“Then I suggest you make some more of it, a few brats around the camp fire will make life so much easier,” I snapped. The wave of hurt finding him with Aleah had caused rolled over me and tears filled my eyes. I loved him and I felt so alone – abandoned really. I just wanted him to love me the way Torvec did but he couldn’t, wouldn’t, so I lashed out, crudely.
“At least l can make more of it.” But he was cruel.
I’d gone too far. “Galahad...” I the ground seemed shift under me as our bonding recoiled from the hate swimming through us.
“I will see to all my duties, Pendragon. Some I will enjoy a great deal more than others, of that I am certain. You wanted us to move on, I’ve moved on. I suggest you do the same and stop pining after me like a mewling pup.”
We stared at each other, Aleah equally frozen. In that moment, if either of us could have removed those words from our memories I think we would have done. The anger, though – the confused anger we both felt for ten thousand confused reasons – prevented words of comfort.
I moved first. I walked away, joined the others and for the first time in weeks, drank myself to sleep.
When dawn came our companions knew something had happened but they didn’t understand what because neither Galahad nor I would speak. We were alone with the painful humiliation of our words except for Aleah and I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. For the first time in my life I was ashamed of my desire for men. I’d not felt this depth of self loathing even after being raped. His cruelty cut me more deeply in that one simple sentence than any battle wound I’d sustained. The words he’d chosen were not random words of anger but deliberately thrown at me to reflect his strong and abiding prejudice. His love and desire for Aleah started to be obvious to everyone and once more our family was made uncomfortable for my sake – even Valla felt sorry for me.
After three days Morgan approached me, despite the walls I’d created around myself for protection against Galahad’s fawning over Aleah.
I stood with my horse, brushing him down and hoping I wouldn’t be forced to spend the evening in company.
“Holt, I think we need to talk.” Morgan’s voice startled me and the horse.
“About what?” I asked, still brushing.
“You know what. I’ve been on the end of Valla’s broken heart and Aleah’s confusion, we need to talk about Galahad. We are all worried about you,” she came around the back of the horse and stared at me over his withers. Her eyes were dark and the mirror to her mother’s.
“How is Valla? You both seem to be blossoming in your relationship,” I said.
“I’m not here to discuss Valla. You must speak with Galahad, clear the air, whatever has happened it can’t be that bad.” Her hand whipped out and grabbed mine to stop me from brushing.
I stared at her. “I am bonded to a man who cannot bring himself to look at me right now. I have nothing to say to him,” I said.
“What happened? You were happy.” Morgan’s sympathy broke through some of the barriers.
“We were just friends and now we aren’t. He wants Aleah, he wants something normal and safe. He has used words against me that are hard to forgive. I cannot be around him,” I said.
“But he is embedding himself in this place, in Aleah and that puts everything at risk, including Camelot.”
“I know. I’ve tried to speak to him about it but he will make his own decision. He doesn’t have to try for the throne. He doesn’t have to be king. I do, it’s inherited, but none of you have to remain in the royal household if you don’t want.”
“We do if we want to keep Camelot safe,” she said.
I shrugged, unable to find words.
“Holt,” she insisted.
“I’ve done everything I can. He’s alive, beyond that I have no control.”
She tried a little more to convince me but soon realised I had no desire to save myself or Camelot from Galahad’s behaviour. Nim would be sent next, to try kindness against Morgan’s firm assertions and she was right, I had to try to at least put us back on speaking terms.
On the way back to the camp I saw him talking to Habib. I walked over to join them. Habib looked at me, glanced at Galahad’s face and excused himself.
“We need to talk,” I said.
“I have nothing to say that you want to hear,” he said and he turned away from me.
I grabbed his arm. “Stop, Galahad. We must sort this out, for everyone’s sake.”
He pulled out of my grip and looked at his arm as though he wanted to cut it off. The disdain was default behaviour, I could see that, but I honestly didn’t have the strength to deal with it. I’d given everything to protect him and his fear of my desire just kept whipping out to burn me.
“There is nothing to sort out. I have made my choice and I see you for what you truly are. This will not stop me from attending to my duty for Albion’s sake. Aleah will come with me and I will return with an army to help her defeat her brother. I will keep Camelot’s precious walls safe.” He spoke with arrogance and pride. Where had this version of Galahad come from? What I had done that was so horrible to force him to fall back on The Lady’s training? His anger with me writhed around us, snapping jaws of rage in my face. Why was he the angry one? I was the one being left – abandoned.
“I am glad you will not punish Camelot for my crimes,” I managed to say, finding it hard to draw air into tight lungs. “May I ask what you think I am?” This was the foolishness of my thought processes now – I stood in the middle of a tar pit holding a torch blazing with flames and I wanted to drop it – the conflagration engulfing me once and for all.
Galahad’s eyes flashed with his own hurt, tears standing proud on his lashes until he wrestled them back, using a frightening level of self control. “I have been led to emotions and conduct unbecoming for a leader of men, for a king. The corruption of your love for me has blinded me to how wrong it is for men to love men. I am not like you. I will never be like you and you must learn to understand that I not your creature.”
