by Nicole Dykes
I feel Carter stiffen next to me, but just focus on Dane. “Wouldn’t you like to know,” I tease and wink.
He rolls his eyes. “I don’t want to be Uncle fucking Dane either.” He takes a drink, his voice shrouded in darkness. “I have enough people to fucking take care of.”
That makes me feel sad for him. I know he has a lot of responsibility for an eighteen-year-old. “No worries, Dane,” I say and place my cold hand on his knee. “So, no Amanda?”
He bristles again, “Fuck no. She is not getting this dick.”
“She’s not that bad,” Carter says.
“Let her have your cock then,” Dane says easily and I shake my head at them. How ridiculous they both can be when it comes to girls.
“Nah. I’m good right here.” I smile and snuggle next to him. I don’t know how the hell he feels warm out here, but I’m grateful.
Dane’s lips curl up in a smile and he scoots closer to me. “Yeah, me too. And you at least have to stay until it’s not your birthday anymore.”
I laugh at that. “That’s like one minute away.”
He shrugs, “Rules are rules.”
“We don’t follow the rules,” I say with a sly grin as I watch people gathered around, dancing and singing in the night.
All just trying to survive.
“Carter! You’re here.” I’m embraced by Pam, Shaw’s mom, and she doesn’t let me go for a while. She smells like cinnamon and what I think a real mom smells like. Not vomit, weed and whatever the hell other numbing agent. A real mom, that worries about her kid and cares about her daughter’s friends. A mom who cooks dinner when she can.
“Of course, I’m here.” I smirk when she finally lets me go. “It’s Thanksgiving.” Not like my useless parents are going to cook dinner.
Shaw’s mom works two jobs, cleaning houses and at the diner down the block that Shaw also works at, but it still isn’t enough. They still struggle.
She tries though. She tries so fucking hard.
She has flour all over her apron, her brown hair is pulled up and she looks worn and tired. She pulls back away from me, coughing into her arm over and over again, holding up her finger to me as if to tell me to hang on for a second, and it makes my insides turn.
You can tell she was once really pretty like Shaw, but the years have gotten to her. Added wrinkles from years of a nicotine addiction and sadness that just won’t go away. Her hair is starting to go gray and her body is frail.
“I’m glad you’re here. It feels like a long time since you were.”
I was here two nights ago, but I don’t think she knew it. She works really, really late some nights. “I missed you too.”
Shaw walks in from down the hallway where her and her mom’s rooms are located. She looks beautiful as always in a hoodie and jeans with her hair down. “Finally. You’re late.”
I smirk over at her, “Please tell me you didn’t help cook.”
Pam nudges me playfully, “Hey now, my daughter can do all things.” Shaw gives me a satisfied look and I cock my head at Pam who laughs. “Well most.” She winks at me. “She did an amazing job putting the marshmallows on top of the sweet potatoes.”
I laugh as Pam walks across the room, cupping Shaw’s face in her hands. “Gee, thanks mom.”
Pam pulls her into a warm embrace and Shaw flips me off from behind her mom’s back. “I’m going to go finish up. When is Dane supposed to be here?”
Shaw catches my eyes, the worry on her face. He’s been showing up to shit less and less. He’s been late to school a lot and some days skips it all together. I shrug at Pam when she shoots me a questioning glance. “I’m sure he’ll be here soon.”
She smiles at that and goes back into the kitchen. I don’t bother taking my jacket off. It’s fucking cold in here. Like really cold. It seems like the only time we ever experience true warmth is during the summer and then it’s just really hot.
I flop down on the couch and Shaw joins me, sitting with her legs crossed under her and facing me. “Do you really think he’ll be here?”
I have no idea. Dane’s been our best friend for so damn long, but lately it’s like I barely know him.
“Yeah.”
She’s not buying it and I try to change the subject. “It’s cold in here. Is your furnace not working again?”
She leans her side against the couch and sighs. “It’s working, just not well. It’s fine. I get paid Friday.”
“And then what?” She gets paid shit wages.
