by Katt Rose
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”
My mother turned and her eyebrows rose. She stood up from her chair and walked over to me with the smallest of smiles. She raised her hand against my hair and smiled. “There she is. It’s been awhile.”
I was unsure of how to answer. Did she even know who I was? She must have sensed my hesitation for she let out a chuckle. “That blonde washed you out something terrible. And the length was too much; it looked like you were hiding beneath a curtain. “
It was then I realized my mother was lucid, and once again, my tears fell freely. Only I couldn’t feel an end to them. Sobs escaped my lips and my body racked from the effort.
“Emmy, honey. What’s wrong?”
“I-I-I…”
“Come here. Shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. It’s all going to be okay.”
Though my mother was small, she wrapped me in a hug that rivalled any bear. She led me to the couch and I stayed in her embrace until the tears stopped and my breathing quieted.
“Are you worried what he’ll think?”
“A little. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now…”
My mother scoffed. “Emmy, I think you need to ask yourself if you’re in a good relationship. All you did was change your hair color and now look at you. Honey, it’s only hair. What made you do it?”
“I missed feeling like myself.”
“I missed seeing you like this. You shouldn’t be worried to do things for yourself. It’s your life, you don’t need to walk on eggshells it’s not healthy. It’s only hair for heavens sake.”
I let out a deep sigh and sat upright. “I know.”
“To be honest I’m surprised you’ve made it this long. You were never one to play within the rules for very long.”
A smirk crept up. “I remember.”
“Emmy?”
“Yes, Mom.”
“I need you to really listen to what I’m about to say.”
“Of course.”
“Please don’t stay here just for me. I’ve been watching you for quite some time and there is nothing more heartbreaking than watching your own child drown in front of you. I need you to break free of whatever it is that is boxing you in, and for the love of God, please live your life. Find what makes you happy and do it.”
“Mom, I am happy.”
“That’s an outright lie. Do I look like an idiot to you?”
I hung my head and lowered my voice. “No, you are anything but.”
“Emmy, look at me please.”
I raised my eyes to her and she nodded. “Good. My darling daughter, look around you. Look where I am. Life is too short and precious to spend it being so miserable. It’s a waste. You are not a weak, frail girl. You are smart, driven and determined. You wanted your life to be an adventure, and so my girl, go find it. Leave the nest, spread those wings and fly already! “
Before I could respond my mother stood up and grabbed my hands. “Stand up.”
I did as told and watched her in shock. “Mom, I-“
“Shush. Don’t say a word. Just give me a big hug.”
I didn’t have an option in the matter as she drew me close and tight. I threw my arms around her and gave her a tight embrace. My heart faltered slightly and tears began to form. “Mom, what’s happening?”
She broke the grasp and stood back. “Come back and see me when you’ve found the joy within yourself. I’m not going anywhere. I do not want to see you until those eyes of yours have some light again. Do you understand?”
I knew better than to argue with her when she took on that tone. No matter how old I was, I was still her daughter, and she would always be my mom. I nodded feverently. “I promise.”
“Good. Now give me one more hug.”
I did as asked. As I turned to walk away I stopped at the door. “Mom? Is it okay to be scared?”
“If you aren’t scared than you’re not doing it right.”
I blew out a breath. “Okay.” I managed a small laugh. With one last smile, I turned away and left my mother standing alone in her room.
The house was near empty when I stepped into the foyer. The housekeeper bustled in the next room and I gave her a gentle wave. Sean was still at work no doubt. Out of habit, I entered the walk in closet and pulled out a royal blue dress. I slipped out of my day clothes and stepped into the elegant garment with the low cut back. Once I zipped the dress on snug, I sat down on a soft seat to apply my makeup for the evening. I gazed at my reflection and ran my fingertips through my new hair. How was Sean going to react to this? Would he like it? Would he hate it? The small flutter of butterflies began to stir and I tried my best to shake them away. No! No! No! It was my hair, on my body. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought. This was all me.
