That seat of paradise, where Jove
Might pamper his almighty love?
Our milky way less fair does shew:
There summer’s seen ‘twixt hills of snow.
From her lov’d voice whene’er she speaks,
What softness in each accent breaks!
And when her dimpled smiles arise,
What sweetness sparkles in her eyes!
Can I then bear, enrag’d she said,
Slights offer’d to my fav’rite maid,
The nymph whom I decreed to be
The representative of me?
The Goddess ceas’d — the Gods all bow’d,
Nor one the wicked bard avow’d,
Who, while in beauty’s praise he writ,
Dar’d Beauty’s Goddess to omit:
For now their godships recollected,
‘Twas Venus’ self he had neglected,
Who in her visits to this place
Had still worn Betty Dalston’s face.
THE LOVERS ASSISTANT, OR, NEW ART OF LOVE
PREFACE
This Work was begun many Years ago, though altered in some Places by the Author, before his Death; as will appear by the modern Instances introduced in it. Many of which being so applicable to the present Time, is the Occasion of it being now published.
As to any Exception which may be made to the Impurity of this Work, we shall transcribe what was written long ago in its Defence, from the Preface prefixed to Mr. Dryden’s Translation of this Poem.
‘A great many People are mistaken in these Books; and tho’ they were made use of as a Pretence to drive the Author from the Court of Augustus, and confine him to Tomos on the Frontiers of the Getae and Sarmatae, yet they were not the true Cause of his Confinement. They are very far from being so licentious as the Writings of several other Poets, both Greek and Latin. However we must own he might have been a little more discreet, especially in some Places[A].
[Note A: He means in the other two Books.]
‘That which offended the Romans most in this Work, cannot touch us. It has always been more dangerous in Italy to converse with Women of Honour, and frequent their Houses, than ‘tis with us; where there is more Liberty, and what in that Country may be an Occasion of Debauchery, would not at all be so in ours.
‘Notwithstanding all that has been said against these Books of the Art of Love, by some over-scrupulous Persons, whose Discretion has too much of Affectation in it: they are not only necessary for the Knowledge of the Latin Tongue, and the Roman History, concerning which they contain several Things very particular; but for the noble Sentiments we find in them, which the Gravest and Learnedest Writers have thought worthy to be quoted for Authorities.
‘In a Word, there’s nothing in them that comes near the Licence of some Epigrams of Catullus, Martial, and Ausonius, of some Satires of Horace and Juvenal, and several other Pieces of Ancient and Modern Authors, which are read and commented upon; and about which even celebrated Jesuits and other religious Persons, as eminent for their Piety as their Erudition, have employed their Studies. Yet who has condemn’d or complain’d of them? We must confess, such Things should be managed with Address; and those of them who have meddled with any of the Authors I have named, have shewn that it may be done so, by their succeeding so happily in it.
‘As for this Treatise of the Art of Love, for which the Author has also prescrib’d a Remedy, as it is liable to be ill interpreted by those whose Pens poison every Thing they touch; so it may bear a good Construction, by such as know how to turn every Thing to Advantage.
‘I will yet say, this Art may be apply’d to those that intend to marry. There is nothing sure against Decency in all that. I agree, if you will have it so, that it extends so far as to direct one to the Means to gain a Mistress. If this was not lawful heretofore in Italy, on account of the jealous Humour of the Italians, we cannot, for the same Reason only, say it ought to be forbidden in our Country, any more than in several others, provided we could be sure the Ladies Modesty would not be offended, before whom Youth should be always careful not to exceed the Bounds of the Respect that’s due to them.’
To this I may add, that if the Objection of Impurity lies against any Part of this Work, it is only against the two latter Books, for in that which we have here paraphrased, there is nothing capable of offending the nicest Ear.
With regard to the Merit of this Paraphrase, which is entirely a new Undertaking, and might perhaps, if properly encouraged, be carried on with other Latin Poets, we shall only observe, that the utmost Care hath been taken to preserve the Spirit and true Sense of the Author, and where we have been obliged to deviate, we have given the literal Translation in the Notes.
Upon the whole, we cannot suppress, what one of the most learned Men of this Age, said upon persuing the Paraphrase, viz. That he thought it would serve better to explain the Meaning of Ovid to a Learner, than any other Translation, or all his numerous Commentators.