She looks tired and I know if she wasn’t only eighteen, her looks would match her mother’s. I swallow at the thought, thinking about a nearly forty-year-old Shaw, exhausted from life. From scraping to barely get by.
“Then maybe I can talk Tony into fixing it.”
I huff and lean back into the couch. “No.” Tony is their sleazy landlord, and I don’t like the way he looks at either Shaw or her mother. “That motherfucker won’t charge you money, he’ll want something else.” I pin her with a look, letting her know it won’t happen. “He should fix it for free. You rent.”
She scoffs and laughs me off. “What world do you live in? You know if we make too big of fuss, he’ll just evict us. We’re a month behind as it is.”
Fuck. I need to find a way to make some more money.
Shaw will kill me if I get into the same shit Dane’s into, but I can’t let them live like this. “Maybe I can figure out how to fix it.”
She’s not paying that fucker with a blowjob. That’s for damn sure and God knows he’s all but asked for that type of payment before. She pats my thigh. “Thanks, but I would really rather you not blow up the house.”
“Smartass.” She laughs, but we both look back when Dane busts through the front door.
I notice right away he has a black eye, but he saunters in with attitude acting like nothing is off. “Fuck, it’s cold in here.”
He slumps next to Shaw on the couch and she turns to face him now. “You just got inside from out in the snow. How do you even know?”
He leans in mumbling, “It’s supposed to feel warmer inside than out, Shaw.”
“What happened to your face?” I ask, changing the subject and his eyes meet mine, trying to play it off as usual.
“No big deal.”
Shaw reaches up and touches his eye, pulling a hiss from him as he swats her hand away. “Fuck, Shaw.”
She shakes her head. “What happened?”
“Nothing.” His eyes lock on hers as he straightens up trying to assert dominance that will never work with Shaw.
“Bullshit. You have to stop this.”
I cringe. She’s been saying this for years now. Why she even bothers anymore I have no idea. Things are not going to change. “Your furnace fucked?”
She folds her arms over her chest and leans back into the couch between us. “It’s fine.”
I argue now. “It’s not. It’s too cold in here, Shaw.” I hear Pam coughing in the kitchen and feel a pang of instant worry. She was hospitalized last winter with pneumonia. She has a smoking habit and is highly susceptible to getting it again. “You want your mom to get sick again?” It’s not fair, and Shaw’s face tells me that when she glares at me.
It was fucking scary and she was in the hospital for three days with no insurance. The hospital worked with them, but they’ll be paying on it for a while.
“Fuck you, Carter,” she bites out.
“I’m just trying to help,” I say, knowing I probably should have gone about it a different way.
Dane lifts up, reaching in his pocket and pulls out a wad of bills, shoving his hand toward Shaw. “Call someone to fix it today.”
Shaw stares at the money and hell even I’m gaping at the bills in his fist. Holy fuck. I didn’t know he was getting paid this well.
Shaw comes out of her fog and shakes her head, pushing his hand away. “I don’t want your fucking drug money.”
He winces, “Damn, Shaw.” He looks almost hurt.
“No.” Shaw looks back toward the kitchen, like she’s making sure her mother isn’t around and then looks back at Dane. “She would kill me if she knew that’s what was paying for our furnace.”
“So you’d rather freeze?” he counters. “For what, Shaw? Pride?”
I have to agree with him. My fingers feel like they’re going to fall off.
“You have to take it, Shaw.”
She flips her angry gaze to me now. “Are you kidding me? No. You don’t like what he does either.”
“And what is it that I do, Shaw?” Dane’s tone is bordering on pissed.
She looks back at him. “You sell drugs on the fucking street. Maybe even to kids. You collect money. I don’t even want to think about how. Or how many people you’ve hurt. I know what you do, Dane. And I can’t and won’t support it.”
Well, fuck. We never talk about it. We know what he does. We know exactly who he works for and that they are bad news, but we’ve never outwardly said the words and now she has. It makes it too fucking real.
“You’re going to end up like your cousin.”
