Happiness in Numbers

by Nicole Field

  "More or less!" Hiraeth called back. Between them, Lucas drew a deep breath, schooling his expression again.

  Keith tried to do the same.

  But Hiraeth hadn't finished. "I'm going to call a break. It'll take more than a day so let's finish it off tomorrow, or Keith's going to burn his second sight out before he's done, and that'll take him a lot longer to recover from, yeah?"

  Avi looked like he was going to protest, then just shrugged. "I guess," he said sullenly.

  "And besides," Hiraeth said, "I don't know about you, but I'm getting hungry. Let's all have a nice dinner together and try to relax, okay?"

  "Sure," Avi said. He glanced behind him, presumably getting the Snakeskin Girl's opinion, then nodded again.

  "Together?" Keith mumbled.

  Hiraeth's arm tightened against his side, then loosened, both quick gestures. "Oh—no, I imagine you'll want to be getting home." He smiled at Keith, but something about it seemed false, anxious.

  Keith reacted to that almost without considering it. "No, it's fine," he said. "Let's have dinner together."

  *~*~*

  They ate dinner on the floor in Hiraeth's flat. He pushed what little furniture he had against the walls, and they all sat in a circle to eat lentil pasta with artichoke hearts. Keith could die for it. Hiraeth had offered to get Keith something with more meat—the Snakeskin Girl needed to order something like that anyway—but he'd decided to share it in some sort of weird desire for solidarity, and was absolutely glad he did.

  Even those who weren't eating joined their circle—Lucas sitting between Keith and the Snakeskin Girl, cross-legged and in much better spirits than he'd been right after seeing Shaunee, and Fish just left in his bowl between the Snakeskin Girl and Avi.

  "He likes to be included," the Snakeskin Girl had explained, unasked, when she'd put his bowl down there. "He'd get lonely if we just left him downstairs."

  It made sense—and Keith was inclined to agree. The general mood he'd been sensing off Fish had dimmed a little the longer their search had taken, and being included seemed to improve it again—albeit with an undercurrent of frustration.

  Though, to be fair, Keith wasn't sure if that was really Fish's feeling, maybe due to his inability to contribute to the conversation, or his own. He didn't know a thing to say to Avi, and every time he tried, he just remembered Avi accusing him of being careless with Hiraeth's feelings.

  He didn't think he was. The way Hiraeth beamed at them around the circle, apparently just delighted to have his boyfriends and his son's group together, made him feel more sure than ever that it was okay. And even if it wasn't, it was Hiraeth's choice to make.

  But then, Avi had known Hiraeth a lot longer than he had…

  "He looks sad," the Snakeskin Girl said, and Keith jumped, worrying that she'd meant him. But she was gazing into Fish's bowl.

  Sure enough, Fish's fins were a little droopy.

  "He's probably hungry too," Avi said mournfully. He pulled a little container of fish flakes out of his pocket and shook it into the bowl. "You dumb fucking fish. When you get better I'm gonna make fun of you for eating this shit for a year. A decade. Just get better, okay?"

  The Snakeskin Girl laughed a little wryly, curled unnaturally around her own legs as she ducked down to watch Fish bob to the surface and gulp some of the flakes down. "Eating that is its own punishment," she declared. "I hope we do find something…"

  "What are your plans if you don't?" Hiraeth asked, expression serious again. "I don't mind contacting people in my trade network and seeing if they have anything, or if I can find someone who's able and willing to counter-curse, but that might take a while… and you know that counter-curses have their own cost."

  Keith didn't, but they both seemed to, and made faces at the idea.

  "We'll just have to find something," Avi muttered. "Worst comes to worst, I'll pay the cost."

  The Snakeskin Girl put a hand on his shoulder. "Not alone."

  "Well… hopefully it won't come to that," Hiraeth said. "Any ideas?" He was looking at Keith and Lucas now.

  It was probably just to keep them from being left out, but Keith's heart began to beat faster at the sudden attention anyway. "I'm not sure," he admitted. "I'm really getting to know Fish's aura, his feelings, but…"

  "But?" the Snakeskin Girl asked.

  "Well, I could maybe…" He glanced aside at Lucas, trying to read his expression. Lucas was there with him through everything, was the best source of a second opinion at all times.

