“What? No, Holt. No,” he grabbed hold of my arm and turned me toward him. “No, I haven’t. I didn’t do it. She... Please, don’t be like this... I need my friend.” He sounded almost desperate.
“Then what’s wrong?” I asked. I couldn’t return to his arms; the fear of losing him, despite my brave words, cut deeply.
“She just...” He frowned hard and looked away from me, then suddenly his eyes turned back and he almost pleaded, “Are all women like this?”
That question took me by surprise. “Like what?”
“Insistent,” he said.
“I don’t understand.”
“Valla, Morgan, Aleah – they are like predators. Watching them is scary, being on the other end is terrifying,” he said. “How do you stop them?”
I laughed, it started out quite a small sound but soon I found myself doubled over, trying to breathe. Galahad appeared annoyed but soon relented and joined in the mirth.
When I managed to calm I tried to say, “Tell them you don’t like sex with women, you prefer men. It works for me.”
“Aleah doesn’t believe me,” he said in real misery.
“I’m not surprised the way you watch her move,” I told him.
He opened his mouth to protest, then snapped it shut. “Sorry,” he mumbled. “I just... I don’t understand them. They are so –” he paused, looking for the right word. “Lustful.”
I didn’t know what to say, this hardly being my area of expertise. I did try though, “Women aren’t that different to men. We all have needs, it’s just women are supposed to hide them. I guess Aleah, like Morgan and Valla, doesn’t want to.”
“Nim’s not like that,” he said.
“Nim’s only ever loved one man and she has him in Lance,” I explained.
He finally sat on the dusty ground, the moon, only half full, lighting his face. “I just didn’t want to betray you and I don’t love Aleah. I don’t want to make the same mistake as I did with Valla. I know I love you.”
I sat beside him and he reached out to take my hand. “She is your wife, Galahad. I won’t blame you if you want her.”
“I don’t, not really. It’s just a moment when there is no love.”
“It can be a very satisfying moment and sometimes love comes later,” I told him but the relief I felt almost shamed me.
“I don’t want that. If I am meant to be with a woman then I should feel as I do when I look at you,” he said, his dark eyes bright in the moonlight.
I swallowed hard. “I can’t argue with that, beloved.”
He stared at the ground between us. “It’s just the sex part that has me baffled,” he said quietly.
I tightened my grip on his fingers. “Me too, Galahad. Me too.”
CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE
We stayed on watch that night until Valla, Kerwin and Nest took over, Galahad opting to sleep in the tent with me, not his wife. Nothing happened, except a brief kiss goodnight, but he was beside me and I slept more soundly than I had done in weeks. When I woke the camp stirred in the dawn light of a new day and I smiled. Galahad and Lance also woke and the three of us began the day together. The first job – picking new horses.
For knights this is never easy. We are fussy. We are competitive. We are even worse when we don’t have our own saddles. I settled quickly on a friendly grey mare with a dark mane and tail, she didn’t seem particularly fast but she was bright and relaxed. Galahad and Lance almost came to blows over a black stallion until Habib pointed out it belonged to him, so they both chose dark bay stallions who seemed far too bouncy for my laid back style of riding. The girls and the wolves all chose their own mounts, just Aleah having a problem.
“There must be one you like the look of,” Galahad said to her, cross because of the heat.
“They all look the same,” she exclaimed.
Everyone stared at her in horror. To those who know, each animal appears unique and the fact she didn’t understand this mystified us.
“You can’t ride,” I said.
She huffed and crossed her arms, scowling hard. “I never needed to know. I was carried.”
“Well, you’re going to have to learn,” Lance said.
She looked adoringly at Galahad who flushed under the scrutiny. “Um, I think I’m going to be needed for work. It takes time,” he said, trying to move away.
“I can teach you,” I offered.
The look Aleah gave me would wither crops in a field. “I’ll ask Morgan. At least she cares.”
“Ask me what?” Morgan said, sauntering over.
“I need to learn to ride,” Aleah said.
Morgan looked surprised. “Oh, right, sure I can teach you but I would have thought Galahad would prefer to do it.”
“I’ll be busy,” he said, glancing at me.
Morgan looked at me, then looked at Galahad and Aleah’s dark expression. “Oh for...” she muttered. “More of my dear brother’s cast offs.”
“That’s not fair,” Galahad protested but Morgan took Aleah by the hand and pulled her away from us to help find a quiet mare.
“I haven’t taken her to my bed. She isn’t a cast off,” he said. “I’m trying to do the right thing.”
I couldn’t help but smile. “I think she means emotional cast offs.”
“Thanks, that makes me feel so much better,” he said.
Once done we spent the day helping preparing the camp for moving early the next and that night we’d be trying a new pattern for guarding the camp, to include Morgan and Nim. Aleah didn’t know how to fight, so she’d be a danger, not a help. Galahad and I decided to work together, not really surprising anyone, and it meant he’d be staying in our tent, rather than disturbing Aleah.
