by Katt Rose
“Mom?”
Audrey stepped away from the window and twirled around facing me. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“I remember when you and Aaron were little. I had such a hard time keeping you guys inside when it snowed. You two could have played out there for hours on end.”
“I remember.”
For a moment, Audrey’s soft features looked fierce. “So do I.” She shook her head and closed her eyes. “I remember, I always want to remember,” she whispered to herself.
My throat caught and the tears welled in my eyes. Life was a cruel thing. Being a good person did not guarantee you kindness in return, it did not promise happiness. It promised you nothing but surprise. It was a crapshoot at best.
“I feel it, you know.”
My thoughts focused back to my mother. “Feel what?”
“It. Deep inside. I can feel it fighting to take over. It’s like a hungry monster that dwells in the shadows. I’m trying my best to keep it locked away but it’s strong. It wants to break free; it wants to live. It’s a sneaky bastard.”
“Mom, I-“
“Emmy, I want you to live. I want to see you happy, I want to hear you laugh before it takes over, and I mean really laugh. Screw the rules and bloody live. Trust me, take it from a woman who is battling time.”
My mother stepped beside me and took me in her arms. “I need to know that you’re going to be okay. I am so damn proud of you and the woman you have become.”
I broke. As my mother’s petite frame held me, I cried as if I were a child. She stroked my hair and shushed me. Gently rocking me back and forth like when I was a little girl. The tears eventually stopped and I pulled back, wiping my eyes. My mother gave a sleepy smile. “There’s my girl.”
A laugh of disbelief forced its way out. “You must be exhausted. Let’s get some sleep.”
“Sounds good to me. Sweet dreams, Emmy.”
“Night, Mom.”
I crawled into the second bed and nestled under the thick blankets. My eyes blinked heavily and I was gone.
CHAPTER EIGHT
I awoke to the smell of bacon. My eyes fluttered open and I shifted to my side. My eyes flew to my mother’s bed and I jumped up when I saw that it was empty.
“Shit!” I scrambled to the door and managed to stub my toe on the door jam. “Dammit!” I hopped from foot to foot as I tore the door open and ran into the hall. I took the stairs as quickly as I could. My steps slowed from the sound of happy voices.
I rounded the corner and relief swelled over me. My mother was sipping on coffee with Jay and Chase. Elayna danced in the kitchen as she fussed over the open stove. The conversation fell silent as all eyes were on me. I straightened my posture and began running my hands through my hair in a half attempt to tame the bed head.
“Good morning, sunshine.” Chase drawled.
Heat flushed my cheeks and I pulled at the edge of my nightshirt. “Er, good morning everyone.”
Elayna came toward me with a crooked smirk. She passed me a cup of coffee. “He’s completely checking you out,” she whispered.
The redness crept to my nose. “Oh, god.”
Elayna laughed and grabbed my arm. “Come, come. I need some help in the kitchen.” She gave Chase a quick wink and he looked shocked that he was caught.
“Oh how I missed you kids.” Audrey’s pearly laugh filled the room. The sound gave me great joy, followed by a tug of emptiness. How long would it last? Would she ever make that sound again?
Elayna noticed the change in my mood. “Hey,” she nudged me. “We got this, k?”
I half-heartedly smiled. “Okay.” I looked around the chaos that was the kitchen counter. “What can I help with?”
“You’re on pancake duty. Apple cinnamon.”
“That I can do.”
The room was infectious with happy energy. Laughter and upbeat music seeped through the walls. I got lost in it and found myself swaying to the rhythm as I mixed up the thick batter. It had been years since a house felt like a home. Sean rarely let loose to laugh, he was all about work and maintaining control. Love. That’s what had been missing. But right now, this quaint cabin was filled with it and I drank it in like an alcoholic on a binge.
“Foods ready!”
It didn’t take long for the food to be gone. The clean up began and the men stepped up. Jay noticed my incredulous look and shrugged. “I’m well trained, what can I say?”
