Millions of Pebbles

by Roberta Kagan

  “That’s what I thought too.”

  “So Asher will probably be back . . .”

  “Yes, probably. But for now, at least we don’t have to worry about him,” Ben said, then afraid he’d been insensitive added, “I mean, at least we can stop sneaking around.” He hesitated for a moment. “This is all coming out wrong. I sound like a terrible person, but I am glad that we can be together without worrying about Asher beating you and my wanting to kill him.”

  “It’s all right, Ben. I’ve thought about all of it. I, too, am guilty of being a terrible person because as much as I don’t wish for him to suffer, I am still very happy he is gone.”

  “Perhaps you and I and the children should move out of our apartment. Maybe we should try and find a place where no one knows anything about us.”

  “How likely is it that we can find another place? Not very. Neither you nor I have any connections.”

  “I know,” he said. “It was wishful thinking."

  “I don’t care what the other people, who live with us at the apartment, think of me. I know it’s crazy, but my reputation isn’t important to me anymore. We are living lives that are so unpredictable. Let them scorn me for being your lover; it doesn’t matter. I’ve had so little happiness in my life that I am going to grab on to it while I can. With all the disease going around here in this ghetto, anything could happen. We could get sick and die tomorrow. I refuse to spend what little time I might have left on this earth worrying about what people say about me,” she said.

  “I’m glad you feel that way. I have never been a brave man. But I find that life here in the ghetto is forcing me to find courage I never knew I had. I want us to be truthful with everyone about our being a couple. And I’m willing to take the flack.”

  “Yes, I agree. I don’t think we need to make any announcements about our love affair, but we don’t need to hide it from everyone either.”

  He nodded. “I will do anything to hold on to this happiness between you and I. I am going to hold it tightly with both hands, so it can never get away. And anyone who criticizes us for being in love can go straight to hell. I don’t care.” He kissed her and held her in his arms, feeling her heartbeat against him.

  “Are you in love with me, Ben?”

  He blushed and looked away for a single fleeting moment. “Yes, Zelda, I think I am,” he said, smiling.

  From that day forward, Ben and Zelda spent all their spare time together. A group of Jewish classical musicians gave a concert in the town square. They attended it together leaving Zelda’s children with the thirteen-year-old girl and her mother, who lived in the apartment downstairs from theirs. At the beginning of the concert, Rumkowski appeared on the stage. He gave a speech, but neither Ben nor Zelda paid any attention to him. They were both so happy to be sitting together and openly holding hands that they didn’t want to think about Rumkowski. He was going on, in a solemn but stern voice, about problems that he was having in keeping the Nazis happy. Zelda and Ben looked in each other’s eyes instead of listening. If only for the few hours that this concert would last, they wanted desperately to believe that life was normal. They longed to get lost in the fantasy of themselves as a young couple in love and ready to embark upon a bright and hopeful future.

  CHAPTER 9

  Zelda was ashamed to admit it, but she had never been happier. Her marriage had been a disaster, and now for the first time in her life, she was alive with the excitement of each new day. She and her children were still always hungry. The constant threat of disease still hung like a dark cloud over the filthy and crowded ghetto, but even so, love changed everything. Zelda found that she laughed easily now even when she was scrubbing clothes until her fingers bled. Ben had changed her outlook on life and the future. Before they’d met, she would have accepted death easily, but now she wanted to live. While she was at work, she daydreamed of the end of the war, when she and Ben would move in to a small house along with her two children.

  Sarah didn’t like Ben. When Asher had been around, Sarah had openly feared her father; however, she still resented another man coming into their lives to take his place. Solomon, unlike his sister, had become friends with Ben. In fact, they’d been friends since the day the Lipmans moved in to the apartment. And now with Asher gone, Solomon’s bond with Ben was growing stronger. Zelda dreamed the day would come when her little girl, Sarah, would come to love Ben as the kind and gentle father that Asher could never be. But every day, Sarah lay in her mother’s arms crying for her father.