For years I had kept my hair pin straight. It was how he liked it. But tonight was a night of embracing the old becoming the new. I rushed from my seat and ran back to the closet. I stood up on my tippy toes and pulled out an old shoebox. I rummaged through my old memorabilia and found a bottle of sea salt spray. The sight of the familiar bottle brought a flood of memories back to when my life had no restrictions. I spritzed the spray into my hair and crunched the hair within my palms. The sea salt brought out my playful waves. I continued to scrunch my hair until I reached my desired look.
“Emmy?”
The shock in his voice sent me whirling in his direction. “Sean! You nearly gave me a heart attack! I didn’t hear you.”
Sean’s eyes stayed wide as he continued to study me. I grew uncomfortable with the silence and began shifting from foot to foot. “Well,” I began cautiously. “What do you think?”
Sean closed his mouth and shook his head. “I-you look so different.” Sean ran his hands through his hair in frustration. “Maybe we can still fix it in time.”
“Fix what? My hair?”
“Don’t be smart with me. Of course I mean your hair. People won’t recognize you!”
“But I like this look.”
Sean blew out a frustrated breath. “Fine, get your shoes, we have to go.”
The drive over was uncomfortable, not a word was spoken. The noise of the tires on pavement filled the small cab. I did my best to ignore Sean’s disapproving gaze and set jaw by keeping my eyes glued to the world outside as it blurred by.
The party was the same old thing. The same faces, same smiles, same boring chatter that I wasn’t truly apart of. I ignored the silent stares and whispers from the bystanders. She’s rebelling. Who does she think she is? What is she trying to prove? For christ sake, it was only hair. But you see, in a world where everyone is so desperate to be the same, change can be a scary thing, no matter how small. Throughout the night Sean grew tense. His smile was strained as he glanced my way. He gripped my hand a little tighter than necessary as he dragged me from conversation to conversation. I looked around at the dining hall. It was packed to the brim, noise from laughter and alcohol induced chatter began to echo off the walls, and I had never felt more alone. Finally the night came to an end. I followed Sean to the car and slid into the passenger seat, kicking off my heels.
“That was a rough night, Em.”
“I thought it was the same old thing to be honest.”
Sean gripped onto the wheel tightly; his eyes were laser focused on the road. “If you planned to intentionally embarrass me job well done.”
My hands flew to my hair by instinct. “If this is about my hair, I think we need to let that go. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“It is to me Em. We are a couple. You stand beside me, you represent me.”
His words squeezed my heart. It was just hair…my hair. How could something so meaningless have such a big impact? How could his voice, his tone actually make me feel guilty?
Sean cleared his throat. “Can you change it back?”
I could, but I won’t. Not for you. Not anymore. Tears welled in my eyes. “No.”
Sean stole a nano second of a glance my wa
y. “I see. I’ll try to get used to it then.”
I nodded curtly. “I looked like this when I met you. Why are you so bothered by it now?”
Sean didn’t take his eyes off the road. “I’ve always had big plans for you. Don’t stray from them now.”
“Whatever happened to asking me what I want?” I whispered. But my voice was lost amongst the revving engine and disappointment.
CHAPTER FOUR
I didn’t know him anymore, more importantly, I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had gotten lost over the years and it was getting harder and harder to find the exit. I pondered on the thought and wondered if there was anything more heartbreaking than feeling completely alone while sharing a life with someone. No, there isn’t.
Sean was out like a light next to me, sleeping blissfully. I envied how easy sleep came for him. When darkness fell, my mind unleashed the beast. Thoughts of my mother and everything I was loosing ran rampant; all of my fears and worries took over. The tears, as usual, began to fall and I was too tired to hold them back, but this was nothing new these days. Countless nights I cried myself to sleep with Sean at my side, only he never noticed, or didn’t care. I could never tell. I let out a shuddery breath and let the heaviness close my lids. The darkness crept in until I finally dozed off.
