by Katt Rose
“You sure are a lucky horse, you know.” A curious bystander poked its nose at my shoulder. I smiled at the familiar scent of equine. I pressed my hand against its forehead. My fingers automatically began playing with the horse’s forelock. Warm brown eyes watched my every move but there was no sign of distrust. My heart flopped and I stepped back as if I had been stung.
“I can’t do this. I can’t be here.” I turned on my heel and ran back to my car. I slid inside quickly and slammed the door with more force than necessary. I stared at the gray sky, I had nowhere that I wanted to be; no one that I could run too. I was stuck in an endless circle. The walls were closing in, and I couldn’t escape it. I rested my forehead against the leather steering wheel and stayed there for quite some time. This can’t be my life. This can’t be my forever. I want to go home.
Home. It’s a funny thing isn’t it? The place that I considered home, the place I missed most was no longer mine. I had to leave it all behind, and right now; I would give everything I possessed to have it back. I sat upright and hit my hand against the dashboard in frustration. The blow felt good, and I hit it again and again. “Damnit!” I cried. “God damnit how did I get here?”
My phone jingled. The sound pulled my attention from my self-pity. I glanced at the message and my throat suddenly felt tight. The message was from Elayna, my best friend from back home, or at least she used to be before I cut myself off from the world. “It’s almost Aarons day. My thoughts are with you and your mom. We hope you two are ok. Please don’t be a stranger. We’re all going to visit him at the usual place. I hope you can make it this year. Please, Em. I miss you. We all do.”
I read her message three times through before I gently put the phone down. I stared at it like it was a wild predator. Aaron. You bastard, how could you? Rage and devastation hit me like a ton of bricks. It had been five years since Aaron left his mark. He had been a part of the reason I had to sell Ace, we were in a tight spot and I needed the financial help. Anything and everything counted at the time. My mom had begun to show signs of Alzheimer’s and she had to leave her job much earlier than anticipated. Her medical costs were piling up and after what Aaron had done; it put a real strain on the family unit. A part of me blamed Aaron for my mom’s rapid decline, the emotional strain he caused elevated all the negatives. But on the other hand, at least she was able to disappear into a time before all of this was a reality.
I decided not to respond to Elayna’s text. I brought the car to life and drove to my mom’s care home. Screw the promise of finding my happy. Sometimes, you just needed to see your mom, no matter how old you were. I walked down the familiar halls to her room. She was perched on her favourite chair; her legs were curled under her as she stared out the window. Though I could only see the back of her head, I sensed the sadness in the room.
“Mom? Are you okay?”
“I didn’t see it coming Emmy. I did not see it coming.”
“None of us did, Mom.”
“I should have, I am his mother. It’s my job to protect my children and I let him down. And now look? Where is he, Em? Do you know where he is? He will never smile again, he will never laugh. He is left forever in the dark. In the cold.”
I watched as my mother rose from her chair and began pacing frantically, she was slowly coming un-glued. Her voice began to rise higher and higher into a manic state. I had seen this before and I knew what would come next, the total breakdown. For once in my life, I wished for my mother’s disease to take over and blacken her mind. I didn’t want her to relive this, I didn’t want to go through this again, I couldn’t take it. I wasn’t strong like I once was.
“Mom, look at me, please.”
She carried on as though I weren’t even here. Her voice continued to rise and to my horror she picked up a glass vase and hurled it at the wall. The explosion of glass filled my ears and I watched as the fragments of sharp shards fell to the floor. My mother let out a scream of agony and the tears began to fall violently. Her small frame began to tremble uncontrollably as her sobs took over.
I ran to her and wrapped her in a tight embrace. “Breathe, Mom. It’s okay, everything is going to be okay. You are not alone, I’m here.”
Her sobs grew wild and she let out another unearthly wail. I tried to keep her calm, keep her quiet but I could no longer control the sorrow that had taken over. The nurses ran in and their trained eyes took in the situation with worry. They pushed me back and without a second thought, they administered a needle with clear fluid into her skin. It didn’t take long for her to quiet. She focused her eyes on me and bore her stare into mine. “I need to see him, Em. Take me to him! I need to see him! Please!” she sobbed.
One of the nurses stepped over to me quickly. “What happened?”
I shook my head and stepped back, watching as the other nurse took my sedated mother to her bed. “She remembers.”
“Remembers what?”
“Betrayal. Tragedy. Why do you need to know?” I snapped.
The nurse seemed to be taken aback. “We’re just trying to help. I’ve never seen her like this.”
“I have.” I whispered.
My mother turned to her side on the bed. Once again she locked her gaze on me. “Take me to him, Emmy. Let me see him.”
I said nothing. My tongue felt leaden and heavy. Instead I watched her as the drugs took over and her eyes fell closed. I took a shuddery breath and the horror set in. I realized I would be going home after all.
