by Ryan Michler
When I joined the military in 1999, I was fortunate enough to begin training with my unit prior to shipping off to Basic Training. Among other things, I learned the ranks, how to wear my uniform, and some of the basics of the job I would be performing. But one thing that was etched into my brain as I prepared for my formal training was the phrase “No excuses, Drill Sergeant.”
If ever I got into trouble, I was to utter the words, “No excuses, Drill Sergeant.”
If ever I did something dumb, I was to recite the words, “No excuses, Drill Sergeant.”
If ever I found myself at the receiving end of an angry trainer, I was to repeat the words, “No excuses, Drill Sergeant.”
Looking back on my experience, I can remember having to say those words only once. I can’t remember what I did or why I had a drill sergeant crawling up my ass, but I do remember the look of shock and silence on my drill sergeant’s face when I looked him in the eyes and said, “No excuses, Drill Sergeant.” He stopped, looked me up and down, and simply said, “Good. Carry on, Private.” What could have turned into an hour-long “smoke session” by this seasoned professional turned out to be just a slap on the wrist. I had caught him off guard with something, apparently, he wasn’t used to hearing.
That’s the day I learned that a man doesn’t make excuses. He doesn’t create stories. He doesn’t shift blame. He simply accepts his ass-kicking, learns from his mistakes, and drives on.
THE MINDSET—ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, YOUR ACTIONS, AND THEIR CONSEQUENCES
Taking complete ownership of your life is not an easy thing to do, especially if you’ve been passing the buck your entire life. But it’s an absolute requirement if you have any hope of accomplishing big things and recapturing your heart and mind.
Come to terms with the fact that you’re going to be wrong, that you don’t have it all figured out, and that you don’t need to.
When you win, own it. You deserve it. When you lose, own it. You deserve it.
Realize also that people aren’t going to think less of you when you accept full responsibility for your thoughts, ideas, and actions. If anything, people are going to respect you more when you’re willing and able to say, “I’m sorry. That was my fault and I will correct it.”
That statement does not limit you. It empowers you to correct the thoughts, actions, and patterns you’ve exercised in your life. It’s the foundation for growth. It’s not an opportunity to beat yourself up; it’s an opportunity to learn.
When you do finally accept that everything is within your control and you’re willing to shoulder the burden of owning your life, you give yourself permission to thrive and the right to call yourself a man.
THE SKILL SET
After-Action Review. The After-Action Review is a tool I learned in the military. It’s an exercise I use after every engagement, encounter, conversation, project, and assignment. Simply put, it’s a series of five questions designed to critically analyze and evaluate any given scenario. It’s also designed to give you the feedback needed to empower you to own the shortcomings of the project and tighten up anything that needs to be improved.
The five questions are:
• What did I accomplish that I set out to accomplish?
• What did I not accomplish that I wanted to?
• What did I do well in this exercise/project/etc.?
• What did I not do well in this exercise/project/etc.?
• What will I do better next time?
I encourage you to write these questions down and refer to them often. Soon, and through repetition, you will internalize these questions and use them to focus on the actions that propel you forward.
Empowering Questions. Outside of the After-Action Review, focus on improving the questions you’re asking yourself on daily basis.
Instead of asking, “Whose fault is this?” ask yourself, “What can I do to ensure this doesn’t happen again?”
Instead of asking, “Why didn’t __________ do __________?” ask yourself, “What can I do to ensure __________ gets done next time?”
Instead of asking, “Why am I surrounded by incompetent people?” ask yourself, “What can I do to surround myself with competent people?”
The first set of questions does nothing to improve the situation. The second set of questions focuses on what you can do to improve the situation.
It’s been said that the quality of your life will be determined by the quality of the questions you ask. Make your questions count.
CHAPTER 12
STRENGTH
“Strong men greet war, tempest, hard times. They wish, as Pindar said, to tread the floors of hell, with necessities as hard as iron.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Believe it or not, there was a time when men were strong—mentally, emotionally, physically. Yes, I say that a little tongue-in-cheek, but one needn’t look very far to see that the strength we once possessed as men seems to be dying out. While it may be a condition of the times in which we live, our obligation to protect, provide, and preside has not subsided in the least.
The idea of masculine strength has been replaced with the notion of “vulnerability” and a man who’s “in touch with his feelings.” While I can agree there is a place and a time for a man to understand his emotions and what he is dealing with (refer to Chapter 16, “Self-Awareness”), it should never come at the expense of accomplishing the task at hand.
I’m often told that a man isn’t defined by his muscles. I agree. But he certainly isn’t defined by his ability to be in touch with his sensitive side. A man is defined by what he does or, more specifically, by the outcome of what he does. Intentions are great; results are what matter.
That said, when a man chooses to overlook his need to be strong on every front, results falter. Throughout your life, you will be called upon to shoulder some heavy burdens: bankruptcy, divorce, layoffs, disease, disability, etc. When a man is weak, his ability to shoulder those burdens becomes unbearable and everyone loses.