“I am impressed.”
Elayna smiled like a proud peacock. “What can I say? I’m good.”
Chase cleared his throat and stepped between us. “Can I steal her for a moment?”
Elayna waved her hand in the air. “Sure, sure take her away.”
I followed Chase into the hall. “What’s up?”
He fished something out of his back pocket. “Hold out your hand.”
I did as asked and smiled coyly. The sharp, cool metal erased the smile immediately. I stared down at the keys that lay lifelessly in the palm of my hand. “Are these….?” My voice drifted off.
“Yeah. I’ve been doing my best to keep the place somewhat in order. I haven’t had much time but it’s all secure.”
My breath caught and I looked up at him. “Thank you, I really mean that.” I stared at my feet. “I-I don’t know that I can go back there.”
“Audrey will want to go.”
“I know.” I bit my lip and peered around the corner at my mother, who was the picture of content. I knew how it would change in an instant.
“I’m not ready, Chase. Here, take them back.”
He shook his head. “I have a copy. You keep these.”
My voice hardened. “I don’t want them.”
“Don’t want what?”
I flinched at the sound of my mother’s voice. “Umm…”
Her quick eyes took it all in. “Oh. I see.” Audrey smoothed her shirt down. “Emmy, I would like to see it. If you’re not ready I completely understand. But I need to see it.”
My patience and strength wavered. All I wanted to do was throw the damn things into the depth of the ocean. I wanted the water to swallow them whole and bury it from the world.
“I’ll take you.”
I gave Chase a sharp look. He ignored it. “You might want to bundle up, the cold will take your nose right off.”
Audrey gave him a thoughtful look. “Give me a few minutes.” She disappeared up the stairs.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I hissed.
“I’m giving you a break.”
“Do you know what it’s going to do to her when she’s there? You don’t know how to handle her!”
“Actually I do.” He lowered his voice. “I was there too, Em. I remember the both of you that night.”
I snapped my mouth shut and stepped back. “Right.”
Audrey stepped down the stairs and her happiness was replaced with solemn determination. “We’ll be back honey.”
“Okay. Mom? Be careful.”
“Always.”
Chase gestured her out the door. “I’ll see you later.”
“Call me if you need me.” I whispered.
He shut the door quietly behind him. I ran to the window and watched as he helped my mom hoist herself into the truck. It shuddered to life and crawled down the drive. Crap. She was going home.
Two hours passed. Two. I heard nothing from them. Chase ignored my phone calls. Anxiety fuelled me as I paced a path in the deep snow. Did my mother have a break down? Did she bolt? Was she crumpled on the ground devastated all over again? It was the not knowing that drove my wild march; back and forth, back and forth. My boots crunched loudly under the frozen snow but I paid no attention. My breathing began to labour and escaped in a white puff like dragon smoke. I squinted against the glittering snow and peered down the drive, waiting. Forever waiting. I glanced at my watch once more. Two hours and ten minutes. The sound of tires caused my heart to stutter. I froze mid step
and watched the old truck come toward me. I made no move as the truck halted to a stop. The engine went silent. For a moment, no one moved. Chase watched me from the truck but I could read no emotion from him. I glanced to the passenger seat and saw it was empty. Oh god. She’s gone. My knees wavered but I somehow willed my body to co-operate. My faltering walk quickly became an awkward run. I slammed my body against the driver side door and pulled it open with everything I had. Chase slid out.
“Where is she?”
“Calm down Em, she’s-“
“Chase, where the hell is she? I knew this was a bad idea.” I covered my face in my hands. “”Oh god, if she hurts herse-“
“Hey, that’s enough. Stop. Look at me.”
I let my hands fall from my face and pulled my sight to him. Chase loomed over me and his grey eyes grew serious. I know that look. I released a trembling breath and nodded. “Okay. I’m listening.”
“Get in the truck.”
“Excuse me?”
“Get in the truck. Now.”
