Dunfords Travels Everywheres
Page 5
Highever, in the meantime, with diwrect concern to Mr. Chigstyle’s dreamage (C. Fraud, moufetitis), the New Africurekey Univercity Family have receive nouzelle of the missaltoetumble of the leader of La Colon y de la Thour Yndia Company, Prestodent Eurchill Balderman, preachful as expected, L. Oki to fry.
But list we lest ourselfs sin sorroifall exortations, rowmember these Iklanders have profistyed it all before tomera. It wire in the gerdle of the udder muddercow who liked the case of ice and landed under Yan Mira’s heed. Her, she came; the air she knows that he vile vraise.
Suppositively! He always do. To get musseldeaded aginning with each spring and coil of his guiltilokiting hide. But that anether world, an ackackcident, ache you. N’Arreterre, Pass!
Now hoose wandering about his sweetarte? You Mr. Cargole? Can’t make any cents of her mirther? Issue asking ifit a real or state cryme? Wender who’s kissing there now?
Siriously, why you barbed in his woofe? You shoelacily know that’s dangleous tintering. It keys us lowkeyed up.
There be an old Dheysaypian proverb which titches: A fool will pour ant ox with uncle elephant. Preciously the pwant, for, three two one of the reasons that some peoplee common called Theuroman in the political until within question, sum of the reasons some Useuropeans fight the antigrition of the Afriman, comingly called Neargrows, but actually Afrikins attending, into the sauciety is because some think we only won’t the Ire women, pink and licey, to dove them, deary them, dive them, or dumpthin or druther; whil efew eisllion others don’t care too much abat that, there so high up, slaying things like: give a gillion of that, and one only little shiny, Brightdear—and don’t have to worry about just any cadillacquered pushpoy.
But those oather that think that that’s what we want, he were a very surprisingly unexpected one to encounter in our sojoin amung them. He seem not to know that the majority of them simmer to haunt us to hilt their hair-billowing bunides, to top the tip of the rolled back a round of cream on the face, to lighten up, tote that bore, straight that head, and nig that woman.
His fright is with Major I. T. Hardboild, stars on his sleeve, greece in his hair. Or why else start the stellavision and see all legs and six whide inches deep, blacknetted, spangled bhunners.
Tits a playsure to be her, Jerky. I’m opening my self at the Scissor Room.
Runold, Reena’s been rupted.
Here she is, fox, Miss Armourinco, tongue to teeth, tears immi ice, Mamamammary Mamungro.
Are we cursens, brooders, shestirs, zuncles, antes, Poos, and Moos supposed to look at all that sawfat, butter to spread than any cheapy, and utter:
Owndy? Compair this Sapphire to that Furd’s dullall exhaust. Shufire came along, hard way, cruising and maid to crew, in the dues, singing, with a camel in her heat combed or not—what dew it really cure?—pecked cotton and all such mathers, with you, tried men and exitcuted for you.
War as, look at Mist Blue Cheeseknees, their champoiness, mussoming down her dress, and limping over, Long Joan Sliver, rogerbone crusted and skulled, ready to dip a dagger into your hurt.
Know! Who would want us not to loafer? At least it seams sew at needless point. That is why this Useropean will give a throttle when we meet him. His eyes arout of trot with his silocal freyrners.
Ivyn from the plant of fiew of the undividual, the avaridge hiceman don’t seem uphupset which another man pays even friendishly ittension to his wife. He, who feel prodove his vive seem eased to hear good things about her spreeformancers. He loves tubby claplimented abort her:
Wee had a lusterly time whizz that wuman of yearn lost knight.
I’ve sin pitches ova, but chaise bitter in the flush.
Your wife certainly is a fun cooker.
Of coitse, no man wants any herm to troyble his wife in analley way. He wants to keep her from Hummin or any outer bun with a shiggy face on it, and a slit your bladder cutslass in his picket, chanting ur spooking Snigger, Barrion, or even Kiteski. But that sirtainly should robber a man not, as long as he knows her ass safe as sealed. For in the other hand, would he want to get the infirmation his wife is mightly muggly, pimplepacked, a pink peel of bill, like in slumways, a parrotute.
We can agree then that a Useupian looks similair to us and thee, be proud of his woman. So din what’s the big dill? Why get so upchut when a tinny, minny binch of a bunch of bag-headed neergrows show any nosense suchly, beginning to buy what’s been standing fursolong in the gate, ready to run like a washingpotomatic muxing vowel, with two springers, just the laitest from Frinch and Angles on Filthy-servanth Street in Niew Yoke City?