Unfortunately, strength seems to have become a luxury reserved for those who have the time and inclination to simply look the part. The fitness industry, for example, has been infiltrated by marketing tactics that sound really good but accomplish very little when it comes to actually being stronger. “10 Belly-Blasting Exercises in 10 Minutes” is a headline I recently read, as if six-pack abs are the great metric of man’s overall level of health.
Even worse is the annoyingly overused word “alpha.” What exactly is an “alpha” anyway? Here we have another example of a cleverly worded marketing campaign designed to make a man feel strong rather than develop the strength he only wishes he had. It’s like the old adage goes, “If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t.”
THE WORLD HAS GONE SOFT
Unfortunately, our society has attempted (rather poorly, I might add) to strip away any need to develop the type of mental, emotional, and physical strength our great ancestors possessed. One example where we can clearly see this is youth sports.
When I became a father for the first time, I made a commitment to coach as many of my children’s sports teams as possible. Now, with two boys who each play three sports per year, it’s become a difficult promise to uphold. Regardless, I find it fascinating that we don’t keep score—even for my nine-year-old. Why? Why are we so afraid to teach our children they will fail? Why are we so afraid of measuring their success, or lack thereof, in real time through keeping score? Why are we so afraid that little Timmy and Tommy won’t be able to bear a brutal beatdown by another, better team?
Interestingly enough, since the time my boys were three years old, they’ve been asking after the game what the score is. They want to know. They want to learn. They want to prove themselves strong enough.
This desire for males to prove themselves worthy doesn’t end when we’re children. But every time society says we don’t need to keep score, let’s give participation trophies to every child, and let’s do everyth
ing we can to ensure that our children don’t have to push themselves, we rob them of the opportunity to develop the strength they need to endure all the real world has to offer as they become men.
The natural result is men who are incapable of coping and dealing with the difficulties I mentioned above: bankruptcy, divorce, layoffs, disease, disability, etc. Take a look at suicide rates, for example. Some studies suggest that suicide rates among men are as much as three times higher than those of women. Most would have you believe it’s because we’ve been telling men to “man up” for too long, but I’d suggest it’s because we haven’t been equipping ourselves with the mental fortitude, emotional resiliency, and physical strength needed not only to survive but to thrive.
INOCULATION
In 2005, I found myself preparing to leave on a deployment to Iraq. Among the list of preparations was a series of shots we were given to keep us safe from any disease we might experience through either being in a new environment or biological warfare.
Among these shots was the smallpox vaccine. The smallpox vaccine (and many others) is considered a “live virus” vaccine. I remember receiving my vaccine. A medic pulled a sizable needle from his kit and stabbed my left shoulder. Once inserted into my arm, the needle was rotated several times in a circular pattern. This was repeated three times.
The reason for this process is that a virus (similar to smallpox but less harmful) was being introduced to my body. The introduction of a live virus is designed to help the body develop an immunity to smallpox. For the first couple of days, I experienced headaches, nausea, and swollen lymph nodes (especially in my armpits). Eventually these symptoms subsided as my body developed the ability to resist and fight the virus. Now, I am immune to smallpox.
As painful and unenjoyable as that process was for me, it’s incredible that the body has the ability to develop the resources required to fight disease. But that’s not all the body can do. The body can inoculate itself against a variety of conditions we’re all likely to experience: heartbreak, heartache, failure, rejection, setback, injury, depression, etc. One simply needs to introduce the “virus” and watch the body, mind, and heart do what it does best.
See, most of us spend our entire lives running from anything that could potentially pose a threat. It’s understandable. At the core of the human condition is a burning desire to stay alive. But here’s the deal: most of what scares you isn’t going to kill you. It’s simply going to make you uncomfortable for a while until that stressor—in whatever form—becomes the new standard by which you judge other difficulties.
ADVERSITY IS YOUR ALLY
For this reason, and in order to develop the mental fortitude, emotional resiliency, and physical strength required to recapture and maintain your sovereignty, I would have you consider running toward adversity as opposed to away from it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that you run toward danger, but rather you run toward discomfort. Anything good that has ever come into my life has been the direct result of some level of discomfort. It’s been said that nothing worth having comes easy.
Just as I experienced the painful symptoms of my inoculation against smallpox, a man must experience the pain and uneasiness that come from embracing what scares him most. It’s part of the process.
To illustrate the point, consider the blacksmithing forging process. A piece of raw metal is introduced to fire. The fire burns hot enough that the metal becomes soft and pliable, at which point it is pulled from the fire. Once pulled from the fire, the raw metal is hammered, twisted, chiseled, and formed into the resemblance of the desired shape. This process is repeated over and over again until the blacksmith has his roughly finished piece.
Next, a series of wheels, stones, files, and wire brushes, along with yet another heat treatment, is used to finalize the piece and ensure the master has achieved the desired hardness of the newly forged metal.
