Thinking of You

by Rachel Kane

  It would be like starting over, like getting a second chance.

  Well, third chance, at this point. But still.

  “Promise me you’ll never leave again,” I said. “Promise that I’m more important, and that your dreams are more important, than anything your family wants you to do.”

  He swallowed. “Honestly, I think this will let me have my family again. Have them just be people that I love, rather than people I obey. It might take some fighting, and some craziness, but…”

  “Promise me.”

  He pulled me close. “I promise you that you are more important to me than anything. It’s you who unlocked all this, who made me believe I could be real again. You reminded me of who I used to be, before life turned me into something else. I promise. It’s real, and it’s lasting, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  I kissed him then. A small kiss. Just one on the cheek. “I’m going to write up a contract,” I said.

  “Oh, getting it all down in black and white? An attorney to the end.” He kissed me right on the edge of my lips.

  “So many pages. So many lines to sign on.” His lips found mine, and I gasped. “So many penalties if I ever have to worry about you again.”

  I realized something, as he kissed me then. Something that hadn’t occurred to me in all this time.

  The lake was where I felt safe.

  It wasn’t just where I’d grown up. That wasn’t it. My familiarity with it, the way it filled up my memories, that’s not what I meant.

  I mean, when I was here, in Theo’s arms, I felt protected in a way that I’d never felt anywhere else. Out there in the world, I never feel like I should need protection. I’m a grown man. I’m a lawyer. The force of law is on my side.

  But inside, I get so afraid, not knowing what to do, not knowing what’s best.

  Here in Theo’s arms, here next to the lake, I knew what was best. I knew what the future held, and what I needed to do to earn that future.

  How can one person make such a difference in your life? How can one person totally change the way you feel?

  I didn’t know the answer to that. All I knew is that it was true. Theo had that effect on me, and it was something I needed. Safety to dream.

  31

  Theo

  It was Micah who guided me through the conversation with my mother.

  My original plan had been to storm in, make a scene, make my demands. Kind of the way I’d always done it. Like a kid, really, a spoiled kid. Stomp my feet, hold my breath, threaten to faint if I didn’t get my way.

  The problem with that approach didn’t occur to me until I was in Micah’s arms, and I remembered how stability felt.

  I didn’t have to whine to get my way. I was in the right. On my side, I had love, and the desire to make life better, more meaningful. On my family’s side, what did they have? Duty. Responsibility. Or something darker that hid under those noble ideas. Avarice. Greed. Blind faith that you should follow the dictates of business.

  Okay, I didn’t want to get all philosophical about it, but what I’m saying is, when I started to rush in, Micah grabbed my arm. “Let’s do this the right way,” he said to me.

  “Think of it as a counter-offer,” I told Mother. “One that gets everyone a little of what they want.”

  She was surrounded by boxes, looking more exhausted than I’d ever seen her.

  I wasn’t sure if I could do this, when I saw her. I hadn’t realized how weak she was.

  Micah gripped my hand. He knew what I was feeling. Knew that I needed to borrow his strength.

  “I spoke to your brother,” she said. “I know all about it. We’re horrified, frankly. But not surprised. We’ve always known you hated taking your rightful place in the family business. It’s all your father ever wanted, and yet you…you…”

  We helped her into a chair, one of the ones still draped with a dust-cover.

  “It’s not like that,” I said. “You’re misunderstanding what’s going on here.”

  “All I know is that your brother needs you, and you’ve abandoned him. I’m sure you’re very nice, Micah, you were always a kind, obedient boy…surely you can talk some sense into Theo. Get him to see how important this is.”

  I knelt before her chair, my hands on hers. “Mother, listen to me. I’m done with choosing. All my life, I’ve had to choose. Family or friends. Family or education. Family or my dreams. And all my life, I’ve put my family first. You. I’ve put you first. With Dad gone, I knew you had no one to take care of you, and I wanted to work as hard as I could, so that you never had to worry. But now it’s gone too far.”

