Gingerbread Spiced Daddy

by Leona Windwalker

  “You sure know a lot about candy canes.”

  He jingled his hat by shaking his head playfully. “Elf, remember?”

  “Right. And after this, you’ll go back to the North Pole,” I teased.

  He vanished then and I woke up, wondering why.

  “Damn it!” I heard.

  Fucking-a! Someone was in my living room.

  “Shit, shit, shit,” I heard. “He’s home. Oh, Jack Frost, those are his car keys. I knew I shouldn’t have sat down to watch Frosty first.”

  I blinked. That sounded like Bauble. I crept down the hall, prepared to kick some ass in case I was wrong. I flicked on the light. Nope, it was Bauble all right and what the fuck was he wearing?

  “Hi?’ he said, making it a question.

  “What the hell are you doing in my apartment?” I demanded.

  “Um, I kinda needed to find out how to tell you something. It’s super important,” he blurted out.

  “Important enough to break into my damned apartment?” I demanded.

  “Okay, yeah, that was probably stupid. Only you weren’t supposed to be here and I was to be here earlier so you wouldn’t be, but Frosty came on while I was waiting for my aunt to call me back, then she did, but I had to watch Frosty Returns to see what happened next right? But I sort of fell sleep, then I woke up and–”

  “Stop!” I barked out, holding up a hand.”I don’t know what cartoons and your aunt have to do with why you decided to break into my house, just to talk to me. You could have knocked on the door.” I narrowed my eyes in suspicion. “How did you even find out where I live?”

  “Aunt Prancine and Uncle Bough work for the Department of Naughty or Nice Affairs,” he said, looking at me straight-faced while he said it.

  “Uh huh,” I said. The poor guy was crackers. Cute as hell, but absolutely one sandwich short of a picnic as my landlady back in Britain would have said. I needed to keep him calm, then find out who to call to come get him. His friend Sprinkles, maybe? “Why don’t you just sit down and tell me all about it?”

  He brightened. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I said.

  He bounced over to my sofa, and I mentally shook my head as he sat down and immediately said, all in one breath, “Well, it’s like this. I’m an elf and us elves can scent our fated mated and you smell like warm gingerbread so I know you’re mine.”

  Make that missing an entire picnic basket. This guy had been Yogi Beared.

  “Does your friend know you’re here?”

  He blinked at me in confusion. “My friend?”

  “Yeah the blond elf guy?’

  “Sprinkles?”

  “Mmhmm.”

  “Yeah. He told me I should probably have written a note asking you to eat lunch with me or something so I could ask you questions, stuffing it into your mailbox so you’d find it. But Glitter had said to find out what you like when at home, so here I am.”

  I nodded. “That note thing would have worked better,” I said, not wanting to point out it was still kind of stalkery to hunt me down without me having given him my address. “So, your aunt works at the DMV?” I figured he’d followed me out to my car, took a photo of the license plate, and she’d illegally run them through the database.

  He scrunched his face up. “I don’t know what that is,” he said.”But no, like I said, they work for the–“

  “Department of Naughty or Nice Affairs,” I finished for him.

  “Yup!” he said, giving me a happy grin. “You’re taking this much better than I expected.”

  “Let’s call Sprinkles,” I suggested. “He can come get you and you can go celebrate.”

  “Why would I want to celebrate with Sprinkles? He has a mate, her name is Bunny Peeps. She’s a Summer Elf and works in the plastic egg testing department. They can’t let them go out if the two halves don’t stay stay closed when joined.”

  “You don’t say.” I was beginning to think I might be better off calling the cops. Not because I wanted him in jail or anything, but because I thought maybe the stress of the holidays had sent him over the edge. He needed a mental health evaluation, I was sure of it. Summer elves testing plastic eggs to make sure they stayed closed during Easter egg hunts? Seriously?

  “Oh, I know that look,” he said, hopping up. “I’ve said too much all at once. Look, I’m sorry I used your fireplace to come in when you were home and all. We can talk some more after you’ve digested all this about elves being real and all.” He darted forward, kissing me on the cheek. “Night night, Daddy.”