“Shaw,” I warn. We don’t ever bring up Dane’s cousin. The one we’re pretty sure dragged him into this life. The one that was murdered three years ago.
Dane stands up, towering over her small body in a way I don’t fucking like. It’s threatening even if I’m almost completely positive he would never hurt her. I stand up asking, “Who is going to work on Thanksgiving anyway?”
Shaw stands up, making it worse when I was trying to diffuse the situation. “I don’t care if anyone is. I’ll pay for it when I get paid.”
Dane scoffs at her, looking down at her almost foot shorter than his body. “Yeah? And how are you going to pay for it, huh? Tony gonna let you suck his dick? Or do you think he’ll want more?”
She looks fucking pissed now, her small hands balling into fists. “Fuck you. You think that’s the only way I can pay my way?”
He leans down and I almost, almost shove him back. “I think we all have a price we pay. I think that pretty young women will always have worth only between their legs according to some motherfuckers. Like your landlord.” She looks disgusted and I feel it too because it’s always been my worry with her even if I haven’t said it.
Why the fuck did one of my best friends have to be a girl?
We all come from nothing. We all come from what most would describe as a rough neighborhood and background where certain truths ring true whether the rest of the world wants to believe it or not.
Men like me and Dane, we can hustle. We can fight. We can be the muscle and sell drugs. Women… their options are limited and horrifying. We’ve all seen it. Over and over again. I’ll be damned if Shaw ever has to use her body to survive.
And I know Dane feels the same way. So, this comes from a good place, but he still needs to back the hell up.
I place my hand on his shoulder and pull him back. “Okay both of you chill the fuck out. Shaw isn’t sucking dick for heat.” She looks angrily at me and somehow it makes her prettier. I look at Dane, “You think anyone will come out today?”
“Carter! No.” Shaw’s voice has a lilt of shock to it.
“Yes.” I try not to push Shaw around. She’s an equal, but this time, she needs to be overridden. “This is the world we fucking live in. He has the money and he wants to help.”
Dane is standing straight up now, his eyes pleading with her. “You’re like a little sister to me.” He lifts his arm, pointing toward the kitchen, “And that woman is the only person who’s even remotely resembled a mother to me.”
Shaw folds her arms over her oversized hoodie, her lips pursed tightly. “I want no part of this.” She jerks her head toward the kitchen, “And she better not find out how you paid for it.”
“I just want to help, Shaw.” Dane sounds desperate as he places a hand on her small shoulder, but she shrugs away from him, leaving us to go join her mom in the kitchen. He shakes his head, “She’s a pain in the ass.”
I laugh at that. “You really think you can get someone here on a holiday?”
He’s already pulling out his phone. “I’m going to try. It’s fucking freezing in here. They can’t live like this.”
I hear Pam coughing up a lung from the kitchen and wince. “I know. Her cough is only getting worse.”
He looks sick with worry now and grumbles, “Fuck.”
“Yeah.” I try to swallow away the sickening feeling making my throat dry. “She didn’t sound good at all the other night when she was sleeping.”
He smirks now, holding the phone up to his ear as he waits for the person on the other side to answer. “And what were you doing here when Pam was sleeping?”
I shove his shoulder. “Fuck off.”
He laughs and then answers when someone greets him on the phone.
I’m here a lot at night. And it started a long fucking time ago.
9 Years old
I shouldn’t be here. I know I shouldn’t. But I’m cold. And my body hurts. Everything hurts.
I knock on my friend Shaw’s front door before tucking my cold hands back into my jeans pockets. I start to chicken out, turning on one foot, when I hear the door open and Shaw’s sweet voice. “Carter! What are you doing here?”
I turn back toward her slowly, the hood of my jacket is pulled over my face, but I know when she gasps that she can still see how messed up my face is. At least she can’t see the rest of me.
She rushes outside and puts her small hands on my shoulders asking, “What happened?”
Shaw isn’t like me. We may only live a couple of blocks away, in equally ugly, rundown houses, but her mom actually likes her. She doesn’t hit her and I’ve never even heard Pam yell before.
