Millions of Pebbles

by Roberta Kagan

  Ben’s heart was racing. “Asher, please stop,” he managed to say.

  “Mind your own business, Rabinowitz. Your family walked out on you because you are half a man. You let them walk all over you. My wife is going to learn today that she and my son had better treat me with the respect I deserve or . . .” Asher raised the belt again. From the corner, where she cowered, Zelda let out a cry of fear.

  “Asher,” Ben blurted out, then he quickly added, “Come with me, and I’ll buy you a drink. I’ve heard that Shlomi Kaufman has set up a makeshift tavern in his apartment. He’s got some black-market alcohol. Like I said, I’m buying. But we’d better hurry. I don’t know how many bottles he has or how long it will last.”

  “It’s almost curfew,” Asher said, but the thought of a drink distracted him from his violent rage.

  “We can make it quick. Come on. Let’s take a walk. What do you say? A vodka or a beer? Sounds good, no?”

  “Yes, yes it does. And it sounds even better if you’re paying,” Asher said.

  “Of course I am paying. Come on, let's go.”

  Asher slid his belt back through the belt loops in his pants. Ben thought he could hear a sigh of relief come from Zelda. Solomon was bleeding and still in tears, but from what Ben could see, all the wounds appeared to be superficial.

  Ben opened the door for Asher, then he followed him out. As Ben turned around to close the door, he saw Zelda. She was kneeling at Solomon’s side. She glanced up at Ben quickly, and he saw the gratitude in her eyes. He smiled and closed the door, leaving the apartment in peace.

  It cost Ben plenty that night. It would leave him short of money for food that week. But at least he had stopped Asher from beating the boy for a little while.

  CHAPTER 3

  The following day when Ben was returning from work, Zelda was waiting for him outside the apartment building where they lived.

  “I don’t know how to thank you,” she said. “My husband has a hot temper, and my son provokes him.”

  “I know. It’s all right,” Ben said, smiling.

  “I waited out here because I didn’t want the others to see me talking to you. I was afraid they might say something to Asher. And I just never know what will set him off.“

  “I know. I see how difficult things are for you.”

  “My little Sarah is my only joy in life. She gives me no tsuris, no aggravation. Solomon is a lot like his father. He is independent and refuses to take advice—ever.”

  “Yes, I can see the independent streak in him, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing. He is only nine years old. Perhaps he will grow out of it.”

  “Yes, he is only nine, and I don’t think he realizes the consequences of his actions. I don’t think he is old enough to grasp what can happen to him if he is caught out after curfew,” she said, wringing her hands.

  “I know. I understand how hard it must be for you,” Ben offered.

  “Asher is stubborn; Solomon is stubborn. What am I to do?”

  “I don’t know what to tell you. I wish I had some answers. I have made more mistakes than anyone, so I am not the person to ask for advice.”

  “What happened?” she asked then quickly added, “I don’t mean to pry. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me. It’s none of my business.”

  “No, please, it’s all right, really. I was a weak husband to a very domineering wife. My wife set the rules and I followed. She refused to have our son circumcised. I was so ashamed. All the men in town told me to take the boy and bring him to the mohel without her permission. But I didn’t. I let her do what she wanted. She always did whatever she wanted. Before you and your family moved in, she left me and escaped the ghetto with our son. I know it is probably best that she found a way to escape the ghetto with our son, Moishe, but I knew she was having sex with other men to get them to help her, and I couldn’t confront her. I just didn’t have the courage.” He shrugged not knowing why he’d told her so much about himself.

  “Oh,” she said in a soft voice as she looked at the ground.

  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I am telling you all of this except perhaps it’s because of what happened yesterday. You see, you might find this strange, but I feel good about myself for the first time in my life.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Well, yesterday when I stood up to Asher, I was afraid, and yet I did it anyway. That’s the first time in my life that I found the courage to stand up to my fear.”

  “You were very brave,” she said and then added, “and I have never said this to a man before, but you are very handsome.”

