LADY RAFFLER. To hate him, to despise him, that a virtuous woman may do.
MR. MONDISH. Oh! I admire, I adore a virtuous woman.
LADY RAFFLER. Virtue is her greatest jewel.
MR. MONDISH. Oh, ‘Tis a nice, and tender thing, it will not bear suspicion; she would be a poor creature indeed who could bear to have her virtue suspected without revenge.
LADY RAFFLER. What can she do?
MR. MONDISH. Every thing: part with it.
LADY RAFFLER. Ha!
MR. MONDISH. Not from her heart — I hope you don’t think I mean that; but true virtue is no more concerned in punishing a husband, than true mercy in punishing a criminal.
LADY RAFFLER. But I have the comfort to think he is sufficiently punished in the torments of his own mind. Oh, I should be the most miserable creature alive, if I could but even suspect he had an easy moment. Mr. Mondish, it would be ridiculous to affect hiding from you, who are so intimate in the family, my knowledge of his base, unjust suspicions; nor would I have you think me so poor-spirited a wretch not to hate and despise him for them. How unjust they are the whole world can evidence: for no woman upon earth could be more delicate in her conduct. Therefore, for Heaven’s sake, assist me in the discovery of this letter.
MR. MONDISH. I could not, I am sure, suspect you of so indiscreet a passion, though your hand is excellently forged.
LADY RAFFLER. It must be by some one who has seen it, sure it could not be my sister.
MR. MONDISH. Was it not Sir Simon himself?
LADY RAFFLER. Ha! it cannot be, he could not be such a villain.
MR. MONDISH. If he were, I think you ought not to forgive him.
LADY RAFFLER. Could I but prove it —
MR. MONDISH. If I prove it for you — what shall be my reward?
LADY RAFFLER. The greatest — the consciousness of doing good.
MR. MONDISH. What good shall I do in discovering the criminal, unless you will punish him?
LADY RAFFLER. I will do all in my power to punish him, and to reward you.
MR. MONDISH. Your power is infinite, as is almost the happiness I now taste. O my fair injured creature, hadst thou been the lot of one who had truly known the value of virtue — [Kissing her hand.
LADY RAFFLER. Let me go; if you would preserve my good opinion of you — If you have a regard for me, show it in immediately vindicating my reputation.
MR. MONDISH. I’ll find out Sir Simon; if he be the forger, I shall get it out of him — One earnest more.
[Kissing her hand.
LADY RAFFLER. Away! we shall be overseen, and then I shall hate you for ever. [Exeunt.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Heaven be praised, they are parted this time. I was afraid it would have come to action. Why, if a husband had a hundred thousand eyes, he would have use for them all. A wife is a garrison without walls, while we are running to the defence of one quarter, she is taken at another. But what a rogue is this fellow, who not only attempts to cuckold his friend, but has the impudence to insist on it as a meritorious action! The dog would persuade her that virtue obliges her to it. Why, what a number of ways are there by which a man may be made a cuckold! One goes to work with his purse, and buys my wife; a second brings his title, he is a lord, forsooth, and has a patent to cuckold all mankind. A third shows a garter, a fourth a riband, a fifth a laced coat. One rascal has a smooth face, another a smooth tongue; another makes smooth verses: this sings, that dances; one wheedles, another flatters; one applies to her ambition, another to her avarice, another to her vanity, another to her folly. This tickles her eyes, that her ears, another — in short, all her five senses, and five thousand follies have their addressers. And that she may be safe on no side, here’s a rascal comes and applies himself to the very thing that should defend her, and tries to make a bawd of her very virtue. He has the impudence to tell her that she can’t be a woman of virtue without cuckolding her husband — Hark! I hear a noise! — The captain, I suppose, or somebody else after my wife.
Enter CAPTAIN SPARK.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I am sure Mondish took up the letter, and it is now a full quarter of an hour after the time appointed. I know him so well, that I could lay a wager he is listening somewhere hereabouts. Madam, madam!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. That is the rascal’s voice — Is it you, Captain? tread softly for Heaven’s sake.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Yes, and I wish I may tread surely too; for it is as dark as hell. Where are you, madam?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Here, sir, here on the couch.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Quite punctual to the place of assignation, I find. Where the devil can Mondish be? [Aside.]