BOOK I
If in so learned an Age as this, when Arts and Sciences are risen to such Perfection, there be any Gentleman unskilled in the Art of Loving, let him come to my School; where, if he hath any Genius, he will soon become an Adept: For I would by no means have any young Gentlemen think, that Erudition is unnecessary upon this Occasion. It is well known that the Rules of Art are necessary to the Conduct of a Ship; for which reason, none but able and experienced Seamen are preferred to the Command of one. Rules are necessary even to make a good Coachman, as those Gentlemen who have the Ambition to excel this way very well know. In the same manner is Art required to drive the Chariot of Love well. Now it hath pleased Venus to place me in the Coach-Box: what a Captain is to a Ship, or the Driver to his Chariot, that am I to Love. I own indeed Master Cupid is a little wild, and often stubborn; but he is only a Child, and of an Age to be disciplined: And however fierce the Disposition of a Lad may be, a judicious Schoolmaster knows very well how to correct it: For many a Boy who hath afterwards turned out a Hero, hath when at School very patiently submitted to the Lash, and quietly, at the Word of Command, held out his Hands to be whipt . Duke William himself, when a Lad, very possibly submitted to Correction; and he who was hereafter to become the Terror of his Enemies, might in his Youth have been afraid of his Tutor. Mr. Pointz was his Preceptor: I am the Preceptor of Love. Both these Youths were of a fierce Disposition, both elevated in their Birth. But as the stoutest Ox submits himself to the Yoke, and the most fiery Horse to the Bridle, so shall Love to me. Though he may bend his Bow against my Breast, and shake his Torches at me; no matter: nay, the more he pierces me with his Arrows, the more he burns me, the more severely will I be revenged of him.
But here, Master Apollo, I will tell no lies to my Readers. I do not pretend to have received any Inspiration from you, any more than from Parson Whitefield : And as for Miss Clio and her eight Sisters, I never visit them; nor have I even a Cap-Acquaintance with them. I write from Experience only; and Experto crede Roberto is my Motto. I promise my Readers that I will tell them truth; and if I must, for form sake, invoke any Muse, Venus herself shall be the Person . Sweet Goddess! then be thou present, and smile at my Undertaking. But as for you who cannot smile, I mean you, Prudes, with your screw’d Faces, which may be considered as Signs hung forth before the Door of Virtue, and which perhaps, like other Signs, promise what is not to be found in the House; I desire neither your Favour nor your Company. Good-natur’d Girls are all I write to; and such I promise them may read my Works without a Blush.
Know then, my good Scholar, that art unexperienced in the Art of Love, that this Art consists of three principal Points: First, to select a proper Mistress: Secondly, to win her Affections: And, Thirdly, to preserve your mutual Affection. Of all these therefore we will treat; or, to speak metaphorically, through these three Roads we will drive the Chariot we have undertaken to guide.
First then as to the Choice of a Mistress, to whom you may say, In Thee alone my choice is fixed. Do not believe such a one wi
ll fall into your Lap. It will become you to look about sharp for her, and with all your Eyes, I do assure you. And here my first Instruction shall be, where she may most probably be found: For he is a bad Huntsman who would beat about the Royal Exchange for a Hare or a Fox; and not a much better Gunner or Fisherman, who goes a shooting in Somerset-Gardens, or attempts to angle in the magnificent Bason there. As these all know the Places where their Game resort, so must you.
Here then, I by no means advise you to make a long Voyage after a foreign Mistress, as Perseus did, who fetched Andromeda from the Indies; or Paris, whom nothing would serve but a Grecian Mistress. Your own Country, my Friend, will produce Women which the World cannot equal. Beauties are as plenty in the City of London as Apples in Herefordshire, or Grains of Wheat in Hampshire; they are indeed as plenty as Fish in the Sea, or Birds in the Air; nay, the Sky hath not more Stars than London hath Beauties: for England, not Cyprus, is the Queen of Love’s favourite Island. Whether you love green Fruit, and which is in the Bud only, or Beauty in its fuller Bloom, or that which is arrived to perfect Ripeness; nay, if nothing but Wisdom or Sagacity will serve your turn, of these too Old England will afford you a sufficient Plenty.