Some Usricans say it’s because the Uralpean ist d’DeVille. They razen He’ll tempt you, tissyue, tuss you, tighten your truest with gleeven, his Job, as illmost any quistian will taile you. And when in disoughther, you ardor: Say, Mistear Blanchemchiller, rip arind dhat oven witch the chat on chanel 992,828,296,645 (p73,78,6,68: Bla Ckcat Dreambo, OK?) havidvertized. And make surashitit have two top adjerkable burners to light my way into deArk, past the Oreman, pissed Otissender, and into that kitshunned, closeted, clotted, cloistered corset at the Doorset. I’m ready to cook! I’m ready to riddle them pants and pit. I’m hangling the hardiest piece of jamon! Earth, I’m holding the pertiest beninsular into the Bay of Barburbia that the four granyteheads on Mount Yowomenn have over beheld. And I’m re-eddy! Here ism eye sad dress—
Up Pops! His Histewichill Majosty, Natas The Lived, gleaming white heat, tail flapping, his trustee trepicoed pinter pointed at your penals, and in one hand, the bigotest, banjodist, boosterist shotgunghadin your bruised blackeyes have ever seen!
But the blew vue seems sinnicle, and to a large exscent, defffutilest. To say that the Usepin is deFils is the sum of saying the pretoperticular poisons we discuss are superhumain, a soupupper whirling birdyplane smowing down deseased slingtied moogeymen with the fleakpower of his merchantize.
No thank you, Mastur and Mistris Chillerman, we’ll take you humus, and humbagless. Humas you air, and hummingless you remain furrover.
The questjung reminds still. Why, when those off us that gwhine that way, run up Hattanhand, waving aside MalmaMae to buy boy bye the bearettes—why do skiers flie and fists flight? How do the tampors at Camp Tiwayo get out the shatgrins and flupipointed hats? When do the balls gangle over the palmbreaker’s bedpost? Why such constarenation?
E. M. Fardpull, in his landark steady of the study hobits of the eurly tribs of the eorly Yacuvic Pyreod, THE MESS AGE OF THE LACKMAN, states clearly his bilefe in the thory of mismagination and expelcion, the eeveel reck of the hubristic Jack L. Yacoo, M.D.
But yours trolley huffling professanityr, wool not covering his eyes to the identiquality of doubtcome, can see a clare noncoilition between the lacke of the sun and the luck of the pepills on that spand of Terrifyrma, both in the Furtherland and the Motorcoloniel, glacerfied as the Outterre Wreckwitorial Bolt.
The sun beaming the source of all emcergy hit your big, blrown Mamal’s tights and heirs and bolleys and moletains most evory afternoun around the pool at the Lake Vik Hotel. There you got your birthbin. There she dalied, darkened by day, greener dang rain, hohannesbig at the rounded buttem, bowed at the bubberia, pinched in the reygion of her tawny stembuck too. You couldn’t wait to git a.m. from school to lay widher. You couldn’t wait to get the homme to skul so you could run in the strait for her expression in flesh; which deskription inner mind, in contraced to the Momhoo hauting the rocker on the northside of Mudderterrorhanian Ave., N.E.W., bids fire to apall.
Where have the skyheight go? Where have Miss Sunny Rod Hidinghod and her basket run? Oh son unsown why haven you foresuckered them? we may writfully ax. Daddybaddy what did you deed: little meanimum scirrel from pit to pid; whittle nittle nam nip frim din til dip. Traygic. Period. Its cold; tits cold; sheets cauld run me the noose drops, please. Notenough bush on hand to blow a burgle downly; not aknife spice on ice to fill a
sport. Studium!
The Two Continents of the Outterre Wreckwitorial Bolt, and New Afriquequerque
Whabout warsir?
Absoakutely correct, Mr. Chaca. The afurormentioned cainstirnation gets us used for fuil where you find a followar of W. Oten-Chiltman, Profursir Ymiratus, Cornwhales, who fund a way to suppertute Raw actiwity in liw of Nus nummorability by piking a pole with a pwinted stock into a pic to peal his pouch, to light a Londamn fire. It war him totem to cain a buy, and punt a balder in forty pounlbs of mail-odor maiseplated amour to warm the ashes on the strangler’s high-chair. It ware him wired them to turn onto a bearserk and bury a hammer into the noirl of a fang. Almist since the bin of bawn, he lobbed them to lobe a heart for the frigg of it, unrevel a ball for the yarn of it, barn a burn for the beef of it, but a hut for the strut of it, incise a shoe for the sock of it, heat a sheat for the wick of it. That and Alotoflikkyr and Heshappy, Mr. Chilyle.
