Millions of Pebbles

by Roberta Kagan

  Caleb licked his lips, then he smiled and stood up. He walked over to her and took her into his arms. “You’re cold,” he said.

  “I’m sorry,” she stammered.

  “Do you want me?” he asked.

  She swallowed hard and nodded her head.

  “Say it.”

  “I want you.”

  “Say, 'I want you to fuck me.'”

  Tears ran down her cheeks. “I want you to fuck me,” she repeated as she felt bile rise in her throat. Don’t throw up. You must not throw up. Think of Sarah; think of Solomon. She swallowed the bile back down. It burned her throat.

  “Good. I like the sound of that,” he said. “Get down on the floor,” he continued as he undid his pants.

  Don’t vomit. She repeated to herself as he pushed himself inside her. Don’t vomit. She was bone dry, and it hurt. It felt like he was splitting her in two, but he didn’t seem phased. He just continued to pound into her. Then he pulled out and looked at her face.

  “Put it in your mouth.”

  No, please. I will throw up for sure. She just lay there looking at him wishing that somehow he would change his mind. Intercourse was bad enough, but this? She didn’t think she could do it without puking.

  “What are you waiting for?” he said.

  She shook her head. Her skirt was still up over her waist. The tears still stained her cheeks. Zelda sat up and leaned over him. My children. My babies. I must save my babies, she thought. Putting his erect penis into her mouth, she gagged.

  “Bitch,” he said. “Do I make you sick?”

  “No, it’s just that I’ve never done this before,” she lied.

  “Then just do it.”

  She did as he asked. But when he finally released his thick mucus-like fluid into her mouth, she vomited on the floor. “I’m sorry,” she moaned. “Forgive me, please.”

  “Get out of here. You’ve insulted me twice now. First you reject me for that good-for-nothing boyfriend of yours. Now you puke all over the floor of my office.”

  “I told you that I have never done this before. I am begging you to help me. I am afraid for my babies. I need your help. I will do anything. I will do this again as many times as you want me to. I promise you I will get used to it. Please, let me keep my children. They are so young; they need their mother.”

  “Why should I? You were the lousiest lay I’ve ever had. Go home. Go back to your worthless boyfriend. See if his wealthy and educated background means anything now. Go on, and see if he can save your children.”

  “Please, I’m begging you. For the sake of decency. I am pleading with you.” She was sobbing as she pulled her skirt down to cover herself and began buttoning her blouse.

  “I said, get out,” he said, walking away from her and turning to look out the window.

  CHAPTER 14

  When Zelda returned to the apartment and Ben saw her red eyes and tear-stained face, he took her into his arms. He assumed she’d been to see Rumkowski. He figured she’d begged him, probably offered herself to him. She didn’t say a word about where she’d been or what she’d done, and he didn’t ask. He just held her.

  Zelda was beside herself with fear. She couldn’t eat or sleep. Her mind was racing, but she could not find clarity. Then at three in the morning, as she lay beside Ben, with her heart racing, she got an idea. Nothing about this new plan that was forming in her mind was ideal, but it was better than the alternative. She jumped out of bed, her mouth sandpaper dry with anxiety, and ran to the bed where Sarah and Solomon slept. She watched them breathe for several precious seconds, knowing she would never be able to do so again. They were so young, so innocent. How could she let them go away from her all by themselves? But what choice did she have? Either way, they were leaving her in the morning. Was she making the right decision? Where are the Nazis sending these children? Could it be a better place? Am I making a mistake by what I am about to do? My motherly instinct tells me I am not. Every bone in my body is demanding for me to get them out of here before Rumkowski can put them on that transport. Thank God, at least my son is street smart. With God’s help, he will be able to find a way to protect himself and his sister.

  “Solomon,” she whispered, knowing that the sooner she awakened him the more time he and Sarah would have before daybreak. Gently, Zelda shook his shoulder.

  “Mama?” he said, his eyes opening slowly. “Are you all right?”