  He started towards my unlit fireplace, glanced back at me one more time, and seeing my expression, changed course. He took the chain off the door and undid the dead bolt, then opened it, going out into the night.

  I stared at the now closed door. It had been dead bolted still, and the chain on. How the hell had he gotten in? I glanced at the fireplace. Nah…

  9

  Bauble

  “I think he’s having trouble coming to terms with the whole elf thing,” I confided to Glitter on the ride back to the motel a few days later.

  “Really?” He stroked his beard, taking one hand off of the steering wheel.

  “Yeah, he hasn’t been back to the mall since and when I went to his place yesterday, he had a note taped to the door that said, ‘Don’t come in, Bauble’. I could have gone the fireplace route, but after the way he looked at me over having used it the first time, I thought knocking on his door first was the way to go. Good thing, too. If I’d gone down the flue, I’d have missed his note and made him mad again.”

  “Maybe it’s like with Scrooge. I mean, your guy doesn’t seem selfish and mean, but maybe he is just a real serious dude who can’t quite get things through his head until he personally experiences the magic.”

  “Ghosts of Christmas,” I mused.

  “I wouldn’t scare him,” Glitter said, turning into the motel parking lot. “Try a happy memory.”

  “It’s a good idea, but how do I do that?”

  “Memory globe,” Glitter said, finding a parking space.

  “I can’t my aunt and uncle to help me with that!”

  “Just come with me,” Glitter said. “I know someone.”

  “Really?” I asked at the same time as Sprinkles.

  “Yep. Me and the current head clerk of Christmases Past go way back.”

  “Cool,” Sprinkles said, looking impressed.

  Glitter switched off the ignition. “You stay in your room, Sprinkles. If anyone asks, we’ve gone to get burritos.”

  “It’s a secret mission!” Sprinkles enthused.

  “Top Star Secret, yup,” Glitter said. “If we’re caught without clearance from The Santa and current Three Ghosts, we’ll all get enough Krampus points that we’ll be sent to Bunnyville and be sentenced to wear plush rabbit costumes and to act as junior high school dance chaperones for humans.”

  We all shuddered, even Sprinkles whose mate was a Summer Elf in Bunnyville. That combo Glitter brought up was the worst fate imaginable. There was simply no two ways about it.

  We scrambled out of the car, Sprinkles going into our room, and me following Glitter to his. Once there, he pulled out the North Pole globe. He shook it and the snow swirled, and then we were there, outside the door to the main office of Naughty or Nice Affairs.

  Glitter grabbed my arm. “Hurry, we can’t tarry here.” He pulled me down the hall at a fast clip, stopping before an ornate door. I swallowed. We were at the hallowed Hall of Christmases.

  He reached into his pocket and took out a key, inserting it into the lock.

  “You have a key?” I squeaked.

  He rolled his eyes. “How else do you think I sneak in to see him when he’s in-globe?”

  “He goes into the globes?” I stared in astonishment.

  “Where do you think those mint condition vintage toys come from?” Glitter scoffed.

  “Really?” I breathed. I’d always wondered.

  “Yes, but only ones that st
opped being played with or were unwanted and ended up stuffed in the back of a closet,” he said, opening the door.

  He pointed down a row. “Christmases Past is down there. Go down there, stand before the fireplace, say his name while thinking of him, then whisper an age. Keep your eyes closed while you do this, then wait for the fireplace to light. Once it does, open your eyes and take the globe that appears on the mantel and head back here. I’ll take us back immediately.”

  “An age? You mean, like how old he was one Christmas?”

  “Exactly. I’d do choose eight or nine. Still young for a human child but old enough to remember that particular Christmas when he revisits it.”

  That made sense, so I hurried down to do as he bid.