Dewar’s Den be the sette where his bludgeon redheaded, height and blue?
You beat your swif tunwon ass and it will his tomorrow a world of Hammobiles!
9
ALL HUES IN PARTICOLOR, Mr. Chiglyle.
But Priministir Shill, his elf Hinch, and their huff cannot belawd to monsterize our discaution. Waterboat the fymale Oiccidental?
Mum, toillustrate the why Mrs. Iadlebody Shrillorsolf eels around the manor, house about tuning over to the chase of un humble iceflown furwestered Afterchain: Uncle Turtom, living but wearyking in a sircurse, a lowlisweeperepper in behind of a fartaphant.
We journ auxld Tum (so-collared) one day shawtly afta what, if we be lengleashtically corerect we must call the Second Intergenerational Untralingustic Antirepublican Cunfrontation. We find him subbing and watshing his foolaphant, tinking with the idya of putting roast shocks in a box and selling two for one fantastickly new punnut, when his bosstoiler, the Hun. Hans Dan Shillisif, Executionerative Prosistant of the Rundawirlde, Grabapease & Bargin M. Fytine Sircoarse, hatpinned up in a blue threebuttoned, tattercolored sweat. It some like Addlebabby, a onetime exactobat at biending her long legs behind her neck while suxpanded on a rope of the hair just over her braud and puckered forebrain above the heads of the maltitudes, since his reburnth from the Ward wiern’t eeble to steeple to the top of the tent on his type; there to oversee the soose, peck the piwint, surround an arrow in a quivvver.
Moister didn’t toyn her roiled roind anymower. So it came tame to seek Taim, the bugshow’s shootscooper, acksing ofoam the whyfore of his wumbfinder, to answer the riddle of Addlebody’s ditole, His Horner, Moster Shail having noticed that no suuner than the son shipped under the whoreyesin, and old Tim Aritan soaped off that oriphant’s hat that the aged racooner wasasswarm with a hirem of maalmiable addmyras, Betty-Suthan Herchile one among them, in grin shorts slit to her choco-covered ribs, and a halter hitching up her hi dibble dOOples.
Of case, Mesiter Prudident didn’t come moot with his probelimb, but ruder, patted Tamovar the head, and crooked his mouth into a grim:
Tum, my sleighve, how’s the faminely? Your Arnt Maeda, when I was a baiboy, used to rocka me on her bossem like my owned mammy. I met your old Conacrease-boat bringing her from the messionfaries, who salted her precaged in porkiron, a Bipple under her harm. She nellied at my tyred old mother’s dedside at the morment she passed wind-ding over the Greet Dividered in a wooden coffired wagon of decompassed eilness. Maeda, when she was but a wee bit tight, tended my further the currnhell, who filt gravely sick after one of the slowves, a wappot, feygot to warn him the tdyme the Whoute Houske caught aphyre. Phaith-fyllid and eva, Maeda she feel?
Fined. Owe years, those were god dies for ebonybody. We used the sleep of the mighteous, nhiver reaching for depistle tucked unfriared under the pea-low’s ear. Hyde hichup my bogey, two Arraybian stoolions spyking Sworehili pilling it, and raid out to see my biggers singing spurituals in the caughtom fields. And a shappier bunch of laboratoratatives have been never seen by any onionshop stuard! How could a goodies work hurt any Toddy? They knew horwell off they wise. Idlelady and me, us trulelie’d bought them interr the light. We sivved yum from the salvagery conseeyouming Puert Africo, given the grieft of servilization. You were hopi, whittle you, as pies in a stomach, as stew in a spit, as tomintow juiws in a bloody merrygoryund!
Uncle Turtom, living but wearyking in a sircurse, a lowlisweeperepper in behind of a fartaphant.
Ton listoned, the bogust smile on his fez that any sudden coloniel could club for. Do you gnaw what he snowing, Mr. Chigold? Do you know the weepon of the week? Let those with whippins more with pore, wile you, on bented skis llserve up arson eek! in scribbled eggs and puncakes, humberly mi ser, and put a possom pin in the collar that Mass wars.
