Millions of Pebbles

by Roberta Kagan

  Joshua didn’t return to the block until late that night. Ben was still awake.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Everything is going to be all right. Jake will still work in the gas chambers, but he will be spared from death. It was the best I could do.”

  “Do you think you can trust him?”

  “I am pretty sure I can. Of course, there are no guarantees, but I’d be surprised if he didn’t keep his word. My friend values the secrets he and I share, and he values my friendship for various reasons. So, although I wouldn’t exactly say we are in a position of advantage, I would say things look good for Jake.”

  “He could kill you to keep you quiet. Have you thought about that?” Ben asked.

  “Yes, of course, I have. But then who would scratch his unspoken itch? He doesn’t want to lose me. So he’ll help me if he can. And I don’t think this will be very difficult for him.”

  “Thank God. And thank God for you, Josh. You saved Jake’s life,” Ben said.

  “Let’s hope so. I only did what I believe any of us would do for each other if we had the chance.”

  “Yes, I would do whatever I could for either of you. And I think Jake would too.”

  “I believe that,” Joshua said, yawning. “Get some sleep. It’ll be morning before you know it, and then we’ll have another long day of work ahead of us.”

  “But at least we’re pretty sure that Jake won’t die tomorrow.”

  CHAPTER 21

  Fall 1943

  A powerful cold front came through the camp in late November 1943. It penetrated the thin fabric of the prisoners' uniforms. All night long the prisoners in Ben and Joshua’s block coughed and sneezed.

  By Christmas, Joshua was very sick. His head was heavy with fever. Still, he forced himself to get out of bed and go to work. “If I don’t work, it’s just a matter of time before I’m going to be shot or sent to the gas.”

  “Why don’t you ask your friend if he can find a way to get you a little time off from work so you can recover?”

  “I’ll be all right,” Joshua insisted. But his face was flushed, and his hands and feet were cold to the touch. As they lay in bed at night, Ben could feel Joshua shivering. By the third day, Joshua was having trouble breathing. He told Ben that his chest ached.

  Not only was Ben worried sick about losing his best friend, but because Ben had been diagnosed at an early age with asthma he was also concerned that whatever Joshua had might be contagious. And Ben did not think he would survive any kind of lung disease.

  Three weeks passed with no word from SS Sturmmann Alarich Wolff. He usually sent for Joshua at least once a week. And although Joshua, who was deathly ill, had finally told Ben the SS Sturmmann’s name, Ben had not yet gone to see Wolff. He was afraid to go to Wolff and tell him that he knew about his friendship with Joshua. But he would have to do so if he was going to save his friend's life. There was no doubt in Ben’s mind that Wolff would not take kindly to him giving even the slightest indication that he was aware of the relationship between Wolff and Joshua. In fact, he was afraid that if he even attempted to talk to Wolff, the guard might have both Joshua and him executed in order to keep his secret safe. Every day Joshua grew weaker, until one morning he could not get out of bed. Ben felt his heart race in panic. The hospital, with the monsters that were referred to as doctors, was known to be a death trap for any prisoner unfortunate enough to find their way there. Rumors came from the inmates who worked in the hospital that the doctors performed unnecessary, and painful, experiments on the patients for nothing more than their own sadistic pleasures. Every prisoner Ben tried to ask for advice, about how to help Joshua, shuddered with fear at the mention of Dr. Clauberg and Dr. Mengele. They referred to Mengele as the angel of death. Ben had never met Clauberg. He’d only heard horror stories about him. However, he remembered Mengele. Josef Mengele had been present when the transport that carried Ben to Auschwitz first arrived at the camp. He didn’t know it at the time, but he later learned that Mengele was the attractive, young, dark-haired SS officer who had been standing in the selection line deciding which prisoners were fit to live and who deserved to die. It stood out in Ben’s mind how nonchalant Mengele had been as he made his decisions. He’d been so casual he might have been deciding what to have for lunch instead of the fate of the poor souls who stood at his mercy.

