MR. MONDISH. Well, whatever difficulty there be in the attempt, I have resolution enough under your conduct to begin — Perhaps I am of an opinion which you may excuse, that no woman’s virtue is proof against the attacks of a resolute lover.
MRS. RAFFLER. But her fear, her self-love, her coldness, and her vanity may.
MR. MONDISH. I can give you more substantial reasons for our hope than you imagine — but may I depend upon your assistance?
MRS. RAFFLER. If I fail you, may my husband be jealous of me, or may I lose the power or inclination to give him cause!
MR. MONDISH. That’s nobly, generously said; and now, methinks, you and I appear like man and wife to each other — at least it would be better for the world, if they all acted as wise a part — and instead of lying, and whining, and canting with virtue and constancy, instead of fatiguing an irrecoverable dying passion with jealousies and upbraidings, kindly let it depart from one breast, to be happy in another.
Thus the good mother of the savage brood,
Whose breasts no more afford her infants food,
Leads them abroad, and teaches them to roam
For what no longer they can find at home.
[Exeunt.
ACT V.
SCENE I.
A Chamber.
Enter SIR SIMON RAFFLER and COLONEL RAFFLER.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I desire but this trial! if I do not convince you I have reason for my jealousy, I will be contented all my life after to wear my horns in my pocket, and be as happy and submissive a husband as any within the sound of Bow bell.
COLONEL RAFFLER. A good reasonable penalty you will undergo truly, to be the happy husband of a virtuous wife.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And perhaps penalty enough too — if it was so: a virtuous wife may have it in her power to play very odd tricks with her husband. A virtuous woman may contradict him; may tease him, may expose him, nay, ruin him; and such virtuous wives, as some people have, may cuckold him into the bargain.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Well, on condition, that if your suspicions be found to be groundless, you never presume to suspect her or my wife hereafter, but suffer them peaceably to enjoy their innocent freedoms, and on condition that you give me leave to laugh at you one whole hour, I am content to do what you desire.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Ay, ay, any thing if my suspicions be found true, brother.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Why then, brother, you will find yourself to be a cuckold, and may laugh at me twenty hours if you will.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I think you will be a little confounded.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Faith! brother, you are a very unhappy fellow, faith! you are.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Why so, pray?
COLONEL RAFFLER. To marry a wife that you have not been able to find any fault in, in ten years time — If you had good luck in your choice, you might have been a cuckold in half the time, you might indeeed.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Well, it is your turn to laugh now, and I will indulge you.
COLONEL RAFFLER. But suppose, brother, it should be as you say, suppose you should find out what you have a desire to find, don’t you think you are entirely indebted to yourself?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I don’t understand you.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Why, to your own suspicions, can a wife give so good a reason for going astray, as the suspicions of her husband? They are a terrible thing; and my own wife has told me, she could not have answered for herself with a suspicious husband.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. But it wants now a little more than a quarter of eight; so pray away to the closet; we shall have the rascal before his time else, and be disappointed.
COLONEL RAFFLER. So I find you suspect the amour to be but of a short date. [Exeunt.
Enter LADY RAFFLER and MRS. RAFFLER.
LADY RAFFLER. Lud, sister, you are grown as great a plague to me as my husband. I know not whether he teases me more for doing what I should not, than you for doing what I should.
MRS. RAFFLER. A woman never acts as she should, but when she acts against her husband. He is a prince who is ever endeavouring to grow absolute, and it should be our constant endeavour to restrain him. You are a member of the commonwealth of women, and when you give way to your husband, you betray the liberty of your sex.
LADY RAFFLER. You are always for turning every thing into ridicule: but I am not that poor-spirited creature you would represent me: nor did I ever give way to my husband in any one thing in my life, contrary to my own opinion. I would not have you think I do not resent his suspicions of me, and I defy you to say I ever submitted to any method of quieting ‘em — All that I am solicitous about is, not to give the world an opportunity of suspecting me.
MRS. RAFFLER. But as the world is a witness of his suspecting you, were I in your case, I should think my honour engaged to let the world be witness of my revenge.
LADY RAFFLER. Then the world would condemn me, as it now does him — Had I a mind to be as ludicrous as you, I might tell you, that the woman who parts with her virtue makes her husband absolute, and betrays the liberty of her sex. Sister, sister, believe me, it is in the power of one honest woman to be a greater plague to her husband than all the vile vicious creatures upon earth.
MRS. RAFFLER. Give me your hand, my dear, for I find we are agreed upon the main point, that is, enmity to a husband. I proceed now to the second point, which every good woman ought to consider, namely, the rewarding a deserving gallant.
LADY RAFFLER. That is a subject on which I am afraid we shall eternally differ.
MRS. RAFFLER. I hope we shall, my dear; that is, I hope we shall never desire to reward the same.
LADY RAFFLER. I desire we may never discourse more on this head; for I shall be inclined to say things which you will not like; and, as I fear they will be of no service to you, I desire to avoid it.