As the blacksmith forges raw metal in the refining fire, you must also jump into the refining fire of life by deliberately placing yourself in challenging situations. This is the only way to become stronger mentally, emotionally, and physically.
MENTAL FORTITUDE
At the crux of a man’s strength is his ability to fortify his mind. Everything we have and everything we are in life is formed first in the mind. In order to see what you’re fully capable of, you’re going to have to put your assumptions about how tough you are to the test.
To draw upon my experience in participating in the Spartan Agoge once again, the physical pain I experienced as my soles were separating from my feet was insignificant compared to the internal battle that was being waged in my mind.
I remember one instance in particular. We were roughly twenty-six hours into the sixty-hour ordeal and had just been awakened by Spartan founder Joe De Sena after a measly hour and a half of rest. Upon jolting us from our desperately desired sleep, Joe had us form a circle. Once the circle was complete, Joe demanded that we give him a hundred burpees if we wanted to stay in the event.
“A hundred burpees?” I thought. “There’s no way I can do this!”
“Ready, begin!” Joe barked.
We got to twenty burpees before Joe interrupted, “No! You’re doing them wrong. Start over!”
Again we started and again, after twenty burpees, Joe yelled, “No! You’re not doing them together as a team. Start over!”
“Shit!” I thought. “It’s okay, you got this,” I desperately tried to convince myself over the sound of the participant next to me puking his guts out.
Eventually, we managed to get our hundred burpees in. It wasn’t pretty, but it was done. What had seemed impossible in my mind just a few minutes earlier was not impossible after all but simply a mental barrier my mind had fabricated to keep me comfortable.
After we completed our burpees, Joe had a proposition for us. From the center of the circle, he said, “If you’d like to quit now, no one will think less of you. Everyone here will wish you on your way. Hopefully, you got what you came for and have grown from this experience. However …,” he continued, “if you decide to stay and commit to seeing this through, from this point on, if just one person quits, no one here finishes the event.”
That was a difficult decision to make. On one hand, I was in pain. I felt as if I was in over my head and this was the perfect opportunity for me to bail. On the other hand, I had committed to seeing this thing through. I had told our Facebook group of roughly thirty thousand men that I would hit sixty hours. More compelling than that was the text I received from my wife just before starting the event. She had sent me a picture of my children, who had made signs that read, “Go Dad! We know you can do it. See you in 60 hours.”
No way in hell was I quitting. They were going to have to drag me off that field before I threw in the towel. After committing to myself and the team that I would finish, things became easier. It was hard, no doubt, but mentally I had removed any backup plan, any plan B, any escape route. I had burned the ships, so to speak.
That sixty hours in the mountains of Vermont changed me. It challenged my previously held beliefs and the scripts I had been playing over and over in my mind.
“Ryan, you can’t do this.”
“You’re not good enough.”
“You’re not strong enough.”
Bullshit. I had proved to myself that I was, in fact, capable of more than I had ever given myself credit for. There was no denying it. It was done.
And therein lies the power of deliberately placing yourself in mentally challenging positions, of testing yourself. You’ve been telling yourself stories about how strong you are mentally. But the fact is you don’t really know. You can’t know until you’re willing to step up to the plate and see how far you really can go.
Developing mental fortitude cannot be done with your nose in a book. It cannot be dreamed about or imagined. It cannot be wished for, hoped for, or prayed for. It cannot be vicariously lived through others. The only way to fortify the mi
nd is to place it under stress, heat, and duress—like the refiner’s fire.
EMOTIONAL RESILIENCY
Equally important to mental fortitude is emotional resiliency. Look, life is tough. You’re going to lose. You’re going to fail. People are going treat you unfairly. At times, you’re going to be dealt an unfair hand. These situations are hard enough as it is, but when compounded with a lack of emotional intelligence, understanding, and restraint, you’re all but guaranteed to fail.
It’s critical you understand that the world is not against you. It’s not necessarily for you, either. It just … is. Wrapping your head around the notion that the world (or the universe or any other way you choose to define it) is neutral and that relatively few people care about you either way gives you the foundational understanding needed to treat emotions for what they are: indicators.
That’s right, emotions are simply a metric for what is happening in your life. Just as the gauges on the dashboard of your vehicle indicate how fast you’re going, how far you’ve gone, and how warm your engine is, emotions indicate what’s working well, what’s not working, and where some things are off in your life.
When you give emotions more credit than they deserve, you unwittingly relinquish the control you have to choose your own path. You would never blame your odometer for how fast or slow you’re driving. You’d place the burden of responsibility on yourself for how hard you’re pressing on the gas pedal. You would never blame your fuel level indicator for running out of gas. You would blame yourself for overlooking the importance of filling up the gas tank.
When you allow your emotions to get the better of you because someone flipped you off as you were driving or you started feeling sorry for yourself because your boss doesn’t like you, you’re blaming the symptom (anger, greed, resentment, bitterness, etc.) for the root cause of the problem. In this case, it could simply be that you drive like an asshole and you aren’t as productive at work as you think you are.
