by Lynn Donovan
“Do you honestly feel that way?”
“William! You are my husband! ’Til death do us part, remember? If neither of us is dead, then we are still married.” She forced a smile. “We will figure the rest out.”
Tears sprang into William’s eyes. “Are you sure? I know we married under unusual circumstances. I don’t want you to feel obligated to a husband who cannot provide for you.”
“What are you talking about? The lighthouse provides for me, for us. Are you telling me that with this… injury, you can’t manage to run a lighthouse?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never worked in a lighthouse.”
“Well, I have. Ever since Poppa had his stroke, Momma and… mostly me, I have maintained the lighthouse. We will figure out how to best accommodate your needs. But, as long as you can get around, you can help keep the lamp burning at night. As long as we do that, Poppa receives his pay and housing. So I really do not see a problem here.” She shoved her fists onto her hips.
William drew in a deep breath. He chewed on his lip, thinking, deciding. “Alright. But if at any time you decide you do not want to be married to a lame husband, you just say the word, and I’ll leave.”
“William McLaughlin, you will never hear those words come from my mouth. We are married and we will remain married, until death do we part.”
He shook his head. “Woman, you are stubborn. I guess that works in my favor, though. Let’s go get my paperwork and go home.”
“Actually…” Louise stopped outside of the recruiting office. “The kids have a pageant at school and I promised them I’d attend, since Momma and Poppa cannot. Do you feel up to it?”
William pulled a brown bottle from his breast pocket. “I have this for pain, but it makes me sleepy. I suppose I can wait until we get home to take it.”
“I don’t want you to suffer.” Louise stared at the bottle. “But the kids—”
“I won’t lie to you. I’m not comfortable.” He looked around. His fellow comrades entered the office with their wives. He and Louise were the last standing in the street. He inhaled deeply. “I’m home, that’s all that matters.” He struggled with a hop sideways. “The kids are important. Let’s take care of this final matter and attend their pageant, and then go home.”
She smiled at him, but concern filled her heart. Should she just go get the kids out of school and take William home? It would be best for her husband. But her siblings had looked forward to performing in this Spring Pageant for several weeks. And to have William attend also, would be very special to them. “Are you sure?”
“I am.” He looked tired and pale. Perhaps if he were to sit as much as possible he wouldn’t be so weary. If he could just get through this one event before they went home, then he could go to bed and rest the remainder of the day.
Sergeant Caffey waited to receive the discharged soldiers. Louise insisted William sit on a bench to wait his turn. She sat with him. “Does it hurt?”
He pursed a smile. “Some.”
She nodded and waited for the sergeant to complete William’s paperwork. Soon they could leave. She still worried over what to do. She had promised L.J. and the twins she’s be there for them. Was William up to attending a pageant? He looked exhausted.
“William, are you sure you feel up to attending this Spring Pageant?”
William shrugged with a huge sigh. “Not really.” He winced. “Is there anyway we could just go home?”
Louise held his gaze. What should she do? She’d promised the kids. But her husband needed rest.
“Oh gosh, I promised my brother and sisters. Perhaps there’s somewhere you could wait and rest. I’ll come get you when they are finished and then we’ll all go home.”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” He pursed his lips. “Maybe here at the recruiting office. I’ll just wait here. You come get me when you’re ready to head to the island.”
Louise hesitated. Was he mad at her for insisting on seeing the school program? Or was he truly alright with waiting. She nodded. “I’ll be back as soon as they are finished.”
She walked away, but her heart remained with him. Was this the right decision? She didn’t know him well enough to know if he were angry. But if he was angry at her for this, they could talk about it later. Her siblings had worked so hard on their performance, she just could not see punishing them to accommodate William. If he’d be alright waiting at the recruiting office, like he said he was, it would be alright for her to go watch their performance.