CHAPTER FIVE
My hands shook uncontrollably as I sat at the kitchen table. I was on my fourth glass of wine by the time Sean got home from work. My phone lay by the near empty bottle of wine and I stared at it like it would be coming to life at any given moment to bite me. I reached for my glass and took a long swig, allowing the buzz from the alcohol to take over. I welcomed it.
“Em?”
I nearly jumped out of my seat at the sound of his voice. My body twitched and the glass of wine tipped over. The red liquid oozed across the table. “Oh shit.” I cried.
I lunged for the paper towels and in my haste my knee slammed against the table leg and it was enough to send the glass falling for the floor. For the second time that day glass spewed across the kitchen floor. “Oh god.” I gasped. It was too much, everything I had tried to escape was rising to the surface and I couldn’t stop it.
Sean for once sensed something was wrong. His arm held me back and he reached for the broom. “Stay back I’ve got this.”
I felt my breaths coming in quick and haggard. I was on the verge of hyperventilating. I pressed my back against the wall and slid onto the kitchen floor. I pressed my knees against my chest and buried my hands in my hair. I watched Sean as he worked quickly and efficiently, cleaning up my mess. His eyes flicked between me and each time our eyes met, I caught the look of worry. Sean dumped the glass into the garbage and he slid beside me.
“What the hell happened today, Em.”
I shook my head and bit my lip. I saw it all over again, playing like a movie. “Aaron. She remembers. It was terrible. They had to sedate her.”
Sean tensed beside me. He knew about Aaron. “Oh shit. That’s coming up isn’t it.” He squeezed my knee. “I’m sorry, Em, I really am. But….” Sean took a careful breath. “You normally don’t let it get to you. You sweep it under the rug and act as if it’s just another day.”
“I know. It’s different this time. She wants me to take her to him.”
Sean shook his head. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to do as she asks. I suppose it’s time for me to go back. I always knew I would have to at some point. We still have the house. Maybe I will finally be able to sell it once and for all.”
“Are you ready for it?”
“No.”
Sean looked at me with something close to tenderness. I hadn’t seen him look at me that way in a very long time. He reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind my ea
r. “I’m going to lose you, aren’t I?”
His words surprised me. “Why would you say that?”
“I know what waits for you back there.”
“Nothing.”
“No, it’s not nothing. I’ve seen the faraway look in your eyes. I know you go back there in your mind. I know where that mug came from.”
I forced my eyes to meet his. “Sean…”
“I see a lot more than you think. I just think you’re better than all of that. I want you to be better. I want you to be mine. But you’ve been fighting me every step of the way. I’m not sure you will come back and all of my hard work will have been for nothing.”
And there it was. The bottom line, what it all boiled down to: himself. It always came back to how it affected him. He was not used to losing. His image was everything and winning was the ultimate goal.
“Do you even love me, Sean?”
“What kind of question is that?”
“An important one. Do you love me? Or am I merely a challenge, a trophy you want next to you?”
Sean stood up. “That’s a stupid question.”
“No it’s not. Can you say the words? Look at me, Sean.”
He did, but not a single word escaped his lips. I kept my eyes locked on his. “Because I don’t. I don’t love you. You have left me to drown time and time again. Not once have you stepped in to save me. Not once have you been there, and I mean really been there for me. I am alone, even when you are physically beside me, I am alone.”
Sean’s mouth opened slightly. I could see him desperately looking for the words that failed to come to him. I stepped forward and raised my hands to his face. “I can’t do this. I am so tired, Sean. Exhausted is an under statement. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this but right now I just need to breathe. And I can’t breathe with you. I just can’t. I need all the strength I can get right now. And I am stronger alone.”
I watched my words sink in. His face furrowed in confusion until the anger took over. He slapped my hands away. “Are you ending this?”
“It’s been over for a long time.”
Sean shook his head rapidly. “You’re not thinking straight.”
I folded my arms in a protective stance. “I’m sorry but I am. I shouldn’t have let it get this far.”
The rejection set in. I saw him recoil. “You’re making a mistake. But let me make one thing clear; if you go back there, you will fall and you will fall hard. “He ran his hand through his hair. “You could never make it in my world. You’d get eaten alive. I should have known better. I wasted a lot of time and money trying to blend you in. It was doomed from the start.” His eyes grew hard as he looked me over.
In that very moment I knew I was doing the right thing. His words left me at peace. I had to leave this behind, no matter what happened this would never be worth coming back too. Sean had proved that time and time again.
“You’re right, Sean. I should have aimed higher than you. You were never strong enough for me.”
He let out a snort. “I hope you enjoy your fall, Em.” He grabbed his keys and left the room. The slam of the front door echoed throughout the home.
I looked around the house one last time and shuddered. It felt colder than usual, I felt strongly out of place. Leave. Get out and run. Now. My feet took action and I ran for the bedroom. I grabbed what little items that I owned; the things that were originally mine before Sean. All of the fancy clothes and shoes would stay. They would act as a reminder to him that he could never change me. I won. I gathered my things and headed for the front door. I took my spare house key off the chain and left it on the end table. With one last glance behind me, I said a silent goodbye. I swung the front door open and shut it quietly behind me. I stepped into the chilled air that threatened snow. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like I could finally breath.