  Lucas cleared his throat, nodding. "If it's going to be a dangerous thing anyway, maybe Keith could go a bit deeper?"

  Keith let out a breath, a little relieved that he wasn't the one to have to say it. "Yeah. If the curse is keeping him locked in there… I mean, I've worked with that sort of thing before. Minds trapped by their vessel… um, I met someone who got forced into a vessel that wasn't natural to her, and the whole situation made her forget who she was. I was able to go inside and unlock that and when I did that, she was able to force the vessel to become her own, even though it wasn't originally suitable."

  "He does know who he is, though," the Snakeskin Girl said. "We don't know much, but we do know that."

  "Yeah… I know, I believe you," Keith said. "And I don't think I could go in without his permission if he's his full self anyway. And it's not… fun. For either of us. It's a little dangerous. If I'm inside his mind, his person, it's… beyond even sharing a vessel. I could literally alter his… his symbols? I know you guys are built around symbols, your alignments, and that's what your form and personality are all about. And, for me, if he gets protective of something, I'm pretty sure he could destroy my soul in there." He swallowed. "So I mean, it might not be the best choice."

  "No way," Avi said, frowning heavily. "We'll find something tomorrow or pay a cost we do know. You're too careless for me to trust you with my own lover's soul."

  This again. Keith looked down, stung.

  The Snakeskin Girl grimaced. "I mean, it's worth considering…"

  "No. Flat out. We'll just keep looking tomorrow and he can help out that way…" Avi did nod to Keith, a begrudging gratitude on his face. "But… thanks. I get that it's dangerous to you and you offered anyway."

  Relieved and disappointed all at once, Keith nodded back. "Sure, I get it. No problem."

  Hiraeth shot him a glance, a strangely shy smile, and Keith smiled back, ducking his head.

  *~*~*

  When dinner was done, Avi and the Snakeskin Girl carried Fish back to their van, leaving the rest of them alone.

  Hiraeth rolled over with a groan, relaxing all at once and flopping his feet against Keith's legs. "I'm sorry, Keith, m'love," he said, before Keith even had a chance to speak. His face was out of sight from this angle, but his tone was wryly mournful. "He's a handful."

  "I see that," Keith agreed. He squeezed one of Hiraeth's feet lightly, feeling his toes wiggle under the touch. Hiraeth was back to normal now, here with just the three of them. He'd been so wound-up when the others were around, and it made Keith's heart flutter a little to realize how much Hiraeth did relax around them.

  Lucas flopped down on the floor next to Hiraeth, sitting cross-legged by him. "Are there some issues with you and his ma or something…?"

  Hiraeth propped himself up on his elbows, his other foot squirming playfully up Keith's thigh. Keith caught that one too. "Not as I'm aware," Hiraeth said lightly. "She and I weren't in love, but I love her regardless and we make good enough friends. She lives pretty far away, so we don't see each other all that often, but if something were wrong I'd expect one of them to tell me."

  "I hope you know how weird it is that you've got a kid who looks my age while you also look my age. I really wasn't expecting to have to deal with jealous children." To take away any possible sting, Keith pushed Hiraeth's feet casually, bending his knees.

  Hiraeth permitted it, cycling absently. "Hardly my fault your kind live quickly and briefly," he said, tone gro
wing even warmer, even wryer. "Honestly, you might meet my grandkids sometime. I don't think he has any, but some of my others do—and those grandkids are older than you too."

  "Weird old man," Lucas teased gently. "Gonna give Keith a complex." He leaned over, running a hand over Hiraeth's forehead. Keith watched as Hiraeth turned his face into that. "You okay, though? You're seeming kind of run-down compared to your usual, uh, joie de vivre."

  Nose wrinkling, Hiraeth huffed a breath of air. "I should be asking you that, love! You're the one who had a big shock today."

  "Asked you first," Lucas said. "Deal with it, my man."

  That drew a laugh out of Hiraeth, who sank back down onto the floor. "I'm all right," he said. "It's hard having someone you adore come to you for help when you've no idea what to do for them, you know? Ahhh, and it's clear he's picking on you a little too. I don't want to intervene and make it seem like you can't handle it, but what do you want me to do?"

