Damned Fiction

by David Kempf

  “You know, I don’t like your attitude.”

  “I’m sure you don’t. I’m standing up for myself!”

  “Who needs you, anyway?” she asked.

  But she did need him. Death would be inevitable if they did not stick together.

  There were monsters created by meteors, they were out there, and they were quite real. A dark thought came to Emily. She might have to fuck him, in order to stay alive so he wouldn’t leave her. Perhaps to keep the human race from going extinct, she thought.

  “Sorry,” she said.

  “Really?” he asked.

  “Yes,” she answered softly.

  The terrible truth was that she would die without him. Who would fix the generator? An old one, too, from an old college that was damn hard to fix. What a nightmare. Now she realized why women married douches all the time. It was because of the need for security. What would happen without C.D.? It was too terrible to think about. Who would fix the generator? What would happen if it were to break permanently? Spoiled food, no electricity, no heat, no cool air, starvation, filthy living conditions and all of this because of one spoiled girl.

  What would happen to her with the plant things? They would knock her up and then eat her… and not in the way that she liked.

  What would happen to C.D.? Unspeakable!

  Then the stupid, self-destructive part of her came out of hiding. It went against every survival instinct as a woman and a human that Emily possessed within her mind. Perhaps it came from the indoctrination of academia itself.

  Fuck him and not… in the way he wanted. Was she going to be a little wife to this asshole just because she was afraid to try and live on her own? Afraid to survive on her own was probably more like it. In any case, no. No. Fuck no!

  “Glad to hear you say it,” C.D. said.

  “I was happy to say it,” she said with self-loathing.

  Then she thought that maybe she would just fuck him a few times until they might find other survivors. Then she could find someone better and they could go back to just being friends again. She didn’t know if she was playing the “little wife” like a middle-class idiot or if she was no better than a prostitute. Either way, she was filled with self-hatred at the thought of all of this. What really empowered women was that they could fuck who they wanted, when they wanted. Unlike men, who had to grovel. Not women. Well, now almost any decently good looking woman, anyway. Emily knew that she more than decent to look at.

  “Look,” she said. “We need each other and maybe…”

  “Really, Emily?” he asked over-anxiously.

  “Yes.”

  This was worse than self-loathing. This was a desire to survive.

  “My God, I’ve waited so long, Emily.”

  She paused, trying not to show him the disgust and defeat she felt.

  “I’m so happy,” he continued. He paused. What if this was just another erotic dream? If it was, C.D. did not ever want to wake up again…

  “Yes, baby, I meant every word I said…”

  “Awesome!” exclaimed the horny geek.

  Emily had to shut up. Her time in a sheltered paradise was not going to be jeopardized by foolish, fatal pride. This was far worse than any end-of –the-world B movie on late night TV. This was real life and the monsters were real. This young man fought to keep her fed, clean and ultimately safe. Her lack of gratitude was terrible and she knew it. Still, she liked being a bitch. Toying with men was fun for her and she knew she was damn good at it.

  C.D. was having some troubling thoughts of his own at this point. Had she only just now started to come around because she realized her life depended on him? Even if that wasn’t true, it was a certainty that her very lifestyle was at stake. He thought about her cruelty and coldness to him and it didn’t ever quite measure up to the images of true love he had within his cloudy and deluded mind.

  “Charles, I think you’ve suffered enough.”

  “Really?” he asked suspiciously.

  “Yes.”

  “Great, it’s about fucking time!”

  For the first time in his meek, weak, conflict avoiding and even arguably cowardly life, he saw something that he never had before. Emily’s eyes had fear in them and it was because of him. The fear was so great it was close to being terror. A terror so great that it was it was not too far from being respect for him as a man.

  “Why the change of heart?” he asked.

  “Well, you’re growing on me,” she said and instantly regretted it.

  “Growing on you? Like those plant monsters grow on people? Sorry, they actually don’t do that. They fuck women to get them pregnant and then kill them.”

  Emily almost said out loud what the Neffs did to men but bit her wicked tongue in time to save the college’s generator. Heated words were not worth nearly as much as hot showers were. She would keep her mouth shut. If that meant slowly licking cock and stuffing it inside of her voluptuous mouth, so be it! The lovely girl was no fool and knew that if she gave him the ultimate blowjob, he would be wrapped around her finger. He was a very smart man but he was still a man after all. A grown man with sexual needs that had never been fulfilled…

  “You know, I have half a mind to fucking kill you,” he said. Then he paused. “I’m your hero, your rescuer. You know it. I saw it a moment ago. It was written all over your beautiful, lying face.”

  She knew something was brewing and that she was going to have to be one clever girl to get by from now on. Things were going to change, she thought. Change was inevitable and seldom for the better. Even a spoiled politically correct hypocrite like Emily knew this to be true. That damned survival instinct again, she thought. She did not know was what he would say next but she knew it would definitely hold her full attention. Emily had a feeling that C.D. had a request for her and it was going to be a doozy.

  “I want both of them,” he said.

  “What?” Emily asked.