  He blushed and looked down at his shoes.

  Ben had always been considered handsome with his cocoa-brown eyes and boyish smile. And since he came of age, he realized there were two types of women who were attracted to him. One, like his wife, Lila, who was a strong woman who wanted to dominate him, and the other was a gentle girl, like Zelda, with a strong need to mother him.

  “I’m sorry, did I embarrass you?” Zelda asked.

  He shrugged. “Yes, maybe a little.”

  “I didn’t mean to. It was bold of me to say that.”

  “I know you didn’t mean to embarrass me. And, well, thank you. It was, after all, a nice compliment.”

  She hesitated and then turned to go inside. “I’ll see you later?” she asked.

  “Yes, that would be nice.” He smiled.

  After Zelda went into the apartment, Ben walked for a while. It wasn’t dark yet, and he wanted to think. He’d had quick one-night stands while he was married but never with married women. He’d justified cheating on Lila because her strong will always left him feeling castrated. Zelda, he knew, had a violent and hateful man for a husband, who was even worse when he drank to excess. Ben had seen the fear in the eyes of Asher’s wife and children, and he completely understood why Zelda was flirting with him. And since Lila and Moishe left, Ben felt terribly alone in the ghetto. He had no real friends to speak of, not even at his job. Most of his free time was spent by himself. Zelda was pretty, not nearly as pretty as Lila but pretty enough. She had wavy, dark hair and a slim figure. Her features were even except for her nose, which was slightly big for her face. Zelda’s dark eyes were kind and filled with compassion. Ben knew she liked him, and he could easily have become her lover, but he was terrified of Asher. The next time she flirts with me I’ll tell her that I can’t become involved with her. I hate to admit that I am afraid, but I’ll tell her the truth, that her husband is not the kind of man I want to provoke.

  CHAPTER 4

  The following afternoon, Zelda found Ben at the market where he went to purchase food. They stood in line together talking softly about the terribly small rations the Jews were given. Then they walked home together. He was carrying her purchases, looking for the right time to tell her that he could not allow himself to become involved with her.

  Two days later, when Ben walked out of the tailor shop after work, he found Zelda waiting to walk home with him. She explained that she had just gotten off work too and had only waited a few minutes. They walked slower than usual sharing tidbits about their day and laughing about annoying coworkers. The more Ben got to know Zelda, the more he wanted to spend time with her. He was still afraid of Asher, but he’d begun to really enjoy her company, so he found he was willing to take the risk.

  When Asher’s back was turned, Zelda shot Ben smiles as she prepared dinner for her children in the cramped apartment. Ben found himself eager to see her. She became the light in his dark and lonely life. They had not committed adultery with their bodies, but they had begun to do so with their hearts. He brought her small gifts that he was able to steal from the tailor shop. Just a few pieces of ribbon for her hair or a few buttons, but it was the gesture that touched her heart.

  “I wish I could give you more. I know that these things are so miniscule. But they are all I have to give,” Ben said.

  She smiled. “I cherish them because they come from you,” sh
e said as they rounded the corner toward the apartment building.

  He didn’t know what possessed him, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her into an alleyway between two buildings. She didn’t resist. He pushed her against the wall and kissed her passionately. Zelda sighed. He pulled her farther into the alleyway. She followed him. It was as if he was overcome with need, and he couldn’t think straight. Before either of them had a moment to come to their senses, Zelda’s dress was above her waist, and Ben was fumbling with his pants. His hands trembled with desire. Her breath was hot on his neck. She sighed when he entered her. A tear fell down her cheek and onto his shoulder. She grasped him tighter. He kissed her and kissed her again. And then it was over.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered as he came to his senses, turning away from her to zip his pants.

  Zelda pulled her dress down and steadied herself. She didn’t speak. But when he turned back to look into her eyes, he saw that she was crying.

  “Are you all right?” he asked, wiping her tears away with his thumb then gently caressing her face.