I shrug my shoulder, not pulling my hands from my pockets. “I was just wondering if I could hang out for a little bit.”
Her pretty eyes, dark blue and now shiny with tears only get wider. “Tell me what happened.”
She gets on my nerves sometimes, but I’ll always take care of her. She’s stubborn and doesn’t let anything go.
“Nothing. Can I come in or not?”
She huffs, folding her little arms over her body. She’s not wearing a coat, only a t-shirt and I worry that she’s gonna freeze. “Tell me.”
“Let’s go inside first.”
She pouts, but let’s me inside and closes the door behind me. “What happened?”
She wouldn’t understand. She’s too sweet. Too innocent. She won’t get that my dad just gets really mad over nothing and knocks me around. Kicks me. Burns me. Pushes me. She won’t get it. But it’s Shaw and I have to tell her something.
“I got in a fight.”
Not exactly lying. “With who?”
I don’t answer her and then Pam comes in from outside. “I thought I saw you at the door when I was driving up.” Oh no. I hear the door close and I don’t turn to face Shaw’s mom. She’ll be mad. “It’s kind of late in the day, sweetie. Are you okay?”
It’s dark out already. And cold.
“I’m fine.” I shrug and Shaw shakes her head as her mom comes to stand next to her, facing me. She gasps just like Shaw did.
“Oh my God, sweetheart.” She leans down, but doesn’t have to too much to be eye level with me. “What happened?”
“He won’t tell me,” Shaw says, whining and pouting.
Why does my best friend have to be a girl?
I should have gone to Dane’s, but his dad wouldn’t have liked me showing up after dark.
“I’m okay.”
Shaw’s mom pushes my hood down off my head gently and she looks at my face. I know my face is busted up bad. My dad hit me pretty good. My nose is bleeding and I can’t really see out of one eye. “I’m taking you to the hospital.”
No. No. No. I start toward the door. “No. You can’t.”
Shaw blocks the door with her little body. “You can’t leave.”
“I’m not going to the doctor.”
&nb
sp; Pam walks to my side and places her hand on my shoulder, I try not to wince, but my dad punched me pretty hard there too. “Honey, I can’t not take you to get checked out. You could be really hurt and whoever did this should be punished.”
“It was dumb.” I look up into her eyes, as good as I can with a swollen eye. “I got into a dumb fight and my dad will be really mad if you tell.”
“A fight with who?” Her eyes narrow and I don’t think she believes me.
“This big kid that lives close to me. I was playing basketball with him.” I’m full on lying now, but I don’t care. She can’t take me to the hospital. “He got mad that I beat him. So he beat me up.” I look down at my shoes, feigning embarrassment. “I should have fought back better.”
She cups my chin with her hand, holding me like I might break, her eyes searching mine. “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
I nod, hating to lie to her. I’m not sure why. I lie to my teachers, to my parents, to whoever, but I don’t want to lie to her. “Yeah. Please don’t tell my dad. I’ll get into trouble.”
She looks worried. I don’t like her looking like that. “My friend is a nurse, I’m going to call her to check you out. If she says you’re okay, I guess I won’t take you to the hospital.”
I give her a quick nod, my heart racing because there’s no way I’m going to the hospital no matter what, but I don’t want her mad at me. “Okay.”
She leaves the room and I sit with Shaw on the couch, with her looking at my bruises the whole time with a look of worry of her own. Soon, her mom’s friend comes over, looking me over. She tells her I’m pretty banged up, but don’t appear to have any internal injuries. Whatever that means.
She leaves, but I see them talking too seriously by the door. When Pam closes the door behind her friend she walks over to sit next to me on the couch. “Sweetie, if you need help, you need to know you can come to me. I can talk to your dad…”
“No.” I quickly interrupt her. I don’t want Shaw’s mom anywhere near my dad. She’s too nice. Too pretty. He would hurt her. “No, please don’t. I’m okay. I’ll be fine.”