My throat grew so tight I couldn’t breathe. “What happened, Galahad? Why are you punishing me? This is cruel and you know it. I have never hurt you –”
A flush of colour rushed over his skin. “Never hurt me? Holt, you told me to move on, you are the one not allowing it to happen. You don’t want me, Aleah does and I will not continue to be tainted by your love.”
“We were happy,” I said. “You said it yourself.”
“And you said in order for that to continue I would have to be your lover.”
“That’s not what I said. I said we would have to let each other go for other people to fill that role in our lives,” I pleaded. “Where is this coming from?”
“I have tried to be the man you want, I have tried to be the man The Lady wants, I am neither. Aleah holds me to my true path.” He didn’t seem to be listening to me.
“Why hurt me? Why tell me my love is a corruption? I just wanted to give you the chance to be happy with someone – even Aleah – I didn’t think to do that you would have to hate me. You’re the one that can’t bear the thought of making love to me. Why take away all the healing you’ve helped me with over the months since my rape? Which, I may add, happened so I could save you,” I almost shouted at him.
He became very still and pale. “I am aware of your sacrifice but you must know your love is not natural and I cannot condone your sexual desire. Just as you do not understand me, I do not understand you. I have learned that lesson well.”
“You’re right, I really don’t understand,” I said, utterly mystified.
“I am not like you.”
“Fine, but you don’t have to hurt me with it,” I said.
“I hope to convince you that you are wrong,” he said quietly.
I had no more words. The warm, pine scented air could no longer fill my chest. He turned away from me and I watched him join Aleah. I still didn’t understand. I still didn’t know what had happened to change so much betw
een us. I thought he loved me. He said he loved me. Why was The Lady’s training, the only influence in his young life, so embedded? Why couldn’t he let it go, let her hate go?
CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN
Even when your heart is ashes the world doesn’t stop turning. I watched Galahad, I couldn’t help it, he was perfect. He laughed with Kerwin, helped Lance teach Morgan to be a better swordswoman and Nim to better control her horse. He made love to Aleah every night by the sounds of things and the only person who remotely understood my pain was Valla. She and Nest became my constant companions, both trying to draw my pain from me, but I couldn’t let it go. I’d given my heart to Galahad, unguarded because I thought he cared about me, and now he utterly rejected everything that made me happy because he wanted to be normal and he wanted me to be normal.
We didn’t talk to each other for days. He did everything he could to avoid me and the more he avoided me the further inside myself I travelled. I could have reached out with the bonding. I could have forced him to see the hurt inside my heart but I didn’t. For a start I didn’t know how. I also didn’t see the point. He knew I was in pain and he did nothing to shelter me from it.
Why?
Every day, a hundred times or more I asked myself that simple question. Why had he rejected me so ferociously? I even asked Nest if she thought he was bewitched by something; she patted me on the shoulder and said she’d already checked, but no, he was safe from spells.
Eventually we made it to Larz.
A vast sprawling city which once housed one of the greatest central cities of Albion but now consisted of aging monuments to a time gone by and large makeshift areas inhabited by the poor and miserable.
We’d spent the day climbing gradually toward a central plateau in the middle of a large basin. The city didn’t cover this side, but poured down the slopes of the rest, following the river’s course and a mighty river it was – far larger than the one Camelot and The City used. We’d left the herd of horses and camels with Habib’s belongings in huge pens on the fertile valley floor. He’d parted with a great deal of gold for the finest and safest place among the traders pouring into the area. From Larz items of worth would travel north toward Aleah’s own city and then on toward our homeland. The entire place heaved with people and animals and we were now escorting Habib, his wives and a small quantity of goods into the city confines. We also carried our own possessions as this was the end of our road for now.
After weeks on the empty tracks of mountain passes, rolling grasslands and deserts, to be thrust into the sink and sin of people felt distinctly wrong. I’d grown used to the bray of camels and horses – to be surrounded by this tumultuous cacophony made my teeth ache and my head pound. Every time I turned around I seemed to see a new threat. The faces were alien to me. Hard black skins and expressions that came from lives lived in misery and pain made everything strange and uncomfortable. I wished we’d left Nim and Aleah with the horses. They were watched with a hunger and lust that unnerved me. Morgan ignored everyone but I could see the tension in her shoulders. We were all scared of this hot, sweating, stinking mass of unknown fey.
We roved through narrow streets that seemed to have no plan, houses and shops almost thrown up at random, simple wooden structures with mud to fill gaps or perhaps handmade bricks formed by mud and dung squashed together. Doors were open mostly and I saw little of the order I’d noticed in other habitations we’d come through on our travels to this city. If the men’s eyes were filled with hunger for our women and goods, the eyes of the children shredded my supposed dignity. I wanted to collapse to my knees and beg their forgiveness for bringing such innocence into the world and abandoning them to the horrors of hunger and exploitation. The women were either mirrors of the men or victims, the evidence all too clear even if the bruises weren’t as clear as they would be on Morgan or Nim.
