CLARINDA. I hope I should have fondness for a fellow I would make a husband of.
LADY RAFFLER. Child, you shock me!
CLARINDA. Why, pray, madam, had you no fondness for Sir Simon?
LADY RAFFLER. No, I defy the world to say it.
CLARINDA. How came you to marry him then?
LADY RAFFLER. Out of obedience to my father; he thought it a proper match.
CLARINDA. And ought not a woman to be fond of a man after she is married to him?
LADY RAFFLER. No, she ought to have friendship and esteem, but no fondness, it is a nauseous word, and I detest it. A woman must have vile inclinations before she can bring herself to think of it.
CLARINDA. NOW, I am resolved never to marry any man whom I have not these vile inclinations for.
LADY RAFFLER. O, monstrous!
CLARINDA. Whom do I not love to such distraction as to place my whole happiness in pleasing him, to which I would give my thoughts up so entirely, that on my ever losing that power, I should become indifferent to every thing else.
LADY RAFFLER. Infamous! I desire you would prepare to return into the country immediately. For I will not live in the house with you any longer: but I will inform you of one thing, that the man you have placed this violent affection on, is a villain, and has designs on your aunt.
CLARINDA. What, on your ladyship?
LADY RAFFLER. On me! on me! me! — I- wish I could see the man that dared — I thank Heaven, the awe of my virtue has still protected me.
CLARINDA. I ask your pardon, madam, on the good Colonel’s lady then — That there have been designs between them. I am not ignorant, though I am not quite so confident they are on his side — and to say the truth, my aunt is an agreeable woman, and I don’t expect a man of his years to be proof against all temptations. But pray, whom do you mean? for I lud, who I am defending I know not — somebody — who is it that your ladyship means, for I am sure I should not know him by the marks you set on him?
LADY RAFFLER. Oh! madam, you seem to want no marks, I think; but if you have a mind to hear his name, ‘Tis Gaylove.
CLARINDA. Mr. Gaylove!
LADY RAFFLER. Mr. Gaylove! yes, Mr. Gaylove — I’ll repeat it to you to oblige you.
CLARINDA. What’s Mr. Gaylove to me?
LADY RAFFLER. That you know best — I believe he is. or will be to you, what he should not be.
CLARINDA. If I had any affection for him, I should neither be afraid of his designs upon me, nor jealous of his designs on any other.
LADY RAFFLER. Look ye, child, you may deny your affection for him, if you please; nay, I commend you for it. It is an affection you may well be ashamed of.
CLARINDA. According to your ladyship’s opinion, we ought to be ashamed of all affection — but really if one might be indulged in any, I think Mr. Gaylove might keep it in countenance as well as another.
LADY RAFFLER. It is easy enough to keep you in countenance, you don’t seem to be easily put out of it. [Gaylove laughs within.] Oh, that’s his laugh — He’s coming, I am sure — I’ll get out of the way — Niece, I would have you prepare yourself for returning into the country — If you will ruin yourself, I’ll not be witness to it — nor will I ever live in the house with a woman that can own herself capable of being fond of a fellow.
CLARINDA. Then let me go as soon as I will, I find I am not like to lose much good company.
Enter Captain Spark, Me. GAYLOVE, Mes. Raffler.
Captain Spark. No, that’s too much, Gaylove, too much — I hope you don’t believe him, madam, — pr’ythee, hang it, this is past a jest.
MRS. RAFFLER. Upon my word, I think so, especially with regard to the reputation of the ladies.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Yes, madam, that’s it — upon their account, methinks he should forbear — Deuce take me, you will force me to be serious.
MR. GAYLOVE. Nay, pr’ythee, don’t affect concealing what is publicly known. Miss Clarinda here shall be my evidence, whether at his last quarters he was not talked of for the whole place.
CLARINDA. He was an universal contagion, not one woman escaped.
MRS. RAFFLER. This is a conviction, Captain.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Gaylove, this is your doing now — all might have been a secret in town, but for you — country towns, madam, are censorious; I don’t deny indeed but that they had some reason; but when they say all, they mistake, they do indeed — and yet perhaps it was my own fault that I had not all.
MRS. RAFFLER. I think it is too hard indeed to insist on all.
MR. GAYLOVE. Well, but confess now, how many —
CAPTAIN SPARK. Well, then, I will confess two dozen.
LADY RAFFLER and MRS. RAFFLER. Two dozen!
MR. GAYLOVE. That’s pretty fair, and thou art an honest fellow.
MRS. RAFFLER. He is so happy a one, that I wonder he escapes being destroyed by the men as a monopolizer.
CLARINDA. No, I think the men are obliged to him, for he has found out more beauties for ‘em than I ever heard of there.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Pray, let’s turn the discourse.
MR. GAYLOVE. I am trifling with this fool, when I might employ my time better — Miss Clarinda, yon know yon was interrupted to-day. You promised me the first opportunity.
CLARINDA. I am a strict observer of a promise. Aunt, you are not fond of music, I won’t invite you to so dull an entertainment.
MRS. RAFFLER. I think I am in an humour to hear it — at least I am not in a humour to leave you alone together.