  “I must speak to you. I know you’re only a child, only nine years old, but you must listen to me, and you must remember what I am about to tell you. Are you awake enough to listen?”

  “Yes.” He sat up, puzzled.

  “You must take your sister, and get out of the ghetto. I know that sometimes you leave here through cracks in the ghetto wall to make trades with the Polish men on the black market. You do this, don’t you?”

  He didn’t answer.

  “It’s all right, Solomon. I know you have done it many times.”

  He nodded and shrugged. “I hope you’re not angry with me.”

  “No. I need you to get out of this ghetto and away from the Nazis. Use the same crack in the wall that you have been using. Tomorrow morning the Judenrats are going to be rounding up all the children and sending them on a transport.”

  “To where? To where Father went?”

  “I don’t know, but I don’t trust them. I don’t trust the Nazis. I am afraid for you and for Sarah. You must take your sister and run. I am going to give you a ring that your father left me. It’s gold. Sell it through the black market, and use the money to buy whatever you two need to survive.”

  “Mother?” She could see the shock and fear on his face, and she wanted to cry. He looked so small and helpless “Then what? Then where should we go?”

  “Have you made any friends with the men in the Polish black market?”

  “Yes, I have.”

  “Ask them to help you. Beg them to help you.”

  “What about you?”

  “I’ll be here with Ben. I’ll be all right. But you must never return to this place. Don’t worry about me. Watch out for your sister. Take care of her. Promise me you will.”

  “I promise, Mama,” he said. But when she put her hand on his shoulder he was trembling.

  “I am going to give you all the of the food that I have to take with you. Eat it sparingly. Make sure to share it with Sarah.”

  “Of course I will.”

  “Now get dressed. Hurry. There is not a lot of time left. Get as far away from this ghetto as you can, and do it as quickly as you can. Watch out for the police . . .”

  “I know, Mother. I’ve moved through the shadows avoiding the police for a long time now. I’ll get us out, and I’ll take care of Sarah. And after the war is over, I’ll bring Sarah back here, and we’ll find you again. I promise you.”

  “I love you, Solomon, my little man. My brave, little man.” She hugged him as the tears rolled down her cheeks. Then she awakened Sarah and told her what was happening.

  Sarah began to cry, but Solomon took both of her hands in his. “Don’t you worry. You’re my sister, and I won’t let anything bad happen to you. I’ll take good care of you.”

  Ben heard the noise and woke up as Zelda was kissing her children goodbye.

  “Be good, and be careful.” She handed Solomon a towel that she’d filled with all the food they had. Then she put the ring Asher had left into Solomon’s palm. “I love you both with all my heart. My babies. My sweet, precious babies. Dear God, please, I beg you. Watch over my children,” she said, then even though her face was covered with tears, she gave them a smile. “Go now. Hurry,” she said.

  Solomon took Sarah’s hand, and they left the apartment. Zelda and Ben ran to the window to watch them. But Solomon was so savvy that he and Sarah disappeared into the shadows within seconds.

  Zelda fell into a fit of weeping as Ben held her in his arms. “I wish there was something I could do. Oh, Zelda . . .”

  “Just hold me, Ben,�
�� she said.

  The following morning, Ben went to work. Zelda was getting ready to leave for work when Caleb arrived at her apartment. He demanded she give him her children.

  “They’re not here,” she said boldly.

  “Oh?” Caleb turned to the other policeman who was helping with the roundup and said, “Search this apartment, and find this woman’s two children.”

  They searched but found nothing. Caleb was so angry with Zelda that he searched the entire building. Still, there was no sign of Sarah or Solomon. So he grabbed Zelda’s arm roughly and walked her to the transport.

  That morning, Caleb, along with the other Jewish ghetto policemen took thousands of children under the age of ten to the transport. But unlike the other mothers who were left behind in the Lodz ghetto, Caleb pushed Zelda onto the train car that was filled with crying children.

  “You think you've outsmarted me, don’t you? Now you will go instead of your children. You will take their place,” Caleb said. Then he spit at Zelda. The children all around her were weeping.