I dreamt of him. I hadn’t dreamt of him in over a year. I tried not to think about him, for selling him had stolen a piece of me. It was the scene I wanted to forget, the day his new owners arrived. He was tied in the alleyway of the barn, groomed to perfection. His copper body gleamed like a new penny, his black mane and tail as smooth as any vain women’s hair. My hands trembled as I placed his stable quilt over his well-muscled frame. I remember I couldn’t breath as the sobs had stolen my very breath. Ace knew something was up. He danced in agitation and his warm brown eyes filled in concern. “Be a good boy. I’m so sorry. I love you. Never forget that.”
I gave his neck a hearty pat and planted a kiss on his nose. His expressive eyes followed my every move. What’s wrong? They seemed to say.
“Emmy?”
I flinched at the sound of her voice, his new home. His new person. “I can’t do it.” I fumbled.
“I know. It’s okay. I can load him.”
I stole one last look at my pride and joy. “Please take care of him. Be kind to him.”
“I will. I promise.”
My eyes drank him in for the last time. I had to force my dead limbs to walk away. I grabbed my purse half hazardly and swung it over my shoulder. My muddy boots marched unsteadily beneath my feet and the smell of leather and hay rushed past me. I stepped out of the barn and turned the corner. I couldn’t make it to my truck. Instead I pressed my back against the barn and heard Ace calling for me. The sound tore a hole in my gut. I knew his sounds; this one was full of concern. He wasn’t going to make this easy on his new person. I could tell from the high pitch he had used. Another neigh tore through the barnyard. I heard his hooves clack as he tried to bolt. I peeked around the corner and saw his new girl keeping a firm hand on the lead rope as Ace danced in nerves. He held his head high, his neck tense. A man walked up to Ace’s new person, I’d guess it was her boyfriend. I never asked nor did I care. I watched as they tried to reassure my horse. Ace relaxed his neck ever so slightly, but even from a distance I could see how wild his eyes were. The two of them walked Ace up to the empty trailer that awaited his arrival. Ace balked and put the brakes on. Again he called. Please load. Be a good boy and step into the trailer. Please.
I watched for fifteen minutes as my horse worked up a sweat and his voice grew hoarse from calling. I buried my head in my hands and let out a curse. I did not want things to end this way. I did not want to be the one who had to load him into the trailer; I did not want to be the one to close the door and block out his sunshine. Fuck Ace. I forced my heavy body away from the barn and I took off running, towards him.
“Ace!” His body came to a halt and he let out a loud neigh. “Easy boy, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” I tore the lead rope out of his new owner’s hand and pressed myself against him. “We’re okay. You got this buddy.” I gave a gentle tug and walked towards the ramp. Ace followed but he was hesitant. I stared into the dark trailer and felt Ace let out a heavy sigh. He could feel the change. He could sense the end.
His hooves gingerly stepped up the ramp and into the trailer. I secured him inside and took his head into my hands. “Be a good boy. Promise me.” I silently counted to three and backed out of the trailer. As soon as Ace realized I had left, the trailer began to clang and rattle. He pawed at the ground and desperately tried to turn around, toward the exit, towards the light.
“Shut the door, Brian!” Ace’s new people slammed the door and locked it in unison. She shot me a stressed smile. “Thanks for the help. We’ve got to get a move on.”
I watched in horror as the trailer swayed side to side. I watched until the black truck disappeared down the drive, carrying my precious cargo. As the truck rumbled out of sight, Ace’s attempts in trying to fight the metal box that carried him away echoed in the empty day. My body could take no more. My legs gave out and I met the cold ground heavily. I tucked myself into a ball and squeezed my eyes shut, desperately wishing I could forget what I had just witnessed. A strong, warm grip grabbed my elbow and pulled me up. “Emmy. It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay.”
“You didn’t see him, Chase. You didn’t see him. What have I done?”
Chase wrapped me in a tight embrace. “We’ll get through this.” And I believed him. With everything I had, I believed him.