  Even though Keith had been wondering the same thing himself, abruptly it seemed… simple. "Don't worry about it," he said firmly. He lifted one of those socked feet and kissed it. "I'm fine. We're fine. He's being a bit bratty but I'm not going to be talked into breaking up with you."

  "He tried to talk you into breaking up with me!?" Hiraeth sat up abruptly, eyes huge.

  "Not—exactly? Maybe?" Keith scooted back a few feet, frowning at him. "It doesn't matter, because it won't happen."

  "Please don't break up with me! I mean, unless you're not feeling it, because of course I won't force you into anything but, I, I really would rather not, we, that's—" Hiraeth seemed to trip over his tongue, words dissolving into a loud whine.

  Lucas laughed at that, a gentle sound. "Given how hard it was for Keith to work up the nerve to ask you out, man, I think you're safe."

  "Hey," Keith protested with no heat. He grabbed Hiraeth by the velvety antlers and hauled him in for a hug. "It's fine. You're fine. If we have problems, we'll talk about it, all right? Him having problems with us isn't the same thing as us having problems." He tried to put authority into his voice.

  Hiraeth seemed very small and still for a moment. And then he nodded, conking Keith lightly against the side of the head. "All right, you're saying it, so I have to believe it."

  He leaned up for a kiss and Keith pulled him closer, kissing back firmly, making sure he knew it was true.

  *~*~*

  Keith and Lucas headed back to the dorm before it got too late. Keith wasn't entirely sure he wanted to leave Hiraeth alone, not given the uncertainty he was clearly feeling, but he knew Lucas was going through some stuff too after seeing Shaunee, that he needed the space to try to figure out what to do about her. If they were there with Hiraeth, even if they all meant to do otherwise, Lucas would try to prioritize someone else.

  Besides, Keith really did need to go get a change of clothes.

  He sank down onto his bed with a sigh, hauling his shirt off and sitting there for a moment before digging around for a tank top to sleep in. "Lucas…"

  "Yeah," Lucas said. "I seriously don't know what to do."

  "Me neither." Keith changed into a new pair of boxers, then hugged his knees, curling in his narrow twin bed against the back wall. "Really want to give you a hug too, though."

  Lucas sank down onto the bed also, a weightless cold patch growing steadily more morose. "I could honestly use one."

  Keith patted the mattress next to him; even though there wasn't really space, Lucas climbed up and curled down against Keith, partly through him. It chilled Keith to the bone, but he just pulled the blanket over himself.

  "Can I go in you?" he mumbled. "I can hug you that way, at least."

  Lucas let out a soft laugh. "Yeah," he said. "You know it. I trust you in there."

  Keith closed his eyes. He imagined himself—his mind, his heart, his ghost—overlapped on his prone form, separate from it. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself away from his body and into Lucas's mind.

  *~*~*

  The street corner was, thankfully, abandoned. On worse days, the car was there, and Lucas's body as well, broken and bent in ways a body shouldn't be.

  Despite the shock of seeing his sister, this must not be one of the worse days. It was just a street corner, cracks running through the pavement, weeds growing through the cracks. The first time Keith had come here, Lucas's grasp on himself had been nearly lost, and it had been shrouded in mist. These days, it looked like the actual place, sunlit and affable, just completely void of any human life.

  Keith sometimes wondered what he'd encounter if he went exploring now, took a street down another way. Lucas's past, probably, his memories. Maybe even scattered symbols of Keith and their own relationship.

  But there was no need. As a ghost, if Lucas didn't stay exactly how he was, there was a good chance he'd move on. If it were his time, and if he wanted to, Keith wouldn't hold him back. But he didn't want that day to happen any time soon, and he definitely didn't want it to be due to his meddling if it did.

  So he just stayed here, on the street corner.

  Lucas was sitting cross-legged in the road, and Keith padded over, barefoot but warm in the sunlight. Lucas smiled, holding up a hand to him.

  Keith took it, felt his fingers catch hold of Lucas's for real, and swallowed the knot in his throat that always welled up when they did this. Here, each was as solid as the other, as present. He let Lucas pull him down, practically crawling into Lucas's lap as they pressed close, held each other, squeezed for the pure joy of being able to feel each other fully.

