Fight

by Nicole Dykes

  He doesn’t say anything else and I leave, driving to the gym that’s open twenty-four hours, but nearly deserted at this time of night.

  I stand by the entrance willing Shaw to show up.

  And somehow, it worked. I see headlights approaching and even though the car is brand new and not something I would have ever pictured either of us in, I know it’s her.

  She turns off the lights and climbs out wearing jeans and a dark sweatshirt with the hood pulled over her head. “What do you want?” It’s not said with annoyance or anger.

  “Are you okay?”

  She smiles. “Always checking up on me.”

  “Always. Now answer.”

  She sighs softly. “I’m fine, Carter. The spring semester is almost done and I’m enrolled for summer classes.”

  “Fast track, huh?”

  She laughs and nods, “You know it. So, what are we doing at a gym at two in the morning?”

  “Where does Aiden think you are?”

  Her small shoulders lift and she huffs, “He’s asleep. I snuck out like the rebel I am.”

  “How much do you think you owe him? Moneywise?”

  It’s dark, but the moon is bright tonight, and the gym has a white light on the outside door. “I have no clue. Why?”

  “I want to buy you out of this.”

  She laughs at that and shakes her head, pointing at my face. “Nice stitches. That from tonight?” I nod. “And how much did you make tonight for spilling your blood?”

  “Two thousand.”

  She whistles and it’s mocking, but it’s not done in a hateful way. “That won’t even cover one therapy session for my mom.”

  “I’m working on more.”

  She walks closer to me, her small hands resting on my chest. “Don’t do it for me. Please.”

  “Shaw,” I dig my fingers into her hair, holding her in my grasp and breathing her in. “I would do anything for you. Don’t you know that?”

  “I do.” Her head nods, taking my hands with it. “But I don’t want you to.”

  “You can’t keep taking his abuse.” I swallow the nasty taste in my mouth and force myself to keep talking. “You can’t let him share your body.”

  She shakes her head sadly. “Please don’t act like that’s such a big deal. You shared me with Dane.”

  “Don’t you dare act like this is the same thing. It’s not.” I’m angry and I drop my hands from her hair, because I can feel how tense the conversation is making us both.

  “If he never would have died, and you and I would have ended up an actual, honest to God couple, are you going to tell me you wouldn’t have let him take my ass while you sunk deep inside my pussy?” I hate that my body reacts to the thought. This is the worst time to be turned on.

  “Sure, it probably would have happened, but there’s one important difference between that and what that dipshit does to you.”

  She lifts her chin and takes a step closer to me. “And what is that?”

  My lips twitch with a smile because the real Shaw is here. The fierce fucking force of nature I’ve loved since I was in kindergarten. “We both trusted him. We both loved him. And we all wanted it. We were present and knew exactly what was happening.”

  “I knew what was happening with Aiden.” She shoots back. “I never once asked them to stop because I am good whore.”

  I shake my head from side to side, knowing she’s trying to bait me. She wants me to believe that she’s okay with all of this. “It wasn’t them. It’s never them, is it?” My lips slide over her jaw and toward her ear and I feel her shiver. “It wasn’t Aiden. It was me inside your tight, wet pussy.” She groans. “And it was Dane in your ass. Our hands, our lips, our cocks.” I kiss the skin below her ear and then pull back to look into her eyes. “Because you still trust us even if he’s dead and part of me died too. It’s still us and why you can get lost when that fucker touches you.”

  “Yes.” She breathes, not bothering to argue.

  I press a kiss to her forehead. “I can get you out of this.”

  “I’m not stuck, Carter. We all make choices. We all pay the price we’re willing to.”

  I close my eyes, my lips still resting against the skin of her forehead. “We’re all whores.”

  She nods and my lips slide over her skin with the movement. “Prices are different and maybe even the currency, but we all have to decide what is worth what we want.” Her eyes lift to meet mine. “And I want my mom alive.”

  “I know. I do too.”

  “I get college and my mom gets the best care. All I have to do is have sex with a vile human and be his arm candy that he can show off.”

  “And when he hits you?” I growl and know my tone is too harsh, but she doesn’t flinch.

  “I prefer the physical pain. It’s better than my heart being battered.”

  I wince knowing she’s talking about me and I curse myself for every stupid decision I’ve ever made, and there were a lot of them.

  “You and Dane were always right. It was ridiculous thinking I would be rescued by some rich prince. Everything has a price.”

  I shake my head. “You always wanted that fantasy and you deserve it. We didn’t want your dreams crushed. We wanted to make them come true.”

  She brushes a hand over my cheek. “My fantasy, my true happy ending would have been Dane being alive and my mom not being sick. I don’t have a happy ending, Carter. None of that can happen.”

  My eyes plead with her, but I’m not even sure what I’m asking for. “We can figure this out.”

  She shakes her head. “Leave it alone.”

  She then presses a quick kiss to my lips and slips back into her car, driving off into the night.

  There’s no way in hell I’m listening to her.

  It’s so hot out and I’m grateful for Aiden’s pool as I float in the water and dare to open my eyes staring up at the sun. It’s bright but it feels good.

