by Nicole Dykes
She looks like she’s thinking and then smooths her hand over my hair. “Okay. How would you like to stay the night here tonight?”
I’ve never done that before. I look at Shaw who looks excited. “Yeah! We can watch movies!”
I almost groan, she likes dumb princess movies. But I do like being with her anyway. “Okay.”
Pam kisses the top of my head and then her daughter’s before standing, “I’ll go make you guys some hot cocoa. You can sleep in Shaw’s room. I can bring the TV in there. I think it would be good if you laid down.”
I don’t argue and soon, Shaw and I are in her bed, tucked under the covers and curled up watching some Disney thing.
“Carter?” she whispers and I look at her.
“What?”
“Was it your dad? That hit you?”
I groan. How does she know? I can’t lie to Shaw. Her mom was hard to lie to, but I can’t lie to her. “Yeah.”
She cuddles closer to me. “I won’t tell.”
I smile even though it hurts my lip that is split open. “Thank you.”
“You can always come here with me, Carter. I won’t tell. I’ll never tell.”
I hug her to me. “Okay.”
She’s a good best friend.
I hate them.
But not really.
I wish I did. My best friends are stubborn and annoying. I don’t want my mom to freeze. Of course I don’t. But I don’t want Dane involved in the horrible shit he is in either. It kills me that he’s out on the streets selling drugs and being the muscle for horrific people.
I’m terrified they’re going to hurt him.
His cheek is bruised from someone hitting him, and I would bet everything he upset someone he works for.
Still, someone came right before dinner was finished cooking and fixed the furnace. Dane paid the man in cash and now our house is warm. Of course, we still have to keep the thermostat set low or we won’t be able to afford the gas bill.
I’m grateful, but I’m scared.
My mom had to go work at the diner like right after we finished eating and Dane just left, saying he had something to do. We all know what that’s code for. His brothers are with his dad, he won’t let them leave the house, so Dane doesn’t leave them for too long. I hope he’s just going home to be with them, but part of me knows he will be working tonight.
I know they’re afraid of what could happen to me. I get it, the world is cruel. No one knows that more than me. And I hated the idea of going to Tony to beg him to fix the heat, but I would have.
“Don’t.” Carter must sense me staring at him from the other end of the couch.
“Don’t what?” I challenge.
“Don’t give me shit. Your mom can’t take it being freezing in here.”
I wince. I know they care about my mom, and I know she cares about them. She has played mom to them since the first time they came over to our house to play after school. Especially when she realized that their home lives were really, really bad.
I know she knew that Carter’s dad was an abusive prick, but I never asked her why she didn’t drag him to the hospital. I knew inherently. The system is hell. That’s where Carter would have ended up. My mom was in foster care from a young age and even if she won’t talk about it, I can guess what happened to her there.
She didn’t want Carter to go there too. So, she just gave him a safe haven. She looks the other way when he stays the night. He knows he’s always welcome here and she makes sure Dane knows the same. Even though he won’t leave his little brothers overnight.
“You know I hate what he does.”
Carter stretches his long legs in front of him, leaning his head back against the cushions. “Shaw, we’ve talked this to death. He isn’t going to stop and now that I’ve seen the money maybe I’ll work with him.”
I scoot closer to him and punch his shoulder. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t even joke about that.”
He laughs, holding his shoulder. “Look, we all do what we have to, Shaw. Anything to keep you off your knees.”
I punch him again. They baby me because I’m a girl. Because they think that every guy will take advantage of me and it’s annoying as fuck. “I can take care of myself.”
His green eyes meet mine. “I know, but…” He looks serious now, “Shaw… your mom….”
He swallows hard and I feel a sickening feeling. I know she isn’t doing well. I’ve heard her coughing. I’m terrified she’s really sick. She’s been even more tired lately. Out of it. “Don’t.”
“Right.” He raises his hands in the air, “Denial.”
I stand up from the couch. “It’s late. You staying?”
