SQUEEZUM. You shall, my dear; and I shall be obliged to you, if you can let me have the coach this morning.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I shall use it myself.
SQUEEZUM. Then I must get horses put into the chariot.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I am not determined whether I shall use the coach or chariot; so it is impossible you should have either. Besides, a hack is the properesl to do business in; and as I cannot spare you a servant, will look better.
SQUEEZUM. Well, child, well, it shall be so. — Let me only beg the favour of dining a little sooner than ordinary.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. That is so far from being possible, that we cannot dine till an hour later than usual, because I must attend an auction, or I shall lose a little china bason which is worth its weight in jewels, and it is probable I may get it for its weight in gold, which will not be above one hundred guineas; and those you must give me, child.
SQUEEZUM. A hundred guineas for a china bason! Oh, the devil take the East India trade! The clay of the one Indies runs away with all the gold of the other.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I may buy it for less; but it is good to have rather too much money about one, than too little.
SQUEEZUM. In short, I cannot support your extravagance.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I do not desire you to support my extravagance.
SQUEEZUM. I wish you would not.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Thus stands the case: you say I am extravagant; I say I am not: sure, my word will balance yours every where but at Hicks’s Hall. — And harkye, my dear; if, whenever I ask for a trifle, you object my extravagance to me, I’ll be revenged; I’ll blow you up, I’ll discover all your midnight intrigues, your protecting ill houses, your bribing juries, your snacking fees, your whole train of rogueries. If you do not allow me what I ask, I’ll bid fair to enter on my jointure, sir.
SQUEEZUM. Well, my dear, this time you shall be indulged. — Trust a thief or lawyer with your purse, a whore or physician with your constitution, but never trust a dangerous secret with your wife; for, when once you have put it into her power to hang you, the sooner you are hanged the better. [Aside.
SCENE IV.
SQUEEZUM, QUILL, MRS. SQUEEZUM, STAFF, WATCH, RAMBLE, HILARET.
STAFF. An’t please your worship, here is a gentleman hath committed a rape last night on this young woman.
SQUEEZUM. HOW! a rape! Hath he committed a rape on you, child?
MRS. SQUEEZUM. This may be worth hearing. [Aside.
HILARET. Sir, I have nothing to say against him. I desire you would give us both our liberty. He was a little frolicsome last night, which made me call for these peoples’ help; and when once they had taken hold of us, they would not suffer us to go away.
SQUEEZUM. They did their duty. The power of discharging lieth in us, and not in them.
RAMBLE. Sir.
SQUEEZUM. Sir, I beg we may not be interrupted. Harkye, young woman, if this gentleman hath treated you in an ill manner, do not let your modesty prevent the execution of justice. Consider, you will be guilty yourself of the next offence he commits; and upon my word, by his looks, it is probable he may commit a dozen rapes within this week.
HILARET. I assure you he is innocent.
SQUEEZUM. Mr. Staff, what say you to this affair?
STAFF. May it please your worship, I saw the prisoner behave in a very indecent manner, and heard the woman say he had ravished away her senses.
SQUEEZUM. Fie upon you, child, will you not swear this?
HILARET. No, sir; but I shall swear something against you, unless you discharge us.
SQUEEZUM. That cannot be, madam; the fact is too plain. If you will not swear now, the prisoner must be kept in custody till you will.
STAFF. If she will not swear, we can swear enough to convict him.
RAMBLE. Very fine, faith! This justice is worse than a grand inquisitor. Pray, honest, formidable sir, what private pique have you against me, that you would compel the lady to deserve the pillory, in order to promote me higher?
SQUEEZUM. My dear, did you ever see such a ravishing look as this fellow hath? Sir, if I was a judge, I would hang you without any evidence at all. They are such fellows as these who sow dissension between man and wife, and keep up the names of cuckold and bastard in the kingdom.
RAMBLE. Nay, if that be all you accuse me of, I will confess it freely, I have employed my time pretty well. Though as I do not remember ever to have done you the honour of dubbing, Mr. Justice, I cannot see why you should be so incensed against me; for I do not imagine you any otherwise an enemy to these amusements than a popish priest to sin, or a doctor to disease.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. You are very civil, sir, to threaten to dub my husband before my face.
RAMBLE. I ask pardon, madam; I did not know with whom I had the honour to be in company: it was always against my inclination to affront a lady; but a woman of your particular merit must have claimed the most particular respect.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I should have expected no rudeness from a gentleman of your appearance, and would much rather attribute any misbecoming word to inadvertency than to design.
RAMBLE. Madam, I know not how to thank so much goodness; but do assure you, I would buy an introduction to your acquaintance at a much greater danger than this prosecution, which, I believe, you already see the malice of. I hope, madam, I stand already acquitted in your opinion.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I hope, sir, it will only appear to have been a frolic: I must own I have been always a great enemy to force — since there are so many willing.
RAMBLE. So, I find there is no danger of a rape here. [Aside.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Well, child, can you find any thing against this gentleman?
