Thinking of You

by Rachel Kane

  “We know you, Reynolds. What the hell is this? You represent nice little storekeepers when they’re suing the plumber. Little old ladies who spill hot coffee on their laps. You don’t stand up for mobsters.”

  Careful. “I haven’t seen anything to suggest Braddock Moore is…that.”

  “Yeah, he’s a legitimate businessman, is that your defense? He just got a little behind on his paperwork?”

  I sat up a little straighter. “I’m filing a motion to suppress the files you took from his office. That warrant was too broad. You could’ve confiscated his carpet and lightbulbs, the way that thing was written.”

  “Yeah, he probably stole the lightbulbs, too. Do your worst, Reynolds.” He shook his head. “I gotta ask, though. You’re not a criminal lawyer. What are you doing here?”

  I bristled. “Sounds like you’re attempting to interfere with my client’s right to counsel.”

  “Save the speeches for the jury. You know what I mean. This is a scam that went wrong.”

  “Unless you’re suggesting that Moore can somehow control the weather—”

  Jay sighed. “Look, I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt here, and pretend you don’t know the score. You’ve got a good rep in this town. Hell, maybe you don’t know what’s going on.”

  “Explain it to me, then.” I tried to sound hard when I asked it, but honestly, Jay was scaring me a little. This did feel bigger than I was used to.

  “What we usually see is arson,” he said. “You dump some money into cheap construction, then oh no, who could have foreseen, there’s a fire that brings the building down. You walk away with a fat insurance check, leave your investors to pick up the pieces. I gotta hand it to Moore, this was smarter than that. If the other developers affected hadn’t clued us in—”

  “You think that Braddock Moore purposefully let his building flood?”

  “Listen, we’re going to go over every pipe, every drain. You know it’s going to turn out that none of that was up to code. The first big storm, that building was going to get washed out. Major damage. Major. You think he’s going to take the insurance money and rebuild?”

  I swallowed. My throat was dry. People could have been hurt, when the building flooded. Braddock was shifty, sure, but would he have risked people’s lives in order to cash in on his insurance?

  Jay’s office was suddenly very, very small. Like a jail cell. If I represented a man who was willing to put people’s lives on the line to cheat an insurance company…maybe I deserved just such a cell.

  “Someone’s upstairs to see you,” said Debra, when I returned to my office.

  “If it’s Braddock Moore—”

  “It’s not. Did you order a portrait or something? He has a big drawing pad, said he was here to draw your picture.”

  I laughed. “Sure, something like that.”

  Debra said, “I’m glad. We could use a little art in here, to lighten things up.”

  He was in my arms before I even had my office door closed. “I missed you,” he said.

  “It’s been a long couple of hours,” I said. He tasted of coffee. I took his upper lip between my teeth, like I was going to bite him, while his hands slipped down my back.

  “Are you poor? I only ask because your office is freezing. I feel like I’m visiting a Dickens character. Throw another coal into the fire, won’t you?”

  I shed my briefcase and papers, and sat at the desk. “Heating this place is impossible. Believe me, we try. Theo, remind me why I’m a lawyer again?”

  Theo slid into the chair opposite. Over on the sofa, he’d left a drawing pad. I wondered what he’d been sketching. “Some addiction to truth, justice, and the American way? Let me buy you lunch. You’re clearly too impoverished to buy it on your own.”

  I sat back in my chair and sighed. “God, I wish I could. This case… I have no idea what I’ve gotten myself into.”

  “We can discuss it over lunch. We’ll call it a business expense.”

  With a sad smile I said, “You’re such a bad influence. Let me talk to my partner and tell him I’m going out for a bit.”

  “Partner? Suddenly I’m jealous.”

  “Hah, that’s because you don’t know Bernard.”

  “I’ve been getting calls all morning,” Bernard said, looking up from his work. “You’re putting us on the map, Micah my boy. One day on the case, and Braddock Moore is generating all kinds of buzz.”

  “I’m going out,” I said.

  That stopped him. “There’s an out?”

  “Lunch with a friend.”

  “You have friends? Hey, check it out, we’ve got three other builders putting out feelers for us. Depending on how things go with Moore, they want to drive a truckload of retainer money up to the door.”

  I thought of the judgmental look on Jay’s face back at the fraud office.

  “If Moore calls—”

  “Fine, fine,” said Bernard. “Go eat lunch like a pleb. I’ll just sit here starving, while making us the big bucks.”

  “You’re a true inspiration to the profession,” I said.

  “Tell me this is weird for you,” Theo said, peeking over his menu.

  “Lunch? I mean, I usually skip it, but it’s not exotic or anything—”

  He kicked my shin under the table. “You know what I mean.”

  I smiled. He’d insisted on walking, and during the walk, my mind had done its best to switch gears. It was hard. The thing Jerome had always gotten mad at me for, the slowness with which I went from Lawyer-Micah to Boyfriend-Micah.

  Boyfriend. Was that what was happening here?

  “It’s weird as hell,” I said. “In one way, it feels natural, you know? I’ve known you all my life, and here you are.”