In the pleasant Month of May, repair to Vaux-Hall. Here take your Evening Walk, either round the verdant Scenes, where Nightingales, the only Foreigners who give us their Songs for nothing, warble their most delicious Notes. When your Limbs demand Repose, you may enjoy it in an Alcove, from whence the embattel’d Troops of Venus will pass in review before you. Again, the lofty Dome of Ranelagh invites your Steps. Whether the illustrious Artist took his Model from that House, which as a Reward for their Industry, or for some little regard for their Honey, the benevolent Nature of Man hath conferred on that laborious Animal the Bee: Or whether a more pious Disposition chose this Form from the musical Instrument which summons the whole Parish to Church: Or whether the wondrous Force of Genius, unassisted by any Model, did not of itself strike out this wondrous Architecture; let Kent or Benson inquire. Hither, from every Corner of the Town, repair the loveliest Nymphs. Here too thou may’st survey them, either walking or reposed on Benches at thy Ease. Nor is the Mall to be neglected, where once die brawny Arm of Charles displayed its Strength, and beat his subtle Courtiers at the Play, whence it derives its Name. Nor, Kensington, must thy Gardens be passed by, once the Delight of mighty Caroline, and to the future Age a Monument of her Taste. Here the Charmers draw in sweet Air, and send it forth again in sweeter Sighs, as Tributes to the loved Memory of that mighty Queen. As for the Ring, formerly the Scene of Beauty’s many Triumphs, it is now become a lonely deserted Place: Brilliants and brilliant Eyes no longer sparkle there: No more the heedless Beau falls by the random Glance, or well-pointed Fan. The Ring is now no more: Yet Ruckholt, Marybone and The Wells survive; Places by no means to be neglected by the Gallant: for Beauty may lurk beneath the Straw Hat, and Venus often clothes her lovely Limbs in Stuffs. Nay, the very Courts of Law are not excluded; and the Scenes of Wrangling are sometimes the Scenes of Love. In that Hall where Thames sometimes overflowing, washes the Temple of Venus Lucy, the grave Serjeant becomes a Victim to the Fair; and he who so well knows how to defend others, cannot defend himself. Here the Special Pleader loses all Power to Demurr, and finds beyond his Expectation a novel Assignment spring up in the Cause. Him Venus Lucy laughs at from her neighbouring Temple; for the Council is now become the Client, and squeezes an empty Hand harder than he ever did a full one. But above all, the Theatres are the Place of Sport: for these will be most fruitful to your Wishes. Here you will find one Object to love, and another to toy with. Some, of whom a single Touch will suffice, and others, in whom you will desire a stronger Tenure. Neither do the Ants in pursuit of Grain, or the Bees in quest of Flowers, swarm in greater Numbers than the Beauties to the Theatres. The variety of Charmers here have often distracted my Choice. Hither they come to see, and to be themselves seen; and many are the Love-Bargains here made.
And now, Friend, I will tell you a Story. Romulus was the first Person who ever made this use of the Theatre, when he ordered his Soldiers to fall foul on the Sabine Ladies, whom he invited to a Play acted by his Command. Not that I would have you think, that Theatre was like the Playhouse in Convent-Garden, enriched with Scenes, Machines, and other Decorations. To say the truth, it was no better than a Barn, or Booth. Here he assembled the Sabine Girls, and ordered his Romans to chuse every Man his Miss. They did so, and while the poor Girls thought no Harm, those Fellows felt strange Emotions within. Now while a certain Dancer, called, The Ludio, was performing a Tambourine, which I suppose took greatly at that time, Romulus on a sudden gave the Signal for falling on. This was instantly obeyed. They all rushed in, laid their Hands upon the Girls, and soon gave them sufficient Tokens of their Purpose.
As the Doves, who are the most timorous of Birds, fly from Eagles; or as the young Lamb runs from Wolves, as soon as she sees them, so terrified were these Ladies, at the Men rushing upon them, in this unlawful manner. The Colour forsook their Cheeks at once. All were equally in a Fright, though they discovered their Fear by different Symptoms. Some of them tear their Hair, others sit in Amazement, Terror strikes some dumb, others call in vain for the Assistance of their Mammas. One cries out, another is shocked to death; one stands still, another endeavours to get out of the House. But all their Endeavours are vain; and perhaps indeed their Blushes heightened their Beauty; they were all led off, and those who would not go were carried. Methinks, I hear one of their Gallants thus addressing his weeping Fair. Why, my Dear, will you spoil those lovely Eyes with Tears? I promise you, you shall be served no worse than your Mother hath been before. I will only do to you, what your Father did to her. Ah Romulus! Romulus! no General ever better knew how to reward his Soldiers; I promise you, that when I hear your Drum beating up for Voluntiers, I will enlist under your Command.