The sound of the incessant alarm drew me from my restless slumber. I sat up groggily and blew the hair out of my eyes. I slipped my cold feet into my morning slippers and trudged to the kitchen. My lifeline, coffee, was calling my name. As I waited for my brew to finish the front door slammed shut. Sean strolled into the kitchen wearing a pair of athletic shorts and a t-shirt. His skin was flushed and his hair damp. The veins on his muscled limbs were prominent, a tell tale sign that he had completed a recent workout. Sean gave me a quick nod. “You look tired.”
“Jee, thanks. Morning to you too.”
Sean slipped past me and got to the coffee before I could. I watched as he poured the steaming liquid into his mug. Sean felt me watching him. He set down the coffee pot and studied me. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I just had a bad dream.”
“Oh, that’s it?”
I stepped past him and reached for my favourite mug. “That’s it.”
“When’s the last time you got in a workout?”
I bristled at his scolding tone. “I dunno. Four days ago, maybe.”
“Well, I know what you’re doing today.”
“I’m sure you do.” I mumbled. Jump when I say jump. Smile when I tell you too. You’re mine; I own you.
“You’ve got a closet full of gym clothes. Besides, a workout might be just what you need. You’ve been kind of uptight lately.”
I slammed my mug on the counter. “Excuse me? I’ve been uptight? Are you not aware of what I’m going through?”
Sean let out a heavy sigh. “See this is what I’m talking about.”
“Screw you.”
Sean’s face darkened. “Be careful how you speak to me, Em. You’re walking a fine line. Just do what I say. I know what’s best for you.”
I threw my hands up in the air. “How could you possibly know? You’re never here!! I have to go through everything on my own.”
Sean stepped toward me in a swift movement, knocking my mug in the process. I watched in slow motion as the mug teetered the edge. Gravity won and the mug shattered into tiny pieces across the kitchen floor. Sean blew out a frustrated grunt.”Great. That’s just great.”
“That was my favourite mug,” I whispered.
“It was old and a piece of junk. It didn’t match anything in the rest of the kitchen.” Sean glanced at the time. “Can you clean it up? I have to shower and run to work. We’ve
got a big meeting today.”
I stared at the tiny sharp fragments. “Sure.”
“Oh, Em? Don’t forget; make sure you get in a workout today. Make it your priority.”
I didn’t bother with a response. I reached for the broom and began sweeping up the mess into the dustpan. I stopped at a larger chunk of glass where the faded painting of a horseshoe was still nearly visible. My heart tugged and a knot formed in the pit of my stomach. I picked up the paint shard and turned it over carefully. I could still hear Chase’s voice and see his smile as he gave the mug to me, wrapped in a gift box. I closed my eyes and briefly saw the carnival lights flash. Better days. They are no more. I dropped the piece into the garbage can and tossed the broom into the closet.
I found myself in my gym clothes. Sean’s words were beat into my brain along with his disappointed tone. I slid into my vehicle and started the engine. My dream from the previous night was still with me. Ace. As the years passed I had lost touch with his new owners. Whether they moved and changed their number, or they blocked me I wasn’t sure. I had kept my presence to a minimum, but I liked to ask for an update every once in awhile via text or photo. The disappearance of his new owners had always bothered me, but I knew I had no more rights to him. I gave them up the day they handed me the cheque.
I drove in a daze. I pulled into the packed parking lot of the gym and saw the dedicated people through the large glass windows on the exercise equipment. Skin flushed, breathing hard getting the job done. My hand paused on the door handle and I sighed. My heart wasn’t in it. I stuck the key back in the ignition and backed out of my parking stall. I knew where I would end up. My skin itched at the thought; my heart sped up and twisted with excitement and guilt. The only barn in town was an upscale riding academy, the complete opposite of where I used to frequent. I pulled into an empty spot and stepped out into the brisk air. I shuddered quickly and zipped my jacket up as far as it would go. The thin athletic layers were not built for the current temperature. As I stepped into the flawless barn, goose bumps nipped at my skin. The sweet scent of hay teased my nose and curious horses peeked their heads over the stalls. My eyes took in the barn and I whistled in admiration. Nothing was out of place, not a speck of dirt was to be seen.