SQUEEZUM. The woman is difficult of confessing in public: but I fancy when I examine her in private, I may get it out of her. — So, Mr. Constable, withdraw your prisoner.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Nay, he appears so much of a gentleman, that till there be stronger evidence, I will take charge of him. Come, sir, you shall go drink a dish of tea with me. — You may stay without. [To the Constable, &c.
RAMBLE. This kindness of yours, madam, will be an encouragement to offenders.
SCENE V.
SQUEEZUM, HILARET.
SQUEEZUM. Come, come, child, you had better take the oath, though you are not altogether so sure. Justice should be rigorous. It is better for the public that ten innocent people should suffer, than that one guilty should escapc: and it becomes every good person to sacrifice their conscience to the benefit of the public.
HILARET. Would you persuade me to perjure myself?
SQUEEZUM. By no means. Not for the world. Perjury indeed! Do you think I do not know what perjury is better than you? He did attempt to ravish you, you own; very well. He that attempts to do you an injury, hath done it in his heart. Besides, a woman may be ravished, ay, and many a woman hath been ravished, ay, and men been hanged for it — when she hath not certainly known she hath been ravished.
HILARET. You are a great casuist in conscience. But you may spare yourself any further trouble: for I assure you it will be in vain.
SQUEEZUM. I see where your hesitation hangs; you are afraid of spoiling your trade. — You think severity to a customer will keep people from your house. — Pray, answer me one question — How long have you been upon the town?
HILARET. What do you mean?
SQUEEZUM. Come, come, I see you are but a novice, and I like you the better: for yours is the only business wherein people do not profit by experience. — You are very handsome — It is a pity you should continue in this abandoned state. — Give me a kiss; — Nay, be not coy to me. I protest, you are as full of beauty as the rose is of sweetness, and I of love as its stalk is full of briars — Oh! that we were as closely joined together too.
HILARET. Why, you will commit a rape yourself, Mr. Justice.
SQUEEZUM. If I thought you would prove constant, I would take you into keeping: for I have not liked a woman so much these many years.
HILARET. I will humour this
old villain, I am resolved. [Aside.
SQUEEZUM. What think you, could you be constant to a vigorous, healthy, middle-aged man, hey! — Could this buy thy affections off from a set of idle rascals, who carry their gold upon their backs, and have pockets as empty as their heads? Fellows who are greater curses on a woman than the vapours; for as those persuade her into imaginary diseases, these present her with real. Let thy silence give consent: here, take this purse as an earnest of what I’ll do for you.
HILARET. Well, and what shall I do for this?
SQUEEZUM. You shall do — You shall do nothing; I will do. I will be a verb active, and you shall be a verb passive.
HILARET. I wish you be not of the neuter gender.
SQUEEZUM. Why you little arch rogue, do you understand Latin, hussy?
HILARET. A little, sir! My father was a country parson, and gave all his children a good education. He taught his daughters to write and read himself.
SQUEEZUM. What, have you sisters, then?
HILARET. Alack-a-day, sir! sixteen of us, and all in the same way of business.
SQUEEZUM. Ay, this it is to teach daughters to write. I would as soon put a sword into the hands of a madman, as a pen into those of a woman; for a pen in the hand of a woman is as sure an instrument of propagation, as a sword in that of a madman is of destruction. [Aside.] — Sure, my dear, the spirit of love must run very strongly in the blood of your whole family.
HILARET. Oh, sir, it was a villainous man of war that harboured near us. — My poor sisters were ruined by the officers, and I fell a martyr to the chaplain.
SQUEEZUM. Ay, ay, the sailors are as fatal to our women as the soldiers are. One Venus rose from the sea, and thousands have set in it — But not Venus herself could compare to thee, my little honeysuckle.
HILARET. Be not so hot, sir.
SQUEEZUM. Bid the touchwood be cold behind the burning-glass. The touchwood is not more easily kindled by the sun, than I by your dear eyes.
HILARET. The touchwood is not drier, I dare swear.
SQUEEZUM. But hark, I hear my wife returning. — Leave word with my clerk where I shall send to you — I will be the kindest of keepers, very constant, and very liberal. —
HILARET. Two charming qualities in a lover!
SQUEEZUM. My pretty nosegay, you will find me vastly preferable to idle young rakehells. Besides, you are safe with me. You are as safe with a justice in England, as a priest abroad; gravity is the best cloak for sin in all countries. — Be sure to be punctual to the time I shall appoint you.
HILARET. Be not afraid of me.
SQUEEZUM. Adieu, my pretty charmer. I shall burn with impatience.
SCENE VI.
SQUEEZUM. [Solus.] Go thy way for a charming girl! Now if I can get her at this wild fellow’s expense, I shall have performed the part of a shrewd justice; for I would make others pay for my sins as well as their own. I fancy my wife hath sufficiently frightened him by this, and that he will truckle to any terms to be acquitted; for I must own she will pump a man much better than I. Oh! here they come. I must deal with my gentleman now in another style.
SCENE VII.
SQUEEZUM, Mrs. SQUEEZUM, RAMBLE.