He stands too. “Yeah.”
It’s weird. We both know it. Maybe not when we were nine, but now that we’re eighteen, I’m sure it’s strange that we sleep in the same bed often. But for us, it’s mostly a comfort thing.
I pull my hoodie off leaving me in one of his t-shirts I stole a long time ago. It goes down to my knees, but it’s my favorite. I unbutton my jeans and push them down, kicking them away before I climb under the covers of my twin bed.
He doesn’t undress, just climbs in next to me with his jacket and jeans still on. I lay on my back and smile when his heavy arm falls over my stomach. “Don’t be mad, Shaw.”
“I’m scared, Carter.”
I hear him sigh, “I know. Me too, but Dane is strong. He’ll be okay.”
I don’t think he really believes that. That he will be okay. I think they both humor me. Say what they think they need to. I don’t let them get by with that shit though. I never will. “You don’t believe that.”
He rolls over so his large body is hovering over mine, his weight on his hands. “Yes, I do.”
I look up at him, his knees are resting between my legs. I’m frustrated by so many things in this life. I’m eighteen and I feel as tired as my mom looks lately. I used to tell myself it would get better, but now? I don’t think I believe that. I think we all follow the pattern we were born into. Destined to repeat it over and over.
“We only have six months till graduation.” He smirks, his red lips pulling up on only one side. “Then you’ll go off to college.”
I roll my eyes and scoff, “You know I’m not going to college.”
His green eyes darken as he gazes down at me. “I don’t know that.”
I shove him off me and he rolls to his side as I stare up at the ceiling, tears threatening to fall. “You and Dane act like I’m this fragile, naïve girl. That you can just fill my head with nonsense dreams and I’ll forget who I really am and where I come from.” I turn my head to look at him. “Maybe at one time I was that girl, but I’m not now. I’m not going to college. It’s too expensive and my grades aren’t good enough for a scholarship.”
“That’s only because you’ve had a full time job for two fucking years. There’s no way you can keep up.”
He’s always quick to make excuses for me. “They won’t care about that. They see two things-- grades and money. I don’t have either.”
“We’ll find a way.”
Always we. I take a deep breath and look back up at the dingy ceiling. “The only way I’m going to school is if some rich, handsome businessman pulls up to the corner and offers me an obscene amount of money to spend the week with him.”
He growls and rolls back onto my body, his hands on either side of my head to hold him up. “What the fuck?”
I laugh at that. “Pretty Woman was on TV last night. And you know I have a thing for Richard Gere.”
“Daddy issues.” I laugh at that and shove his hard chest, but he doesn’t move. His tone is serious and so are his eyes as they bore into me. “You won’t be anyone’s whore. Ever.”
“And I’m not going to college.” I look up at his handsome face, still seeing the boy who shoved away the bullies when we were five, but also seeing the man who still wants to fix everything too. “Sometimes hope is more painful than just fac
ing reality.”
He stays there for a moment, his body feeling good hovering over mine, his masculine scent invading all of my senses, and for a second I think he might lean down and kiss me.
But he doesn’t.
He rolls off me and drags a heavy arm over his eyes as he lays on his back.
I close my eyes and drift off to a simpler time.
When I did believe there was hope.
13 years old
Dane is drunk. I roll my eyes as he drapes his arm over my shoulder and talks way too loud into my ear. I don’t really like the taste of alcohol. I’ve only tried beer and then some brownish hard liquor once, but I didn’t like either.
So, I just pass when we hang out. We’re at Carter’s house with a few other friends, mostly older. It’s too cold to hang out in the alley like we usually do, and Carter’s parents haven’t been around for a few weeks, so he said we could hang here.
I’m sitting on the edge of Carter’s bed watching some girl that I have gym and homeroom with lean into him, her hand on his chest, flirting hard. She giggles and I find it obnoxious.