  I’m going to summer classes, but not full-time so I’ve had a lot of time here at the house playing my role. It hasn’t been so bad lately and I’ve had more time with my mother which is all I can ask for.

  Especially now.

  The treatments have stopped working suddenly, and I can hear my mom coughing through the open window of her room. She has air conditioning, but said she wants the fresh air. She pleaded with me and I caved because how could I deny her anything?

  I let her have it for a bit, but I know I need to go and close the window soon before she gets too hot.

  Aiden is at work, where he usually is, and my mom’s nurse is with her. I let my fingers slide through the warm water and soak in the warmth of the sun… My mind always drifting to Carter and what could have been.

  The stupid ass fantasy I used to hope for. I loved Pretty Woman and all those romantic movies, but really what I wanted was him. I wanted our best friend to be there at our wedding making us all laugh. I wanted my mom to walk me down the aisle because fuck tradition.

  But the day Dane died, it all slipped away.

  “Shaw!”

  I startle and almost fall off the floatie I was using to drift through the water at the sound of my mom’s nurse. I jump into the water and swim toward the edge, running toward the guest house, but it doesn’t matter.

  Nothing matters anymore.

  My mom is already gone by the time I reach her side.

  I didn’t even get to say goodbye, but I’ve been saying goodbye since she was diagnosed. I knew this day was coming, but I didn’t want to believe it.

  I stare at her lifeless body, her eyes closed unlike Dane’s were when I found his body, and I don’t cry.

  I don’t weep for her because I know that she’s at peace. No more pain. No more being ashamed of my choices even if she would never say that. She loved me so much that she had trained herself not to even flinch when she saw the bruises on my body.

  She just hugged me close and told me she loved me.

  Because she did. And I loved her.


  Still, I couldn’t save her.

  I lay across her and try like hell to keep her warm, even though I know it’s just her body now. She’s gone forever.

  No more late night talks. No more advice and encouragement. The strongest and best human I’ve ever known has left this world.

  And I’m truly alone.

  It’s sunny today. Not dreary and cold like Dane’s funeral. Pam’s funeral is dripping in light as we all stand around her casket and watch them lower her into the earth below.

  I catch Shaw’s eyes a few times, but she’s back to stone.

  Afterward, the neighborhood threw a celebration of her life at the diner and surprisingly Shaw attended without Aiden, despite him being at the funeral.

  I am surprised he left her alone, but I’m grateful.

  After listening to several stories and eating lots and lots of food, my eyes dart around the room, begging for a moment alone with Shaw, but I can’t find her.

  I step outside and look around, still not seeing her so I continue down the sidewalk, toward the park.

  It’s dusk and the sky is orange and pink behind Shaw when I find her on the swings.

  She looks up at me, her feet dragging in the rocks, like she knew I would find her here. “I miss her.”

  I nod my head and pull her up, sitting down and letting her rest on my lap as I hold the chain of the swing and push us along. “Me too.”

  “She was doing better, but then it was like she just gave up.”

  Her arms wrap around my neck as we swing together. “I’m sorry, Shaw.”

  A see a single tear slide down her cheek, but she smiles. “I’m glad I got the time with her I did, but it wasn’t enough.”

  I kiss her temple. “I know.” My voice is hoarse because I don’t want to ask the next question, but I force myself to. “Are you going back to him?”

  Her eyes meet mine with a sadness in them. “Yes. The debt’s still there.”

  “I’ll pay it.” I don’t mention my meeting with the boss yesterday. They want my contract extended badly, and even if they don’t like it, if I agree to three more years, they guarantee Shaw’s protection if she leaves Aiden. I can do three more years with my eyes closed. Literally, when I’m in the ring it’s like I’m floating. I could close my eyes and still predict which way my opponent is coming from.

  “I don’t want your money.” She softens her tone and smiles. “You are everything good in my life. I don’t want this sick, twisted contract with you where I owe you.”

  “You don’t owe me shit.” I just barely grit out the words because how could she think that?

  “I would. You would say that I don’t, but we wouldn’t be equal.” She shakes her head slowly. “It’s not that I don’t believe in love anymore, Carter. I know you think I’ve lost that. But I haven’t. I believe in true love. I just don’t know if girls like me can have it. Because there has to be equality for love to survive.”

  “You’re my equal.” I stop the swing with my feet and cup her cheek in one hand. “You’re my superior. I don’t fucking care. I just want to be with you, Shaw.”

  She gasps, seeming shocked by that, but shakes her head. “I owe him, and I cannot owe you.”

  “I love you.” I’ve never said those words like this before, but goddammit I do. “I love you more than anything and if you love me back, then we are equal. Equal in love and every other fucking thing.”

  She sobs and leans against my chest. “I can’t.”

  “But you do.”

  Her head nods against me, but she doesn’t give me a verbal answer. “He might not let me go. Not yet.”

  “Let me worry about him.”

  “I’m not breakable.” Her eyes meet mine with fierce determination. “I don’t need a prince to swoop in. Have you not been listening? I made this decision.”

  “So then you break it. You don’t owe him or me or anyone any fucking thing, Shaw. You are strong. Get up and fight.”