When we rose the following day just before dawn we ate briefly before helping break camp. The large tents were stripped of their thick cloths and the long poles of the roof pulled down in a particular order and lashed together. The sides were concertinaed up. We laid everything on wheel-less carts that would be dragged by the camels over the sand and began loading the contrary animals with the merchant’s goods and belongings. The other men spoke little Common and were definitely there for the animals, they were skilled with the large beasts and adept at packing the vast quantity of equipment and goods.
By the time we finished we were all suffering with the heat and Habib provided us with simple clothes like his own that would be easier to wear. The air reached places that were distinctly grateful to be released and I felt better instantly. Galahad appeared from behind some bushes and my heart melted completely, to join the puddle of sweaty clothes on the dusty ground.
The robes were white, like mine, but with his dark colouring and deeply tanned skin after weeks on the Echo, he looked...
“You are beautiful,” I whispered, unable to keep the words to myself.
He grinned, which just made it worse, and walked toward me. “So are you,” he said for the first time since I’d known him and he kissed me. Voices pulled us apart and we walked together to go to work, our broadswords strapped to our hips and our northern armour rolled up to sit behind our new saddles.
We travelled east along the river bank for several days, the land gradually changing from the vast delta of sand and grasses to thick woodland unlike any I’d seen before. Huge trees with dark thick leaves and vast vines snaking down to the ground closed over our heads, leaving us inside a well maintained leafy tunnel. We moved through this strange world surrounded by loud insects, louder birds and incredible heat. None of us escaped being bitten and when we reached the trading post carved out of this leafy version of misery, we slept under vast fine mesh, the women all separated from the men. I decided after spending most of the night scratching that I never wanted to be in a jungle again. Even the rain was hot.
We emerged from the jungle and left the river briefly to ride up and over a hill covered in rocks, grass and starkly bold trees. Galahad and I rode together and stopped to look back the way we’d come. The jungle we’
d spent two days riding through stretched for more leagues than I could see.
“We just skirted the edge,” he said in awe.
“Just be grateful we don’t have to fight our way through it,” I said.
He turned his horse again and looked in the direction we were travelling. A huge sprawling town bordered both sides of the wide meandering river. Ferries worked the river, back and forth constantly.
Galahad’s hand reached out for mine, where it rested on my thigh. Other than one kiss we’d hardly touched but I think we both hurt if we were separated for any length of time.
“Thank you, Holt,” he said, squeezing my hand.
I frowned. “For what?”
“For all this, for the freedom, for the sense of calm I’m feeling with you. I had no idea who I was until we met,” he said, the soft voice thick with emotion.
“It’s been an honour,” I said.
“You are a fine leader, a good man and I am grateful for your friendship,” he said.
“Are you alright, Galahad?” I asked. We’d not been forced into some horrible emotional quagmire for days and it made us both stronger.
He nodded. “I’m alright, I’m happy and that’s unusual for me. Are you happy?” he asked, his eyes darkening.
I smiled and breathed in the hot air, staring out over the strange new vista before us. “I am. I feel terrible about Torvec sometimes and I miss him but being with you, our friendship, it means a great deal to me, Galahad.”
“More than the sex?” he asked quietly.
I laughed. “You couldn’t leave that pressure point alone?” I shook my head and sighed heavily. “I wish things could be different, Galahad. I wish we were both more able to deal with the physical side of our relationship but we can’t. The shame you feel when you look at me in that way makes us both miserable. Perhaps it is never meant to be, my friend.”
“I don’t want to be ashamed, Holt,” he said quietly.
“But you don’t want to work through it either and I’m not strong enough to make you. I’m not going to bully you into sex but at some point we are both going to have to look outside our friendship for true companionship,” I said. My words were hard and cold. I’d not been aware of the feelings burning inside until Galahad provoked me into speaking.
“You blame me for Torvec,” he said.
“That’s your fear and guilt, I’ve never said that,” I said.
He stared at our caravan as it began to wander past our point on the crest of the hill. “It’s true though. Morgan pointed out to me the other day that you’d have found happiness with Torvec if I hadn’t interfered.”
“Morgan talks too much,” I muttered.
“She cares about you and I don’t think she has a very high opinion of me,” he said sadly.
“She’s sleeping with Valla, that can’t be a surprise,” I said.
“I’m trying hard not to think about it,” he said, staring at his horse’s dark mane.
Suddenly I reached out and took possession of Galahad’s hand. “It’ll be alright, you know. We are fine as we are right now but if you find yourself needing Aleah, or I meet someone special – more lovely than you or Torvec, which might not be possible – we’ll find a new way to be happy.”
He smiled slightly at my weak joke. “I’m sorry. I love you, Holt. I look at you sometimes and I just...” He rubbed his eyes with the fingers of his free hand. “I just want to make love to you but then...” I could see the pain of his confession.
“It’s alright, Galahad.”
“No, it isn’t, but I don’t know what to do.” He glanced at me. “It’s... It’s not enough, Holt.”
“I’m not enough.”
“I’m sorry.”
I rubbed my thumb over his knuckles. “It’s alright. We’ve had the space and time to work through this and for you it’s settled. That’s important, Galahad. It means we can both move on.”
“I don’t want anything to change. I really am happier than I’ve ever been,” he said, the desperation plain in his dark eyes.