There, madam, there, I am safe now, I thank you — I don’t know, madam, how to thank you enough, for that kind note your ladyship was so good as to send me.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. O Lard! sir.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I assure you, madam, I think myself the happiest of mankind. I am, madam, upon my honour, so in my own opinion. Pray, madam, was not your ladyship at the last ridotto?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, sir — I find he has had her ‘till he is weary of her. [Aside.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I think you are a great lover of country dancing.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, I think it will do very well, when one can have nothing else to entertain one.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Very true, madam; quadrille is very much before it, in my opinion.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. You and I have seen better entertainments than that, before now.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Oh, yes, yes, madam — I am very fond of the entertainments at the New-house. I never go there for anything else. Pray, which is your ladyship’s favourite? Most ladies are fond of Perseus and Andromeda — (What the devil is become of Mondish?) [Aside.] But I think the operas are so far beyond all those things — Do you go to the drawing-room to-night, Lady Raffler?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. I hope to pass my time better with you, as I have done.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I should be proud to make one of a party at quadrille; but, upon my honour, I am the most unfortunate person in the world, for I am engaged.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Engaged!
CAPTAIN SPARK. I know what you think now — If one does but name an engagement, to be sure — I protest, one would think there was but one sort of engagement in the world — and I don’t know how it comes to my share to be always suspected. To be sure, I have had some affairs in my life; that I don’t deny, that I believe every one knows — and therefore I am not obliged to deny —
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. But you was not obliged to confess it to Sir Simon to-day.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Yes, ha! ha! The mistake of a name had like to have occasioned some confusion; I am heartily sorry for it, upon my word.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And was it not me that you meant?
CAPTAIN SPARK. You are pleased to rally. You know it was impossible I should confess what never happened.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What, did nothing ever pass between us?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Either you have a mind to be merry with your humble servant, or I shall begin to suspect there is some likeness of mine happier than myself. For your ladyship and sister were both pleased to mention something about an auction; and I never care to contradict a lady. Upon my soul, compliments aside, I never had the honour to see your face till this afternoon!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. How, how! did you never see my wife till this afternoon?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Your wife!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Lord! I’m delirious, I think, I know not what I say.
CAPTAIN SPARK. I hope you are not subject to fits. I shall be frightened out of my senses. For Heaven’s sake, let me call somebody — Lights! lights there! — Help! help!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Hush! consider my reputation.
CAPTAIN SPARK. You had better lose your reputation than your life. Lights! lights! — Help there! my lady faints.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What shall I do?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Will nobody hear? Help! help!
Enter Mr. M
ondish and Lady Raffler, with a light.
LADY RAFFLER. What’s the matter here?
CAPTAIN SPARK. For Heaven’s sake bring some lights hither, somebody! my poor Lady Raffler is fallen into a fit.
MR. MONDISH. My Lady Raffler!
LADY RAFFLER. What can this mean?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Ha! bless me, madam, are you there? then who the devil is this?
MR. MONDISH. Sir Simon!
CAPTAIN SPARK. Why, there’s no masquerade to-night.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. It has happened just as I feared. There’s some damned planet which attends all husbands, and will never let them be in the right. [Aside.
LADY RAFFLER. Monster! how have you the assurance to look in my injured face?
MR. MONDISH. Death and hell! I hope he did not overhear what passed between me and his wife. [Aside.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. What injury have I done you, my dear?
LADY RAFFLER. Can you ask it? Have you not laid a plot against my reputation? Have you not counterfeited my hand? Did you not write this letter? look at it.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, my dear; no.
LADY RAFFLER. How came it sealed then with this seal? which was only in your possession. Oh, I have no name bad enough.
MR. MONDISH. Come, come, Sir Simon, confess all; it is the only amends you can make your lady.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Oh, sir, if you will endeavour to get it out of me, it will be in vain to deny —
Enter COLONEL RAFFLER.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Ay, indeed will it, for I will be evidence against you. Why sure, you would not attempt to hold out any longer. If she forgives you, you have the most merciful, as well as the most virtuous wife in the world. Come, come, in the first place, ask your wife’s pardon for having ever suspected her; for having counterfeited an assignation from her, and being the occasion of the confusion which she is at present in. In the second place, ask this gentleman’s pardon for having ever suspected him. In the next place —
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Hold, hold, brother, not so fast. I own myself in the wrong; and, sir, I ask your pardon, I do with all my heart.
CAPTAIN SPARK. That is sufficient, sir: though I don’t know your offence.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And, my dear, I ask your pardon. I am convinced of your virtue, I am indeed.
LADY RAFFLER. But what amends can you make me for your wicked jealousy? Do you think it is nothing for me, who have ever abhorred the very name, even the very thought of wantonness, to have had my name traduced? What devil could tempt you to write an assignation in my name to this gentleman?
CAPTAIN SPARK. Ha!
MR. MONDISH. Even so, faith! Captain, this was the lady who writ to you, ha, ha!
CAPTAIN SPARK. How, sir?