  He nodded. “That’s it exactly. But…you’re different. I’m different. A lot of time has passed. I keep being reminded of that. We’re not kids anymore. I don’t know how to feel about that. We can’t just pick up where we left off.”

  “Do you want to?” I asked.

  “Wouldn’t it be nice? Just hit rewind, go back to where it ended, and let things play out a different way?”

  “It would erase this painful, painful weekend,” I said.

  “The less said about that the better.”

  I looked at him. You’re different. I’m different. That was true, but the interesting question was, how were we different? The man in front of me might have become a stranger, for all I knew.

  Yes, some things were always the same: The politeness he gave our server, asking questions about the menu, before launching into a highly detailed order that would have the kitchen in turmoil.

  It was one thing to recognize these little similarities, and to find myself attracted all over again to him. But it was something else entirely to think we could just pick back up where we left off.

  Did I even want that?

  Did I have room for it in my life?

  I could feel my chest squeeze a little, thinking about it. It scared me. It was all too much, too fast, and I hadn’t had time to let it all sink in.

  “So catch me up,” he said. “I’ve seen the cardboard box you call your apartment. What happened to lead you to such an…um…efficient home, after living in that nice little neighborhood with all the old houses?”

  My water glass provided a convenient prop, something to do with my hands. “I’m not sure you really want to hear about that.”

  “Humor me. We slept together, didn’t we? So we ought to be able to manage small talk.”

  You’re just as scared as I am, I realized. Both of us were startled by what happened last night. As much as we’d wanted it, neither of us had expected it. It had happened so fast.

  An unnecessary sip of water. “Jerome was… I don’t know. He turned out to be a mistake, but it didn’t seem that way at the time. He was very domestic, if you know what I mean. He’d drag me out to look at curtains. He cared what kind of art was hanging on the walls.”

  “Well, a
rt is important.”

  “I thought I needed that in my life, someone to look after the home front, while I went out and hunted the woolly mammoth.”

  “Are you familiar with the term heteronormative?”

  “Ugh, don’t. At the time it made sense. But, surprise, it turned out he wasn’t happy building a nest for me, all by himself, with no input from me.”

  “You should’ve developed an opinion on curtains.”

  “I kept waiting for him to understand how important my work was to me. He kept waiting for me to look up from work and remember I was in a relationship. We started arguing. Really snippy fights. Who left this saucer in the sink, stuff like that.”

  Theo nodded. I wondered what he thought about that. Was he looking for someone hiding behind a career? Or did he need someone to pick out curtains? Or…was there a third way to do things?

  By my age, it felt like I should know a better way to do it, a better set of roles to fall into.

  “He started going to meetings at night, book clubs and hobby clubs and…well, basically anything that would get him out of the house, among people who had time to talk to him. I’d stay home and work…at least, on the nights I was able to get home, I would. We talked less, fought more.”

  “That reminds me so much of my dad. Val, too. You guys and your work ethic.”

  “Jerome said I was hiding in my work. That I was too scared to make an emotional connection, too scared to admit I just wasn’t interested in a relationship, so I made up for it by working nonstop. Then, if he complained, I could turn around and say, why are you sabotaging my job, don’t you like this nice house, don’t you like the nice things work buys for us?”

  It was weird to say all this aloud.

  I’d hardly talked about it at all, since Jerome left. There was no time to reflect on it, there was no time to sort it out. Things had just gotten busy…

  …I always do this. I always end up hiding.

  Well, not today. Today I did exactly the opposite. In some ways, Theo was a stranger to me. Forget sleeping with him, forget our past, who was he these days? What had he been through, what had he become?

  So here I was, blurting out all my horrible secrets.

  It left me feeling exposed. What would Theo think of me, knowing this stuff? I wanted to leave. I wanted to go back to work. There was so much to do.

  The server brought out our food, and now I felt stuck. There was no way to escape, without being painfully awkward.

  This had all happened too fast. My head was whirling. I had to put the brakes on. You don’t meet up with a guy from your past and just jump into bed with him. You certainly don’t start planning a life together, based on just a few conversations. It wasn’t healthy, it wasn’t right, and I was just setting myself up to get hurt again.

  After all, he’d already left me once, with no warning.

  How could I get out of this? Where could I run?

  19

  Theo

  You don’t have to be a great artist to read someone’s emotions. Notes of anguish around the eyes, hands keeping busy, a sense of agitation to the quick, insectile movements. I could imagine capturing Micah on canvas right now. I’d use jittery, repetitive strokes, to try to picture the way he moved, like a man tied to a chair, trying to escape.

  If anything, it was a relief seeing him like that. It put things on a more realistic footing. I’m not sure Micah was ready for anything to happen between us…and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.

  No, that wasn’t true. It hurt, but in an understandable way.

  Here’s the thing: I’d already made up my mind. When I showed up to his place last night, there were no doubts. I wanted him back. I wanted his arms around me, I wanted his strength, his stability, the way he had of making everything okay again.

  I didn’t care if it was too fast. I didn’t care if we were different people nowadays. My life has been so empty for so long, that Micah was the only light at the end of this tunnel.

  So now, to see him withdraw? To see him pull back, after the closeness I’d felt last night?

