by Katt Rose
“Follow me, Mom.”
She did. I took the bags from her hands and placed them in the trunk. My mother hesitated slightly before getting in the shiny car. She wrinkled her nose and let out a giggle. “Oh, Em. This is so not you.”
I placed my hands on my hips. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You’ve always been drawn to the older, er, more “vintage” vehicles if you will. This is the polar opposite. It’s so…so…shiny and new.”
I rolled my eyes. “Sean talked me into it.” I let out a shrug. “Get in the car, it’s good on fuel and the heater works and trust me where we’re going, we’re gonna need it.”
My mother slid inside and clasped her hands together neatly. I started the engine and backed out of the parking stall. As I made my way to the freeway the butterflies began to flutter. What are you doing? You’re in so far over your head you have no idea. What happens when your mother’s mind goes into the dark? Can you watch over her? Are you ready to face Aaron? Get ready for it, Em. You’re about to drown. I gave my head a rough shake and clasped my hands tighter against the steering wheel. We drove in near silence, with nothing on but the radio. A part of me was scared to attempt a conversation with my mom, I didn’t want to hear the exact moment that her mind left. Truth be told, I had no idea what to expect, no idea how everything worked.
“Thanks for getting me out of there, Em.”
“You’re welcome, Mom.”
“It was an awful place, you know? I feel like I got lost amongst those walls. The choices were not my own. Everything was forced upon me.”
I winced slightly. I had been the one to put her in the home. Her mind had gotten fuzzy rather quickly and I began to fear for her safety. When I got the phone call from the police that she had driven her car into a pole; it was the final straw. I remember that day so well. I arrived on scene and my heart flopped into the pit of my stomach. Her car was crunched into a light pole and glass was everywhere. My mother was disorientated as the crimson blood ran down her face. She had been crying and fear was etched across her skin. She didn’t remember how she got there, or where she had been trying to go. When she saw me arrive she bolted from the paramedics and fell into my arms.
“Take the keys away from me, Emmy. I need help, look at this mess! It’s happening faster than we thought. I can feel it taking over. It’s a monster. I could have killed someone! Keep me safe, Em. Keep the world safe from me.”
Those words still cut me like a knife. I glanced over at my mother who dozed quietly. Her chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. I kept the music to a low volume and focused my eyes back on the road. I stole a glance at the luminous grey sky that threatened snow. “Three more hours to go,” I mumbled to myself. “Three more hours.”
The drive was breathtakingly beautiful. I watched as the grey swallowed the clear blue sky; the promise of snow hovered from above. The snow covered mountains loomed in the distance, and the never-ending trees stole as far as the eye could see. Even though the heater kept the cab of the vehicle toasty, the road glittered from the ice that lead us into the mountain town that I left so long ago. My mother still slept soundly, and for that I was grateful. My heart beat uneasily at the thought of her waking up; I wasn’t entirely sure who she would be. As the familiar landmarks began to come in view, an overwhelming sadness took hold. Memories and flashbacks of those I walked away from began to take hold.
“We need more lights on the roof line!”
I grumbled as I attempted to untangle the knot of Christmas lights. “I’m not going up there, I don’t do heights.”
Aaron jumped into action and shoved me. As I stumbled he wriggled his eyebrows playfully. “You’re such a girl. Leave it to me.”
I shook the memory out of my head and took the exit that held our destination. Though it had been years, I was fairly confident I knew where to find Elayna. Nothing changed much in this ski town with its chateaus, resorts and walkable tourist friendly villages. I drove through the snow-dusted roads looking for a gas station. I pulled next to the pump and braced for the cold. The sharp wind nipped at my skin and sent the flakes falling from the sky, dancing every which way. I took a deep breath in, and it burned my lungs. As I filled my tank my eyes landed on the snowboard shop across the street. I watched as happy people fuelled by excitement entered the store. The sting of hot tears filled my eyes as Aaron entered my mind once more. That shop was his second home. Jesus, why the hell did I ever come back here? I swear I could still see him with his tousled hair, tall frame and forever smile.
“Where are we? I’m cold.”
My vision broke and I turned to see my mother hopping from foot to foot with her arms crossed tightly against her torso. “We’re home, Mom, well sort of.”
Audrey’s face furrowed. “It’s colder than I remember.”
My body relaxed and I let out a light laugh. “You and me both.”
Audrey stood next to me and studied her surroundings. “Can we grab a snack and a warm drink? I’m famished.”
“Sure thing. There’s a really good café around the corner, well at least there used to be.”
Audrey nodded to the fuel pump. “Hurry up and fill this thing and we can find out. I’ll be waiting in the car.”
Once the tank was full, I slid into the drivers seat and rubbed my hands frantically together. “Holy crap! The temperature is not forgiving here.”
Audrey smiled slyly. “Look at us, we’ve been gone too long. We’re a couple of light weights now.”
I laughed freely. “It appears that way.” I started the car and sighed happily as the heat spilled out of the vents. “Oh man does that ever feel good.”
“It does. Now let’s go! I’m starved.”