[Exeunt.
Enter Servant with a letter, whispers Captain Spark.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Ladies, I’ll follow in the twinkling of an eye. — What’s here? a woman’s hand, by Jupiter! — some damned milliner’s dun or other, — though I think it will pass for an assignation well enough with the ladies that are just gone — Ha! Raffler! “Sir, — as Sir Simon will be abroad this evening, I shall have an opportunity of seeing you alone.” — hum— “if you please, therefore, it shall be in the dining-room at nine — there is a couch will hold us both.” — The devil there is— “The company will be all assembled in the parlour, and you will be very safe with your humble servant, Mary Raffler.” Pooh! Pox, what shall I do? I would not give a farthing for her — Ha! can’t I contrive to be surprised together? That ridiculous dog, Mondish, sups here — If I could but convince him of this amour, he will believe all I ever told him — now if he could but see this letter some way without my showing it him — Egad, I’ll find him out, and drop it before him. By good luck here he is.
Enter MR. MONDISH.
MR. MONDISH. So, I have made one man extremely happy — the Colonel is most nobly intoxicated with wine and his wife. This bottle of Burgundy has a little elevated me too — now if I could but find my dear inconstant alone — Ha, Spark! what the devil art thou dodging after here? In quest of some amour or other, I know thee to be —
CAPTAIN SPARK. What do you know me to be? I know thou art a damned incredulous fellow, and think’st every woman virtuous that puts a grave face upon the matter — Now, George, take my word for it, every woman in England is to be had.
MR. MONDISH. What, hast thou had them all then, that I must take thy word for it?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Ha, ha, ha! Thou wilt kill me with laughter.
MR. MONDISH. Then I must leave you to die by yourself.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Nay, but dear George — harkye, but stay — [Draws Mr. Mondish over the letter.
MR. MONDISH. I am in haste — besides, I keep you from some intrigue or other.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I might perhaps have visited my Lady Loller — but damn her! I believe e’en you know I am almost tired of her — besides, I have a mind to stay with you.
MR. MONDISH. But I positively neither can nor will stay with you.
CAPTAIN SPARK. The devil is in it, if he has not seen it by this time. Well, if you have a desire to leave me, I’ll disappoint you, for I’ll leave you, so your servant. [Exit.
MR. MONDISH. A letter dropt! T
o Captain Spark — the rogue counterfeits a woman’s hand exceeding well. But he could not counterfeit her hand so exactly without having seen letters from her — Why then may not this be from her? Is she not a woman, a prude? — the devil can say no more.
Enter MR. GAYLOVE.
MR. GAYLOVE. Mondish, your servant, where have you bestowed yourself this afternoon?
MR. MONDISH. Where I fancy I fared better than,-you — I have been entertained with Burgundy and the Colonel — while you have been loitering with Sir Simon and the ladies.
MR. GAYLOVE. Faith, I’m afraid thou art in the right on’t; for to say truth, I grew weary of their company, and have left the gallant Mr. Spark to entertain them.
MR. MONDISH. Well, what success in your amour?
MR. GAYLOVE. Oh, success that would make humility vain — Success that has made me think thy happiness not so extraordinary — In a word, had not my Lady Raffler come in, and raised the siege, I believe I should have been able, before now, to have given thee a pretty good account of the citadel — Pox take all virtuous women for me! they are of no other use, but to spoil others’ sport.
MR. MONDISH. Yes, faith! such virtuous women as her ladyship will sometimes condescend to make sport as well as spoil it. — There, read that, and then give me thy opinion, if thou think’st there is one such woman in the world as thou hast mentioned.
MR. GAYLOVE. To Captain Spark — Sir Simon — abroad this evening — In the dining-room — couch will hold us both — Ha, ha! The captain improves — Safe with your humble servant — Mary Raffler — Well said, my little Spark — Now, from this moment shall I have a great opinion of thee — thou art a genius — a hero — to forge a letter from a woman, and drop it in her own house — there is more impudence thrown away on this fellow than would have made six court pages and as many attorneys — he is an errant walking contagion on women’s reputations, and was sent into the world as a judgment on the sex.
MR. MONDISH. By all that’s infamous, ‘Tis her own hand!
MR. GAYLOVE. By all that is not infamous, I would scarce have believed my own eyes, had they seen her write it!
MR. MONDISH. Excellent! thou art as incredulous as the Colonel. What, I suppose you have heard her rail against wicked women — and declaim in praise of chastity — does a good sermon from the pulpit persuade thee that a parson is a saint? — or a charge from the bench that the judge is incorrupt? — if thou wilt believe in professions, thou wilt find scarce one fool that is not wise, one rogue that is not honest, one courtier that is not fit to make a friend, or one whore that is not fit to make a wife.
MR. GAYLOVE. But common-sense would preserve her from an affair with a fellow, who, she is sure, will publish it to the whole world.
MR. MONDISH. I am not sure of that — perhaps she does not know his character, or if she does, she may think herself safe in the world’s knowing it — besides, if he is believed in his bragging of his amours, I know no man breathing so likely to debauch the whole sex — for amours increase with a man of pleasure, as money does with a man of business; and women are most ready to trust their reputations, as we our cash, with him that has most business.