  10

  Cliff

  I couldn’t get the kid out of my mind. I told myself it was because he needed someone to help him, but why I thought it had to be me, I couldn’t explain to myself. I stayed away from the mall for nearly a week, then caved in because I hadn’t bought a goddamned thing to give my family. I knew I could just order it online, but that was too impersonal, I decided. So, off to the mall I went, and despite there actually being another mall a short distance away, guess which one I went to? Yup.

  I found myself in front of the grotto watching families take their kids to see Santa. Santa looked up, saw me, and after finishing with the current child’s visit, gestured for Sprinkles to come forward. Sprinkles nodded at whatever he said,and hurried towards the exit, where Bauble was holding that bucket of candy canes. Bauble looked up, surprised, but handed Sprinkles his bucket and hurried out and around to reach me.

  “You came!” he said joyfully, throwing his arms around me.

  “I did,” I said, my arms moving seemingly of their own volition, around him as well.

  He buried his face in my chest, breathing deep. “You smell like home,’ he said.

  “I thought I smelled like gingerbread, fresh from the oven,” I teased.

  “You do,” he murmured. “I’ll never be able to smell that ever again without getting hard.”

  He pressed against me and I felt it then. Shit, he was aroused. To my chagrin, I found I was as well.

  “I can’t go back like this,” he said. “They’ll think I’m a perv.”

  He was right, they probably would. “I have to go to the toy store and buy something for Laurette,” I said.

  “Your niece? The little girl who was here with you that day?”

  “The very same.”

  “Okay,” he said.

  He helped me pick out some STEM toys and dress up outfits for her, then we wandered from store to store, trying to figure out what to get my mother, sister, father, and brother-in-law. Nothing seemed right., so I finally opted for a gift card good for any store in that damned mall, one for fifty dollars for each of them.

  “Won’t they fire you for not coming back already?” I asked him as we left the customer information and services desk, suddenly noting that he’d spent nearly the whole afternoon with me. Time had flown by. With a start, I realized that I’d absolutely enjoyed every moment I’d spent with him and was feeling a little put out at the thought of us going our separate ways. Shit. He wasn’t the only one with a crush. I had to cut the ties between us, before either of us got in too deep. He was in no fit state of mind to enter into a relationship with me, for crying out loud. He thought he was an honest to God elf, from the North Pole or some shit, and could travel down chimney flues.

  He went up on his tiptoes and kissed the side of my mouth. “I’ll stop by tonight. I have something I need to show you.”

  Time to end it, now. To finish what I’d tried to do with that note on my door, and no more caving.

  “I can’t tonight,” I hedged. “I have something else on.”

  “Later, then.”

  “Another time,” I agreed. Not that there would be. I would make sure of that. We arrived back at the grotto, “Here we are. I hope they don’t fire you.”

  “They won’t,” he giggled. “They know we’re fated mates!”

  “Right,” I said, watching him go back to work. I left, my heart heavy. I hoped he found help, soon. What would happen once Christmas was over and he was out of a job? Would his fantasy crash down around him, sending him into a spiral?

  11

  Bauble

  Tonight was the night, I decided. He said he had somewhere else he had to be, but surely he would be home by ten, I reckoned. So, I went home, showered, and put on my favorite of the human non-work clothes. Then, I shrugged into the coat, slid the Christmas past globe into my coat pocket, and went outside. I knocked on Glitter’s door.

  “Decided it’s time, eh? Wondered why you were waiting so long.”

  “It’s not an easy thing to have to deal with,” I defended myself.

  “No, I suppose it’s not,” he said. My stomach growled. “You not eat yet?”

  “I skipped lunch,” I confessed. “We were having so much shopping, I forgot all about eating.”

  He reached into his mini fridge and handed me a chocolate brownie out of a tub. “Eat this on the way. You’ll feel better.”

  I took it from him. He was right. This was not a job to be faced on an empty stomach.I took big bites as we walked out to the car. I felt myself relax as the chocolatey goodness refilled my soul with mellow peace and Yuletide joy. I was ready. I was going to do this thing–reveal my true self and the meaning of Christmas to my one true fated love in one fell swoop!