  That night when Ben was serving dinner, he saw a friend he knew who was in charge of cleaning up the hospital. He told the man that Joshua was very sick and asked him what he thought Ben should do.

  “Well,” the prisoner answered, “the hospital is a little different than the rest of the camp. Men and women are separated at the camp but not in the hospital. And let me tell you, Rabinowitz, the women patients are terrified of Clauberg. The bastard is working on efficient, but not necessarily humane or painless, methods for sterilizing woman. From what I have seen, he’s using some form of radiation. It’s terrible. The women he works on cry and cry, both from pain and from losing their ability to bear children. The sounds of their weeping and moaning fill the rooms all day and night. I don’t think anyone could rest there even if the two bastards weren’t sadistic excuses for doctors. Mengele isn’t interest in women. He has this morbid and sick fascination with twins, especially children. He has no conscience. I’ve seen him take healthy children and make them violently ill.”

  Ben shook his head. “I don’t know what to do.”

  “But not only that, Mengele is a cruel and heartless man who enjoys confusing and torturing the children. I saw him once give out candy to a group of Gypsy children and put his arms around them. Call me uncle, he told them. They were laughing and playing. But then Mengele turned toward the guard and told the guard to gas them.”

  “My God!” Ben said.

  The very idea of these evil men having control over Joshua, who was sick and weak and at their mercy, terrified Ben. Then two days passed with Joshua barely able to move. Ben lugged his friend out of bed and practically carried him to work in the kitchen. Then when he was certain the guards were busy, he risked his own safety by stealing food. If he’d been caught, Ben knew the penalty would be death. But to bribe the kapo, to cover for Joshua, he needed the food. As long as he was able to supply food, the kapo would not tell the Nazis that Joshua was too sick to work.

  Joshua grew weaker with each passing day until he was awake all night hacking and coughing. In the morning the straw where Joshua had laid his head was covered in mucus and blood. There was no denying it, Joshua was dying. And if something wasn’t done very quickly, he would be gone.

  Ben went to work, but his mind was on his friend. He didn’t know how long he had left, but if Joshua was still alive at the end of the day, Ben decided he had no other choice but to risk speaking to Wolff.

  CHAPTER 22

  His legs were unsteady as Ben made his way through the camp. He was headed to Wolff’s office. Several times along the way he thought of turning back, but he forced himself to go on.

  Ben entered the building. He was surprised that he was able to enter so easily without anyone stopping him. Although he’d never gone into the offices before, he was sure that in the past this had not been as easy. Looking around him and hoping that no one would stop him, Ben walked down the hall where he found the door to Wolff’s office half open. Peeking inside, he saw another man sitting at Wolff’s desk doing paperwork. There was a large, black dog lounging on a rug by the man’s side. I should go, Ben thought. I should leave here right now and go back to my block before I get in trouble. He stood paralyzed in the doorway, his palms sweating as he watched the man in the office. I want to run away from here but I can’t. I have to find Wolff. He is the only person who might be able to help Joshua.

  “Pardon me, SS Sturmmann,” Ben stuttered. “I was coming to speak to SS Sturmmann Wolff. Do you know where I can find him?”

  “What do you want with Wolff?” The man sat back in his chair and eyed Ben suspiciously.<
br />
  “I was told he wanted to see me about something having to do with my work in the kitchen,” Ben lied.

  “Hmm, I see. Well, it couldn’t have been very recently. He’s been transferred. He’s not here anymore. So go on back to your block. I’m busy.” The SS officer went back to his work.

  “He’s been transferred out of Auschwitz?” Ben asked, his heart pounding like a bomb ready to explode in his chest.

  The Sturmmann looked up from the papers he was sorting and stared at Ben, clearly annoyed. “I said he’s not here. He’s not at Auschwitz. You’re trying my patience. Now go before I get angry.”

  Ben stumbled out of the administration building and walked back to his block feeling defeated. I waited too long. Now there is nothing I can do for Joshua. His fate is in God’s hands.