MRS. RAFFLER. Oh, yes, they will be of great service to me, they will make me laugh immoderately. Come, confess honestly — I know you suspect me with Gaylove.
LADY RAFFLER. If you put me to it — I cannot call your conduct unquestionable. If I should suspect, it would not be without reason.
MRS. RAFFLER. Nay, if you allow reason, I have reasons to suspect you with not half so pretty a fellow.
LADY RAFFLER. Me! I defy you — pure virtue will confront suspicion.
MRS. RAFFLER. Pure virtue seems to have a pretty good front, indeed. Let us try the cause fairly between us: you found me and a young, fellow alone together, and very comical things may happen, I own, between a man and a woman alone together. But when a lady sends an assignation to a gentleman to meet her in the dark on a couch: then, if nothing comical happens to pure virtue, they must be a comical couple indeed.
LADY RAFFLER. You are such a laughing, giggling creature, I don’t know what you drive at.
MRS. RAFFLER. Read that — and I believe it will explain what both of drive at — Now I shall see how far a prude can carry it — Not one blush yet; I find blushing is one of the things which pure virtue can’t do.
LADY RAFFLER. I am amazed and confounded! Where had you this?
MRS. RAFFLER. From a very good friend of yours, in whose hands your reputation will be safer than in the captain’s, where you placed it.
LADY RAFFLER. ‘What, do you then believe —
MRS. RAFFLER. Nothing but my own eyes. You will not deny it is your own hand?
LADY RAFFLER. Some devil has counterfeited it. I beseech you tell me how you came by it?
MRS. RAFFLER. Mondish gave it me.
LADY RAFFLER. Then he writ it.
MRS. RAFFLER. Nay, the captain, by what I hear of him, is a more likely person to have counterfeited it. But it is well done, and sure whoever did it, must have seen your writing.
LADY RAFFLER. I’ll reach all the depths of hell but I’ll find it out. Have I for this had a guard upon every look, word, and action of my life; for this shunned even speaking to any woman in public of the least doubtful character? for this been all my life the forwardest to censure th
e imprudence of others? — have I defended my reputation in the face of the sun, to have it thus undermined in the dark?
MRS. RAFFLER. Most women’s reputations are undermined in the dark — You see, child, how foolish it is to take so much care about what is so easily lost; at least, I hope you will learn to take care of no one’s reputation but your own.
LADY RAFFLER. It wants but little of the appointed hour; sister, will you go with me?
MRS. RAFFLER. Oh! no, two to one will not be fair — If you had appointed him to have brought his second, indeed —
LADY RAFFLER. I see you are incorrigible — But I will go find my niece, or my brother, or Sir Simon himself: I will raise the world and the dead, and the devil, but I will find out the bottom of this affair. [Exit.
MRS. RAFFLER. Hugh! what a terrible combustion is pure virtue in! Now will I convey myself, if possible, into the closet — and be an humble spectator of the battle. Well, a virtuous wife is a most precious jewel — but if all jewels were as easily counterfeited, he would be an egregious ass who would venture to lay out his money in them. [Exit.
Scene changes to another Room in SIR SIMON RAFFLER’S House.
Enter SIR SIMON RAFFLER, in Women’s Clothes.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. My evidence is posted, the colonel is in the closet, and can overhear all — The time of appointment draws near. I am strangely pleased with my stratagem. If I can but counterfeit my wife’s voice as well as I have her hand, I may defy him to discover me; for there is not a glimpse of light — I am as much delighted as any young whoremaster can be in expectation of meeting another man’s wife. And yet I am afraid I shall not discover myself to be what I fear, neither; and if I should not I will hang myself incontinently. Oh! thou damned couch! thou art not ten years old, and yet what cuckoldom hast thou been witness of — I will be revenged on thee; for I will burn thee this evening in triumph, please Heaven! — Hush, hush, here he comes. [Lies on a couch.
Enter Mr. MONDISH.
MR. MONDISH. This is the field of battle. If I know any thing of the captain, he will not be in haste — and if she comes here before him, I think she will not have the impudence to deny any favour to one who knows as much as I do. It is as dark as hell! let a prude alone for contriving a proper place for an assignation — Poor Sir Simon, faith! thou hast more cause for thy jealousy than I imagined.
SIR SIMON BAFFLES. Ay, or than I imagined either — I am over head and ears in it — I am the arrantest cuckold in town. [Aside.
MS. MONDISH. ‘Sdeath! I shall never be able to find this couch out — sure it used to be somewhere hereabouts. It has been the scene of my happiness too often for me to forget it.
SIR SIMON BAFFLES. Oh! it has — Oh! thou damned villain! I wish thou couldst feel torments, that I might be an age in burning thee. [Aside.
MR. MONDISH. Ha! I hear a door open — it is a woman’s tread. I know the dear, dear trip of a soft foot.
Enter Mss. BAFFLES, who falls into Ms. MONDISH’S arms.
