SOTMORE. ‘Tis pity the generous liquor should be used to no better a purpose.
RAMBLE. It is the noblest use of the grape, and the greatest glory of Bacchus is to be page to Venus.
SOTMORE. Before I go into a tavern again with a man who will sneak away after the first bottle, may I be cursed with the odious sight of a pint as long as I live: or become member of a city elub, where men drink out of thimbles, that the fancy may be heightened by the wine, about the same time that the understanding is improved by the conversation: I’ll sooner drink coffee with a politician, tea with a fine lady, or ‘rack punch with a fine gentleman, than thus be made a whetstone of, to sharpen my friends’ inclinations, that some little strumpet may enjoy the benefit of that good humour which I have raised.
RAMBLE. Why, thou art as ill-natured and as angry as a woman would be who was disappointed in the last moment, when her expectations were at the highest.
SOTMORE. And have I not the same cause?
RAMBLE. Truly, honest Nol, when a man’s reason begins to stagger I think him the properest company for the women: one bottle more, and I had been fit for no company at all.
SOTMORE. Then thou hadst been carried off with glory. — An honest fellow should no more quit the tavern while he can stand than a soldier should the field; but you fine gentlemen are for preserving yourselves safe from both for the benefit of the ladies. ‘Sdeath! I’ll use you with the same scorn that a soldier would a coward: so, sir, when I meet you next, be not surprised if I walk on the other side the way.
RAMBLE. Nay, pr’ythee, dear Silenus, be not so enraged; I’ll but take one refreshing turn, and come back to the tavern to thee. Burgundy shall be the word, and I will fight under thy command till I drop.
SOTMORE. Now thou art an honest fellow — and thou shalt toast whomsoever thou pleasest — We’ll bumper up her health, till thou dost enjoy her in imagination. To a warm imagination there is no bawd like a bottle. It shall throw into your arms the soberest prude or wildest coquette in town; thou shalt rifle her charms in spite of her art. Nay, thou shalt increase her charms more than her art: and, when thou art surfeited with the luscious pleasure, wake coolly the next morning without any wife by your side, or any fear of children.
RAMBLE. What a luscious picture hast thou drawn!
SOTMORE. And thou shalt have it, boy! Thou shalt triumph over her virtue, if she be a woman of quality — or raise her blushes, if she be a common strumpet. I’ll go order a new recruit upon the table, and expect you with impatience. — “Fill every glass.” [Sings.] — [Exit Sotmore.
SCENE VIII.
RAMBLE. [Solus.] Sure this fellow’s whole sensation lies in his throat: for he is never pleased but when he is swallowing: and yet the hogshead will be as soon drunk with the liquor it contains as he. I wish it had no other effect upon me. Pox of my paper skull! I have no sooner buried the wine in my belly than its spirit rises in my head. I am in a very proper humour for a frolic; if my good genius, and her evil one, would but send some lovely female in my way — Ha! the devil hath heard my prayers.
SCENE IX.
RAMBLE, HILARET.
HILARET. Was ever any tiling so unfortunate! to lose this wench in the scuffle, and not know a step of the way — What shall I do?
RAMBLE. By all my love of glory, an adventure.
HILARET. Ha! who’s that? who are you, sir?
RAMBLE. A cavalier, madam, a knight-errant rambling about the world in quest of adventures. To plunder widows and ravish virgins; to lessen the number of bullies, and increase that of cuckolds, are the obligations of my profession.
HILARET. I wish you all the success so worthy an adventurer deserves. [Going.
RAMBLE. But hold, madam, I am but just sallied, and you are the first adventure I have met with. [Takes hold of her.
HILARET. Let me go, I beseech you, sir; I will have nothing to say to any of your profession.
RAMBLE. That’s unkind, madam: for, as I take it, our professions are pretty near allied, and, like priest and nun, we are proper company for one another.
HILARET. My profession, sir!
RAMBLE. Yes, madam, I believe I am no stranger to the honourable rules of your order. Nay, ‘tis probable I may know your abbess too; for, though I have not been in town a week, I am acquainted with half a dozen.
HILARET. Nothing but your drink, sir, and ignorance of my quality, could excuse this rudeness.
RAMBLE. Whu — [whistles]. Ignorance of your quality! (The daughter of some person of rank, I warrant her.) [Aside.] Look’ee my dear, I shall not trouble myself with your quality: It is equal to me whether your father rode in a coach and six, or drove it. I have had as much joy in the arms of an honest boatswain’s wife, as with a relation of the Great Mogul.
HILARET. You look, sir, so much like a gentleman, that I am persuaded this usage proceeds only from your mistaking me. I own it looks a little odd for a woman of virtue to be found alone in the street, at this hour —
RAMBLE. Yes, it does look a little odd indeed. [Aside.
HILARET. But when you know my story, I am confident you will assist me, rather than otherwise. I have this very night escaped with my maid from my father’s house; and, as I was going to put myself into the hands of my lover, a scuffle happening in the street, and both running away in a fright to avoid it, we unluckily separated from each other. Now, sir, I rely on the generosity of your temper to assist an unhappy woman; for which you shall not only have my thanks, but those of a very pretty fellow into the bargain.