“Me too.” I pulled the car out and circled the block until I found the café. We pulled into a parking stall and ran into the warmth of the shop. We placed our orders and found a seat by the fireplace. My mother took a long lingering look around her, and the familiar shadow flashed across her eyes. I knew she was thinking of him.
“Mom? Are you ok?”
She closed her eyes tightly and her chest rose up and down in a laboured manner. When she opened her eyes my heart caught in my throat. She was the definition of torment. “Mom?”
Audrey rose quickly and a hand flew to her mouth. “Why? Why did this happen to me, to us? How could this happen?”
Curious bystanders gazed at us with interest. I sent them a dark glare and stood in front of my mother. “Mom, I think we should go and get some fresh air. What do you say?”
“Fresh air? The cold is bloody unwelcoming out there. Emmy, why? Tell me why? Please, I need to know.” Her voice broke and the tears began to fall.
Shit. I knew this was a bad idea. As much as I mourned the loss of my mother’s mind, in that moment, I wished with everything I had that her mind would fade. I didn’t want her to remember that day. But she wasn’t that lucky. In the distance the bell above the door jingled indicating another customer walked in.
My mother’s sobs rose above the soft music that played quietly in the background. “How does this happen? How can the world keep moving while ours has stopped completely? How am I supposed to get out of bed and keep breathing when I want to die? Emmy, my heart, it hurts so much. How could this happen?”
Dread took over once I realized what was happening. Her mind had faded from the present; however it was stuck in a time loop at the worst possible moment of our lives. Anger quickly took hold of me. As if we weren’t going through enough. As if this stupid disease wasn’t robbing me of my only family member it had to leave her with this memory, one I wished her muddy mind would have the decency to erase forever.
A male voice spoke behind me. The warmth of the tone pierced my skin. “Emmy? Is that you?”
Chase. I turned in disbelief as I stared up at the familiar face I hadn’t seen in so long. His grey blue eyes were marred in concern as he looked from myself to my mother. His dark hair escaped his toque and his face wa
s full with a beard. Damn you, you can still make my heart skip a beat.
My mother’s cries tore my attention back to her. “Mom, we need to go outside.”
“Aaron. Take me to him, I need to see him now!”
Chase looked at me in question but he broke the stare abruptly. With a single stride he took hold of my mother’s arm and led her out the door. He spoke into her ear with words only made for her to hear.
I followed slowly and stepped into the falling snow. Chase attempted to quiet my mother. I watched the scene unfold before me and I had to look away. I’ve seen her like this more times than was humanly kind. Exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks and it became hard to breathe. I looked away and focused on the large flakes that floated to the ground. I took comfort in the power something so small could have as they buried the world flake by flake. Screw you Aaron, you did this to her. You broke her. Are you happy now? This is all on you.
I took another step back and buried my hands in my hair. I didn’t want to be here, I knew we should have never come back. It was too familiar; the hurt was still too fresh. If I had things my way, I would never have come back to this godforsaken place. I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t even notice Chase as he stood beside me.
“It’s been a long time, Em. I never thought I’d see you back here.”
I kept my eyes focused on the shops in front of me. “I never planned on coming back.”
Chase tensed next to me. Another wave of guilt hit me as I realized my words had bite. He was quiet for a moment before he spoke. “I got your Mom to sit in my truck. She’s pretty worked up.”
I bit my lip to keep from crying. “Thank you.”
“Your hands are trembling. Em? Can you look at me please?”
I didn’t answer nor move for a moment. I slowly complied and raised my eyes to meet his.
“What’s wrong with her? It’s like it just happened.”
I couldn’t ignore the steel gaze. “She wanted to come back to see him.”
“That’s not the whole story. You’re missing the part why you look like you haven’t slept in months.”
“So you’re telling me my anti aging beauty creams aren’t working, huh?”
“Em, please. I haven’t heard a word from you in years. You owe me this.”
I broke the gaze. “Alzheimers, okay? She has Alzheimers. Her mind is a bloody mess and more often than not, she doesn’t know who I am. I have been watching her fade away in front of me and there’s nothing that I or anyone else can do.”
I threw my hands up in the air in frustration. “And for some damn reason her mind is stuck on Aaron. She is reliving it over and over and she was hell bent on coming to see him. So, here we are. Is there anything else you would like to know?”
“Is there anyone helping you?”
“It’s just me.”
“Em, you can’t do this alone. Why didn’t you call me?”
“I have to go. Elayna is expecting us.”
Chase studied me for a moment longer and let out a perplexed sigh. “Can you at least let me drive your mom to Elayna’s? She’s calm now. You can follow me.”
I didn’t have the energy to argue. “Okay. Thank you.”
Chase gave me one last look that was filled with pity and a hint of anger before he turned for his truck. I collapsed into the drivers seat and watched as his truck rumbled to life. I placed the car in drive and followed from a safe distance. Here we go.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Elayna and her husband Jay, child hood lovers stood on their front porch in anticipation, Chase must have called to alert them that we were on our way. I killed the engine and stepped outside. As soon as Elayna’s eyes locked on me she ran with a child like giddiness. Her arms enclosed my shoulders and she squeezed the breath out of me.
“It’s so good to see you. We’ve missed you so much.”