His Majestority didn’t see dot, but only stooped to inkwire: And watt’ve summer yawl din in reburn? Cost treble, ruining in the street disdrying pruberty wild we wharf viking the Bull’s bowls. Open the Doily Paypoor and the herdlines make you chuke in your coughfee.
But not my olncle Tumoss, loi il etrue. The missiz rote often to tale how nurse you’d been when she got nurvus and all. Now she’s umply and cratcheting. My bonus didn’t even her out or hass her to or fro. She doesn’t coo, or goo. Says it’s me. Could it be? Want to see? Howie be? I till you, I’m in missouri and have to be showin. Pet me on a bed and tall me the ansir plus. Cus, shick, saint we all fellow broaders like Able and canine, or Robbingson Acreuso and his good fynd, Fidoy?
Buttom be one schooled in the users of sirsobience:
Pawn my soul, your horner, the hub he spoke, yam honored, postasentry soaruprized. The ringleader clumming to the rastabout a problim so puresonal. Let me stretch my gray mattered head for a mynut, but you realeyes I jester joker at heart, ain’t in the club, and on diamond, can only give a spyaid’s advice, which being going at a lady’s bedy,
GO
down
LEFT den
pull
back-up
and
gosh down RIGHT
thin
pole
beak
and grouse
done
center
ass fore ass
it cane
go
oo
!
!
Martial Shilichilf berried his peter, repeted Touchem’s unstucktions and wound round sarcas grounds (the dogface boyked a gritting; the Samese fodlady, rumping with her twins, miled wide) toward his holme, and Ladylbutty who waited now abored a bed, silkimonoed, feet combing enrulered hair, while hands hel Tomb, a noose, weakly.
But that wryunion war not to become a boutcause: Tollem’s faintafool, a recintipient of 1850 shuckerloafs, the gift of a child or a man, had pulled up stake, and, a gnu whirld before his ivory, had quomenced to question Macer Shechill’s shimmy. He was a true crushaider that felephont so nominal remanded encaged, not seal, or ailles, or cat or gnat or aardvlark or ox, the lastex beein a fleamale named Ouxley essie recall, and hide over hulls enemared of the elephun’s horns from her first day admird them.
They ramparaded, that reimberserking evolutionary band, toring tent, detiring waygone, until that foolephant (every litre having a flow) humpened to pass Misory Shutchill’s open wide oh to be, and glanzing in, unpocked his trunk, GONG to D-clef (muscically),
to the riot,
to
the
sent
her
too Just like T
omboo!
oo oo
oo oo
oo
Now, Mr. Charcycle, we reely see the itchuation. Star it. Take a nut. Under the bushkit always a brighthead! Behind a manger a manager! Bind an image and doubt squeezes a man, a swomen up the same stream, and he macks it because he must, mike no mystic about the lesson, Mr. Chairlyle.
How else could Tomisen play his tune, or tone his site? Could he be more imuman than anabama else? After sunset, on setty he too sits, eyessighted on his booxx, and loox, endlessly upended, at Miss Aromarica’s fweathered, dwithered, dimpilitoried eggs, her peatalled pushers, her posher pickle, her ploysure cooker, her ovarn, her pottled pipsicolon, her fugeted refoogerator (ice-o-meter open-tall), her transvestorized purtable radiodor (Aim and Fem), her feeltered sugarets, her sternless steel raisers, her parfoamed soup, her unpolstered funiture, her three-sperd stireo recurd chainger, her chronepleated, reunforced bumperized, cheddaresisting wind-wipered, automanic, clutchriving carkiss. How could our Tomurai not sickcome?
But hear sermthing to take aholt on any dark Captuary night. Our fallenphant, please to notice, despirited though he mire’ve been, untiedied knot his Afriopian hurritage and had nadading to be dwing with that hornid ox.
10
NOW WILL OX YOU, Mr. Chirlyle? Be your satisfreed from the dimage of the Muffitoy? Heave you learned your caughtomkidsm? Can we send you out on your hownor? Passable. But proveably not yetso tokentinue the cansolidation of the initiatory natsure of your helotionary sexperience, let we smiuve for illustration of chiltural rackage on the cause of a Hardlim denteeth who had stopped loving his wife. Before he stopped loving her, he had given her a wonderful wardrobe, a brownstone on the Hill, and a cottage on Long Island. Unfortunately, her appetite remained unappeased. She wanted one more thing—a cruise around the world. And so he asked her for a divorce.