MR. GAYLOVE. It is most natural to suppose he best understands his business. But still this letter of Lady Raffler’s staggers me.
MR. MONDISH. Are you so concerned for her reputation?
MR. GAYLOVE. Hum! I should at least wish well to a family I intend to take a wife out of.
MR. MONDISH. A wife out of?
MR. GAYLOVE. Why are you surprised? did I not tell you this morning, I had a mistress in the house?
MR. MONDISH. Yes — but they are two things, I think; Heaven forbid we should be obliged to take a wife out of every house in this town, wherein we have had a mistress.
MR. GAYLOVE. You, I think, George, take good care to make that impossible, by making mistresses of other men’s wives.
MR. MONDISH. Why, it is my opinion that in our commerce with the other sex, it will be pretty difficult to avoid either making mistresses of other men’s wives, or wives of other men’s mistresses, so I choose the former. But when am I to wish you joy, friend? Methinks I long to see thee wedded — I am as impatient on thy behalf, as if I was principally concerned myself.
MR. GAYLOVE. I see thou are planting the battery of railing, so I shall run off before you can hit me. [Exit.
MR. MONDISH. We shall be able to hit your wife, I hope — and that will do as well — Here’s another friend’s wife will shortly want to be provided for; if my friends marry so fast, I shall be obliged to be deficient in a very main point of friendship, and leave them their wives on their own hands. I think my suspicions relating to Mrs. Raffler are now fully cleared up on his side, and fully fixed on hers.
Enter MRS. RAFFLER.
Your most humble servant, madam! he is but just gone.
MRS. RAFFLER. Who gone?
MR. MONDISH. Mr. Gaylove.
MRS. RAFFLER. What’s Mr. Gaylove to me?
MR. MONDISH. Nothing, he is a very good judge of pictures.
MRS. RAFFLER. Ha! What do you mean?
MR. MONDISH. Nothing.
MRS. RAFFLER. I will know.
MR. MONDISH. You cannot know more of me than you do already, nor I of you — and I hope shortly your knowledge will be as comprehensive in another branch of your favourite science.
MRS. RAFFLER. I don’t understand you.
MR. MONDISH. “I cannot be of opinion that that is an original picture of Hannibal Carraccio; for if you please to observe, there is not that boldness; there is, indeed, a great deal of the master, and I never saw more spirit in a copy: but, alas! there is so much difference between a copy and an original— “
MRS. RAFFLER. I believe the Colonel bought it as an original.
MR. MONDISH. The Colonel may be deceived — I wish I knew no more than one instance of it.
MRS. RAFFLER. Gaylove must be a villain, and have discovered me. [Aside.
MR. MONDISH. It may be, perhaps, some people’s interest to wish all persons as easily deceived as the Colonel; what pity t’is, a gallant should not be as blind as a husband!
MRS. RAFFLER. Mr. Mondish, I will not bear this: it would be foolish to dissemble understanding you any longer: be as blind or as watchful as you will, it is equal to me — I will be no slave to your jealousy, for if I have more gallants, be assured I will have but one husband.
MR. MONDISH. Spoken so bravely, that I am at least in love with your spirit still; and to convince you I have that affection and no other, deal sincerely with me, and I will be so far from troubling you any longer with my own passion that I will assist you in the pursuit of another.
MRS. RAFFLER. Then to deal sincerely with you — Lud, it is a terrible hard thing to do.
MR. MONDISH. Ay, come struggle a little, a woman must undergo some trouble to be delivered of truth.
MRS. RAFFLER. Then to deal sincerely with you, I am in love with another.
MR. MONDISH. With Gaylove — I’ll assist you — out with it.
MRS. RAFFLER. Well, ay, perhaps — but now I must insist on truth from you, how came you to suspect him? — and who put the picture into your head?
MR. MONDISH. I’ll tell you some other time.
MRS. RAFFLER. Resolve me this only, was it he?
MR. MONDISH. No, upon my honour.
MRS. RAFFLER. Then it must have been my sister!
MR. MONDISH. Ha! —
MRS. RAFFLER. Nay, don’t hesitate, it is vain to deny it.
MR. MONDISH. I do not deny it.
MRS. RAFFLER. NOW may the united curses of age, disease, ugliness, vain desire, and infamy overtake her!
MR. MONDISH. It works rarely.
MRS. RAFFLER. Revenge, revenge! Mr. Mondish, my reputation is in your hands — I know you to be a man of honour, and am easy — but to have it in the power of a woman, must be an eternal rack. We know one another too well to be easy, when we are in one another’s power — against her tongue there is no safegu
ard.
MR. MONDISH. Yes, one.
MRS. RAFFLER. What!
MR. MONDISH. To have her reputation in your power.
MRS. RAFFLER. That is impossible to hope — She will take care of her reputation — for it is on that alone she supports her pride, her malice, her ill-nature: these have raised her a train of watchful enemies that would catch her at the first trip — but she has neither warmth nor generosity enough to make it. Oh! I know her too well — She will keep her virtue, if it be only to enable her to be a continual plague to her husband.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 327