  “Yes, I’m feeling so many conflicting emotions. I’m happy, so very happy. But I feel selfish and guilty too. I never thought I would commit adultery. Never.”

  “Are you sorry for what we did?” he asked in a small voice.

  “That’s the thing that’s bothering me. I’m not sorry, and I feel like I should be. But, Benjamin Rabinowitz, you make me feel like I matter. You make me feel loved. I’ve never felt this way before in my entire life.”

  “You do matter, Zelda. You matter to me. And your happiness is so important to me.” He looked into her eyes. “And I hope for the rest of our lives I will have the privilege of making you feel loved, because you deserve to be loved.”

  “Oh, Ben, thank you. Thank you for caring.”

  “I do. I care more than you’ll ever know. I’ve never felt this way about anyone else either.”

  “We should get home. Asher will be home soon. I don’t want him to wonder where we are.”

  “You’re right. Let’s go.”

  Gently, he took her hand and led her out of the alleyway and back toward home. They could not openly hold hands on the street because Zelda was married, but they walked together side by side, their hearts alive with the fire of love.

  “You’re so beautiful,” he whispered.

  She looked up at him and smiled.

  But . . . unbeknownst to Ben and Zelda, someone lurked in the shadows. Someone had seen them. Someone was watching.

  CHAPTER 5

  Lodz Ghetto

  Caleb Ornstein

  When he was growing up, Caleb Ornstein was always in trouble, womanizing, stealing, and fighting. He was handsome to a fault, conniving, and dangerously sexy. Not only that, but to match his charm and looks, he was wildly good in bed. After his initiation, at thirteen, into the pleasures of sex by the thirty-five-year-old woman who lived next door, Caleb quickly learned what women wanted and how to give it to them. The Ornsteins were poor but respectable people. Both Caleb’s father and his mother worked all day at the textile factory trying to make ends meet.

  Caleb’s earliest memory occurred when he was only six. He had awakened from a nightmare one night to overhear his parents whispering in bed. They thought he was asleep. His father said that he wished they’d never had children because even with both of their salaries they were finding it very difficult to afford to raise Caleb. He’d never forgotten those words.

  Then when Caleb was nine, his mother had an accident at the factory leaving her permanently disabled and unable to keep working. He was forced to wear ragged, hand-me-down clothes given to him by Jewish charities. His shoes were old, used, ill fitting, and broken. At school the other children made fun of him, especially the boys.

  At fourteen, Caleb’s parents were called into the principal's office at school. Caleb had been caught stealing a wallet from his teacher’s jacket pocket, which the teacher had left draped across the top of his chair during the lunch break. His father was filled with shame. He slapped Caleb’s face with the back of his hand in front of the school principal, who shook his head gravely at Caleb. His face red with shame, Caleb gave his father a look of pure hatred, but then Caleb caught a glimpse of his file folder which sent him into a fit of uncontrollable laughter. On the front, handwritten carefully, it said, “Caleb Ornstein: Absolutely Incorrigible.” He laughed wildly in spite of the glares from the principal and both of his parents.

  “I’m sorry,” the principal said, trying to control the anger in his voice, “but he has no remorse, so my only option is to expel him from school.”

  Caleb was expelled. He was not distraught at all. In fact, he was glad because he was now free to wander the streets all day. About a year later on a Sunday afternoon, he met a girl in an ice cream parlor. She was dressed in a cashmere sweater and a wool skirt. Her clothing told him she came from money, and that made her all the more attractive to him. Her wavy, brown hair was accented with a pink ribbon tied into a perfect bow. The color was a perfect match to the flowers in the pattern of her white dress. She was with three other girls, but none of the others caught Caleb’s eye the way this one did. He glanced at her as she talked to her friends in soft whispers. She said something to one of the other girls, and they all broke out in a fit of giggles. Caleb saw her glance at him and he smiled. Then he walked over to her and introduced himself.

  “Pardon me for staring at you. I couldn’t help but notice you,” he said. “Has anyone ever told you that you should be a model? You are really beautiful.”