COLONEL RAFFLER. Nay, sir, don’t put on your angry face, good brother soldier. I do not perceive your expectations have been at all disappointed; and my brother seemed as proper to carry on the amour with you, as his wife — for in the method you proceeded you would scarce ever have found out the difference.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Sir, I don’t understand —
MR. MONDISH. Nay, nay, no passion; here is nothing but raillery, no harm meant.
CAPTAIN SPARK. Is not there? Oh, ‘Tis very well if there is not.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Why, what a ridiculous figure do you make here — ha, ha, ha! You know I am to have my fill of laughing. Ha, ha, ha!
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Nay, nay, I have more reason to laugh than you. For if I am convinced of my wife’s virtue, I think you may be convinced —
COLONEL RAFFLER. Of what? Come, I’ll bring up my corps de reserve, and put all your suspicions to flight at once. Come forth, my dear, come forth, and with the brightness of thy virtue dispel those clouds that would eclipse it.
Enter MRS. RAFFLER.
I desire you would throw yourself at this gentleman’s feet, and give him a thousand thanks for the hand he has had in your affair.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. He would have had a hand in my affair, I thank him. Yes, I am damnably obliged to him, indeed.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Yes, sir, that you are — for he knew you were listening, sir. And all that love which you overheard him make to your wife, sir, was intended to convince you of her virtue, sir; it was a plot laid between my wife and him. Was it not, my dear?
MRS. RAFFLER. Yes, indeed was it.
MR. MONDISH. Though I am afraid this lady will find some difficulty to forgive me, I am obliged to own the truth.
LADY RAFFLER. I can pardon anything where the intention was good; though, I confess, I do not like such jests.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Come, come, you shall like ‘em, and pardon ‘em too; and you shall thank him for them. And then, sir, you shall ask my pardon.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. For what?
COLONEL RAFFLER. Why, for being the occasion of my wife’s imagining me as jealous-pated a fool as yourself: for you must know, sir, that she imagined that I was in the closet with the same design, with which you disguised yourself in that pretty masquerade habit. Perhaps, though, you did not guess that she knew I was in the closet all the time.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. No, upon my word.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Oh! you did not — But that she did happen to know, sir; and so did this gentleman too — Mr. Mondish, you are a wag to put your friend into a sweat: but it was kindly meant, and I thank you for it with all my heart.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And so do I too — for having given me warning to keep my wife out of your clutches.
MR. MONDISH. Gentlemen, your humble servant. If I have served my friends, the action carries its reward with it.
[To Mrs. Raffler aside.] Excellent creature! I am now more in love with your wit, than I ever was with your beauty.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. And are you really, brother, wise enough to believe such a notable story as this? and are you thoroughly convinced?
COLONEL RAFFLER. Why, are not you convinced?
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. Yes, brother, I am.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Oh! it is well.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. That you are an arrant English cuckold, and our friend an arrant rascal! — [Aside.
Enter MR. GAYLOVE and CLARINDA.
MR. GAYLOVE. Your servant, good people!
LADY RAFFLER. Oh! niece, where have you been, pray?
CLARINDA. Nay, that I’ll give you a twelvemonth to guess.
LADY RAFFLER. Indeed, miss, it would have become you better to have told us before you went.
MR. GAYLOVE. The resolution was too sudden, madam; we scarce knew ourselves till we put it in execution: but your niece, madam, has been in very good company, for we have been at the opera.
LADY RAFFLER. You do well, madam, to make good use of your time; for, please Heaven, you shall go into the country next week.
CLARINDA. That, madam, you and I both must ask this gentleman’s leave for.
MR. GAYLOVE. Upon my word, madam, I have the honour to be this lady’s protector, and shall take care henceforward she shall require no leave but her own, for any of her actions — To-morrow, madam, she has promised to make me the happiest of men, in calling her mine forever.
LADY RAFFLER. I am glad her indiscretion has come to no worse an end.
SIR SIMON RAFFLER. But, methinks, sir, as my niece is under my protection, you should have asked my consent. For now I do not know whether I will give it you or no — (I am sure I do not much care to have you in the family.)
[Aside.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Indeed, sir, but you shall give it him, and so shall your lady, and so shall my wife, and so will I.
MR. Gaylove, I think the family is much honoured by your alliance. Adod! the girl is happy in her choice.
MR. GAYLOVE. I am infinitely obliged to your good opinion, Colonel.
MR. MONDISH. Be not dismayed — this will only put back your affair a little, you must only stand out the first game of the pool, that’s all.
COLONEL RAFFLER. Come, come, gentlemen and ladies, I hear the bell ring to supper; let us all go down stairs
, and be as merry as — as wit and good humour can make us. I can’t help saying my blood ran a little cold at one time, but I now defy appearances, and am convinced that jealousy is the foolishest thing in the world; and that it is not in the power of mankind to hurt me with my wife.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 329