RAMBLE. Well, sir, is the lady determined to swear stoutly?
SQUEEZUM. Truly, it is hard to say what she determines; she’s gone to ask the advice of a divine and a lawyer.
RAMBLE. Then the odds are against me: for the lawyer will certainly advise her to swear; and it is possible the priest may not contradict her in it.
SQUEEZUM. It is indeed a ticklish point, and it were advisable to make it up as soon as possible. The first loss is always the least. It is better to wet your coat than your skin, and to run home when the clouds begin to drop, than in the middle of the storm. In short, it were better to give a brace of hundred pounds to make up the matter now than to venture the consequence. I am heartily concerned to see gentlemen in such a misfortune. I am sorry the age is so corrupt. Really I expect to see some grievous and heavy judgment fall on the nation. We are as bad as ever Sodom and Gomorrah were; and I wish we may not be as miserable.
RAMBLE. Hark’ee justice; I take a sermon to be the first punishment which a man undergoes after conviction. It is very hard I must be condemned to it beforehand.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Nay, sir. I am sure Mr. Squeezum speaks for your good. (I shall get a necklace out of this affair.) — [Aside.
SQUEEZUM. Ay, that I am sure I do: my interest sways not one way or the other. — I would, were I in that gentleman’s circumstances, do what I advise him to.
RAMBLE. Faith, sir, that I must doubt: for, were you in my circumstances, you would not be worth the money.
SQUEEZUM. Nay, sir, now you jest with me; a gentleman can never be at a loss for such a trifle.
RAMBLE. Faith, sir, you mistake. I know a great many gentlemen not worth three farthings. He that resolves to be honest cannot resolve not to be poor.
SQUEEZUM. A gentleman, and poor; sir, they are contradictions. A man may as well be a scholar without learning, as a gentleman without riches. But I have no time to dally with you. If you do not understand good usage, while it is dealt you, you may when you feel the reverse. The affair may now be made up for a trifle; the time may come when your whole fortune would be too little. — An hour’s delay in the making up an offence is as dangerous as in the sewing up of a wound.
RAMBLE. Well, you have over-persuaded me; I’ll take your advice.
SQUEEZUM. I’ll engage you will not repent it — I don’t question but you will regard me as your friend.
RAMBLE. That I do indeed. And to give you the most substantial instance of it I’ll ask a favour, which is expected only from the most intimate friendship — which is, that you will be so kind to lend the money.
SQUEEZUM. Alack-a-day, sir, I have not such a sum in my command. Besides, how must it look in me, who am an officer of justice, to lend a culprit money wherewith to evade justice! Alas, sir, we must consider our characters in life, we must act up to our characters: and though I deviate a little from mine, in giving you advice, it would be entirely forsaking the character of a justice to give you money.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I wonder how you could ask it.
RAMBLE. Necessity obliges to any thing, madam. Mr. Squeezum was so kind to show me the necessity of giving money, and my pockets were be cruel to show me the impossibility of it.
SQUEEZUM. Well, sir, if you cannot pay for your transgressions like the rich, you must suffer for them like the poor. Here, Constable!
SCENE VIII.
SQUEEZUM. MRS. SQUEEZUM, RAMBLE, STAFF, CONSTABLES.
SQUEEZUM. Take away your prisoner; keep him in safe custody till further orders. If you come to a wiser resolution within these two hours, send me word: after that it will be too late.
RAMBLE. Hark’ee, Mr. Justice, you had better use me as you ought, and acquit me: for, if you do any thing which you cannot defend, hang me if I am not revenged on you.
SQUEEZUM. Hang you! — I wish there may not be more meaning in those words than you imagine.
RAMBLE. ‘Sdeath! you old rascal, I can scarce forbear rattling those old dry bones of thine till they crack thy withered skin.
SQUEEZUM. Bear evidence of this; I am threatened in the execution of my office.
RAMBLE. Come, honest Mr. Constable, Mr. Nocturnal Justice, let me go any where from this fellow — The night hath chosen a better justice than the day.
SCENE IX.
SQUEEZUM, MRS. SQUEEZUM.
SQUEEZUM. I am afraid I shall make nothing of this fellow at last. I have a mind to discharge him.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Oh! by no means; for I am sure he hath money.
SQUEEZUM. Yes, and so am I. But suppose he will not part with it; it is impossible to take it from him: for there is no law yet in being to screen a justice of peace from a downright robbery.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. Try him a little longer, however.
SQUEEZUM. I will till the afternoon; but, if he should not consent by that tim
e, I must discharge him; for I have no hopes in the woman’s swearing. She is discharged already.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I’ll make him a visit at the constable’s house, and try if I can alarm him into a composition. I may make him do more than you imagine.
SQUEEZUM. Do so, my dear — I doubt not your power — Good-morrow, honey.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. But, my dear, pray remember the hundred guineas.
SQUEEZUM. Yes, yes, I shall remember them; they are not likely to be soon forgotten. — Follow me to my escritoire.
SCENE X.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 260