  She stands up, looking down at me. “I’ve been fighting my whole life to be this tired and this used. Maybe I’m tired of fighting.”

  I stand up and tilt her chin up the way it’s supposed to be. “No, you have more fight and determination in you than anyone else. You think you’re tired and used up? You aren’t even close, Shaw. You are steel. You were always the strongest out of us all.”

  “Then why did you treat me like I was breakable? Why did you and Dane both treat me like that?”

  I shake my head at that and smile. “We didn’t think you would break. We always treated you like you were priceless because you were, and you are still.”

  She looks up at me, stunned, her eyes wide. “I love you too, you know?”

  I nod, “Then come with me.”

  She shakes her head, her hand grasping mine and squeezing before she backs away from me. Turning her back and walking away.

  The pain buries its way under my skin as I watch her disappear, but it doesn’t feel permanent.

  Because I know I won’t let it be.

  After leaving Carter on the swing I walk to the cemetery where Dane and now my mother are buried. They’re both gone and I can barely stand to exist.

  Carter loves me. He said it out loud and like it should have already been known. And maybe I did know it all along, especially before Dane died.

  I stare at Dane’s headstone. That feels like a lifetime ago.

  “Why did you have to die?” My voice is broken and tired, strained from crying so much over the past few days since my mother died.

  I wanted nothing more than to leave my arms hooked around Carter’s neck and never let go, but I don’t know if I can.

  Stand up and fight.

  I think about his words and I could see the confusion and maybe even a little bit of disappointment in his eyes. Like he doesn’t know who I am anymore.

  That makes two of us.

  I’ve spent my whole life fighting. We all have. Dane died fighting. My mom died fighting a disease that ravaged her body. Carter literally fights for a living.

  It got all of us nowhere.

  “I need you, Dane.” I stare at the dark headstone in the moonlight, tears streaming down my face. “We all need you, and I miss you. Every single day I miss you. Everything is so screwed up.”

  Carter loves me.

  I’ve loved him practically my whole life, but it feels like it’s too late. I owe Aiden money I’ll never be able to repay.

  Can I just leave? And if I do, what am I walking into? My old house is long rented. I could get a job at the diner, but I’d have to quit school.

  I would end up exactly like my mother.

  I want Dane back. I want my mother back. I want Carter back. I would trade all the money in the world to have them back.

  I kiss my hand and place it on the cold stone before walking to where we buried my mom and fall to my knees on the earth above her. “Mom, why did you leave me too?”

  I don’t blame her. I know she was tired of fighting. I could see it in her eyes, but I didn’t want to believe it.

  She was tired and in pain. I’m not naïve and I know she was holding on for me.

  “I love you.” I place my face in my hands and sob, letting myself feel every single ounce of grief and anger. Hating what I’ve become and knowing that both of them would hate it too.

  When I run out of tears, I stand up, blow her a kiss and call an Uber to take me back to Aiden’s house.

  Inside, he’s there with dinner ready to heat up. We eat silently at the table and I wonder if he’s going to question me about Carter, but he doesn’t.

  “I’m sorry about your mom, Shaw. I truly thought the treatment would help her.”

  And I believe he did. I don’t think he wanted her to die. “I did too.”

  “Life can still be good for you.” I look up from the pasta I was picking at. “You don’t have to suffer the same fate.”

  I inwardly cringe thinking about a life with him, comfortable as long as I
do what I’m told. I just nod and go back to scooting the pasta around with my fork.

  Carter seemed determined to pay my debts, but I meant what I said. I don’t want that. Not with him. Never with him.

  I hope he doesn’t do anything stupid because all I want now is for him to be safe. I want him to live comfortably and not have to work for those assholes who in one way or another took Dane away from us.

  Lack of choices has defined all of our lives. Desperation and survival leads people down a dark path and it’s easy to sit back and judge when you’ve never felt that like we have.

  When your stomach is filled with three meals a day and you’ve never cried yourself to sleep because you’re so cold and hungry you’re not sure you’ll wake up. You aren’t even sure you want to.

  That’s what led us all here to where we are now.

  I’m angry with life and my current fate, but I’ve accepted it. Or I thought I had, but I still can’t stop thinking about our conversation on the swings, and smile thinking about how we started all those years ago out on the playground.

  He wanted to save me then, just like now, but I never could get him to believe that I wasn’t looking to be rescued.

  That’s up to me.

  “You did good, kid.” Will slaps my back and hands me a wad of cash.

  “Thanks.” I grumble, unable to stop thinking about Shaw.

  It’s been a week since the funeral and I haven’t heard a word from her. I have no idea if she’s okay or not. Okay, I know she’s not alright. Not really.

  Still, I told her I loved her and nothing.

  She just walked away and left me alone on the swing.

  I know I should have said the words a long time ago, but we didn’t grow up that way. We knew loyalty, but not love.

  “I want to talk to the boss.”

  Will’s eyebrows shoot upward, but he doesn’t look pleased like I thought he would finding out I’ve caved. “For what reason?”

  I give him a pointed look. “I want to take the deal. Three more years for Shaw’s safety.”

  If I have to drag her out of that bastard’s house kicking and screaming, I will. I just need to make sure she’s safe first.