RAMBLE. I am that very pretty fellow’s very humble servant. But I find I am too much in love with you myself, to preserve you for another: had you proved what I at first took you for, I should have parted with you easily; but I read a coronet in your eyes; (she shall be her grace if she pleases, I had rather give her a title than money). [Aside.
HILARET. Nay, now you mistake me as widely as you did at first.
RAMBLE. Nay, by this frolic, madam, you must be either a woman of quality, or a woman of the town. Your low, mean people, who govern themselves by rules, dare not attempt these noble flights of pleasure. Flights only to be reached by those who boldly soar above reputation.
HILARET. This is the maddest fellow. [Aside.
RAMBLE. So, my dear, whether you be of quality or no quality, you and I will go drink one bottle together at the next tavern.
HILARET. I have but one way to get rid of him. [Aside.
RAMBLE. Come, my dear angel. Oh! this dear soft hand.
HILARET. Could I but be assured that my virtue would be safe.
RAMBLE. No where safer. I’ll give thee any thing in pawn for it — (but my watch). [Aside.
HILARET. And then my reputation —
RAMBLE. The night will take care of that — virtue and reputation! These whores have learnt a strange cant since I left England. [Aside.
HILARET. But will you love me always?
RAMBLE. Oh! for ever and ever, to be sure.
HILARET. But will you — too.
RAMBLE. Yes, I will — too.
HILARET. Will you promise to be civil?
RAMBLE. Oh! yes, yes; (I was afraid she would have asked me for money). [Aside.
HILARET. Well, then I will venture. — Go you to that corner tavern, I’ll follow you.
RAMBLE. Excuse me, madam, I know my duty better — so, if you please, I’ll follow you.
HILARET. I insist on your going first.
RAMBLE. And so you’ll leave me in the lurch: I see you are frighted at the roughness of my dress, but, fore gad, I am an honest tar, and the devil take me if I bilk you.
HILARET. I don’t understand you.
RAMBLE. Why, then, madam, here is a pound of as good tea as ever came out of the Indies; you understand that, I hope.
HILARET. I shall take no bribes, sir.
RAMBLE. Refuse the tea! I like you now indeed; for you cannot have been long upon the town, I’m sure. But I grow weary with impatience. If you are a modest woman, and insist on the
ceremony of being carried, with all my heart.
HILARET. Nay, sir, do not proceed to rudeness.
RAMBLE. In short, my passion will be dallied with no longer. Do you consider I am just come on shore, that I have seen nothing but men and the clouds this half year, and a woman is as ravishing a sight to me as the returning sun to Greenland. I am none of your puisny beaus, that can look on a fine woman, like a surfeited man on an entertainment. My stomach’s sharp, and yon are an ortolan; and, if I do not eat you up, may salt beef be my fare for ever! [Takes her in his arms.
HILARET. I’ll alarm the watch.
RAMBLE. You’ll be better-natured than that. At least, to encounter danger is my profession; so have at you, my little Venus — if you don’t consent, I’ll ravish you.
HILARET. Help there! a rape, a rape!
RAMBLE. Hush, hush, you call too loud, people will think you are in earnest.
HILARET. Help! — a rape!
SCENE X.
RAMBLE, HILARET, STAFF, WATCH.
STAFF. That’s he there, seize him.
RAMBLE. Stand off, ye scoundrels!
STAFF. Ay, sir, you should have stood off — Do you charge this man with a rape, madam?
HILARET. I am frighted out of my senses —
STAFF. A plain case! — The rape is sufficiently proved. — What, was the devil in you, to ravish a woman in the street thus?
HILARET. Oh! dear Mr. Constable, all I desire is, that you would see me safe home.
STAFF. Never fear, madam, you shall not want evidence. [Aside to her.
RAMBLE. (Nay, if I must lodge with these gentlemen, I am resolved to have your company, madam.) Mr. Constable, I charge that lady with threatening to swear a rape against me, and laying violent hands upon my person, whilst I was inoffensively walking along the street.
HILARET. How! villain!
RAMBLE. Ay, ay, madam, you shall be made a severe example of. The laws are come to a fine pass truly, when a sober gentleman can’t walk the streets for women.
HILARET. For Heaven’s sake, sir, don’t believe him.
STAFF. Nay, madam, as we have but your bare affirmation on both sides, we cannot tell which way to incline our belief; that will be determined in the morning by your characters — I would not have you dejected, you shall not want a character. [Aside to her.
HILARET. This was the most unfortunate accident, sure, that ever befell a woman of virtue.
STAFF. If you are a woman of virtue, the gentleman will be hanged for attempting to rob you of it. If you are not a woman of virtue, why you will be whipped for accusing a gentleman of robbing you of what you had not to lose.
HILARET. Oh! this unfortunate fright — But, Mr. Constable, I am very willing that the gentleman should have his liberty, give me but mine?
STAFF. That request, madam, is a very corroborating circumstance against you.
RAMBLE. Guilt will ever discover itself.