  Even though he spit at her, Zelda begged Caleb one more time. “Please, I’ll do anything you want. Anything at all. Leave me in the ghetto.” But he just walked away from her. The train car was slammed shut, leaving Zelda the only adult in an entire boxcar filled with terrified children. She tried to look out through an opening in one of the slats still hoping she might find some way to appeal to Caleb. But she didn’t see him. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway. She knew that he was never going to help her.

  Ben was at work when Zelda was taken. When he arrived back at the apartment, he received the news from the others in his apartment building that Zelda was gone. No one ever returns from those transports, he thought. Rumors spread through the ghetto that the people who were on the transports were being murdered. Until now, Ben had doubted the truth of it. But somehow as he thought about Zelda and all the little children from the ghetto, he knew it was true. They were doomed. A small voice in the back of his head warned him that he would never see them again.

  Ben walked out of the apartment in a rage. He’d been so consumed with anger and fear for Zelda that he’d not even taken the time to put on his coat. It was cold outside, but he didn’t feel it. He had no concern for his own welfare. His face was blood red, his fists clenched at his side as he headed for Rumkowski’s office.

  “May I help you?” the small woman at the desk asked.

  “I must see Rumkowski,” Ben said.

  “I’m sorry. He’s very busy today. He’s unavailable to see anyone.”

  Fueled by anger, Ben pushed past the woman and stormed into Rumkowski’s office.

  “You bastard,” Ben said. “You filthy, good-for-nothing bastard. You sent my girl away on a transport. She might well be on the way to her death. I ought to kill you with my bare hands.”

  “Help!” Rumkowski yelled, his eyes wide with fear. “Help me!”

  Two of the Jewish ghetto policemen came rushing into Rumkowki’s office. One of them was Caleb. A smile flashed over Caleb’s face as he grabbed Ben’s arms, then Caleb’s smile vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

  The two policemen held Ben tightly and tried to pull Ben away, but before they did, Ben looked into Rumkowski's beady eyes and said, “I will kill you one day. Mark my words. One way or another I will find you, and I will kill you.” Ben had never been so bold in his entire life. But he had lost so much and suffered so deeply that he was no longer the same gentle man he had once been.

  Rumkowski laughed. He was bold and confident now that his two policemen were holding Ben tightly. “How dare you threaten me, you son of a bitch. I’ve got news for you. You’re going on the next transport out of here. Once the Nazis get their hands on you, I highly doubt you will have a chance to do anything to anyone.”

  CHAPTER 15

  Ben spent that night in a cell in Rumkowski’s office. If he had been able to get out, he would have tried to kill the man, would have strangled him with his own two hands. But Ben was locked in, and even if he screamed through the entire night no one would hear him.

  In the morning, Ben was taken out of his cell by two of the ghetto policemen. One of them Ben recognized as the same handsome, Jewish man who had held him off of Rumkowski the day before. There was something in the young man’s eyes that sent a chill down Ben’s spine. He looked at Ben with disdain, and Ben had no idea why this man would hate him so much.

  The two policemen held Ben tightly as they led him to the transport station. Try as he might to fight his way out of their grasp, Ben knew it was no use. There were two of them, and even one was much stronger than he. When they got to the train station, the police still held Ben in a tense grip while the train was being loaded. All the others who were being sent away were given half a loaf of bread with jam.

  “No bread and jam for you,” the handsome one said.

  “Why not just give it to him, Caleb?” the other policeman said. “He’s going on the damn transport. Might as well give him the food.”

  “He threatened Rumkowski,” the one called Caleb said. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

  The other policeman shrugged. “Sorry, fella,” he said to Ben.

  Once the train was overloaded with poor souls, Caleb pushed Ben forward. Before he forced Ben into the boxcar, Caleb whispered into Ben’s ear, “My name is Caleb Ornstein, and just so you know, I fucked your girlfriend.”

  Ben turned to look at Caleb in shock just as the steel door of the train car slammed shut, sealing Ben’s fate forever.