  “Your father…”

  “You wanted out of this house because you feel haunted by the memory, haunted by the responsibility, right? That’s how I feel. I feel like I’m obeying a ghost. I feel like I’m being asked to give up everything, except it’s not for you anymore, and it’s not for Val, it’s for something more distant than that. What is a family legacy, anyway? What does the company matter, if it just makes us all unhappy? You think Dad wanted us to be unhappy?”

  “He worked so hard, Theo.”

  “He did. And he loved every minute of it. He knew I wouldn’t love it. That’s why he’d agreed to pay for art school in Paris. It’s just…when he died, who was going to take care of you? You were a wreck. Val was… I don’t know how to put it. Val can’t survive outside his office. He doesn’t understand anything about the world. You both needed me to stay, and to work. But now you need something else. You need me here, with you, while you get your treatments. Not a thousand miles away, trying to keep together a company that I don’t care about.”

  She leaned forward and whispered, as though she didn’t want Micah to hear. And what she whispered broke my heart.

  “I’ve been so confused lately. I didn’t want to tell anyone. I don’t want their pity. Can you imagine how awful, for Mildred and Consuela to pity me? I forget things. I have to make lists. The doctors say it will only get worse, unless the treatment works. Nicholas has been so good to me, but I want him to go away too. I don’t want anyone to see me like this, Theo. I’ve been strong my entire life. I don’t want to be remembered like this, forgetful, confused.”

  “We’re going to get you the help you need,” I said. “You just have to… I need you on my side, Mother. I need you to say it’s okay not to be in the company anymore. I need you to say it’s okay that I’m staying here, with Micah.”

  She glanced up at Micah, then turned back to me. “He’s very handsome.”

  “I know. I love him, Mother. I’m not going to leave him, either. Not for the company. Not for anything. You understand, don’t you?”

  “You’ll stay with me?” she asked. I don’t think I’d ever heard fear in my mother’s voice before. “You’ll be with me when I see the doctors.”

  “Yes,” I said. “I will be there for you.”

  She patted my hand. “Good. Is Val terribly angry at you?”

  “Oh, I’ve never seen him like this. I think I’m going to stay away from him for a few weeks.”

  “I’ll speak to him.”

  “Mother, there’s just one other thing. While we’re here.”

  She must have heard the tone in my voice. She looked at me curiously…warily. “What is it?”

  “I want the house. I want the lake.”

  “But I—”

  “No, you don’t have to stay here, that’s fine. But I want it. I need… I need the stability. I’ll buy it from you.”

  She shook her head. “So many memories. You don’t want this place. It ties you down.”

  “No, not me,” I said. “My memories are all good, here. And I need something good in my life, something to share with Micah.”

  I turned my head. “Um, that part’s okay with you, isn’t it?” I asked him. “I forgot to ask.”

  Micah beamed. “I get to live in the big house? Can I finally sit on the drawing room sofa?”

  With a smirk, I reached out for him.
I stood, wrapping my arm around his shoulder. “I feel like I need to start my life over again,” I said to Mother, “and this is where I want to do it. I know it’s painful for you here, so you don’t have to stay. You can be free.”

  “Free,” she said, her fingers pinching at the dust-cloth on the chair. “I wonder what that will be like?”

  We were sitting on the dock. Shoes off, pants cuffs rolled up, feet dangling into the cool water.

  “So, I met this guy,” started Micah.

  “What? I’m already jealous.”

  “No, no, not like that. He’s working to save the wetlands in Corinth. He’s up against my former client. And he’s going to need help. Braddock Moore can afford a lot of legal muscle, and it’s going to be hard for this guy’s group to stand up against Moore.”

  “Hey, you’ll get to save the owls after all! Wait, are there owls there? Maybe you’ll save the ducks instead.”

  Micah laughed. “I want to save everything. I want everyone to have a chance to enjoy…this.” He waved out over the lake. “Nature. Water. The animals. Everything we grew up with.”