STAFF. Bring them along.
1 WATCH. She looks like a modest woman, in my opinion.
RAMBLE. Confound all your modest women, I say, — a man can have nothing to do with a modest woman, but he must be married, or hanged for’t. [Exeunt.
ACT II.
SCENE I.
JUSTICE SQUEEZUM’S; a table, pen, ink, paper, &c.
SQUEEZUM, QUILL.
SQUEEZUM. Did Mother Bilkum refuse to pay my demands, say you?
QUILL. Yes, sir; she says she does not value your worship’s protection of a farthing, for that she can bribe two juries a year to acquit her in Hicks’s Hall, for half the money which she hath paid you within these three months.
SQUEEZUM. Very fine; I shall show her that I understand something of juries, as well as herself. Quill, make a memorandum against Mother Bilkum’s trial, that we may remember to have the panel No. 3; they are a set of good men and true, and hearken to no evidence but mine.
QUILL. Sir, Mr. Snap, the bailiff’s follower, hath set up a shop, and is a freeholder. He hopes your worship will put him into a pannel on the first vacancy.
SQUEEZUM. Minute him down for No. 2. I think half of that pannel are bailiff’s followers. Thank Heaven, the laws have not excluded those butchers.
QUILL. No, sir, the law forbids butchers to be jurymen, but does not forbid jurymen to be butchers.
SQUEEZUM. Quill, d’ye hear! Look out for some new recruits for the pannel No. 1. We shall have a swinging vacancy there the next sessions. — Truly, if we do not take some care to regulate the juries in the Old Bailey, we shall have no juries for Hicks’s Hall.
QUILL. Very true, sir. But that pannel hath been more particularly unfortunate. I believe I remember it hanged, at least twice over.
SQUEEZUM. Ay, poor fellows! We must all take our chance, Quill. The man who would live in this world must not fear the next. The chance of peace is doubtful as that of war; and they who will make their fortunes at home, should entertain no more dread of the bench, than a soldier should of the field. We are all militant here; and a halter hath been fatal to many a great man, as well as a bullet.
SCENE II.
SQUEEZUM, QUILL, STAFF.
QUILL. Sir, here’s Mr. Staff, the reforming constable.
STAFF. An’t please your worship, we have been at the gaming-house in the alley, and have taken six prisoners, whereof we discharged two who had your worship’s licence.
SQUEEZUM. What are the others?
STAFF. One is a half-pay officer; another an attorney’s clerk; and the other two are young gentlemen of the Temple.
SQUEEZUM. Discharge the officer and the clerk; there is nothing to be got by the army or the law: the one hath no money, and the other will part with none. But be not too forward to quit the Templars.
STAFF. Asking your worship’s pardon, I don’t care to run my finger into the lion’s mouth. I would not willingly have to do with any limb of the law.
SQUEEZUM. Fear not; these bear no nearer affinity to lawyers than a militia regiment of squires do to soldiers; the one gets no more by his gown than the other by his sword. These are men that bring estates to the Temple, instead of getting them there.
STAFF. Nay, they are bedaubed with lace as fine as lords.
SQUEEZUM. Never fear a lawyer in lace. The lawyer that sets out in lace always ends in rags.
STAFF. I’ll secure them. — We went to the house where your worship commanded us, and heard the dice in the street; but there were two coaches with coronets on them at the door, so we thought it proper not to go in.
SQUEEZUM. You did right. The laws are turnpikes, only made to stop people who walk on foot, and not to interrupt those who drive through them in their coaches. The laws are like a game at loo, where a blaze of court cards is always secure, and the knaves are the safest cards in the pack.
STAFF. We have taken up a man for rape too.
SQUEEZUM. What is he?
STAFF. I fancy he’s some great man; for he talks French, sings Italian, and swears English.
SQUEEZUM. Is he rich?
STAFF. I believe not, for we can’t get a farthing out of him.
SQUEEZUM. A certain sign that he is. Deep pockets are like deep streams; and money, like water, never runs faster than in the shallows.
STAFF. Then there’s another misfortune too.
SQUEEZUM. What’s that?
STAFF. The woman will not swear any thing against him.
SQUEEZUM. Never fear that; I’ll make her swear enough for my purpose. What sort of woman is she?
STAFF. A common whore, I believe.
SQUEEZUM. The properest person in the world to swear a rape. A modest woman is as shy of swearing a rape, as a gentleman is of swearing a battery. We will make her swear enough to frighten him into a composition, a small part of which will satisfy the woman. So go bring them before me. — But hold! have you been at home since I sent a prisoner thither this morning?
STAFF. Yes, an’t please your worship.
SQUEEZUM. And what says he?
STAFF. He threatens us c
onfoundedly; and says you have committed him without any accusation. I’m afraid we shall get nothing out of him.
SQUEEZUM. We’ll try him till noon, however.
SCENE III.
SQUEEZUM, MRS. SQUEEZUM.
MRS. SQUEEZUM. I desire, Mr. Squeezum, you would finish all your dirty work this morning; for I am resolved to have the house to myself in the afternoon.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 259