Kerwin, as dark as any of the people around us, stood out simply because he walked with confidence and pride. His long hair was tied back neatly and his clothes well ordered. We were alien. Different and therefore easy to spot – which I also didn’t like.
We walked through the chaos and toward the heart of the city. We could have ridden but Habib said it was more dangerous to be mounted than on foot, horsemen were cut down regularly for the meat on the animals and the gold in the rider’s pockets. By the time we reached what might be thought of as streets, areas that had once been beautifully paved, we were all exhausted and sweaty.
“Not much further, my friend,” Habib said me. “I will show you a safe place to stay while you go about your own business.”
“Will you need us again?” I asked him.
“Perhaps, I will know where to find you all if I do.” He smiled and I couldn’t help but think he’d also know where we were to rob us of our due.
He led us to a traveller’s rest, what we would think of as an inn, and bade us farewell, shooing his wives away in a clutch. The merchant also gave me a large bag of gold, telling me we’d earned more than share due because he’d lost nothing on the journey thanks to our skills as soldiers.
The building looked clean and was at least made of stone which might once have been white. Weather beaten statues stood in alcoves beside the large front entrance and some of the larger windows that contained no glass. We walked up a short flight of shallow steps and into a huge entrance hall which doubled as a bar. A large staircase swept upward in a finely made curve and light filled the large room but was shaded by cleverly positioned columns and veranda.
I didn’t even think about it, I headed straight for the bar.
A man with a clean shaven head, fairer skin than many around us and cautious eyes rather than hard, came toward me.
“Can I help?” he asked in Common.
“You speak my language?”
“I speak many languages, as do any who want to do well in Larz,” he said.
I chuckled slightly. “Unfortunately I think the only other languages I speak won’t have travelled this far south.”
“Probably not. We don’t get many of your kind here,” he said.
“I hope that’s not a problem,” I said, pushing a single gold coin over the bar toward the man.
“No, I don’t think it will be problem, sir,” he said politely and with a rather lovely accent.
“My friends and I need rooms, you were recommended as somewhere safe for us to spend some time.” I pushed another coin toward him. It vanished into his voluminous clothing.
“I think I have just what you are looking for and you will be safe in the Aguadoy of Larz,” he said the name of the inn but for the life of me the chances of me ever remembering it would be almost nothing. “I will bring you and your friends wine.”
“Thank you,” I said.
I rejoined the others. “We have rooms being organised, wine on the way and I think I’m going to like it here,” I said, sounding happier than I felt – Galahad had Aleah tucked under his arm.
Nim put her hand into mine, her palm was rough from weeks of hard work but she’d only complained when her fair skin proved fine fodder for the insects at work everywhere. “Good,” she said. “You deserve some fun.”
“I do,” I announced. “So, I’m off duty. Lance, here’s the money, I’ve removed all I’m likely to need so share the rest out as you see fit and don’t expect to see me too soon.”
Galahad frowned. “You’re leaving?” The first words he’d spoken to me directly for days.
“Yes. I’m going to get laid,” I said and walked off, remembering the first night I’d spent with Torvec and trying not to cry.
The sun began to set in the west and the heat of the day started to let me go. I walked toward it and decided not to be scared of the new world I inhabited. When I shed my fear the faces around me lightened and I could see young lovers walking arm in arm. I saw the old chiding children who gathered around with hands out for coin and sweetmeats. I saw men and women working side by side – equals in a land I’d begun to think didn�
�t understand the concept. There were packs of men you knew instinctively to avoid and eyes followed the strange pale man with the broadsword at his hip rather than the familiar curved blade these people favoured. I was still dressed in the robes Habib had sold to us but I left my head uncovered and my blonde hair must have stood out for leagues.
I made certain I remembered the pattern of the streets I followed, the paving becoming better the closer to the centre I travelled, and I looked out for land marks. Large decaying fountains that must have been beautifully carved statues of animals and fantastical sea creatures. We were so far from the sea I was amazed anyone knew anything about it, but water was clearly prized and honoured in this place. I also tried to remember the sounds of words being shouted by the dozens of traders lining the streets, who reminded me of the bazaars of The City and Camelot’s markets. The whole world felt like a gift. I couldn’t see or feel Galahad close to me and I couldn’t feel the weight of expectations from the others. I didn’t know if I was looking for a night of simple sex or just something new and strange to draw me away from the darkness gathered around my shoulders and in my soul. It didn’t really matter. Galahad had made me question my path in ways that hurt me to the core and I wanted to heal that hurt – I wanted to be accepted.
CHAPTER TWENTY EIGHT
I found a tavern, which wasn’t really a tavern but I didn’t have another word for it, that spilled out over the street. Rough tables and benches were placed in the light of a dying sun but few people were sat on them; the inside, however, heaved with people.
I’d walked far enough to satisfy my desire to be alone so I sat at a table and wandered if I could buy ale rather than wine. The heave of humanity continued to flow around me but I noticed the noise from inside the tavern changed quality for a moment so I glanced behind me. The entrance, an arch with no door, spat out a young man who’d fought his way through the multitude. He instantly gained my attention.
The Du Lac Legacy (Sons of Camelot Book 2) Page 18