  It was on a cold morning in early March of 1942 that Caleb first approached Zelda. She was standing in line shivering as she waited for her weekly ration of bread. Zelda was holding Sarah’s hand while Solomon was jumping in puddles of slush.

  “I thought your pretty little daughter might like to have a doll,” Caleb said when he walked over to Zelda and her children. Zelda looked up at him. He was tall and very handsome in his police uniform, and since he wore a Star of David she knew he was one of the Judenrat police. It was obviously a used doll because the dress and face were dirty. For a moment Zelda wondered how he’d gotten it.

  Sarah eyed Caleb skeptically, moving to hide behind her mother, but then she looked at the doll. She had never owned a toy. Her eyes lit up.

  “May I give her the doll?” Caleb asked Zelda.

  Zelda saw Sarah reaching out for the doll. She nodded. “Yes, that is very nice of you. Thank you,” she muttered.

  “Of course,” he said, smiling. Then he added, “I’m Caleb Ornstein.”

  “Zelda Lipman. This is Sarah, and that’s my son Solomon over there playing in the puddles. It’s impossible to control him. He’s at that age.”

  “I can see.” Caleb laughed a little. “He’s a typical boy. I was like that when I was young too.”

  She managed a smile.

  “You’re waiting for bread rations?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  “Wait here, I’ll be right back.” Caleb walked up to the front of the line and into the bakery. Within minutes he returned carrying a paper bag.

  “Here is your bread and”—he smiled coyly—“something extra, something special for you and the children.”

  “Oh?” Zelda said, shocked. “Well . . . thank you,” she stammered. “It’s really very kind of you.” Taking the bag, she grabbed Solomon’s hand and began to head home. I wonder what the special something is, she thought. More importantly, I wonder why he is being so nice to me. He is the most handsome policeman in the Judenrat. Why is he interested in me all of a sudden? There are much prettier girls here in the ghetto. Girls without children. What does he want with me? Oh dear, this is flattering, but at the same time it makes me very nervous.

  As soon as they arrived back at the apartment, Zelda opened the bag. Inside she found two full loaves of bread and a large slice of strudel inside. Her mouth watered. She could have gobbled that strudel up right then and there, but she bit her tongue instead. She knew she would not eat even a bite of it; she would give it all to her children. They were far more important to her than her own selfish desires to taste sugar again. She cut the strudel in half for each child, but before she did, she dipped her little finger into the sweet filling and put it into her mouth. Zelda closed her eyes. It was so delicious that it brought tears to her eyes. But she would not eat even a morsel. Not even a crumb would she take away from the hungry mouths of her precious children.

  It gave Zelda such pleasure to watch Sarah and Solomon as they enjoyed that strudel. They devoured it in seconds. Then Sarah took her doll and lay down on the floor to take a nap while Solomon went out to work for the afternoon.

  “I’m leaving for work too,” Zelda said to Sarah. “You be a good girl, and stay here until I get home.”

  “Can I go to work with Devorah? I can help sew the Nazi emblems,” Sarah asked.

  Devorah was their thirteen-year-old babysitter who lived downstairs. She worked sewing SS emblems onto uniforms for the Nazis. It hurt Zelda’s heart
that her children had to work at such a young age. But Sarah had gone to work with Devorah many times. And Zelda preferred that Sarah go with Devorah rather than staying alone in the apartment. Besides, if Sarah worked, she would be entitled to the afternoon bowl of watery soup that was given to anyone who was working, and she would earn a little money too. “Yes, I suppose so. Hurry though. It's late, and Devorah will be leaving her apartment any minute now.”

  “I want to hide my doll before I leave. I’m afraid that someone will steal her while I am gone.”

  “Yes, all right. Hurry though.”

  Zelda took Sarah downstairs to Devorah’s apartment and knocked on the door. Devorah answered as she was getting ready to leave. “Can she come to work with you? She says that she can help by doing some sewing?”