5
Louise held her sisters’ hands as they skipped and walked to the recruiting office. The twins were so excited to see William. They still wore their flower headdress to show him. L.J. ran ahead to get there first. Louise had warned him that her husband’s leg had been amputated, but none of them seemed to worry about that. They were so excited to see him again. Their excitement affected Louise. Her concern seemed to disappear in their joy as she hurried with the twins to where William waited.
“He’s asleep.” L.J. rushed out of the building. Louise’s glee swamped with worry. She let go of the twins hands and entered the building. William sat leaned up against a corner, his head bent and drool trickled down the side of his chin. A pungent smell rose from his mouth. Had he taken the laudanum?
“William?” she spoke softly.
Sergeant Caffey entered from the back room. “Yeah. He’s been asleep for a while. I figured I’d just let him rest ’til you guys got back.”
Guilt and shame filled Louise’s heart. “I’m sorry. The kids… had a program—” How could she explain the decision she’d made. “We’ll take him home.”
The sergeant pressed his face into Williams. “Hey. Corporal! Wake up. Your ride’s here.”
William blinked heavily, lifted his head and looked around. His eyes looked glazed over. He didn’t act like he recognized Louise or L.J. or the girls. He smacked his lips and closed his eyes again, leaning his head back against the wall.
“Oh, William. Please wake up. We need to go home now.”
Lisa and Lena whimpered a sob. “Is he alright?”
“I don’t know.” Louise shrugged. “I think he has taken some of the pain medicine and it makes him sleepy.”
L.J. stood as tall as he could. “Well, let’s help him to the boat.”
“Yes. We will need to help him.” Louise took William under one shoulder and L.J took his other, the girls carried his crutch. “Come on, William.” Louise coaxed. “Wake up. We are going home now.”
William woke again and struggled to stand, with their help. He was heavy and weak. It took every ounce of strength Louise had to hold him up, with L.J.’s help and to maneuver him down to the dock where her rowboat was moored. The twins cried all the way. “Girls. Please. It’s all right.”
L.J.’s lip trembled, but he held his emotions inside. Louise felt a sense of pride in how brave her brother was managing to be.
Putting William into the boat proved to be a whole different and difficult task. It was like tossing a long, loose sack of beans into a crate. Louise had no idea how she was going to row the boat and help hold him upright. Finally she and the girls, positioned him at the bow, propped at the point, and seated on the deck of the boat. At least this way, with his arms over the sides of the boat, he was held upright. Her siblings sat on the benches as they normally did, but the three of them faced William, to make certain he didn’t slide down.
Louise took her position with the oars and moved the five of them out into the harbor toward the lighthouse. William twitched and jerked as the waves tossed him about. Lisa screamed as he lunged toward the port side. Louise threw down the oars and rushed to him just in time to keep him from falling overboard. The twins began crying again, and this time, Louise let them. It was all she could do to keep from joining them. L.J.’s lip still trembled, but he kept his chin stiff and took over rowing.
At last, they reached the island. Now to get her husband out of the boat and into the house. It was an uphill, rocky climb
. One she made every day at least twice a day, but with a heavily drugged amputee it was a whole new ordeal. Thank God L.J. was a big enough boy to help although he was exhausted from rowing over half of the way.
Her mother met them at the door. She instantly burst into tears, too. Louise bit her lip and stayed her own tears. She had too much to do to get William settled before she could allow herself a good cry.
“Let’s put him on the divan for now, Momma.” Louise tipped her head toward the sitting room. “Could you get him a blanket?”
Momma quickly climbed the stairs and hurried back with a quilt and a pillow. Louise positioned her husband on the divan, placed the pillow under his head, and tucked the quilt over his body. She turned to her mother’s worried face. “He’s home.”
Momma pursed her lips. “Yes. Thank the Good Lord. But, Louise? This is all we need. Another man who needs constant care and cannot help run the lighthouse.”
Louise glared at her mother. “William is not like Poppa. He’s going to recover and be a good husband.”
Momma lifted her brow with doubt. “Well, I hope your right.”
