Thinking of You

by Rachel Kane

  Are you sure? Because you look a little nervous. Touching Val’s eyebrows, smoothing them down. Fingers to jaw, fingers to lips. If it weren’t for the urgency, if it weren’t for his need, maybe they’d just lie here all night, staring at one another, small kisses and murmured words.

  I’ve never done anything like this before.

  (It’s okay, Charlie thinks, I’ve never felt like this before. It’s the first time for me too, if you look at it that way.)

  The practicalities are interesting to Val, and he’s watching, he’s learning.

  This might be a little cold, but just go with it, okay? You’re going to feel like tensing up, and that’s fine, but—

  Oh my god, Charlie…oh my god.

  That gasp, closing his eyes, as Val sinks into pure sensation. He wants to watch, but he also wants to feel, and feeling is winning the battle right now.

  His body is softening under Charlie’s touch. He’s relaxing, he’s giving way. So much trust. What does it mean to have someone trust you like this? It goes both ways. That’s what Charlie is realizing. Val’s letting him do this because he can be trusted not to try to control Charlie, not to domineer him. Letting Charlie take the lead…

  …one finger at a time. The gasp, Val’s fingers clenching the duvet, oh no, yes, okay, yes, can you, can you—

  It’s a dance, isn’t it, a balancing act, knowing just how far to push someone, how much to give them all at once. He wants to take it too far, because his whole soul is saying further go further, but he dances back from that edge, gingerly stepping away, because he has to give Val time.

  And when it’s time, when those murmured words are said, when things are adjusted and everyone’s ready, there’s a moment. Here he is, at the precipice, so hard it’s all he can do to keep himself under control. It’s one deep breath, a gentle touch on Val’s back, and then…

  They both sighed, a languorous sound, as if they were feeling the exact same thing at the exact same moment. Val pushes against him, he wants more of Charlie, and Charlie is more than willing to give it to him, a hand on each of Val’s hips to guide himself forward, a gasp at the tightness, a groan at the way his cock is buried inside his lover.

  He’s slow. Oh, he wants to be violent, he wants to pound and thrust, but he knows he has to save that. Right now it’s what Val needs, something gentle. It’s driving Charlie crazy, though.

  In the end it’s Val who speeds things up. He shoves himself against Charlie. His jaw is tight, he’s full up, there’s no room inside him for everything he feels, and Charlie sees that, he knows what’s coming, and he urges Val on.

  Oh god Charlie, says Val, and when his orgasm wracks him, Charlie can feel that too. It’s like being clenched in the grip of a god. There is no holding back. There is no going slow. Not now.

  He is holding on for dear life, he is lost, absolutely lost, this passion, this desire, this closeness, it’s all just too much, and with a cry of overpowering delight he shoves one last time deep into Val.

  17

  Val and Charlie

  “I would like you to meet my family,” I told Charlie. I could have laughed, the way he tensed up when I said it.

  The tree was still undecorated, the lights still on the floor. He had on one of my shirts, which absolutely enveloped him; it had slipped off one shoulder, and all I wanted to do was kiss that exposed skin. He was leaning against me, both of us sleep-deprived, our coffee steaming. I knew he had to go soon, and I didn’t want him to. I wanted him to quit his job so I could take care of him…and knew that if I even hinted at that, he’d instantly refuse.

  “Isn’t it a little soon for that?” he asked.

  “Is it? I want Theo to meet you, so he knows you’re real.”

  He groaned and stretched and nuzzled closer to me. “Forget families. I don’t want a family. Can’t I just have you?”

  “You know, I’ve never asked you about your family.”

  “I’m glad for that.”

  “It’s very remiss of me,” I said.

  “No, god, please. No families.”

  I chuckled and pulled him closer.

  This was a strange thing to me. Having someone closer, instead of trying to keep them at arm’s length. It was something I’d never experienced before.

  I guess I was having all my lifetime’s firsts, compressed into a short, short time.