  It’s not that I was upset. I’m not a drama queen, no matter what Val might say about me.

  The realization that was striking me, was that I might be pushing him too fast. Letting my own need, my hunger for him, drive things forward. He’d had a bad breakup. He wasn’t in a great place in life, even if it looked that way from outside.

  I had to slow down, so I didn’t hurt him.

  Again.

  I rubbed my temples, feeling the tension building there. (Remembering mother, her headaches. Were they new? “Could you get me my pills?” I’d heard her ask Nick, back when I was busy storming out of the room. Maybe if I’d seen her more often, I would have been the one she’d asked.) I called the server over and asked for a whiskey. I saw the surreptitious glance Micah gave to his watch.

  “I don’t expect anything from you,” I said.

  “What?”

  “I’m just saying, I’m not asking for you to pick out curtains or anything.” I gratefully took my whiskey from the tray.

  “Maybe I should apologize,” he said. “I know I sound like a crazy person, telling you all this.”

  “Not at all. Look, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll tell you about my relationship history. Oh, wait, there’s nothing to tell. Sorry.”

  Micah laughed. “Surely you’ve seen people in the thousand years since we were together.”

  “You know, I’ve got a bit of a reputation,” I said. “People see me as a shallow rich boy.”

  “No!”

  “My whole job is…is this,” I said, holding up my glass. “I can’t believe how much people drink. CEOs who are supposed to have their finger on the pulse of the national economy, and they’re sloshed. Salesmen who are supposed to navigate tricky, highly detailed deals, up to the eyelids in alcohol. It’s like the entire business world is out on spring break, and they’re trying to party as much as possible before they have to go back home to their parents.”

  “My sympathies to your liver.”

  “Oh, I’ll be all right. At least, I hope so. The bigger problem is, I don’t know how to let people know there’s more to me. It’s such a teenage problem to have, isn’t it? Do grown-ups ever feel misunderstood by the people around them?”

  “No, never,” Micah laughed.

  “I date guys—yes, it’s true, don’t look so shocked—and it’s clear that they’re interested in the fun part of going out with someone with money. Never having to split the check. But unlike you…nothing serious enough to warrant the purchase of housewares.”

  “I find that hard to believe. In all this time, you haven’t been in a serious relationship?”

  “In the romantic world, I believe they call that a red flag.”

  At the same time that I was joking, I was a little worried. Yes, talking about myself took some pressure off Micah, and he had stopped fidgeting a few minutes ago. But now I was in dangerous territory. Look at me, I’m so damaged and needy. That was not the point I wanted to make about myself. Needy people threw themselves at you. They accelerated all the natural processes, past the point of common sense.

  I didn’t want to scare him off. I wanted to seem like a sensible person.

  Also, I couldn’t believe that I was going through all this in my head. We’d just slept together. I’ve known him forever. Why was this so damn complicated?

  Of course, I knew why it was so complicated.

  There was still unfinished business between us, and all the sleeping together in the world wouldn’t make up for it.

  I had left him. That had caused some damage, and now I was back, and I wasn’t giving him any room to process. He’d had a shitty weekend full of drama, and then I show up on his doorstep, and then at his office?

  Damn, Theo, when did you get so clingy?

  It’s just, Micah excited me to my core. I couldn’t even look at him without wanting to touch him. Part of that was the curiosity on his
face.

  Oh, right. We’d been talking about prior relationships. He wanted to know what I’d been up to all this time.

  “There was one guy,” I said, thrilling at the possessive look on Micah’s face.

  “He sounds terrible.”

  I laughed. “He was all right. Jim. I had a long talk with him about that name. This isn’t 1960, can’t you switch to James? He was in the music industry.”

  “Oh-ho, a musician.”

  “Well, no, he did something with legal clearances for music to be used in TV shows? I don’t know, I’d doze off when he tried to explain it.”

  “The question of clearances is actually pretty interesting,” said Micah, perking up. “For instance, did you know—”

  “Dozed off, I tell you.”

  “Fine, fine. Tell the story your way. Disappoint the attorney sitting across from you. What happened with him? I note you’re not still with him.”

  I winced. “Yeah. I mean, we talked about moving in together. But then he got a job in California. A step up in his world. He really wanted me to go with him. Like really.”

  “Did you go?”

  “No, of course not. But I was tempted, I really was. A chance to make a break from my family, from the business? It seemed like a way to make a fresh start. At least, that’s the way he phrased it to me. But how could I leave Val? What would he do without me?”

  “I’d just point out that you left Val all alone today,” Micah mentioned.

  “Oh, for a day, it’ll be all right. He won’t set anything on fire. But permanently? It was a lot to ask.”

  Without a trace of humor to leaven his remark, Micah said, “So what you’re telling me is, you broke up with him in favor of the business. Again. Is this a pattern with you?”

  “It wasn’t like that. Not like when you and I broke up.” When I saw his skeptical look, I said, “You have to believe me. It was just…different.”

  “Maybe Jim and I should form a support group.”

  “Look, Micah, I owe you an apology for that summer. No, not an apology, that’s not what I mean. An explanation?”