  “You’re a man on a mission. I like that.”

  I wasn’t kidding. I could feel Micah’s energy sizzling off him, and it was incredible to see.

  “What about you?” he asked me.

  “Well, I mentioned art school. But I don’t know. For a while, I think I just want life to be quiet. I’ve spent so much time entertaining investors, clients, vendors, everyone. Maybe I’ll just spend some time standing out here, painting the lake. Set my easel right here.”

  Micah reached over for me, and brushed the back of his fingers against my cheek. “Or you could finally finish painting me.”

  “Do you think you could sit still long enough?” I laughed.

  “Maybe you could do one of those old-style portraits. I’ll wear a black suit and glower at you, you’ll make me look like I’m from the 1800s.”

  “Is it weird to you?”

  “The black suit?”

  I shoved him, then pulled him back. “No, you ridiculous thing. This. The future. Do you know how long it has been since I’ve really thought about the future? How long since I’ve hoped for it?”

  “Same here,” he said. “I feel like I’ve been stuck in an endless present for so long, scared to look forward to anything, scared to hope for anything.”

  “No more of that,” I said. “No more sitting around worrying about traumatic partings. No more putting off the future. It’s time to start dreaming again.”

  He laughed, and I looked over at him.

  “Did I say something funny?” I asked.

  “It’s just, the thing about dreams is, they require a lot of practicality up-front. There’s so much to do. If you want me to live here, I’ve got to pack my stuff…but…um…what about my mom?”

  “Oh god, you’re right,” I said. “I mean, she can stay here, obviously. If she wants to.”

  He nodded. “I’m glad you said that. Although…I don’t really want her to be a housekeeper. That would get a little weird, a grown man asking his mom to dust and vacuum.”

  “I sure as hell hope you’re not going to ask me to vacuum,” I said. “I’m an artist, not your maid! But yeah, why can’t she just live here? Consuela too, if she wants to.”

  He sighed, but it was a relieved sigh, and the little worry-lines between his eyes finally softened. “I’m glad. Oh god, I need to talk to Bernard, as far as he knows, I’m still representing Braddock! Theo, there’s so much to do!”

  I tugged him toward me, and I kissed him again.

  “You can wait five minutes,” I said. “You can just be with me, before life gets busy again. Go on, look at the water. Look how peaceful it is. Remember how we used to sit here and watch the sun go down? We can finally do that again.”

  And after the sun went down, it would just be me and him, alone together, an idea that excited me down to my core.

  Maybe we needed to celebrate all this good news.

  I pushed him back until he was lying on the dock, looking up at me.

  “I thought you told me to look at the water,” he said, a wicked smile on his face.

  “Ehh, I changed my mind. The water will still be there tomorrow. Look at me instead.”

  “Will you still be there tomorrow?”

  I kissed him again. “You know I will. Tomorrow, and forever.”

  32

  Epilogue: Next Summer

  “Okay, I want your honest opinion,” said Theo, ushering Micah into the studio.

  “C’mon, don’t say that,” Micah said. “You always hate it when I’m honest.”

  “Good point. I want your encouraging, yes-man opinion.”

  “Got it!”

  The breakfast room really had the best light in the house, with its southern exposure and broad windows, and so that’s where Theo had set up his studio, moving the table and sideboard out of the way, and bringing in all his equipment.

  Micah usually stayed out of here, unless he was modeling for a picture. It was Theo’s private sanctum, and he respected that artistic need for a little space all his own. Besides, modeling usually just seemed like a pretext; the second Micah disrobed and posed, Theo was all over him.

  I thought you were going to paint me.

  Hush, don’t move, I’m trying to get you into just the right position…

  Wait a second, that’s not a paintbrush.

  But that wasn’t why he’d dragged Micah in today. The reason for that was on an easel next to the window.

  “Is that it?” Micah asked.