  It wasn’t just sex. I blushed to even think about what we’d done last night. When Charlie had finally dozed off around four this morning, I’d crept out of bed and carefully disposed of all the condoms we’d used. My whole body still tingled from the things he introduced me to.

  But it was more than that. So much more. I wanted him to be around me constantly. Maybe that’s not healthy, maybe it’s the obsessive part of me that I’ve been warned about time and again. I didn’t care.

  What hurt was to have our time together interrupted. Today went much like yesterday: Looking at the time, realizing the hour had come for us to part. Today I didn’t beg him to stay, as much as I wanted to.

  But nor could I just sit in my house and wait for him to come home.

  Especially because I had a plan for the day, a plan I couldn’t mention to him. I couldn’t breathe a word about it.

  * * *

  “You want me to track someone.” Micah looked at me skeptically.

  “I know you’ve done it before,” I said.

  “You’re not going to make Micah run a background check on your…your elf,” said Theo.

  Theo’s house was even brighter now, with all the decorations in place. So many lights, ribbons, boughs. I was surprised they hadn’t covered the floors in fake snow.

  No, I shouldn’t be sarcastic about that. If I tried looking at it through Charlie’s eyes, I knew that he would find this house beautiful.

  “Not Charlie,” I said. “His manager. A man named Rumson.”

  “Oh hell, Val, what have you got yourself into?”

  “You know, I wasn’t asking for your help,” I said to Theo. Turning back to Micah I said, “I know you’ve done this sort of thing before for clients. I need to know all about this man. His weaknesses.”

  “Come on,” said Theo. “You can’t storm in here demanding information, and not expect us to have questions. I knew this elf would turn out to be trouble.”

  “The complicating factor,” I told Micah, “is that no one can know about this. It has to be absolutely confidential.”

  That changed the atmosphere of the room even further. Theo looked on the verge of shouting, Micah looked concerned, and me? I felt the weight of guilt in my heart.

  Charlie would be furious if he knew I was doing this. I couldn’t allow him to know…but I couldn’t allow Rumson to hurt him, either.

  I’m not good with these kinds of ethical questions. How do you help someone who needs your help, but refuses it? What’s the best thing to do? What is the moral thing to do?

  Or maybe I was lying to myself about that. Maybe it was just sick jealousy, the idea of another man touching my Charlie. Maybe this was a primal rage posing as a civilized request, and what I really wanted to do was punch Rumson, stomp him, make sure he never bothered Charlie again.

  But I’m not a bruiser. I’m an organizer. A planner. You have to play to your strengths.

  “Val, can we—”

  “I swear to god, Theo, if you ask to speak to me privately one more time, I will wring your neck. No more stepping away for quiet talks. I love Charlie, and Rumson is a threat, and I want him out of the way. There, is that simple enough for you? Is that enough information to get things started? Or do I have to hear a lecture about how I’m doing everything wrong, how I don’t understand relationships, how I don’t know what love is because my mind works a different way than yours? What’s the objection going to be, Theo?”

  “Whoa, shit, back the fuck down,” said Theo, raising his hands. “What the fuck ever, man. If you want to throw yourself at this guy—”

  “Consider me thro
wn.”

  “Then deal with the complications yourself. Don’t drag my boyfriend into it.”

  Micah looked over at him. “I don’t mind, Theo. And honestly, I think you’re being unfair to Val.”

  Theo groaned. “Not you, too.”

  “I mean, he’s got a point, doesn’t he? You’re constantly telling him to get out into the world…and so he did. And he met a guy. That’s good news. Isn’t it, Val? Are you happy?”

  “Am I…?” I thought about it. How to put it. “I am…ecstatic. I’ve never felt like this before, in my entire life. And I know Theo’s worried about it, but why? What’s the worst that’s going to happen? Someone’s going to bilk me out of millions? That’s an unrealistic fear.”

  “No,” said Theo, “I worry that you’re going to get your heart broken, that’s what scares me.”

  I shrugged. “So what if I do? It’s happened to you too, hasn’t it? It’ll be a learning experience. But… You should meet him, Theo. You should. He’s good. Deep in his heart, he is good.”