  “I want you to be both dream girls. The one that romantic pussies dream about and the one vile sadistic men brag about.”

  “Oh God!” she exclaimed.

  It wouldn’t take too many words to know what he wanted from Emily. This was for survival sake… The honeymoon was over…

  He starred at her but his distrust was fading.

  “Whatever you want,” Emily said.

  Charlie Brown and Charles Bukowski were divided on how to spend their time with their girlfriend. Romantic walks in the park were out due to the problems of plant life raping and killing young lovers. Emily was thankful the whole stupid threesome request was out. She was completely straight and hated when men harbored the theory that all women secretly want to do it with another chick while their lucky man watched. The Little man would have some big demands but due to circumstances, the threesome would not be one of them. Perhaps if he found a blow up doll, she would fake it.

  “Really?” he asked anxiously.

  “Yes, sweetheart,” she said.

  He was confused now. Charles thought for a moment that he had to be dreaming again because this was so similar to the erotic dream he had just before she humiliated him beyond words. On the plus side, what else was left? What else could she do to him if all of this was a bloody lie?

  “Whatever you want,” she repeated.

  “Yes,” he said. He paused and began breathing heavy. “You’ll do whatever my little repressed black heart desires, dear sweet Emily.”

  Terrible thoughts of spanking her bare bottom, cumming in her face and fucking her in the ass raced through his lustful young mind. This was too good to true because even when the dream girl needs you to survive, she’ll still have an attitude, he thought. He damn near said it aloud. He didn’t. Old Jekyll and Hyde kept it to himself. The romantic idiocies and the insane pleasures of the flesh were his for the taking. He thought about this and decided it was very fucking hard to believe that. This was based upon his recent history, the history of the world itself and the fact he was a realist. Even though it
looked as like the fat lady had sung as far as the world concerned. It was over for the human race now. The Neffs might still have their way with them before he would finally have his way with Emily.

  “What are you thinking about?” Emily asked.

  “This is too easy…”

  “You mean, I’m too easy, right?”

  “No.”

  “What then?”

  “I don’t want you to love me because you are afraid. I want to be a hero. If I find a way to kill those bastards, those plant motherfuckers, how would you feel about me then?”

  “Wow,” said Emily.

  “Well, how would you feel about me the, Emily?”

  “Jesus Christ! I would fuck your brains out!”

  He paused. “That’s what I’ve always wanted to hear, woman. That’s what I’ve been waiting to hear since I first laid eyes on you.”

  ***

  The Little man was a very busy man. He worked and toiled and worked and toiled. The fear that came to him was worse than fear of death, dying and the insidious torture that waited for males from the evil plants. It was a simple idea. To die without her falling in both absolute love and lust with him before he would perish would be the literal meaning of tragedy….

  Perish the thought.

  The college certainly was not short of scientific equipment and reference books. There were even a few scientific journals with references to the Neffs. That was, of course, prior to their destroying human civilization as the two college kids knew it. Still, a terrible feeling came over him. What if he did manage to solve this problem and she fell for another survivor someday? He could invent something that would kill the plants and with his luck, they would run into some beer and pussy-obsessed jock who survived. He would treat her like crap, bore her to death with his idiotic stories and fuck the hell out of her. Oh, and then he would do two things after he had his way with her. The first thing would be to brag to his buddies if any of them were still alive. The second would be to kick the Little man’s ass!

  There was a lot going on in C.D.’s head.

  Days passed and Emily watched him spend every waking moment in the library or one of the science labs. She hated herself for it but she was becoming quite proud and even fond of him. He was truly growing on her. Like a race of freakish plants out of meteors from outer space and then raped and killed you. Growing on her, she thought, growing on her for sure.

  When Charles was a kid, he would often watch the Saturday matinee shows on the idiot box. There he learned, as a young science fiction geek, that the heroes got the girls of their dreams. These men weren’t always the rugged ape types, either. Many were in fact, just like him. They got their dream girls simply by applying their keen minds to solving problems. Typically, the most important problem was saving humankind from extinction…

  He started to think about how Dr. Wood, the science professor was among the first to know what was going on. C.D.’s favorite professor knew the human race was doomed immediately after the meteor shower. What happened to Dr. Wood? Would he have the same fate as the professor? C.D. was trying desperately not to think about such things. If he dwelled on them, he would have a panic attack that would leave him in a perpetual state of terror. It was time to move forward and concentrate on the task at hand.

  C.D. froze in his tracks when he was in Dr. Wood’s old lab and the answer came to him like a revelation. He would freeze them! He would freeze the bastards! The Little man had a big plan to save Emily, himself and (God forbid) the rest of humanity’s survivors-if there were any. If there were, he would be most distrustful of them. He wanted to be the hero. He wanted Emily all to himself. They would be like Adam and Eve and could repopulate the earth together. Charles was dedicated to this, no matter how many times he would have to fuck Emily to do it. The man would be a total trooper.

  “Wait until you see this, Emily,” he said aloud and to himself.

  There was, of course, no reply in the lab…

  “You won’t believe it. I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it and I invented it!”