  “Come see.”

  With a flourish, Theo removed the cloth from his painting.

  Three baby owls peeked out from the canvas, with their mother sitting beside them, looking proud, her sharp talons gripping the bark of the branch they stood on.

  They looked so real, Micah almost expected them to fly off. Their huge eyes stared at Micah, wet and shining in the moonlight. There was something so noble about them, and yet huggable at the same time.

  “Oh my god,” he said to Theo. “They’re so…soft.”

  “Wouldn’t you donate money to save something that cute?” Theo said. “The down was so hard to paint. You wouldn’t believe how tiny the brush is that I used. The tip is smaller than a toothpick.”

  Micah leaned forward, putting his face right next to the canvas. “I can see every little bit of fluff. Taggart is going to love this. The whole nature society will.”

  Theo beamed proudly. “Just doing my part to save the world.”

  “It’ll be the centerpiece of the party,” said Micah. “The star of the show.”

  “Maybe we should have a swim,” he said. “Just to celebrate.”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” said Micah, “there’s so much to do—”

  But Theo had already grabbed his hand, and was pulling him outside.

  There was always this: The lake. The sun. The feeling of the wind as you ran down the dock, hurling yourself into the air.

  It made you feel young again. Like you could fly.

  And even though some practical side of your mind tried to tell you, there’s so much to do, we have to get the house ready, the party is important, donors will be there, even though you know the caterers will be here soon, and the waitstaff, and just everything—

  Even with all that, there is a moment when you are flying, touching him with only your fingers as you leap out into space, the lake rising to greet you with its warmth.

  Their heads underwater, the green world, the world of rumbling silences, of tiny green fish that dart away from you. Micah keeps his eyes open and studies this green world, watches as Theo stays under the surface, swimming, his lithe sun-dappled body slipping away from him. All Micah can do is follow, lost in the love he feels for this man. It hurts to be away from him even for a second.

  Gasping, they burst from the water, and the surface breaks around them like shards of perfect glass, picking up every ray of sun, scatteri
ng it around them. He’s learning to see through Theo’s eyes, to understand what it means to study the light, to have an instinctive urge to name colors. It has made him love this place that much more.

  It’s so warm.

  It’s gorgeous. Come here.

  No, you come here. Laughing, pulling at one another. Legs entwine, and they sink again.

  There are places here where one can stand up, just shallow enough to stand and breathe, deep enough to conceal the rest of your body below the water.

  They are re-learning all of these places. Places where Theo can wrap his legs around Micah. Where he can cling to him. Where, with a few deft motions—

  That feels so good, god, go slow, just as slow as you can.

  The water welcomes them. It feels so natural to be here.

  How much contact can they make, how close can they get? Theo’s face is buried in Micah’s shoulder. Their chests are touching, so that Micah can feel the tensing and releasing of Theo against him.

  I love it when you are inside me. It’s all I ever want, the only thing in the world.

  Micah has taken over the study. It’s where he does his work, when he’s not up in Corinth. But even that room is not safe, when Theo is around. He’ll walk in, just to say hello, and before Micah knows it, the hunger has overcome him, and he has pushed Theo down onto the sofa.

  It’s so hard to get work done around this man. Better to give up all pretense, and be out here in the water, with the sun falling around his shoulders, his hands pressed against Theo’s lower back, feeling the muscles as he plunges down onto Micah.

  I can’t…oh god, I can’t hold back.

  No one’s asking you to.

  Theo…Theo, I’m going to…I’m going to…

  A whimper, a hum, a sound deep in the throat as his body gives in to the pleasure, as his hands find Theo’s hips and force him down, perfecting the connection between them. It drives Theo mad when he does this, Theo who cannot withstand the feeling of Micah going deep, and he pants against Micah’s shoulder, feeling his own body wracked with this climax, as though there’s only one, and they share it between them, passing it back and forth, bodies turning into conduits of absolute joy.