  She giggled again clearly taken aback by his words. Close up, he could see that she couldn’t have been more than fourteen.

  “I’m Caleb Ornstein,” he said.

  “Bina Bloomberg,” she said, casting her eyes down in a flirtatious manner.

  He smiled. “May I join you ladies?”

  The girls at the table blushed.

  “All right,” Bina said, nodding.

  That day Bina Bloomberg fell hard for Caleb, and they began dating. When the chill of winter came they were still together taking walks on cold winter afternoons, holding hands. They stopped every so often so Caleb could hold her tightly and kiss her as the snow fell, dusting her hair. He brought her chocolates, which she loved. She never knew that he got them by blackmailing the chocolate maker, who he knew was having an affair.

  One very chilly afternoon, Caleb knew his parents would be out, so he brought Bina to his family's apartment and there he slowly seduced her. From that day forward they made love as often as they could. A month later Bina brought him home to meet her parents. He was in awe of the big brick house with the large picture windows, where she lived. The house was also beautifully furnished. To Caleb, such finery only existed in museums. Bina’s family had a maid to clean the house and a French cook that her father had hired and brought back with him from France, to prepare their meals. Caleb could see himself living in this fine house, eating expensive food and wearing nice clothes. He considered marrying Bina, but the Bloombergs did not welcome Caleb with open arms; they treated him coldly. Caleb was hurt. They made him feel inferior, but he knew he had an advantage: Bina was mad about him. And every time she lay naked beneath him, it gave him a deep sense of inner satisfaction to know that he, the poor boy from the poverty-stricken family, an outcast, was having sex with their rich, precious daughter.

  When spring began, Caleb found himself growing bored of Bina. Women rarely held his interest for very long. And besides, he’d met another woman, an older woman with a wealthy husband and plenty of free time on her hands. She bought him expensive gifts, like diamond cufflinks and tailor-made suits. She even had a tuxedo made for him, which she paid for with her husband’s money. Then she took him to the theater and to the opera in his new clothes. She was attractive and elegant, if not young and beautiful. But he found that he enjoyed his time with her far more than the quick sexual encounters he shared with Bina. One night, Caleb and the older woman sat at a t
able in a fine restaurant enjoying a glass of expensive port wine after dinner. Caleb took a sip and rolled it around in his mouth. Nothing like a good wine, he thought.

  “Have you ever wondered why I am not afraid that someone might tell my husband that I have been seen with you in public?” she said. She toyed with him sometimes, but Caleb didn’t mind. The money and material things she gave him made up for it.

  Caleb shrugged. “I never gave it much thought,” he said without emotion.

  “Well, I wanted to let you know that you needn’t worry. My husband and I have an understanding. So there will never be a problem.”

  So, he thought, she wasn’t playing with him this time. This was actually good news.

  Caleb gave her his brightest smile. It was nice to know that an angry husband would not come looking for him on some night when he was least expecting it. But whether she knew it or not, Caleb had never been planning to have anything serious with this woman. From her attitude, it seemed that she, too, was looking for a good time, and that suited him very well.

  By now, he’d had enough of Bina and had to find a way to get rid of her. Caleb took Bina out for dinner one evening. He rarely spent any money when they were together, but he had been planning to break things off with her gently, and he thought she was far less likely to make a scene if he broke up with her in a public place like a restaurant. The waitress gave Caleb a flirtatious smile as she placed the food on the table. He had no interest in her, but out of habit he flashed a smile back at her. Her attraction to him was obvious, and for a moment it made him feel good. But Caleb was hungry, and the food was far more interesting than a waitress or the conversation he was about to have with Bina that he knew was going to be upsetting. So he decided to take a few minutes to enjoy his dinner before he delivered the bad news to Bina. But as he took his first bite, he looked up to see that Bina was staring directly at him. Her face was flushed, and she appeared excited but also afraid. She was wringing the side of the white tablecloth in her fingers, then she looked down at the floor and then back up at him. She cleared her throat and said, “I’m pregnant."