t even aware of what transpired around her. As long as she was the center of attention, all was right in her world.
“Okay, they’re out.”
I stared into the reflection and smiled. My natural hair fell just below my collarbone. I raised my fingertips to the ends and touched it ever so gently. I tossed my head from side to side and smiled. “It feels so light. I love it!”
Lonna smiled, just a little. “Are you sure you want to change the color as well? Too much change in one day might be a little overwhelming.”
“Nope. Bring me back to my natural color. I’ve always hated the bleach look.”
Lonna bit her lip, and then reluctantly nodded. “I’ll go and grab the color samples. I’ll be right back.”
“Thank you.”
Lonna appeared a moment later and handed me the book of colors. I studied them and my eyes fell to one particular color. The color was a rich brunette, the color of espresso. I smiled broadly and tapped a polished nail. “This is the one.”
“Are you sure?”
“Lonna!” My tone was sharp.
“Okay, I’ll mix it up.”
I nodded briskly. “Thank you.”
At that moment, Nikki’s eyes had strayed ever so slightly from her conversation and they fell on me. Her mouth formed into a perfect “O” as she stomped over.
“What happened?”
“What do you mean?”
“To your hair!” she snapped.
I shrugged my shoulders and smiled. “Nothing. I wanted the extensions out. I miss my real hair.”
At that moment, Lonna entered the room mixing the color. Her steps faltered as she took in the scene. Her body went tense and I could tell she wanted to flee. “Lonna!” I snapped. “Don’t even think about it.”
Nikki’s eyes landed upon her and she took in the bowl of color. “What is this?” she growled.
“I wanted a change.” I replied immediately. “Back off Nikki and let her do her job.”
Nikki’s sharp gaze challenged me but I held on strong. A moment of uncertainty crossed her features before she stormed away. Lonna took her place beside me and began painting on the color. There were no more attempts at conversation to be tried. I waited until the color was applied and Lonna wrapped my hair into a tight bun.
“I’ll be back in twenty minutes.”
“Sounds good.” I settled back against the chair and waited for the minutes to tick by. From behind, Nikki sat in the waiting area, cutting her fuming gaze into me the entire time. The timer eventually went off and Lonna came over. She nodded to the sink and I followed. Once my hair was washed I took my place in the seat once more. I kept my eyes to the floor the entire time. I didn’t want to see the color until my hair was completely dry. My heart began to beat rapidly in my chest, enough so that I heard it loudly within my ears.
“It’s done.”
“Oh my god, what have you done? Sean is going to kill me!” Nikki screeched from the background.
The stress in her voice brought me great joy as I raised my eyes to the mirror. My reflection caught me off guard and I let out a surprised gasp.
“Oh, I knew it! The change is too much, isn’t it?” Lonna wailed.
I leaned closer toward the mirror and studied myself. The Espresso color was a rich shade. Depending on how the light hit it, there was the faintest shimmer of red. The blue in my eyes shone royally and the color complemented my skin tone. It brought out the slightest of freckles across the bridge of my nose. I let out a light laugh and stood up. I turned to Lonna and wrapped her in a bear hug.
“Thank you so much! I feel like myself again.”
Lonna let out a sigh heavy in relief. “You’re welcome.”
I tore the cape off and grabbed my purse. I walked up to Nikki who continued to glower at me and I gave her a hearty slap on the back. “Bill it to Sean.”
“Where do you think you’re going?” she whined.
“Shopping apparently.”
“We were supposed to go shopping together.”
“I think I’ll choose my own dress.” With that, I let the salon door slam behind me.
Once I left the salon, I had every intention of going dress shopping. It wasn’t until I caught my reflection in the side mirror that a wave of emotion sucker punched me and I had to pull over. I didn’t need another dress, I had a closet full of them, and if I I‘m being truly honest, I could care less to have one more. I slid my gaze to the small rear view mirror and studied my reflection. It was only a change of hair color, but to me it was so much more than that. It was a small step toward the girl I used to be, the girl I used to be proud of. The girl who knew where she was going in life, who had a voice of her own and would never slip into closets and cry alone in the shadows.
The tears began to slip away as I let the past three years hit my heart. My stomach turned as the knot deep inside twisted tighter. My limbs began to tremble and my heart raced. The loud thumping in my ears beat like a drum as I struggled to take a steady breath. This was a feeling I had begun to know all too well. It happened when I took a long and hard look at my life. Sean’s presence somehow erased my own and I became nothing more than a shiny item he could call his. How on earth did I let that happen? My voice became nothing more than a whisper, my ideas were unrealistic and shot down, even my own personal appearance got altere
d. It was alarming knowing that not only did I let this happen, but at the time he made me think it was what I wanted. And I somehow believed him.
Sure, financially I never had to worry anymore. But it came with such a strong price. My happiness. My freedom. Me. My choices were no longer my own, my day was structured minute by the minute with meaningless tasks that were designed to make me feel useful. Panic attacks would often find me and I would slip away, unnoticed by the one I shared a life with. When they finally passed, I would cry for hours. And then my mother got sick. It was another thing being lost, only this was one I could never replace.
My life before Sean wasn’t without its struggles. I competed on my horse and when we did well at shows, the money was half decent and it got us by for quite sometime. In the meantime to make ends meet, I took on a part time gig as a yoga instructor and took photos for local events. I loved my life, I was happy then. The choices were my own, and I was doing what I loved to do, complete with a solid support group of friends. Of course, they didn’t fit into Sean’s “crowd” and I let him erase them over time as I allowed him to pull me away from everything I had loved.
Thinking back to it all, the day I sold my horse was the day a large part of my identity died. I remember feeling a physical ache the morning I loaded my boy into the trailer. When the rumble of the engine started and those truck tires pulled away carrying away my precious cargo, I broke. My knees faltered and I fell to the ground as I watched my hopes and dreams get lost amongst the gravel dust.
I shook my head fiercely as the memories came out to haunt me. I wiped the tears away briskly from my swollen eyes and started the car. I stepped on the gas hard and began heading to the care home where my mother stayed. As I drove to the familiar building, I hoped and prayed with all my might that her mind would be here with me today. I needed to talk to someone who was in my corner more than ever. As I entered the parking lot I raised my foot off the gas and coasted into a vacant spot. Once my feet hit the pavement I took off running and arrived breathlessly into my mother’s room. The noise startled her and she jumped.