  “Snatch!”

  What in the world was that? C.D. was frightened….

  “Snatch!”

  What?

  “Snatch!”

  There was something very wrong here. There was something else alive inside the lab and he sure as hell did not like it!

  It was one of them…

  “Fuck you, Neff!” C.D. shouted.

  “Snatch!”

  The so-called “laser” gun Charles used was not that complicated. He had figured out that they hated the extreme cold by reading the articles written in the scientific journals. This provided a clue to him. Perhaps they would hate to be frozen even more than burned alive. Usually, alien monsters got burned with torches or flamethrowers in almost every respectable B-movie ever made. But this was real life.

  “Fuck off, bastard!”

  The Neff made a terrible noise, “SNATCH!” It roared upon Charles and almost got him. He pointed his laser gun at him and for the first time, a Neff was killed. It froze instantly. The actual shooting power of the gun appeared weak. It looked like a stop motion animation flamethrower from a low budget movie.

  “I got you, you fuck!”

  The Neff froze and then instantly melted into water.

  “I knew freezing you fucks was the answer!”

  It’s not a laser gun, it’s a freezing gun. C.D. was excited about his victory now.

  He thought about this. The weapon itself was the size of a small Saturday night special handgun… (9mm Short).

  Small but not too small to do the job…

  The gun had two triggers. The red trigger would attract the plant monsters within a hundred mile radius. The black trigger would freeze them. He had enough power stored to kill a thousand Neffs. He would freeze the bastards. It was almost over now. Charles never pressed the red trigger; the little Neff that snuck up behind him in the lab was merely there by chance.

  Something was very wrong now.

  C.D. fell down when he saw it. He cut his hand accidentally desperately trying to pull himself back up to stand.

  The water began to boil and the creature’s body returned. He was not sure if it was alive or not.

  He was too afraid to breathe…

  C.D. was now terrified beyond words.

  He looked at it, the thing. It wasn’t much to look at. The size of a small cactus but it looked like a shrubbery covered in weeds. It made a hissing nose. When Charles got just close enough to see its face, if that’s what you would call it, he pressed the black trigger. The gun shot out a plume of strange white air, slowly but fast enough to do the job. It almost looked like an old stop motion animation movie. The plant thing fell instantly and made a crying noise. It was finally dead and that was that. He came closer to see its face but found there was none there. What he did find was proof some urban legends are true. Sticking out of the center of the dead plant thing was cock, a huge penis. It was nearly two feet long. He prayed the thing died with a full erection.

  “I have to show Emily that they can die…”

  He walked slowly back to the dean’s house.

  You only need to walk fifty feet; you can do it… almost there…

  Charles couldn’t wait to see the look on Emily’s face. Then dark thoughts raced through his head. He wondered if there was a part of him, no matter how small that was hiding an inner caveman. The part that wanted to take Emily by force, the part that did not want to be civilized or even evolved. He could force himself on top of her and stick his cock deep inside of her. She might learn to like it. God, she tried everything else in college, why not one date rape? Emily was, he figured, out of options. The look of surprise on her face would be amazing. He was getting hard right now. He only wished he was hung like a Neff.

  “What do have to show me?” Emily asked when he entered the house.

  “First, my new gun and then…”

  “What?”

  “Never mind t
hat now.” He paused. Emily was giving him her entire undivided attention. She smiled at him.

  He brandished his weapon. “This gun can kill them, Em; I actually killed a medium sized one in the lab. I don’t think there are any more around.”

  “How many can it kill?” Emily asked.

  “An almost infinite number, it would seem. I have been working a long time on this, as you damn well know.”

  “Let’s do it now…”

  “Yeah, to celebrate our upcoming victory, good idea, baby…”

  “No.”

  “What?” he asked bewildered.

  “Let’s kill them now.”

  “It’s almost nightfall, dear.”

  “Yes, I know that, dear,” she said somewhat sarcastically.

  He was going to maybe save the world but old Em thought he was still the same socially awkward loser that he ever was at this silly college. C.D. could not help wonder whether she would welsh on her promise to fuck him. That was even if he killed all the monsters, saved the world and there were no other survivors ever found again by either one of them.

  ***

  It was a simple plan. They both sat, slowly watching the stars on the top of the school’s miniature planetarium. The young lovers took the stairs to the top. They were high enough to zap those motherfuckers and give em hell!

  “You’re a genius, baby. I will fuck you later. Do you still want to fuck me?”

  “That’s a pretty damn dumb question, Emily Cleese,” he said.

  They looked all around. The night skies got darker and they looked at the lovely stars shining brightly. The kind of stars that made the love sick pup remember how desperately in love with Emily he was. Emily was a star herself. She starred in every late night show of the subconscious C.D. ever had. Night after night, throughout his entire college experience, she was with him in his dreams and in them; she loved him the same way that he did her. He loved Emily.

  “Give me the gun,” Emily said.

  She pressed the button. The one that attracted them. They came from all over in less than a minute. There were hundreds. Emily froze.

  “Snatch!” they snarled, all at once.