“Nothing needs to change right now,” I assured him but the ache in my heart made the words a lie. I would have to change. I thought he was coming to terms with me but all this time he’d been turning our love into a deep bond of friendship. We were not going to be like our fathers and I had to come to understand that. I decided to change the subject and nodded toward the caravan of animals and goods. “We need to help corral this lot up before we reach the town so Habib can negotiate our way over the river.”
CHAPTER TWENTY SIX
The organisation of the men who worked the docks amazed me. They were similar to the raft people we’d met on the delta of the river, but these men were rougher and considerably more worldly. They were true fey though, their affinity for the water clear even if they were lesser fey on the whole. The animals were loaded onto a dozen rafts and taken over the water in two loads without any aggravation or panic. I’d half expected monsters to rise from the deep controlled by The Lady but for once we were safe and when we were on the other side we made camp outside the sprawl of the township. We now headed north and east away from the river and on toward another. Apparently we needed to travel over a mountain range and down into another huge valley to reach Larz.
During this journey, which would take at least six weeks, we worked together as a team. Sometimes we’d find ourselves fighting for the caravan of camels and horses but most of time we were glorified herdsmen. During the journey through the mountain passes Aleah fell ill due to the cold and suddenly Galahad couldn’t spend enough time helping her, creating a new world for them, one that excluded me completely. I watched, the sad and lonely ache inside me drawing me away from the others whenever possible, as he began to fall in love with the beautiful young woman. Occasionally he’d return to my side and we’d spend a day hunting for food away from the caravan but most of the time I kept myself carefully closed down and the ties binding us very still and quiet so I’d never know when he took her to his bed. Galahad clearly sensed my growing reserve and it pained him but I couldn’t tear down my own walls and he couldn’t broach them. Not without sex and neither of us were capable.
In a strange way it was kind of lovely watching him fall in love with his wife, he did it so perfectly, but the pain in me stopped me from sleeping well and food began to prove difficult. Lance and Nim tried to talk to me about it but I had no words, no comfort and I begged them not to interfere with Galahad finding his own path. My breaking heart would mend and I’d move on. Aleah, bless her gentle soul, once she realised she was winning him didn’t lord it over me but tried to remain respectful of my love for her husband. I liked her all the more for that but I did worry about the politics of the situation.
She wanted to join with her people in Larz, that’s why we were going to such a lawless place; however, Galahad needed to start thinking about heading north, back to The City and his destiny. He needed to take part in the trials, we needed to kill The Lady, and we wouldn’t be doing either if he decided to remain with Aleah. If a friend to Camelot didn’t take the throne of Albion, Camelot would be lost for certain. We were not strong enough to stand on our own. I knew I needed to remind Galahad of his duties but I also didn’t want to be seen destroying his relationship with Aleah.
The point came, however, when I knew he’d chosen to forget his duty and I needed to protect Camelot regardless of the consequences to me personally, or perhaps it was the jealousy finally eating a large hole in my soul.
We were heading downhill, through the rolling hills of the mountain range, rough pine and types of trees Habib called acacia. There were large herds of cattle toward the horizon and types of deer in smaller herds who raced away when we drew too close. We’d all grown fitter and slimmer on the long ride and the women had changed most of all, happy with their new roles as workers. They had nothing to do with the women belonging to Habib, the notion of control too alien for any of them but Aleah to understand, and she certainly had no
intention of being under anyone’s control.
“Galahad, please, I need more,” soft words from a quiet woman.
I’d walked away from the rest of the group who’d finished pitching camp for the night on a relatively flat plateau and planned to find a rock to lie on so I could watch the stars before taking my turn at guard duty.
Unfortunately, Aleah and Galahad seemed to have made the same decision. I could see them, their shape clear against the last of the light from the warm day, entwined together on a large rock.
“Sweetheart,” he said. “I can’t give you more, not yet. It’s not fair on Holt. I need to talk to him. I must explain that what he feels is wrong. But I should do it with respect for him.”
“He isn’t married to you, I am,” she protested. “You should respect me, respect us.”
I heard Galahad make a soft groan of desire. I knew that noise. I remembered that noise.
“He doesn’t need to know,” I said, loudly enough to be heard by the lovers. I didn’t want to have this conversation but I also knew it was coming and I couldn’t wait for it any longer.
Galahad rolled off his bride. “Holt.”
“None other,” I said, bowing slightly and looking up at him.
“I –”
“It’s alright, Galahad. Go ahead. Make the girl yours, but remember, we have a duty to Albion and I have a duty to Camelot. I’ll drag you back to be king even if it means holding you by your hair and making you fight.” The words were hard and dark. His breath hissed as if I’d slapped him. This wasn’t the conversation I’d been planning for the last few days.
“I have not forgotten my duty, Sire,” he said, clearly telling me he understood he’d been made my vassal. “Camelot will never be abandoned by the du Lac family line.” His own tone made it clear to me we’d both slipped into negative patterns of behaviour but I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t stop the anger from spilling out. This pointless and facile argument ripped through us regardless of the consequences.
The Du Lac Legacy (Sons of Camelot Book 2) Page 17