The twins clung to Louise’s side, crying. Momma just stared at them. Her lip trembled and tears pooled in her eyes. She turned abruptly and rushed up the stairs. Louise held her chin firm as her momma disappeared upstairs. She comforted the twins as best she could. L.J. was no where to be seen. Had he escaped outside? Did anybody believe Louise that William was going to be alright? She glanced at her sleeping husband. Was she fooling herself?

Sharing a room with her siblings was no longer appropriate for her. With William home, she needed to make arrangements for them to have privacy. While William slept under the heavy influence of the laudanum, Louise cleaned out the storage room upstairs, moving all the oil and lamp supplies down into the root cellar under the back stoop. Momma remained in her bedroom tending to Poppa. The twins tried to help but the oil containers proved to be too heavy for them. L.J. helped once he came back inside, but Louise had already completed most of the heavy work. L.J.’s eyes and nose were red but she didn’t say anything to him about it. He was at that age where boys didn’t admit to having sentimental emotions.
Louise swept the room and cleared cobwebs from the ceiling. She was exhausted, her limbs ached and her back muscles burned. Clearing out this room to give her and William their own bedroom was not the most efficient arrangement for tending the lighthouse lamp. Before, she could simply carry the oil and supplies down the hall from the storage room to the lamp. Now she would have to carry it from the cellar, up two flights of stairs, twice a day… three or even four in bad weather. And there were many foul-weather days in Newport Harbor. She sighed at the thought of all the extra work.
Perhaps at dusk, she would bring enough to refill the oil at midnight, too, and leave it on the landing near the lamp. That way, when she rose in the middle of the night, it would be a quicker procedure and she would be able to slip back into bed sooner. Having the room for her and William was worth all the extra effort. Their privacy was important, once he was well enough to climb the stairs.
Louise had dreamed of the day when her husband came home. Soon they would sleep together like a normal married couple. The thought of that made her tummy feel strange. She knew it was inevitable once William grew stronger. It thrilled her and terrified her at the same time. He had to sleep downstairs for a while and she was glad about that. Guilt swamped her gut for having such thoughts, but she needed more time to get used to the idea that they were married.
The storage room was about seven feet by ten, large enough for her bed and her small dresser but no more. She had to leave her chifforobe in the children’s room. Momma and Poppa’s bedroom and her siblings’ room were larger, about twelve by twelve feet. The twins slept in one small bed and L.J. had a hammock he secured with eye-bolts in the studs of the wall and hung above where Louise’s bed had been. Now he could lower it, if he wanted, but she left it up high.
Exhaustion consumed her. What with rowing to and from Newport, struggling with William, and preparing the room for the two of them, she had done all she could for now. If L.J. wanted his room any different than how it had been, he’d have to do it himself. Slipping downstairs to check on William, she confirmed he was still asleep and returned to her new room to lie down for a well-deserved nap.
Shortly, a crash downstairs woke her. She leapt off her bed and rushed down. William was sprawled out on the floor, beside him a lamp lay broken.
“What happened?” Louise rushed to him.
William looked dazed and bewildered. “Where am I?” He muttered. She helped him turn over, and return to the divan, sitting on the edge beside him.
“You are at Lime Rock Lighthouse. You’re home.” She smiled, then frowned. “Are you alright?”
William drew in a deep breath. “Yes. I’m sorry I broke the lamp.”
Louise glanced at the broken glass, the spilled oil, and the battered shade. “It’s alright.” She sighed. “I’ll clean it up.”
“No. I’ll get it.” William barked. “I can do things for myself, Louise.”
“Well, sure. But are you… still sleepy?”
His brow knitted. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing.” She leaned back. “You took some laudanum at the recruiting office and you were right, it makes you sleepy. We nearly didn’t get you home without you drowning in the ‘arbor.”
He paused, staring at nothing. “I don’t remember.”