  CHAPTER 16

  The train car that Ben was loaded onto was not the same one as the children. This one was full of adults who were packed so tightly that they were forced to stand. There was no water and soon the little bit of food that the other’s had been given was gone. The smell of feces and urine mixed with the odor of sweat and fear permeated the air. It was pitch dark except for the light that came through the few cracks in the wooden planks. A hot and airless tomb. Many times, Ben felt dizzy as if he might faint. Every so often someone asked where they were going, but no one knew the answer. Sometimes, the sound of someone praying or weeping broke the silence in the death car. And occasionally, one of the prisoners spoke to another, but Ben remained silent.

  At first, the words that Caleb had whispered in Ben’s ear filled him with so much fury that he thought he would burst. It had been cold for the last week, but today it was hot for September. It was like autumn was belting out her last song before she gave way to the murderous winter cold that waited just around the corner. It stayed warm for several days making Ben think that the cold would have been more tolerable. But he found as the days passed, and the heat and the thirst overtook him, his rage at Caleb began to fade. He was weak, too weak to feel anger. There was a terrible ache in his head, and he felt dizzy and nauseated.

  Ben no longer felt the burning hunger that he’d come to accept as a part of life. He wasn’t hungry at all and that worried him. He began to wonder if he might be dying, and he began to believe that he could easily be dead before the end of this trip. He was fairly certain that the woman who was standing next to him had died. Her body remained in a standing position but only because the other people were sandwiched in so close to her that it kept her from dropping to the floor. He’d tried twice to speak to her, had even gone so far as to shake her shoulder. There’d been no answer. Ben couldn’t say exactly what killed her. But everyone knew that death lay around every corner, and it seemed obvious that the chances of dying were far greater than those of living.

  Held up by the man on Ben’s left and the wooden boxcar on his right, Ben began to drift off to sleep. He tried to make himself believe that he was headed to a better place, a place where he and Zelda might be reunited. Perhaps it really was a work camp. Perhaps they really would receive more food. Perhaps he could hold her in his arms again. He was exhausted, spent.

  Ben's eyes closed, and he saw a vision of Zelda smiling at him when the train came to a sudden and abrupt
halt. Everyone was hurled forward. Ben lost his footing; his heart began to race as the metal door was unlocked and flung open. The light of day stabbed his eyes. He’d been in the darkness so long that he could hardly see as he was forced out of the rail car in a rush of prisoners. His knees and legs were shaky, and he almost fell several times as the guards prodded the prisoners forward with their guns. “Shnell, you Jew swine,” they yelled; the vicious-looking dogs they held on leashes growled and barked. “Run! Run!” the guards yelled. As he ran, Ben saw skeletal-looking men in gray-striped uniforms with large, dark, and empty eyes standing on the sidelines of the crowd who were arriving. These men were crying out in languages he didn’t understand. There was a terrible smell, even worse than the smell in the train car. It made Ben feel like he might vomit, but there was no time to stop even as the bile rose in his throat. Ben swallowed hard, then he gagged and almost choked, but he kept running as the guards pushed him into a line. It felt like a horrific nightmare that Ben could not escape from.

  A man in a black SS officer’s uniform, with hair as black as a raven’s, was pointing to each prisoner. “Left, right, left, right.”

  “Yes, as you say, Herr Doctor,” one of the guards said, addressing the man in the black uniform.

  An old man, who was ahead of Ben in line, was sent to the left. Ben was sent to the right.

  “That’s Dr. Mengele,” someone said. “He’s a sadistic bastard.”

  Ben didn’t say a word. His eyes scanned the crowds in hopes of finding Zelda and the children. But there were so many people, and every time he stopped to look around for even a second, a guard either prodded him with a gun butt or hit him.

  The next several hours were broken down, in Ben’s mind, into moments of terror. He was smeared with a slimy, green fluid then told, “You are being sent to shower where you will be deloused. That’s because you’re filthy swine. All Jews are. Take off your clothes; fold them nicely, and leave them in a pile, then follow the line.”