  “Yes, she does help me. I would love to take her with me,” Devorah said.

  “That’s good. Thank you so much. I have to go. I don’t want to be late for work,” Zelda said.

  As Zelda walked to her job she thought about Caleb. He was handsome, that was for sure. But she wasn’t interested. She loved Ben. Ben was handsome too, just not as rugged or as capable of making a woman feel safe in this terribly unsafe world where they lived.

  When Asher had first been arrested, Ben and Zelda still made a special effort to make love when they knew no one would be home. But in order to do that they both had to miss work, which meant that they had to forgo their luncheon soup. Food was so scarce that even the watery soup was better than nothing. They needed it to survive. But now Zelda’s children began to accept that Ben and their mother were more than friends. Solomon had accepted it more quickly, but now that time was passing, Sarah seemed to be less preoccupied about her father’s return. Zelda knew why. It wasn’t that the child didn’t miss her father, it was because Sarah was so hungry that she was fixated on food. She talked about it constantly, leaving Sarah feeling guilty, as a mother, she could not provide more.

  At night Ben and Zelda would wait until they thought everyone was asleep, and then Zelda would slowly inch out of the bed she shared with Sarah and go to Ben’s bed. They were as quiet as they could be as they embraced and made love during the night. However, they could never be certain that the others, including the children, had not heard them.

  One warm afternoon in early July, Caleb walked into the shop where Zelda worked. He was wearing his Judenrat police uniform when he went to the boss and demanded to see Zelda Lipman. She had forgotten all about him. But when the foreman called her to the front of the room, her heart began to pound. Either Caleb had come to find her because he wanted to see her, or he was coming to arrest her. But even worse, in the back of her mind, was the fear that he might have come to bring her the dreaded wedding invitation. If he is bringing the wedding invitation that will send me on the next transport, what will become of my children? I’ll have to leave them with Ben. I am so terrified to get on that train. I don’t know where it’s headed. The rumors are terrifying, she thought as she walked up to the front of the room trembling.

  Caleb took her arm and led her out of the building and into the bright sunlight. Her heart was beating so hard she was afraid it might explode. There was an ache down her left arm, but she didn’t say a word. She was too frightened to speak. Once they had walked for several feet, Caleb turned to Zelda and said, “I was hoping you would come and find me. But you didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I thought perhaps you might have come to thank me for the doll for your little girl.”

  “Oh,” she stammered. “Yes, the doll. Of course. But I thought I did thank you. You’re right. I should have come. Thank you for the doll. It was very kind. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize . . .” She was rambling.

  “It’s all right. I suppose I was just hoping that you would come to see me.”

  “Yes, come to see you . . . of course.”

  “You’re afraid of me? Please don’t be.” Caleb’s voice was kind and gentle.

  “I should have thanked you. I thought I did. I’m sorry if I didn’t. I meant to,” Zelda said. She knew she was repeating herself, and she felt foolish, but she didn’t know what to say.

  “It’s all right. That’s not why I came by to see you today. I came by to invite you to a picnic.”

  She turned to look at him. How can he talk of a picnic? He acts as if everything is normal when nothing is normal anymore. There is no food for my children. He has the power to get food, and all he talks about is a picnic. My little ones are starving. Our apartment is filthy and smells wretched because so many of the people in the building have contracted dysentery. My babies are so small and thin. If, God forbid, they got dysentery . . . She was trembling. The whole ghetto is overcrowded. I am afraid all the time: afraid for my children, afraid for myself, afraid for Ben . . .

  “What is it? Your face is so white that you look as if you’ve seen a ghost. Why are you staring at me that way?”

  “You know that my husband was sent away on a transport?” she said.

  “Oh, I am so sorry. I didn’t realize,” Caleb said. His tone was gentle and filled with concern.

  “Yes, and I was afraid you’d come to send me next.”