“No, I’m sure you don’t. That stuff really knocks you out, doesn’t it?”
He glared at her. “It helps with the pain.”
“Perhaps so, but my understanding is that it is very dangerous and should be taken with great caution.”
“Let’s chop your leg off and see how cautious you are about suppressing the pain.”
Louise cocked her head back. “I’m not saying—”
“No. You shouldn’t say anything. You have no idea what I’ve been through.”
“No, I don’t.” She stood from the divan.
This was nothing like the homecoming she had imagined all those months since their wedding. She’d imagined rejoicing and being a nervous bride. Dreamy walks around the small island with long talks about his experiences in the war. Never had she fathomed this anger and flip-flopping emotions. He was brave and strong one minute, then hostile and accusatory the next.
Forcing herself to not stomp away, she continued. “But I’m willing to listen. Tell me. How can I help you recover?” She bit her lip to stifle the tears that threatened to fall.
“Just leave me alone.” William turned his face from her. “I want to be left alone.”
Louise planted her fists onto her hips. “Well, too bad, Mister McLaughlin. It was your idea to kiss me and tell me you wanted to marry me. And it was your idea to marry me before you were shipped off to the war. Now, the Union victory at Fort Donaldson took your leg. Boo hoo! And you got sent home. So sorry! We are married! And will stay married ‘til one of us is dead.” Anger roiled in her gut. “Remember, ’til death do we part. You got that?” She drew in a breath and continued. “Now, sit up and help me by telling me what you need in order to get well.”
His eyes darted toward her but he said nothing. She bore down on him, squinting her eyes and pursing her lips. “We’ve got a lighthouse to run. The last thing we need is another invalid who cannot contribute to that mission.”
William glared at her, clinching his teeth. He remained silent for a long time. “You can’t—” He chewed his lip. “You’re my wife—”
She waited. What was he about to say? This could be a pivotal point for their marriage. He had said if ever she decided she didn’t want to be married to a lame husband, just say the word and he’d leave. This loss of a leg, she could handle. Him being in pain and needing extra attention, she could handle. But this self pity, she could not handle. Would this be the end of a marriage that never had a chance to begin?
He opened his mouth, and closed it. His glare softened. He dropped his eyes to his stub of a knee. “You’re right. I got you into this marriage. It’s not fair to you or your family to have to take care of me like this. Take me to Newport tomorrow. I’ll go back home—”
“I’m sorry. Are you dead? Did you die? You look alive to me. Sure you got shot and they cut off your leg, but William McLaughlin lived through it and he got sent home alive! Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, and get healed up. Let’s figure out a way to carry on, together. You’re lucky this lighthouse is only two stories tall. So many less stairs than a big towering lighthouse like you see on the coastline. This one is manageable, don’t you know? I’ll help you build up your strength. You think I was able to row a boat like I do now the first day we moved out here on this rock? We’ll take it one day at a time. But you got to be willing. And you got to want to.” She inhaled. “Do you want to, William?”
He lifted sad eyes to meet hers. Her gaze held his. The twins came down the stairs and halted at the landing. Somehow they knew to stay back. William glanced at them and then back to Louise. “You mean that, don’t you? You really are willing to stay married to me… like this?”
She tilted her head. “Yes. But you got to promise you’ll do your best to get well and do what you can to help run this lighthouse… with me.”
He smiled and put out his hand to shake hers. “Deal.”
6
The days slowly passed for William. Louise was right to caution him about depending on the bitter laudanum. His body craved the delirium it caused. Even weeks later, he had a desire for it. One day he made his way down to the dock and smashed the bottle against the mooring post. The brown liquid seeped into the sand. He had to get well without it, even if that meant he had to bear the pain.
He was married to a good woman, and Louise deserved to have him as a whole man with a fully cognitive mind. He would not let the loss of a leg stop him from doing what he could to help run the lighthouse. Louise showed him the basic procedures and soon he took over tending to the lamp.