“He doesn’t even like her,” Dane says watching them, and again, way too loud. It’s a small bedroom we’re in and I’m pretty sure they can hear him.
I shake my head, laughing. “I think he likes some things about her.”
Dane’s eyes meet mine, “What? Her tits?”
I almost look down at my pretty much totally flat chest, but I don’t because I know Dane won’t miss it. And yeah, Angie? Yeah, I think that’s her name. She has an impressive set already at thirteen. And the boys notice.
I know Carter notices. “Yes, Dane. Guys like boobs.”
He scoffs at that, “Not all guys.” I smile and turn back to Carter and that girl, and laugh when I feel Dane’s nose nuzzle my neck and then drag his full, pouty lips up over my jaw and to my ear. “Have you kissed anyone yet, Shaw?”
Carter’s eyes meet mine now, and he raises a brow. I shake my head from side to side, looking at Carter and feeling Dane’s lips against the skin below my neck. “No.”
“No?” His voice is a hell of a lot quieter now, a sultry whisper that confuses me. Dane’s good looking, but I’ve always thought of him as a big brother type and always thought he saw me as a little sister. “But your lips are so fucking kissable.”
I turn my head to look at him, almost in shock staring into his glazed over brown eyes. Eyes I’ve always thought were interesting because they aren’t a solid brown, they have golden flecks in them that sparkle.
I feel Carter’s presence before I can say anything to Dane. He sits on my other side. “What are you two doing?”
Dane grins as we both turn to face Carter. “I was just telling Shaw how kissable her little, puffy, pink lips look.”
Carter’s eyes widen in surprise and I see them dip down to my lips. He swallows and then addresses Dane. “You’re fucking drunk.”
Dane laughs and he shrugs, not arguing. “I am. It feels good.”
“It won’t tomorrow,” Carter grumbles.
“You looked pretty comfortable with Angie,” I say, my voice dripping with something I can’t place. Jealousy? Bitterness?
He’s staring at my mouth again. “I was bored.”
I roll my eyes and Dane laughs. “Catching an STD isn’t a cure for boredom.”
Carter reaches past me and punches his shoulder playfully asking him, “And getting drunk off your ass at thirteen is?”
“Hell yeah. What else are we supposed to do?”
I stand up, getting out of their way. “I should go. I have homework.”
They both look up at me, disappointed. It’s Dane that has something to say though. “What the fuck? It’s Friday night. And what has homework ever done for you?”
“Maybe I’ll do so well in school, I’ll get a scholarship and get the hell out of here.” I smirk at them both. “Maybe I’ll become a rich doctor or lawyer.”
Carter grins, but Dane laughs, “Come on, Shaw. People like us don’t go to college.”
Carter punches him again. “Don’t be a dick. She could. She’s smart.”
I smile at Carter, and Dane sighs with a grin, looking down at his feet and shaking his head. “That she is.” His eyes meet mine. “College is for the rich. Not the smart. We have to scam, steal, and hustle our way out of here.”
Carter groans, “Don’t do this shit.”
A playful smile falls over Dane’s lips now as he turns to Carter stating, “We will though. Someday. We will hustle our way out of this shit.” He’s smiling, but his tone is eerie almost. He winks at me, “Then we’ll get you into college.”
“I can get myself into college.”
Carter stands with a smirk and wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me to his side. “Then I better walk you home so you can get on that.”
I smile, Dane pushes his lips together blowing me a kiss and I flip him off with a laugh. Carter and I walk to my house. It’s snowing and unbelievably cold, but I didn’t bother to argue with him about walking me home.
At least one of them always insists on walking me home. When we reach my front door, we’re protected slightly from the snow by the small awning above us. “Thanks, Carter.”
He zips his jacket up a little higher and I wish he had a coat. “No problem.” He brushes my hair out of my face and his hand feels oddly warm on my frozen face. “Don’t listen to Dane’s drunk ass. He didn’t mean it.”
I smile and just like that his fingers are lingering in my hair. “Yeah, he did.”