  “A Christmas elf.”

  “Yes.”

  He sighed. “But look at you, Val. Does he know you’re here? No. You’re saying you’ve fallen in love with this guy, and yet five minutes later you’ve got a big secret from him. That seems like a bad idea.”

  “I know,” I said. “It has been weighing on me. But I don’t know what else to do. This manager has been pawing at him, assaulting him.”

  Micah raised an eyebrow. “Charlie doesn’t want to go through normal channels to deal with it?”

  “He doesn’t want to deal with it at all,” I said.

  “Then…isn’t that his choice?”

  “What if I promise not to do anything with the information?” I said. “What if I just…have it? Whatever you can find on Rumson. The dirt, to use a figure of speech. I’ll file it away, in case it ever becomes necessary to use it.”

  Now Micah looked at Theo. “What say you? I can do the background checks, but not if it starts a big fight between us for Christmas. It’s hard enough keeping you and your mom from being at each other’s throats.”

  Theo let out a long, long breath. “Fine. Do it. But Val, here’s the deal. If Micah does this, then I get to meet Charlie. Face-to-face. You’re going to let me talk to this guy who is suddenly tangled in your life, and you’re not going to try to control the conversation or anything. I want to get to know him.”

  I wanted to object. Charlie had just told me, no families. So I was breaking another rule. But it was for the greater good, so I had to tamp down that awful discomfort I had whenever I found myself breaking rules.

  “Deal,” I said.

  But there was no rush of relief, as we might have during a business deal, when the contracts are finally signed and all the hands are shaken. No sense that business had been concluded. Instead there was an awful fear that I might have started something here, something troublesome whose outcome I could not foresee.

  * * *

  It’s a day for brothers. Of course Charlie doesn’t know what Val is up to, but he has his own visit, when Tag drops by during lunch.

  It’s like he summoned his brother by demanding no family.

  On the other hand, there’s nobody (except Val) that he’d rather see right now, because this morning has been shit.

  It came from an unexpected direction. On the way here, in the heated comfort of Val’s big car, he’d worried that Rumson would hunt him down, give him hell over some imagined infraction, even though this morning he was absolutely on time. He found himself tensed up, changing in the bathroom, checking the mirror to see if the door behind him was going to open.

  It sucked, too, because last night had been incredible, and all he wanted to do was think about it. Val was…wow. It’s always the buttoned-down ones that surprise you, isn’t it? Charlie had never met anyone as enthusiastic, as tireless and tender at the same time. He honestly believed Val could keep going for the entire night, on into morning, without a break. Charlie, of course, had a simple human body, and it needed rest, fluids, breakfast…and maybe a few minutes when his cock wasn’t getting a workout.

  That’s what he’d like to think about. He wants to sink into memory.

  It’s not going to happen.

  “What did you do?” asks Emily, when he comes out. He blinks, halfway thinking she somehow knows about last night. He almost asks Where’s Wendy? If anyone other than Rumson was going to interrupt his day, it’d have to be Wendy, right?

  He smiles. “I dunno, what’d I do this time?” But his smile fades when he realizes she’s not making a joke. “What’s wrong?”

  “Wendy called in sick this morning. Said she wasn’t sure she could come back to work at all…and she said it was because of you.”

  “Me? What do you mean?”

  Emily glares at him. A lock of red hair has tumbled down from her elf cap, and she shoves it back into place. “She likes you, dummy. She likes you a lot. But you’ve been treating her like crap.”

  He scans the hallway, like there might be more threats behind her. What the hell? Where is this coming from? Can’t he just get in the line and do his job?

  “Emily, I’ve talked to her about this, okay? I don’t know how many different ways I can tell her that I’m gay, before she listens. Do I have to show up to work in a feather boa, belting out Streisand tunes? You’ve seen how she acts around me.”

  “All I know is, you’d better call her and make things right.”

  “Make what right? I’ve already told her—”

  Emily scoffs and turns away.