  Joshua did not leave his bed that evening to have dinner.

  “I brought you some food,” Ben said.

  “I’m not hungry.” Joshua’s voice was scarcely audible.

  “You have to eat. If you don’t eat you’ll die,” Ben said. He’d just returned from the evening meal with a piece of hard bread in his pocket. It was his ration for the next day, but he tried to break off pieces and put them into Joshua’s mouth.

  “I’m sorry. I can’t eat. I can’t swallow,” Joshua said. “You’ve been a good friend to me. I’ve loved you. Don’t worry, you didn’t disappoint me. I always knew that you were not the way I am . . .” Joshua smiled a sad and wry smile. “I had no expectations.”

  “But I do love you, Josh. You can’t go and leave me in this hell all alone. You have been the only light in here. Everyone else is drowning in their own misery. Me included.”

  Joshua smiled. “You have Jake. Stick by him. He too is a good friend.”

  “Don’t you go dying on me . . .” Ben shook Joshua’s shoulders, who felt almost weightless in Ben’s hands. Tears ran down Ben’s cheeks. “You can’t die. I won’t let you.”

  “I have something to tell you,” Joshua said. “Remember when I told you that story about David, my childhood friend who I was in love with?”

  “Yes, I remember. Think of him. Stay alive so you can see him again. You have to tell him how you feel. You have to tell him that you love him.”

  Joshua laughed softly, then he began to choke. Blood ran from his lips. “That’s what I wanted to tell you. I lied to you and Jake. I told you both that I never told David that I loved him. I said that I believed he loved me too. Do you remember?”

  “Yes, I remember.”

  “Well, it wasn’t true. I told him. One day, he and I were alone on the beach and I told him. I said, 'I love you,' and then I tried to hold his hand. He pushed me away. He got up and ran across the beach. He never spoke to me again. I tried to go to his house to see him, but he wouldn’t see me. Then I heard that his family had left. So my dream of declaring my love and him returning it? That was nothing but a dream, a fantasy. Wishful thinking from a pathetic queer.”

  “Don’t call yourself that. Don’t, please. I love you.”

  “But not in that way. You love me as a brother, as a best friend. I’ve never been loved in the way I’ve always longed to be loved.” Joshua moaned

  “I love you in every way. Please, Josh, don’t die on me here in this place. Please don’t."

  “Let me go, Ben. I’m in pain, and I’m dying. It’s for the best. If I go now I can die making believe that someone like you could be in love with me, even if it’s not true.”

  “I do love you. I can’t give you what you want. I have always wished I could for your sake because you’ve given me so much. But it’s just not in me. If only there was something I could do to make you more comfortable, something that would bring back your will to live,” Ben said. He was crying now. He knew Joshua loved him. He’d known it for a long time even though Joshua had never told him.

  Joshua smiled wryly. “Yes, my will to live,” he said. “I’m so very tired. I need to sleep. But tell me again, Ben; tell me one more time, please. Say you love me.”

  “I love you,” Ben said, and he knew that not only had he just fulfilled a dream for his dear friend, but he had also just said goodbye.

  CHAPTER 23

  In the morning, Ben carried Joshua’s lifeless body out to the pile of corpses. As he laid what was left of his friend down on the ground, he had to keep reminding himself that Joshua’s soul had already left his body. Tears welled up behind his eyes as he went to work. Life in Auschwitz was hell, but it was even worse without his dear friend by his side.

  That evening, Ben told Jake that Joshua was dead, and the two of them sat together reminiscing.

  “He was one hell of a fella, that Josh. He kept me from giving up,” Jake said. “No matter how bad things got, he always knew what to say."

  “Yes, I know. I feel the same way. Now we have to find our own strength,” Ben said. “And I’ve never been a strong man.”

  “I have, and believe me, this place can break any man. Even the strongest.”

  The following day, another transport came through the already crowded camp. The man who came to take Joshua’s sleeping place beside Ben was more of a boy than a man. Ben thought he could be no more than seventeen.