He laughs at that and I can see his breath in the night air. “Maybe, but if you want to go to college, there’s no doubt in my mind that you will. You’re special, Shaw.”
I think he actually believes that, especially with the way he’s looking at me right now. “You’re special too, Carter.”
That makes him laugh again. “Nah, I’m a hustler through and through.”
“Do you like Angie?”
I wince at my own question and glower when I see his smirk. “Parts of her.”
I roll my eyes, “Goodnight, loser.” I spin away from him, grabbing the door handle. “I cannot with you.”
His hand grasps my wrist, and he turns me back to him, one hand resting on my lower back as he pulls me into him. His lips press against mine and I gasp from the shock, but I don’t push him away.
I’ve wanted him to kiss me for a while now, but I never thought it would happen. It’s sweet and confusing. Soul crushing and intense as his lips move against mine and I accept his kiss in a careful, clumsy way, but it feels good.
He pulls back all too soon and my lips feel swollen and puffy as I gaze up at him.
He just smiles, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I nod dumbly as he tucks his hands into his pockets and saunters off.
Just leaving me there in a fog I don’t quite understand.
I roll over, pissed off at the sun for trying to get through the window and waking me up. I don’t want to wake up yet. I want to lay here in Shaw’s bed, listening to her breathing. Knowing she’s okay and that I’m still alive.
I’m definitely alive. My hard dick is pressed against Shaw’s ass and I’m sure she has to be sick of that. After all of these years of sleeping in the same bed. She’s probably used to it too.
We don’t really talk about it, but it’s not like I can control it.
I roll to my back, covering my eyes with my arm. Fuck, I don’t want to get up yet.
Shaw’s small body curls up to mine, trying to find my warmth which is not helping the whole dick situation. I try to ignore how good she smells and just how amazing her body feels pressed against mine.
It’s Shaw.
Not just a casual fuck or a ‘hood girl I can use.
She’s my best friend.
Her words last night… they gutted me more than I’ll ever let her know. She was always the one out of the three of us who had some sort of hope. Who could still see a sliver of good in th
e world, but now it’s starting to feel like she’s losing that.
Like she’s turning into a full on disgruntled street kid, ready for the hustle of life. The grind. Working our asses off for a whole lot of nothing.
And I can’t take it.
Not like Shaw was ever the super bubbly, bouncy type, but still I always saw it. That glimmer of a future in her eyes.
I lean into her ear, my voice still thick with sleep. “I have to go. Get your ass up and get ready.” Her eyes slowly open and she full on growls at me.
“Nooooo.”
I chuckle. “You have work. I’m taking you. I’ll be back in an hour.”
She groans again, raising her arms above her head and I try not to take her in all at once. Her pretty face, her pert nose, her full, pink lips, full tits under my t-shirt, her long hair…. No. I get up from the bed, keeping my back to her telling my dick to calm down.
“One hour, Shaw. Get ready.”
She doesn’t say anything and I hear shuffling on her bed as I walk out of her room and head for the front door. I hear her mom coughing from her room and although I’m glad she’s home from work, I’m worried about that cough.
I walk to my house and see Dane is sitting on the stoop as I approach. “About fucking time,” he says and stands up, his hands in his pockets.
“What are you doing here?”
“Let’s go inside. I’m freezing my balls off.”
I chuckle and unlock the front door, pushing it open for us both to go inside. Thankfully it’s quiet, so even if one or both of my parents are home, I would say they’re passed out. “What’s up?”
I go into the kitchen and make a pot of coffee. He pulls a wad of cash from his pocket and hands it out for me. “Rent’s due today right?”
I was behind last month and managed to talk the landlord into waiting until this Friday. Today.
I wave his hand away and grab two plain white coffee mugs from the cabinet. “I got it.”
He thrusts the cash toward me again. “Just take it. And give Shaw the rest.”
I shake my head now. “She won’t take it, man.”