  He drove me to the street Cliff’s apartment was on, parking across the street. Cliff’s drapes were open and I could see his lights were on in the living room. I sat there, staring at it his window, deciding what I would say first, before showing him the globe and taking him on his trip down memory lane. No need to hang about waiting for him, he was home, after all. Our stars were truly aligning, I just knew it!

  “Going now?” Glitter asked, his tone prompting me.

  “Yup. Looks like he had a change of plans, so might as well.” I climbed out of the car and crossed the street. I took the stairs two at a time, eager to reach my love and show him the proof he so desperately needed so he could fully accept my words as truth. Reaching his door, I knocked. I heard his steps approach the door, then walk away.

  Oh, it was like that, was it? I had no idea what his game was, but no way I backing down now. He was totally ruining my happy vibe, taking the shine right out of my glitter! It was on!I went down the steps and around the side, into the alley where their trash cans were. Making sure no one could see me, I stared up at the flue on the roof, belching out smoke. I grinned, raising my arms, using the one magic every elf possessed. I turned to smoke, and floated myself down the flue, stopping at his fireplace, then belching out into his room. I materialized as my elf self, my human appearing glamor gone.

  “Fuck!” he shouted, jumping up from the armchair in front of the fire. He had a glass of wine in his hand that he dropped, splashing red wine onto the carpet. I winced. That would be a stain hard to get out later. Oh, well, he’s the one who forced my hand.

  “I told you, I’m really an elf. This is how I actually look,” I said.

  He peered at me. “Bauble?”

  “Yeah.” I said, with a definite unsaid ‘duh’ implied by my tone.

  “Fuck me, you’re silver. And have pointy ears and shit. And your teeth.”

  I giggled. he sounded like Red Riding Hood. “Yep, we have fangs. “ I shrugged. “Makes giving the mating bite easier,” I said. “Plus it’s much easier to tear the cranberry jerky.”

  “Right,” he said faintly, sitting back down heavily and eyeing me warily.

  I reached into my pocket and held up his memory globe. “I also came to show you this,” I said. I shook it, and the snow swirled.

  “What is that? ” he asked, standing up. His chair vanished, along with the rest of the apartment. He glanced around as we arrived. “Where are we? Wait, I recognize this place. This is back when we lived in Murrayville.”


  A young boy ran into the room with a younger girl.

  “That’s me,” he whispered. “Me and Becca.”

  “Yup. “ I held the globe aloft. “Memory Globe. This is one of your Christmases Past.”

  He looked at me wide-eyed. “Can they hear us?”

  “No, and they can’t see us, either.”

  The boy was tearing open a gift. A Lite Brite box appeared.

  “Oh, shit. I loved that fucking thing. I was gutted when I was twelve and discovered my Mom had given it to the Goodwill.”

  The girl was tearing open her own now unwrapped box. “I’m gonna go bake us a cake right now!”

  “I remember that. Mom kept having to buy her mixes for that thing,” Cliff laughed.

  I knew he’d seen enough and now had an idea on what to get him for Christmas, as a gift from me. I shook the globe and the snow rose again.

  “What? But we just got here!” Cliff protested.

  “I know, but I have to get this globe back. I’ve had it for a few days already and I’m lucky nobody noticed.”

  “You stole that thing?”

  “Borrowed,” I corrected.

  “Shit, okay.” The snow settled and we were back in his apratment.

  “So, you’re a fucking elf.”

  “Yup.”

  “And I’m your fated mate.”

  “Yup.”

  “And that’s why I can’t get you out of my damned head.”

  “That’s right!”

  “And you knew because I smell like gingerbread.”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Then I might as well get to keep my present.”

  He walked over to the coffee table where I saw he had been wrapping gifts. He picked up some ribbon.

  “Hold out your hands,” he said. I complied and he tied them together.”

  He gave me a lopsided grin filled with filthy promise. “So, how do we do this? We get married or?”

  “We just have to have sex, and I give you a claiming bite, but we can have a ceremony later if you want.”