  “No, why would we send you? The Nazis need strong men to work. You are not a strong man now, are you?” he asked with a sweet smile.

  Trembling still, she shook her head.

  “No, Zelda, I did not come to send you away. I am truly sorry if I frightened you. I only came to invite you to join me for a little picnic. I have some food for us to share.”

  Food. Just the word. Just the thought caused her mouth to fill with saliva.

  “Are you hungry?”

  She nodded.

  “Well, let's see . . . I have a sausage, a jar of marmalade, and two loaves of bread.”

  A sausage, a jar of marmalade, and two loaves of bread? A feast. “I’d love to have a picnic with you,” she said, wishing she could take the food home for her children instead of eating it herself.

  “I am afraid that the only place we can go where we can be alone is my office.”

  Alone? What does that mean? I know what that means. But I am so hungry. And . . . a sausage. I can already taste it. It’s probably horsemeat. But at least it’s meat, and it’s been so long since I’ve had meat . . .

  “Yes, all right. I’ll come to your office,” she said.

  They walked to his office together. He opened the door for her when they arrived and then began to set up the food.

  Surprisingly, he was a perfect gentleman that entire afternoon. He didn’t even try to touch her. He gave her half a sausage and one of the loaves of bread. Zelda took a bite. It was sweet, like horsemeat, but she’d been hungry for so long that her senses exploded with delight at the taste. She could have gobbled it down in seconds, but she thought of her children and asked, “I am very grateful to you for this food. But would it be too much to ask if I could take half my food home for my children?”

  “Of course. I would expect nothing less from a mother. In fact, let me give you another half loaf of bread. If I remember correctly, you have two children? This will provide half of a loaf for each of them.”

  “God bless you,” Zelda said, sighing. “This will mean so much to them.”

  “And to you? Does it mean anything to you?” he said, looking intently into her eyes.

  “Yes, very much. I am very grateful to you.”

  Caleb smiled. “So come and see me more often, will you?”

  She nodded.

  “By the way, here is a children’s book that I came across recently. Why don’t you take it for your two children?”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course. I don’t have children or a wife, so what am I going to do with a book of fairy tales?”

  “Thank you.”

  “In case you forgot, my name is Caleb. Caleb Ornstein.”

  She nodded again. “I’ll remember,” she said, but
she was thinking of Ben, and now that her stomach was full, she was feeling guilty for having spent an afternoon with another man.

  CHAPTER 10

  Throughout the hot months of June and July, Caleb showed up at Zelda’s place of work at least once a week. Sometimes he brought gifts of food, toys, or clothing. Other times he would just ask her to take a walk with him. As they walked, he would tell her about his job and ask about her life. She kept her answers vague. But when Caleb reached for her hand and tried to kiss her as they walked through the park, she knew it was time to tell him the truth about her and Ben.

  “I don’t know how to tell you this, but I have not been entirely honest with you. I should not have been leading you on all of these months. You see, I have a boyfriend. We are in love. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have taken all the things you have given me. It’s just that the children were hungry, and they have so little.” She looked down at the ground but continued, “Caleb, please don’t think I am not grateful. I am. I am very grateful for everything . . .”

  “A boyfriend?” Caleb asked. “I thought you were the devoted wife to the husband who went away on a transport?” His tone was full of sarcasm. He hadn’t seen Zelda and Ben together in town since he’d started bringing her gifts. And he had started to believe that she had broken up with Ben for him.

  “Asher was a hard man. I don’t wish him any harm, but he was a terrible husband. When I met Ben, he was so kind and gentle that I fell in love with him.”

  “You never told me you were in love with another fellow. Do you think it was right of you to lead me on?”

  “All I know is that I never meant to take advantage of you. But the things you brought made my children’s lives so much better. And you have been so kind to me. Oh, Caleb, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.”

  “I see,” Caleb said, then he walked away from her, leaving her standing alone in the street.