Damned Fiction

by David Kempf

  She came to slowly. “I can’t believe I did that. What a stereotypical female thing to do… faint.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Sarah. Satan and I are both here for you.”

  Sarah almost blushed.

  “Someday, the flesh will be gone and everyone shall occupy one of two realms,” Satan said.

  “Which one do you want them in?’ David asked.

  Satan grimaced.

  The television turned to static like in a certain 80’s horror film. Sarah and David were sucked up inside of it like a vacuum cleaner.

  “Where are we?” David asked.

  “I don’t know,” Sarah answered.

  The sharp dressed man appeared behind them.

  “Look,” Satan said. “You’re backstage at the debate between Nicole Arthur and Russ Pillman. Please pay attention; I want you both to remember this.”

  “Can anyone see or hear us?” David asked the devil.

  “Of courses not…”

  “So we’re like Scrooge,” She said. “In A Christmas Carol, no one could see or hear him either.

  “Exactly,” Satan said.

  The rules the debate moderator said were simple and clear. No hitting below the intellectual belt. Pillman and Arthur were veterans. They’re words were not supposed to hurt one another. This was not a daytime talk show. This was a serious debate about the corrupting nature of good and evil.

  “The root of all evil is violence. Violent images, movies and actual violence perpetrated against human beings,” said the lovely actress Nicole Arthur, stating her position.

  There was enthusiastic applause from the audience.

  “Violence is necessary in self-defense like in world wars and boxing and my favorite sport, football. I think pornography corrupts much faster than violent images,” said Russ Pillman.

  Arthur hated Russ Pillman. He was a typical conservative blowhard. He was born into a wealthy family and had no sympathy for poor people. She wanted to hit below the preverbal belt right away and point out his many sins, hypocrisies and massive shortcomings. She didn’t. Ms. Arthur wanted to save the big guns for later but sweet Jesus she hated this guy.

  “Do you stand by your reasoning, even in your personal life?” Nicole asked.

  “My life is an open book,” Russ answered haughtily.

  The television audience was laughing at him now.

  “Does that include all eight of your marriages?” Nicole asked Russ. She instantly regretted being so aggressive, so early in the game of wits. It wasn’t amusing, it was rather obnoxious.

  But Russ didn’t appear fazed. “Sure, I admit that divorce is more moral than abortion, adultery and bisexuality.”

  Nicole was both stunned and silent. So was the good old television audience but at the same time… not really.

  The moderator, a seasoned television veteran by the name of Vincent Gray was not pleased at the start of this thing. This was supposed to be about an exchange of ideas, not personal attacks. The debate was off to a vicious beginning, and it didn’t have to be.

  “Can we please not make this personal,” he said.

  “Sure,” said Russ.

  “Absolutely,” answered the lovely Nicole.

  The audience laughed.

  Gray glared at them. “Look, I love a good sense of humor but I want you guys to stick to the issue at hand.”

  “Sure, Vincent, we get it, didn’t we Russ?”

  “Certainly, Nicole, no doubts, no worries, we’ll stay on topic….”

  They were all having fun now. The studio audience and the two second rate debaters who obviously despised one another.

  “What could possibly worse than images of violence?” asked Nicole, getting back to business.

  “Sadomasochism and young girls being corrupted and embarrassed for life by spending a year or two in the spanking industry.”

  Nicole was silent.

  “Women do regret being in porn, a fair point,” said the good moderator.

  The audience remained silent.

  “What you are talking about, Mr. Pillman is actually a perverted combination of violence and sexuality together,” the actress said. “A fusion if you will. Spanking movies are cruel and sadists love to masturbate to them in the privacy of their own home. It’s a funny thing.”

  “Hilarious,” said Russ Pillman.

  “Violent sexual images and this sexually repressed puritanical society create both rapes and murderers.”

  Pillman giggled.

  “That’s the real devil’s work,” said Pillman.

  Satan smiled at Sarah and David. “She’s not familiar with my work.”

  “Violent video games don’t cause kids to kill people, Ms. Arthur, you see…”

  “No, Russ. Guns available with such ease cause that…”

  “That’s not the issue we are debating today, Nicole.”

  “The other cause is capitalism…”

  “Mao is considered the greatest mass murderer of all time—killing between 70 million and 100 million people,” said Pillman.

  “You’re on drugs, Russ,” said Nicole.

  “Nicole, they were mostly his own people,” said Russ Pillman.

  “You’ve got a lot to explain as well. Capitalism has a blood trail.”

  “Yes, Nicole but it’s not official policy….”

  Satan rolled his eyes at the talking heads on TV.

  “Guys, we’re getting way off the subject now,” said the moderator.

  Nicole and Russ nodded.

  “You two are rambling. Let me ask you some questions.”

  They both nodded to Vincent.

  “Good. Glad to see you two can at least agree on something…”

  The audience laughed.

  “First question is for Russ. Do violent images affect the subconscious?”