I did as told. I slid into the passenger seat and slammed the door with more force than necessary. Chase got in and started the engine. He reversed and pulled a tidy turn as we headed down the drive. He didn’t speak. I narrowed my eyes at him and watched his body language trying to decipher his hidden words.
“Chase, what gives? Where are we going? Where is my mom?”
“Stop giving me the death glare. Audrey is fine.” He quickly glanced my way. “Put on your damn seatbelt.”
I clicked the seat belt angrily into place and crossed my arms like a bratty child. I listened to the hum of the vents as the heater worked tiredly blowing warm air into the cramped cab. “Someone was there.”
Chase’s voice sent prickles down my arms. “What do you mean? Like a squatter?”
“After I took Audrey to the house we went to see Aaron. Someone else was there.”
“Who?” I whispered.
“Your aunt, Samantha.”
“Aunt Sam? What’s she doing here?”
“Your mom called her last night. She asked her to be here in case things get bad. Em, she doesn’t want all this on you.”
Oh mom. Aunt Sam was the complete opposite of my mother. She was a strict Christian, who lived her life by the Bible. My mom was a free spirit who believed in the healing power of oils and karma. She went where the wind blew her. Still, I knew why aunt Sam was here. She was a nurse. She had the knowledge, the connections. She would know what to do when things went south.
“You okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“Okay.”
And that was another reason why Chase held a piece of my heart. He knew when to push and when not too. This was one of those instances. He could read me like a book. He knew when I said no and meant yes. When I wanted help and when I didn’t. He knew how far he could string me along and when too simply stop. I arched an eyebrow. “Chase?”
“Yeah?”
“How was she at the house?”
Pain crossed his features ever so briefly. “At first it broke my heart. She sobbed as soon as we pulled into the driveway. I didn’t push her; if she wanted to turn around I would have taken her out of there. I gave her some time and she pulled herself together. She went into the house and took in everything silently. I kept my distance, it….it felt almost intimate, y’know?”
He shook his head. “She went into his room and shut the door. She was in there for awhile. I didn’t hear her cry. To tell you the truth, I had to go outside to catch my breath and clear my head. I wanted her to be able to say or do whatever she needed without me hovering.” He stopped and his gray eyes looked at me in disbelief. “I don’t know how the hell you’ve been doing this on your own for so long. That prick of a boyfriend was useless. How are you still standing?”
His words hit me. It was a compliment but it also was a side jab. “I don’t know. It’s the hand we were dealt and I’ve been trying to live as best as I—we can.”
The truck suddenly came to a halt. My body lurched forward and the seatbelt locked, stealing the breath from my lungs. The tires locked and we skidded forward five feet on the slick road before coming to a standstill. Chase threw the truck in park, stormed outside and slammed the door so hard the vehicle quivered. My eyes grew wide as he cursed in the silent day. He marched to the box of the truck and laid his arms wearily over the edge. He slammed his palm against it once before hanging his head. I instinctively went to his side.
“Chase? Are you okay?”
“No, Em I am not okay.” He forced his gaze to me, and my heart cracked. “You left. You left everything. Aaron was a part of my life too. It didn’t just happen to you. I was there, I was right there but you didn’t see me. You didn’t see anyone. And all this,“he gestured to the openness of nothing. “Is bullshit. Your mom’s a good woman and this shouldn’t be happening to her, not after everything else. And you, you wasted years of your life being miserable with an asshole who left you to pick up the slack looking after your mom. Why the hell didn’t you reach out? Fuck!” He slammed the side of his truck again and I jumped. He tore off his tuque and ran his hands through his hair. It was almost comical how it stuck out every which way, but nothing was funny about this moment.
His voice lowered.“I should have checked in on you. I should have known how damn stubborn you are.”