  They sank to the concrete and just lay there for a bit, holding each other and breathing.

  Finally, Lucas said, "I don't know what to do, man. Anything we say to her could hurt her. It's been five years, but it's only been five years at the same time, you know? Trying to say, hey, your brother's ghost is around, he loves you, or… pass on any last words or anything, I don't know… any of that could just reopen the grief all over again. She's living her life now. I don't wanna make it harder for her just so I can feel like I'm doing something."

  Keith nodded against his shoulder. "I've been thinking and thinking and I'm just… stuck," he admitted. "I can't think of any way that it won't be bad. Even me just being there might be bad. But… I mean, me being there might also give her the chance to say things to me that… maybe she's wanted to."

  "Shaunee's not that sort," Lucas said firmly, though with a worried line between his brows. "But… yeah. It might be good if you were at least there to talk to. Other than that… I don't know. Maybe we can ask Hiraeth to give her the doll for free, say that I'd come in to ask about putting it aside for her when I had more cash or something, before I died. Could probably make a whole yarn about how it clicked for him when he saw you. Remembered the news about it or whatever."

  "Yeah, maybe," Keith said. "It'd be nice if you could give her something."

  "Yeah… just something to get my feelings across. That I still love her. That I'm thinking of her. You know?"

  Keith nodded. He pulled Lucas closer, holding tight. "I do know. Just… letting her know how you feel, in some way that won't be too painful."

  "Can I kiss you?" Lucas blurted. "I don't… I don't know that thinking any more about this will do any good, and you feel so nice in my arms—it's always so damn nice to feel you—"

  Keith's heart gave a flip he was sure he could feel in his real body, back in the bed. "Please," he said, with a little hitched breath, and leaned up, running his palms over the tightly coiled curls of Lucas's hair, kissing that soft mouth hard, trying to make Lucas feel how much he loved him, how much he hurt for him.

  *~*~*

  The moment the shop bell jingled, Keith put the container of kind-of-water-colored rocks he was examining to the side. He muttered, "Sorry, be right back," to the two Others as he slipped into the main room.

  Lucas pressed tightly and nervously to his side.

  "What's your pet fish's name?" he heard a girl's voice asking Hiraet
h. They'd left the tank out in the main room, since the back was so small.

  "Um! Well, Fish," Hiraeth said. "We're not an inventive lot in my family."

  Still hidden behind one of the rows of shelves, Keith peeked out, hoping he didn't seem like as much of a creep as he felt.

  "That's to the point, I guess," Shaunee said, amused.

  She'd changed, of course. When Keith had last seen her, she'd been a twelve-year-old girl in a black dress with neatly-bound cornrow hair, half-buried in her parents' embrace, ashy with grief, her eyes wide and wet as they looked at each other across the burial plot. Lucas had been shouting beside him, in agony at seeing his family mourning him, and Keith had been desperately telling himself it wasn't real.

  Here and now, she was in her late teens, the sides of her head shaved and an elegant puff of corkscrew curls filling out the rest of it and tumbling down over her forehead. She was dressed in bright clothing—a yellow top, white jeans—that highlighted the warmth of her brown skin. She couldn't look more different from Keith's memory of her.

  Keith's hand sought out Lucas's, passing through that cold patch of air. For a moment, he didn't think he could do it. His knees locked; his feet went numb, icy. The back of his throat was a desert wasteland that he could barely swallow around.

  But it wasn't for his own sake. He reminded himself of that. If she had something to say to him, he could at least give her that chance, and let them enact the little play they'd planned out to get her a gift from Lucas.

  He swallowed hard and forced his legs to move, stepping out. "Ah—y-yuh—" Words weren't working right. He drew a deep breath. At least he didn't have to fake how seeing her had completely undone him.

  Shaunee turned at the sound, and for a moment, she didn't recognize him, just gave him the slightly-weirded-out look he was sure his appearance demanded. And then her eyes widened a little, the uneasy smile falling off her face.

  They stared at each other. "Keith Marose?" she asked finally.

  He made his head bob, an awkward motion. "Shaunee, right?"

  "Yeah, that's me." She broke eye contact, looking down at the hardwood floor, rubbing her heel against a scratch she saw there. "How have you been?"