  “Yes. A good question, that is a good question indeed. Yes, of course they do and so do passive sexual images. We wouldn’t have commercials if this was not affecting our brains in some way. My answer is yes but I still say the sexual images have by far the most influence on our brains. We know shooting zombies is fake, although the images are often very violent. Men especially when confronted with sexual images begin to objectify women. This often leads to rape and other forms of assaults.”

  “Time’s up for that one, Russ.”

  The audience applauded.

  “Next question is for Nicole.”

  “I’m all ears,” Nicole said.

  “Only when you’re playing that Elf,” said Russ.

  “Russ, please…”

  “Sorry, Vincent…”

  The audience laughed.

  “Nicole, when bad guys like Nazis and terrorists are getting killed on the big silver screen, doesn’t promote American values and encourage military recruitment?”

  The audience was now all ears.

  “Well, you know they encourage American values; you’ll get no argument from me there. If you look at our foreign policy, there is no doubt these images get kids to join the military and kill overseas. I’m not saying we should pacifists, I’m saying that we are such cowboys. We drop too many bombs and don’t effectively follow the rules of engagement. We have a serious image problem in the world. Yes, seeing Nazis and terrorists die is exciting but our onscreen heroes aren’t even giving them due process or fair trial. Not even a damn hearing. Young boys watch this in a movie and think it’s okay to do this in real life. It’s not. You don’t have to become a monster to defeat a monster.”

  Once again, the audience gave loud, respectful applause.

  “Good answers,” said Vincent. “Which is worse, images of sex or violence?”

  A man in the back row called out: “Why can’t we have both?”

  The studio audience broke out in hilarious laughter.

  “I was waiting for that,” said the moderator.

  The audience laughed again.

  “This is quite a debate,” said invisible Sarah.

  “Pa
y attention,” Satan said authoritatively to Sarah and David.

  The laughter from the crowd was now beginning to diminish.

  “So American soldiers need to protect the rights of scumbags and evildoers?” Russ asked.

  “No, that’s not what I said, Russ.”

  “Anything you say Judas Iscariot.”

  “Oh, Russ, now please, now come on!”

  Satan laughed at this. He was officially enjoying the debate more than anyone. It made him happy to hear such sarcasm.

  “Sorry,” said Russ sincerely.

  “Well, even if you’re not sorry, I’m not hanging myself for a rightwing nut job like you,” said Nicole.

  The audience was mixed on this one, not sure whether to laugh or not. It almost felt sacrilegious to laugh at such a comment.

  “I wouldn’t expect you too, Nicole.”

  “Oh, go get stoned and get married six more times.”

  The audience did not laugh at this but Satan did…

  “Wow, and it’s almost Christmas,” said the moderator.

  The audience applauded and laughed heartily.

  “Well, merry Christmas,” said Russ.

  “Merry Christmas” Nicole Arthur said to him.

  The audience mildly applauded.

  “Well, tradition,” said the moderator.

  The audience laughed again…

  There was no understanding now between conflicting viewpoints.

  David, Sarah and the Devil himself were all bewildered…

  So was the moderator…

  “Well, now where do we begin?” Victor asked.

  “Good question,” said Russ Pillman.

  Nicole was holding her breath and counting to ten.

  Satan smiled.

  Sarah Nolan thought there must be certain benefits from all of this chaos. Chaos thinly disguised in the form of debate. Very thinly disguised…

  “Sin, a timeless pleasure,” said Russ.

  “Indeed,” the moderator replied.

  The audience broke out in quiet laughter.

  Then it happened or rather occurred. The same smart ass who said that both sex and violence had another comment: “Sin, sin, count me in!”

  There was audience was not amused.

  “If one is witty, all sins are forgiven,” said the moderator.

  The audience was silent and yet like Nicole….all ears….

  “My God, they are not interested in philosophers or tyrants,” said Satan.

  “No,” David answered.

  The audience gleefully awaited what would happen next.

  “Next question,” said the moderator.

  Satan was rubbing his hands together anxiously.

  “It’s for Mr. Russ Pillman…”

  “Don’t give him drugs,” said an anonymous voice in the crowd.

  “Hey, we’re all God’s creatures,” said Russ. “We’re flawed…”

  The audience did not laugh at his comment.

  “Please, is our warmongering talk show host, now an idealist?”

  “Always was, Vince…”

  The most popular rightwing radio talk show host of all time laughed.

  It was all in good fun….

  “They’re not getting the point of this debate,” said the Devil. “I wish I could hang these two fools.”

  “If there is a God, he doesn’t care about us,” said Nicole.

  Satan was laughing now. “Perhaps I would just hang the fat guy Russ.”

  The moderator shook his head at the beautiful and talented actress.

  “May we continue please,” said Russ.

  “As you wish,” said the moderator.

  David laughed. “I haven’t heard that one in a while.”

  Sarah smiled and thought briefly, about how Christopher had portrayed the professor in his novel.

  “For Mr. Pillman, the next question. Russ, how do violent images affect children?”

  “If they have good parents…”

  “Russ, don’t be naïve,” said the moderator. “Kids have always found a way to see things they should not. I know I did.”

  “I know I did,” said Nicole.

  “I know I did,” said Russ.

  The audience broke out in laughter.

  “Please answer the question, sir,” said the moderator.