  Everyone’s glaring at him today. Not the parents or the kids, of course. The mad press of people is getting thicker and louder, the closer it gets to Christmas. There’s a rumor about a fistfight in the toy store upstairs. But it’s his own elves who are furious today.

  What did Wendy tell them?

  She’s not answering her phone, and Charlie decides he doesn’t have time to talk right now anyway. There are a million kids to guide to Santa, and the line is getting longer every minute.

  “I talked to them,” Tag says. He snags a nacho from Charlie’s plate. “They’re…what’s a good word for it? They’re amenable. They really do want to see you, little brother.”

  Any other day, Charlie might’ve argued with the idea of seeing his parents again. But after the morning he had? He’d been so happy to see Tag that he’d actually hugged him. Now they were in the breakroom, the one quiet place in the entire mall.

  “No lectures?” he asks.

  “They promised.”

  He considers, while swirling a nacho through the orange cheese sauce on the plate. I wonder if Val would like nachos? I bet he would. Val’s a pleasant intruder in his thoughts, the one thing that can really relax him on a day like today.

  “I think I have a boyfriend,” he tells Tag.

  “Uh-oh. Is that bad?”

  Charlie laughs, “Why would that be bad?”

  “Given your track record…”

  “No. No, this guy is different. He’s not like anyone I’ve ever known.”

  Tag slaps the table. “That’s what it is! That’s the difference!”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You’ve got a glow, little brother. I thought it was a lack of sleep—”

  “Well…”

  “—but it’s a guy. I hope he’s a good one.”

  “I think he is.”

  “When do I get to meet this young fellow?”

  “Um…never?” There’s no reason that should be funny, but maybe the lack of sleep, plus all the stress at work, is making everything funny, because Charlie can’t stop laughing.

  “You don’t want him to meet the folks?”

  “Can you imagine me bringing a boyfriend to see Mom and Dad? They’d be all, Did Charlie tell you that he never finished school, and has no prospects? Maybe you can talk him into going to tech school.”

  Tag puts on his best stern expression and raises a f
inger. “I’ll remind you that they promised not to do that.”

  “Yeah. I’ll believe it when I see it. Or hear it. Or, rather, don’t hear it. But no, nuh-uh, we’re not doing a Meet The Families thing yet. I’ll see Mom and Dad, but I’ll do it the old-fashioned away, with nobody to protect me but my big brother.”

  “You know what your problem is, Charlie?”

  “Ooh, I’ve been wondering! Tell me what it is.”

  Tag laughs. He grabs another chip, and flicks a jalapeno slice off of it. “You need to learn to be harsh with people. You’ve got to learn to bite heads off.”

  “Ah, truly one of the great moral lessons of our time.”

  “Seriously, I would’ve never put up with it if Mom and Dad had gone after me like that.”

  “They never would go after you like that. You’re their beloved. The one who got things right.”

  “I just mean… You know, some of these guys you’ve told me about, you should’ve stood up to them. Given them hell. Same with the folks. Instead, you withdraw, you run off and hide. I used to think it was because you’re afraid of conflict, but I don’t think that’s it. I think it’s something deeper than that.”

  “Life is short. Who has time to listen to someone criticize them?”

  “All right, all right. End of sermon. But when will you see them? I can drive you over.”

  Charlie would answer, but there’s something going on. Rumson has stopped by the door of the break room. He looks in. He sees Tag with Charlie, and he scowls at them both. Taps his watch and gestures back at Santa’s Village.

  “Guess it’s time for me to go,” says Charlie.

  “Don’t think you’re getting out of this. It’s Christmas, and we’re all going to be a family together.”

  “I already agreed, didn’t I? I’ll call you.”

  “Mall rules are clear,” says Rumson, keeping step beside Charlie. “No fraternizing during work hours.”

  “That was my lunch break,” he says. “And also, it was my brother.”

  “Oh, I thought it was another of those boyfriends of yours.” There’s acid in Rumson’s voice. He’s not as scary out here in the open. Charlie has decided he’s never going to be in a small closed room with him again. Out here in the mall is fine.