Everything about Chase in this moment would be forever burned into my memory. How he was visibly wounded like an animal left for dead. I stood next to him and laced my fingers with his. “I am so, so sorry. I admit, I didn’t think of anyone else during….well, you know. I just needed to get away from everything and everyone that reminded me of how life used to be. Sean was a stupid mistake, one in which I paid for greatly. He was my karma in a sense.” I let out a heavy breath and leaned against the truck. “And in regards to my mom, you’re right it isn’t fair. Nothing about it is fair. But we have no choice. None. We have to cope and move forward as best as we can. My selfish hope is that if her mind goes, she disappears to a happy time in her memories, one where she doesn’t hurt or is vividly aware that her body has betrayed her.”
Chase draped his arm over me and squeezed me close. “You’ve done good, Em. I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you. I’m glad life hasn’t changed you. You’re one of the good ones.”
He let his arm fall away. “Let’s get back in the truck, I want to take you somewhere.”
“What about my mom?”
“Your aunt and her need to catch up, they had a lot to go over.”
“Okay, at least she’s in good hands.”
The truck chirped to life and off we went. I leaned forward to turn up the radio. I let the music float around me and let my mind get lost. I watched the icy roads pass by, admiring the homes as smoke drifted from the chimneys. I noted the white fields and watched in wonder as the light caused the snow to glint like diamonds. The road continued to wind taking us further into the countryside. My interest was slightly peaked as barns appeared up ahead. Chase entered the long drive and killed the engine. A large walnut colored barn stood before us.
“Where are we?”
“A barn. What does it look like to you? C’mon, let’s go.”
Chase sensed my hesitation. He sighed and grabbed me by the hand. “You deserve to do something you love. Let this be an escape for you. I don’t want you to end up on the bottle; I’m amazed it hasn’t happened yet to be honest.”
I shook his hand off and gave him a shove. “Hey!”
He chuckled and regained his grip, towing me along with him. “Follow me.”
I allowed myself to be led away, my eyes taking it all in. As soon as the barn door opened my body nearly went limp from the familiar smells of barn life. Horses stood in the stalls with their thick winter blankets. They pulled lazily at hay from the nets. The familiar snorts of content trickled into my veins.
“Oh wow.” I whispered in wonder.
“Missed it?”
; “Yes.”
“I know the owner of the barn, she’s a good lady. C’mon there’s one guy here who could use some exercise.”
“I’m allowed to ride?”
Chase sighed. “When I surprise you with something, I go all out. You should know this by now.” Chase stopped and pointed to the stall on the end. “Call his name.”
“Excuse me?”
“Watch the stall on the end and say ‘Ace.’”
My heart flip-flopped. “Chase Havens, if you are toying with me right now, I will kill you right here, right now.”
He laughed. “Go on, what are you waiting for?”
I clasped my hands together and gave a small hop. I turned my attention to the stall on the end and gathered my courage. My heart was pounding so loudly it was deafening. “Ace! Where’s my handsome boy?”
A shrill neigh cut through the alley. A loud thump followed as a copper horse slammed his chest against the stall door. His perked ears were tipped as far forward as they could go, listening. He was on full alert as he craned his neck and head toward my call.
“Oh my god it’s him. It’s really him!!” I smacked Chase and took off toward my old best friend. “Ace! I’m here buddy, it’s me.”
I slowed my steps as I approached him. He let out another neigh and his eyes widened in excitement. I held out my hand and ran it down his neck. He lowered his head and I wrapped him in a hug. “It’s so good to see you, bud.”
I tore my gaze away and found Chase. He stood behind us smiling from ear to ear. “Did I do good?”
“You hit it out of the park. How did you find him?”
“It’s a small town. I saw his ad and recognized him immediately.”
“He was for sale?”
“Yeah, the lady who bought him from you kept him all these years. She recently had a kid and no longer had time for him. What can I say? I got a good deal.”
“You own him?”
Chase shrugged. “You could say that. Like I said, I got a good deal.”
“I don’t know whether I hate or love you right now.”
“I’ll take the latter. What are you waiting for? Take him for a spin.”
My eyes settled to Ace. “What do you say buddy? Wanna go for a ride?”