  “Sure thing, Vincent. Now first of all, kids need to get tough at an early age. It’s important them to see images of the good guys killing the bad guys. Now I know Nicole likes moral equivalence between us, the Nazis and Bin Laden…”

  “It’s this eye for an eye thing!” shouted Nicole. “We’ll all be blind and toothless!”

  The moderator rolled his eyes.

  “Thanks, Tevye!”

  “That was funny, Russ. Really funny,” said Vincent.

  The audience didn’t get that reference.

  “Look at how Alexander the Great conquered the world because he was raised in a society that toughened boys up. World War 2 boys were tough and so were the boys of the fifties in general. Now we have entitled wimps who blame their parents for everything. They want something for nothing and this country can be taken over like overly ripe fruit. As Mr. Khrushchev has said…”

  The audience was captivated…

  “Back then, men were men and women were women. Boys fought and these so called violent images taught them how to do it right. Anyone who got bullied in school typically had the balls to fight back then. Not now. Now they’re in God damn therapy.”

  “For Christ sake, what kind of stupid answer was that,” said Nicole.

  Vincent giggled.

  The actress said, “Back in the good old days black people had to drink from separate water fountains and driving drunk was legal. The police would merely ask you to take a nap…”

  “Good answers, Nicole but it wasn’t your turn to speak,” Vincent said.

  “Violent images inspire madness and murder…”

  “The moderator said it wasn’t your turn to speak, cunt,” Russ said.

  The audience was speechless…

  “You’re showing your true colors now,” said Nicole. “You’re hatred of women is coming out now. Violence against women, the worst violence of all…”

  Russ and the audience in front of him were dead silent.

  “This debate is over,” said Vincent.

  Russ walked away but briefly stopped to whisper something to Nicole. It wasn’t an apology. She slapped him across the face and he laughed. The audience was not amused and neither was Satan. He was furious.

  “What in hell is going on here,” Satan said.

  “Russ is diabolical,” said Sarah.

  “They should be talking about me that way,” Satan said.

  “Okay, the call Nicole a cunt on national television,” said Sarah sarcastically.

  Satan smiled with insidious intensity…

  “This debate is over, “said the Devil.

  “Those two are nothing but insects,” said David.

  “Oh, I agree,” said Satan. “We need to get to the real heart of this debate. That asshole talk show host put a stop to this just when it was beginning to get interesting…”

  “You’re on crack. That debate sucked,” David said.

  “Don’ ever speak to me that way again if you know what is good for you. I don’t like your tone…”

  “Sorry, Satan…”

  “It’s okay, you’re forgiven,” he answered. This time.”

  “Thank you,” David said.

  “After watching this debate, I’m reasonably sure that there is not intelligent life on this planet,” said the Devil.

  “So there is life on other planets?” David asked.

  “You served the Jinn; you should know the answer to that question. There are many, many worlds and parallel universes. David, you should know this.”

  “It was a rhetorical question…”

  Satan cackled like a witch.

  “You’re a genius, David.”

&nb
sp; “You got that God damned right.”

  Satan laughed even harder.

  “How can I compete?” Sarah asked.

  “This dark wager needs your skills of the flesh, child. Never underestimate the powers of sex in a repressed puritanical society,” Satan said.

  “Cheers, Sarah, I’m going to win but you are a great talent,” said David.

  “You silver tongued devil,” she said.

  David laughed but Satan was growing tired of the game. He wanted them to write such depraved and controversial stories that even tonight’s embarrassment would soon be forgotten.

  “You know, never underestimate the power of denial,” David said.

  “Indeed,” said Satan.

  “There ain’t any way for Russ to deny this. He called her a cunt on national television,” said Sarah.

  “True,” Satan said.

  “Who the fuck won that debate?” asked David.

  “Obviously, Nicole did,” said Sarah.

  “Before he went postal and called her the c word, I think it was a tie,” said David.

  “I agree,” said Satan.

  There was an obvious disagreement here. The woman thought the men were acting like fools.

  “You turn every failure into a victory, don’t you David?” Sarah asked him.

  “I try like hell,” David answered. “Please remember books are our friends. I know we are enemies but you should become familiar with my work if you really want to defeat me.”

  The three lost souls slowly realized they were back at David’s fabulous mansion. The fireplace was wonderful and Dr. Wells’s house was warm, inviting and eccentric, just like his charm. The same charm that had seduced over a thousand women…

  Sarah and David were in the fight of their lives and lost souls. Publish or perish brought on a whole new and much darker meaning. The whole world and afterlife lay before the two dark lovers. They would fight to be the right hand of the biggest rebel of all eternity. All of the greatest poets of western civilization knew his name. The three great faiths, Judaism, Christianity and Islam had no sympathy for the Devil.

  “It would be a terrible thing, not to learn from this debate,” said David.

  “Sex or violence, which corrupts the human soul more; do you think it’s easy to choose?” Satan asked.

  “Yes,” said Sarah and David together.

  “Not much of a debate though,” said Sarah.

  “No,” said David.

  “If you called her a cunt, would you be ashamed?” Sarah asked.