Ever since that time, the Theatre hath been consecrated to Love, and many a pretty Girl, since the Sabines, hath owed the Loss of her Maidenhead to it.
Other Places of publick Meeting may likewise be frequented, as Horse Races and the Like. And especially public Shews, which never fail of Women. Here get upon a crouded Scaffold, and sit next to the Girl you like. Squeeze yourself as close to her as you can; for Custom here countenances such squeezing whether the pretty Creatures will or no. Here find some Opportunity to begin a Discourse; you will not be driven to talk upon your Fingers, or by Signs, but may use your Tongue[B]. Begin then with News, or the Chitchat of the Town. Nay, the Shew itself will afford a Subject: for instance supposing it was my Lord Mayor’s Shew, you may ask her what Alderman that Coach, or those Liveries belong to; and be sure to admire the same with herself: Do not omit moreover, to give her an early Intimation of your Gallantry, and that you are a Woman’s Man. If it should happen that any one of the Aldermen should be a greater Cuckold than the rest of his Brethren; take care to titter at his Appearance; and while the Pageants are passing by, endeavour to find out a Resemblance of Horns in some of them. All those Things have a remote Tendency to this great point.
[Note B: These Verses are transposed from the Place in which they stand in the Original, and this, I think, with Advantage to the Connection.]
If a Grain of Snuff should happen to fall on the Lady’s Bosom, wipe it off with your Fingers; and if none fall, wipe off that none. Take every Opportunity to be as officious in her Service as possible. If she drop her Fan or Gloves, presently take them up; for this you will have sure Reward in the very Fact, for you may at the same time lift up her petticoat and see her Legs.
Be careful that the Person who sits behind her doth not press her tender Back with his Knee. Small Matters captivate light Minds. Many a Man hath drawn considerable Advantage from handing a Lady to Coach, by gallanting her Fan, or even by taking up her Clog.
Nor will Tower-hill, when the Tragic Scaffold is strewed with Saw-Dust, be an improper Place to begin your Intrigue: for Cupid himself always attends, and acts the Part of an Executioner
on such Occasions; many a poor Man having lost his Heart, while he hath attended to another’s losing his Head. While the Fair-One carelessly laying her Hand on his, argues concerning the Criminal’s Guilt, and offers to lay a Wager that he will die well; the wounded Lover feels a sudden Stroke, and is not better able to bear the Smart without a Sigh.
If it was the Custom of England to imitate the Romans in insulting over the Conquered, what Spectacles might have formerly been exhibited! How many French Youths and Virgins might have followed the Chariot-Wheels of our Monarchs! In that Cafe many a poor English Heart must have submitted to a French Conquest, and Beauty would have been triumphant in Chains. Nay, I prophesy we shall again see those victorious Times. Our Mighty GEORGE now meditates new Triumphs, and France shall be punished as she ought. Rejoice, O ye Shades, whose Bodies lie buried in the Plains of Fontenoy, where British Colours were polluted by Gallic Hands. WILLIAM your Avenger comes. The General in him shone forth in his first Campaign, and while a Youth, he managed War beyond his Years. Let not his Age therefore deter us from ranking him among our greatest Commanders. His Warlike Genius springs forth and outruns his Years, impatient of the sluggish Pace of Time. The Swedish Charles was scarce beyond a Child when he crushed two mighty enemies at once; Charles the German Prince, yet but a Youth, what was he when he past the Rhine and terrified the Host of France? Thy Father’s Genius, WILLIAM, and his Courage, shall inspire thy youthful Arms. With that Genius and that Courage shalt thou conquer. Such Beginnings dost thou owe to the mighty Name of thy illustrious Sire; that thou who art the Noblest of all young Commanders mayst hereafter become the first among the old. ‘Tis time to avenge the Injuries attempted to thy House, and to maintain thy glorious Father’s Rights. Thy Country’s Father and thy own, girts on thy Sword, and thy Cause is no less glorious than thy Arms. In both is France inferiour, and to both shall yield. I prophesy, that thou shalt conquer, and to thy Conquest I dedicate my votive Prayers, prepared hereafter to resound thy Praise; when we shall see thee, most lovely Prince, returning, thy Glories far outshining the Gold in which thou art attired. Thee shall Crouds of Youths and beauteous Virgins hail from their crouded Windows as thou passest, and universal Joy shall overspread each British Face on that Blest Day.
Complete Fictional Works of Henry Fielding Page 379