MRS. BAFFLES. In the name of goodness, who are you?
MS. MONDISH. An evil spirit. I find you are used to meet them in the dark, by your readiness in speaking to ‘em.
MSS. BAFFLES. Mr. Mondish?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Here will be rare caterwauling. [Aside.
MS. MONDISH. What do you do here?
MRS. BAFFLES. Trouble not yourself about that, I will not spoil your sport.
MS. MONDISH. But tell me, have you seen your sister?
MRS. RAFFLER. Yes.
MS. MONDISH. Well, and how?
MRS. RAFFLER. Oh, she raves like a princess in a tragedy, and swears that some devil has contrived it.
MS. MONDISH. Then she persists in her innocence?
MSS. RAFFLER. Yes, and will after conviction — nay, even after execution.
MR. MONDISH. A very hardened criminal indeed — but pray what is your opinion of my success?
MRS. RAFFLER. Oh! thou wicked seducer! it would be hard indeed that I should think you not able to succeed, after such a one as you have described the captain to be, when you prevailed on my innocent heart, and triumphed over what I imagined an impregnable fortress.
MR. MONDISH. And was I really thy first seducer?
MRS. RAFFLER. By Heavens! the only one that ever has yet injured my husband.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What do I hear?
MR. MONDISH. Why do I not still enjoy that happiness singly? What have I done to forfeit one grain of your esteem?
MRS. RAFFLER. To your fresh game, sportsman; and I wish you a good chase.
MR. MONDISH. Whither are you going?
MRS. RAFFLER. Concern not yourself with me: your new mistress will soon be with you. [Exit.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. This is better than my hopes! This is killing two birds with one stone. My brother will be rewarded for the pains he takes on my account — Ha! there’s a light — I think I shall be secure behind the couch.
Enter LADY RAFFLER with a Candle.
LADY RAFFLER. I think there is some plot laid against me, the whole family are run out of the house. But virtue will protect her adherents. Ha! who’s that?
MR. MONDISH. Be not startled, madam; it is one from whom you have nothing to fear.
LADY RAFFLER. I know not that, sir; I shall always think I have just reason to fear one who lurks privately about in dark corners. Persons who have no ill design never seek hiding places: but, however, you are the person I desired to meet.
MR. MONDISH. That would make me happy indeed!
LADY RAFFLER. Whence, sir, had you that letter, which you this day gave my sister, and which was signed with my name?
MR. MONDISH. The letter, madam?
LADY RAFFLER. Yes, sir, the letter! with that odious assignation which I detest the apprehension of — my reputation shall be cleared, and I will know the author of this infamous forgery, whatever be the consequence!
MR. MONDISH. Be mistress of yourself, madam, and be assured nothing in my power shall be ever left undone to vindicate your reputation, or detect any calumny against it. The letter was dropt by the person to whom it was directed, dropt on purpose that I should take it up; which I did, and delivered it to your sister. Indeed I even then suspected it a forgery. I thought I knew my Lady Raffler too well, to fear her capable of placing her affections unworthily.
LADY RAFFLER. And you know no more?
MR. MONDISH. I do not, upon my honour.
LADY RAFFLER. Well, sir, whatever care you shall take of my reputation, Sir Simon shall thank you for it.
MR. MONDISH. Alas! madam, could I have any merit in such a service, I should hope to have another rewarder than the very last person on whom I would confer an obligation.
LADY RAFFLER. How, sir?
MR. MONDISH. I ask pardon, madam, I know how tender the subject is to your ears; yet I hope the excess of tenderness which I have for you will plead.
LADY RAFFLER. Tenderness for me? — [Angry.
MR. MONDISH. For your reputation, madam.
[She looks pleased.
LADY RAFFLER. That, I think, I may suffer.
MR. MONDISH. Pardon me, madam, if that tenderness which I have for — your reputation, madam, will not permit me to be easy while I see it lavished on a man so worthless, so ungrateful, so insensible — And yet, madam, can even you, the best, the most reserved of wives, can you deny but that his jealousy is plain to you and to the whole world? Could he show more had he married one of the wanton coquets, who encourage every man who addresses ‘em, nay, who are continually throwing out their lures for men who do not? Had he married one of these, nay, had he married a common avowed prostitute —
LADY RAFFLER. Hold, you shock me.
MR. MONDISH. And I shall shock myself. But the wounds must be laid open to be cured.
LADY RAFFLER. What can I do?
MR. MONDISH. Hate him.
LADY RAFFLER. That, I think, virtue will allow me to do.
MR. MONDISH. Justice commands you to do it: nay, more, it comman
ds you to revenge, you ought for example sake — pardon me, madam, if the love I have for you — I should rather say, if the friendship I have contracted for your virtue carries me too far: but I will undertake to prove, that it is not only meritorious to fulfil his suspicions, but it would be criminal not to do it. Virtue requires it, the virtue you adore, you possess, requires it; it is not you, it is your virtue he injures; that demands a justification, that obliges you —
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 328