  “Hello, I’m Isaac,” he said. Then he looked down at the straw and saw the dried blood. “That’s a lot of blood. What happened?”

  “My good friend died here,” was all Ben could muster.

  “I’m sorry,” Isaac said, turning the straw. “I’d find another place to sleep, but there’s nothing else open.”

  “I know. It’s all right,” Ben said. Then he got up and walked outside. He didn’t feel much like talking.

  A few minutes later, the whistle blew, and Ben was forced to go to bed. He lay there for several minutes thinking about Joshua. Tears fell from his eyes onto the dirty straw, and sleep finally overtook him.

  Ben dreamed of Zelda. He was holding her in his arms. They were dancing. It was their wedding day. She was radiant. He wore his skull cap and a beautiful tallit that she’d hand embroidered for him. Moishe was there too. He was laughing and playing with the other children. Joshua smiled at him. Joshua, his best man, looked healthy, strong, and handsome. And the food . . . oh, the food. There was so much delicious food. Ben could taste the sweet applesauce and the crisp latkes. The brisket melted in his mouth. He dipped the mandel bread into his coffee and put it into Zelda’s mouth. “Delicious,” she said.

  “I love you,” he whispered.

  “And I love you with all my heart.”

  The morning roll-call whistle jolted him awake. There was no food. Joshua was dead. Zelda and Moishe were missing. And Ben was alone.

  CHAPTER 24

  Summer 1944

  The heat of summer descended upon the Polish town where Auschwitz was located, bringing its own form of misery. Not only was the heat unbearable during midday, but the bedbugs were worse in summer than winter. All five crematoriums were working at full capacity all day long. They were burning bodies. The smell was overpowering in the summer heat. And the shower of ashes was a constant reminder to the prisoners that someday they might be burned, and their ashes could mix with the others in the constant death rain.

  Ben and Isaac became friends. However, Ben never allowed himself to become as close to Isaac as he’d been to Joshua. He didn’t want to care for another person only to lose him. However, he was still very close to Jake and often feared that if Jake died, he would be alone in the camp, without anyone. He found this idea terrifying, but in a strange way it was also freeing. Loving was dangerous in this place. It could cost a man dearly. The pain of loss had the power to strip away his will to live. It had almost done so to Ben when Joshua died. Sometimes he thought about Zelda or Moishe, and his heart ached so badly that he found it hard to get out of bed. So Ben forced himself to push everyone and everything he had ever loved out of his mind.

  The Sunday evening card games continued, but now Isaac took Joshua’s place. And Ben found he looked
forward to them less and less. He was tired, worn out from starvation, loss, and overwork, and if it would not have been a terrible disappointment to Jake, he would have preferred to be alone. All he wanted to do, if he had a spare moment, was lie down.

  One hot night at the end of July, Ben returned from work to find Jake waiting for him in his block.

  “What’s wrong? Why are you here?” Ben asked.

  “Nu? Something has to be wrong?” Jake asked. “I can’t just come to see you?”

  “It usually mean’s there’s a problem when you come during the week. So what is it?”

  “You’ll never guess who arrived here on the transport this afternoon.”

  “Zelda?” Ben’s heart leapt. “Is it? Or Moishe? Lila?”

  Jake turned away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you excited. No, it’s not Zelda, Moishe, or Lila. Rumkowski arrived here today.”

  “Oh,” Ben said, unable to hide his disappointment. He was disappointed that he would not see a beloved face. But he was also glad that no one he loved had arrived in this terrible place. As long as they were not in Auschwitz, he could hope and believe that they were alive and safe in a much better place.

  “You know there are other fellows from the Lodz ghetto who work with me in the sonderkommando. They know Rumkowski too. And, like you and me, they want to see Rumkowski suffer. So we were all talking today.”

  Ben wanted to see Rumkowski pay for his crimes but not nearly as badly as he wanted to see Zelda and Moishe safe and alive. “Yes,” he said.

  “We want to trap him and bring him into the crematorium on a Sunday when no one is there and then . . .”