I pulled back and managed a smile. “I’ve missed you too. Thank you for letting us stay over tonight, I’m sorry it was such short notice…”
Elayna waved her hand in the air. “Don’t be silly, you are always welcome. She took me by the hand and dragged me to the house. “C’mon, its warm inside. We’ve had the fire going all day.”
I allowed Elayna to drag me where she wished. I passed Jay and gave him a small smile. He nodded in acknowledgment. Chase helped my mom get out of the truck and he took her hand firmly. I gave him a look of gratitude. He nodded briefly and looked away. Chase was always the one to remain calm; he was the man with the plan no matter the situation.
The warmth from Elayna and Jay’s small home made my skin tingle. Elayna began talking a million miles a minute and pranced into the living room gesturing me to follow. I found myself giggling and my sprits lifting; thankful that time hadn’t changed Elayna. She was always the free spirit of the group. As soon as Chase entered the room Elayna swirled around and walked over to my mom and wrapped her in a warm hug.
“It’s been a long time, Audrey.”
My mom studied Elayna for a split second. Her face broke into a warm smile. “It’s nice to see you too, honey.” Her eyes fell to Jay. “I see that you were able to convince her, eh?”
Jay let out a laugh. “I always knew she would say yes to me sooner or later.”
Elayna winked in his direction. “He has always been overconfident.”
Chase cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, Em, can I talk with you for a sec?”
“Sure.”
I followed Chase into the kitchen and kept a safe distance. He turned to me and respected the barrier I created. “I know this is none of my business but what are you doing back here exactly?”
“I don’t know to be honest. Mom was doing fairly well at the home and then….I dunno. She broke down.”
“I see. And you figured the best remedy for that was to remove her from her care?”
Anger swelled inside me. “Please don’t judge me, okay? I’m doing the best I can here. I—she kept going on and on about Aaron. For some reason she has become fixated on him after all this time. She wouldn’t quiet down until I agreed to bring her here.”
Chase nodded slowly. “I really wish you would have reached out earlier. I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through this all alone, I really am. For what it’s worth, you will have help here. My concern though is that you may not be able to handle this on your own…your mom may need 24/7 care, y’know?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. “I haven’t figured out everything yet. She was miserable in the home, in that place. I don’t know what my next move will be just yet, but I’ll figure something out. We have to take this day by day, step by step.” I broke off my words and let out a huge sigh. I forced myself to look at him. “I’m so tired of being scared all the time. I’m so close to coming un-glued, I don’t know how to be brave anymore.” My shoulders slumped and I felt the weariness take over. That was the difference between Chase and Sean; I never had to put on a front with Chase. I could always tell him everything, but then again, we grew up together. We’ve been through it all.
Chase broke the barrier and took me in his arms. I breathed in his familiar scent and let the warmth of his body take over. He kept the embrace short and sweet before releasing me. “You’re not alone in this. You have us. We’ll figure something out, I promise.”
“He’s right. You have us, we just wish you came back sooner.” I jumped at the sound of Elayna’s voice.
I turned toward her kind eyes and let out a sad smile. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you guys in my life, but I’m so grateful.”
My mom cut the moment short. Audrey stood in the doorway looking slightly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m feeling rather tired. I haven’t had a day this exciting in well, since I can’t even remember. Is there somewhere I can turn in for the night?”
Once again Elayna took over. She bounced over to Audrey and took her by the hand. “Follow me.”
I watched them d
isappear around the corner. Chase cleared his throat and nodded to me. “Walk me out at least for old times sake?”
A chuckle arose from somewhere within. “Why not.”
The brisk cold assaulted my delicate skin. I shuddered deeply and followed Chase to his truck. He paused by the door and stared at the graying sky. “Snow’s coming.”
“Feels that way. I don’t remember it being this cold.”
Chase snorted. “You’re a light weight now. You better remember your roots, Em or you won’t make it.”
I tossed his shoulder lightly. “Hush. I’ll be fine.”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know.” The truck door opened in protest as he slid in the front seat. “Get some sleep. We’ll figure this out.”
A warm sensation replaced the cold momentarily. For once, I didn’t feel alone. “Chase?”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for today. “
“Anytime, Em. It’s good to see you back here.”
I went to respond but the loud rumbling engine over shadowed my voice. With a quick wave Chase drove away.
It was the smell of this place; home. I loved it yet I also hated it. I felt like I was stuck between worlds; happiness and fear. My last memory of being home was anger, shock and a pain that was worse than any heartache. But here I was. I had no idea what was going to happen, what my mother hoped to accomplish, hell what I was going to do. It was so unlike me. But my life, our life was now full of unknowns. We were now living moment to moment, not knowing what lurked around the corner.
My mother slept soundly upstairs in the warm house. Elayna and Jay had turned in for the night; I was the only one awake. I paced the house aimlessly, unable to welcome sleep. I curled up on the couch and tossed a blanket around my shoulders. The fire crackled, decorating the room in a faint orange glow. I watched through the window as the darkness outside lightened from the falling snow. The moon bounced off the white hills and the world looked magical. A creak from the floorboards above sent me upright. I took the stairs two at a time and peeked into the guest bedroom.