My breath swirled like white smoke in the brisk night. I bounced from foot to foot as I waited for my gas tank to fill. I stomped my foot impatiently until the pump clicked alerting me it was full. “Oh thank god.” I placed the pump back into its cradle and quickly launched myself into my warm car.
Now what? Step one was complete, cut the ties that burdened me. Step two…well, that would be the hard part. Going backwards, from everything that I ran away from. Who in the hell goes backwards? What happened to moving forward? Place one foot in front of the other, just keep moving, don’t go back. Never go back. Leave it all buried in the ground. But I no longer could. The past can never stay buried. It will always rise to the surface and demand to be seen. It needed a proper farewell and I couldn’t say no to my mom. I simply couldn’t. She too, like me, had tried to keep the past locked away. But something had shifted. Her mind needed to see it; she needed to face what she could no longer keep in the dark. And I would go back for her. I had no other choice.
I reached for my phone. I brought up Elayna’s text once more and looked it over again. I glanced at the time, it was late. Without a second thought I dialled her number. Please be sleeping. Please let me get an answering machine.
“Emmy? Is it really you?”
I hadn’t heard Elayna’s voice in so long. The familiarity of it fell over me like a warm blanket. I had missed her so much.”It’s me. I’m so sorry.” My voice broke in an instant.
“What’s wrong? Where are you?’
“I’ll be coming home soon.”
“What’s wrong, Em? I can hear it in your voice.”
Her gentle tone unleashed everything in a single instant. “Everything. My mom, for a start. She’s sick. Alzheimer’s; it came on quick but tonight she remembered Aaron. They had to sedate her. God, Elayna, you should have seen her. She completely fell apart. And I left Sean tonight. I have nowhere to go. I just got caught up in the moment, you know? It felt so good to say good-bye, but my god, I actually have nowhere to go. There’s no one here in this city that I trust. Oh, Elayna, what have I done?”
“Take a deep breath, Em. I’m so, so sorry. Why didn’t you tell me about your Mom? You always have a place here with us. Come over. We have room. Bring your Mom too. Please, come back. You don’t have to be alone. Please come home.”
I silenced my tears. Why had I cut myself off from her? She had always been like a sister to me, and I could only imagine the hurt I had caused her when I left without so much as a word. Over the years she had tried to make contact, and I was always the one pulling away and yet here she was, giving me a safe place without a second thought. It was so Elayna. And running was so…so me.
“Em, are you still there?”
“Yes. I…I just need to pick up my mom from the care home.”
“Let me know when you’re on the way.”
“I will. Thank you.”
I hung up the phone feeling somewhat hopeful. The next big task: taking my mom away from the place that held her safe. What the hell am I doing? I took a determined breath and started the engine. It was now or never. This was the point of no return.
CHAPTER SIX
The Nurse thought I was crazy. I got into a heated argument with her and was referred to the manager of the care home. I explained in great detail of the situation; more so than she deserved to hear. Her stone face barely shifted, barely made a motion. I stared at her dumbfounded wondering if she had a soul. By the end of the conversation she merely gave a small nod and a wave of her hand in dismissal. As I rose from my chair her hard tone stopped me.
“Emmy?”
“Yes?”
“If anything happens to your mother this is on you. We are not liable for the events that take place outside this facility.”
My jaw dropped and I stared at her in slight disgust. How times had changed. Here I was, now getting a lecture from a stranger on what I could and couldn’t do with my mother. I shook my head at the silliness of the thought, I had to ask, no beg for approval for time alone with her. “Do you want me to sign something that washes your hands clean of any mishaps?” I snapped.
&nb
sp; She slightly twitched, as though the words hit a nerve. She briskly slid a piece of paper toward me. “I wouldn’t quite use those words, but yes, I would appreciate if you would sign this before you take her.”
I picked up a pen and glanced over the paperwork, it was full of legalities to cover their ass. I signed the dotted line and left the room without looking back.
Loading up my mother was easy. Her every muscle was tense in anticipation as we left the care home. We both walked with urgency in our steps. I tried to keep my eyes locked only on the exit but my eyes couldn’t help but wander to the patient rooms as we left. Confused, lost faces stared back at me. The sounds of raised voices echoed down the lonely halls. I stole a glance at my mother and she set her jaw in a determined motion and kept her eyes locked to the door that held her freedom. Though she held her posture in a confident manner, she had a slight tremble in her hands. When we stepped into the winter air, she stopped abruptly and clasped onto my forearm. She looked at me in slight wonder and took a deep breath as though she hadn’t been able to breathe in a very long time.
“Mom, are you ok?”
She nodded. “Yes, Emmy. I am.” She turned her body toward me. “We’re going to see Aaron right?”
I flinched at the sound of his name. “Yes, I promised you we would.”
Her body relaxed. “Good.” Her eyes scanned the parking lot. “I-I don’t know what you drive anymore.”
