by Jill Penrod
Chapter 12
“Carpenter, I want to apologize,” Sam said Wednesday morning. “I’m sorry we embarrassed you.”
“I shouldn’t be so sensitive,” Shawn said, shrugging. “The fire was six years ago; I should have learned to live with it by now.”
“Well, I still apologize,” he said. “Ms. Clearwater felt pretty badly as well. She was quiet all evening.”
“Thank you, sir,” he said. “You wanted to talk to me about floors?”
“Right,” Sam said, breaking into a long discussion about floors. For a time, Shawn threw himself into his work, trying to distract himself, but every time he heard a vehicle he jumped, expecting to be face to face with Mr. Clearwater or Jenny. He knew he needed to see them, but he didn’t want to rush it.
He didn’t have to wait long. Mr. Clearwater showed up just after lunch, and he pulled Shawn aside.
“My daughter is very worried about you, Mr. Carpenter,” he said quietly. He seemed as uncomfortable as Shawn felt.
“I’m fine, sir. I’m sorry I upset her. I plan to tell her that as soon as I see her again.”
“She picked up a bug somewhere, so it may be a few days. You were in a fire. She told me that much.”
“Yes. My father accidentally started a house fire. I don’t like to show off the scars. I don’t know how to react to people’s fear and pity when they see them.”
“That would be hard. I know I was as surprised as anyone. I’m sorry if my reaction offended you.”
“It’s okay, sir. I need to get used to it.”
“I saw you with Jenny on the roof yesterday. I’m concerned about your friendship with her.”
“I understand, sir. I meant to talk to you, to apologize for not being as careful with our hearts as I promised. I’ve been unfair to her. I need to apologize to her for that, and then I will put a safer distance between us.”
Mr. Clearwater was silent for a moment, and Shawn looked into his face, surprised to see disapproval again.
“I wish you well, Mr. Carpenter. I hope you’re truly doing what is best for the both of you. I don’t mind my daughter having male friends, you know.”
Shawn nodded, not at all sure what Mr. Clearwater was saying, and the man then disappeared. Shawn was left with his thoughts for the rest of the day, and they weren’t entirely comforting. He was sorry Jenny was sick. Both for her sake and for his, he hoped to get these apologies out of the way and move toward truly mending everything he had botched.
When Seth didn’t show up to group, Shawn was disappointed. Violet attended, not meeting Shawn’s gaze the entire evening, and he wondered just how much Seth had surprised her with his decision not to see her anymore.
“So, will your Mom be at church this weekend?” Alex asked, approaching Shawn at the meeting’s end.
“I hope so,” Shawn said, smiling. “I’m not going anywhere Saturday, so we should be fine. She was pretty worried last week.”
“So was my mom. Tom didn’t help by telling her most of our little adventure. He has this thing about being completely honest with her.”
He shrugged, laughing, and looked around.
“Jenny and Seth are gone tonight,” he said. “I guess Seth had to work?”
“I’m not sure. Jenny has a flu, though.”
“Ugh. Summer bugs are the worst. I was afraid I’d get sick after being in that water, but my tough hide seems fine.”
“I’m glad. I was a little worried about you.”
“Well, I hate to admit it, but it will be a long time before I go underground again. Will you be at Hope Saturday?”
“I assume so,” Shawn said.
“As a foreman or a college student?”
“Mr. Clearwater and Marty haven’t told me yet.”
“Mr. Clearwater seems to like you. He never turns over Hope to anybody but Marty, Jenny, or Julie. And speaking of Julie, here she comes, looking just lovely tonight.”
“Thank you,” she said, laughing. “Alex, may I have a minute?”
“Of course,” he said, bowing slightly as he left. Julie chuckled.
“So,” Shawn said, his heart suddenly racing. “What can I do for you?”
“Jenny is sorry she couldn’t be here tonight. She told me about yesterday. She felt terrible for hurting your feelings, and she asked me to apologize until she could do it herself.”
“She doesn’t need to apologize. I was in a house fire six years ago. Until a few weeks ago nobody had ever seen the scars. I even kept a lot of it from my mother. So, I still react like it just happened.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. From her reaction he thought Jenny had already told her this. “She also said…hmm. Shawn, do you like her? I mean really like her? This is just between you and me.”
“In the past few days I’ve learned this kind of conversation can only get me into trouble,” he said. “She’s a friend. I hope she’s always a friend.”
Julie nodded and patted his arm. “You’re a smart guy, Shawn.”
“Right now, opinions vary,” he said, shaking his head. “You haven’t heard from Seth, have you?”
“No. Why?”
“Nothing. Tell Jenny I hope she feels better soon. It’s no fun to be sick in the summer.”
“True. Will you come to fireworks Friday?”
“I wouldn’t miss it,” he said, smiling. She grinned broadly, a beautiful smile, and then she left. Shawn took a deep breath and decided to approach Violet.
“Hey,” he said quietly. “Are you okay?”
“What did he tell you?” she said.
“He told me you and he were on different paths, and he was going to stop seeing you because it wasn’t fair to keep going.”
She nodded, seeming to relax.
“He was sweet. I suspected he wasn’t happy with things, but I tried to ignore it. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He’s the greatest guy, but…”
“But?” Shawn asked boldly.
“He knew a long time ago that we wouldn’t work, I think, but he didn’t want to let go. I think he’s lonely. Hard to believe. He and Alex are the life of every party, but they can still be lonely.”
“Yeah,” Shawn said. “You haven’t talked to him today, have you?”
“No. I’m surprised he isn’t here. He had today off.”
Shawn nodded, feeling a rock in his stomach. So, Seth, he thought, where are you? The last time he’d lost his temper at someone, that person ended up dead. He hoped Seth was just at home nursing his wounds.
He left immediately, and he prayed all the way to Seth’s house, admitting to God the panic he felt in his gut and pleading with Him for Seth to be okay. He was slightly calmer when he got to the apartment, but when Seth didn’t answer his door, he thought he would die on the spot.
“Seth!” he called. “Come on, buddy. If you’re in there please answer the door. Seth, I’m sorry. Please come out.”
But nobody responded, and reluctantly he returned to his car and went home. Mom and Tony were still gone, and the silence of the house disturbed him. He called Seth, but his friend didn’t answer the phone. He called Seth’s mom, trying to keep the worry out of his voice as he asked for him, but Seth was not there, either.
“Okay,” he said out loud, sitting at the table. “When Seth gets all worried about me, I get offended. I guess I deserve to have the tables turned. Lord, where is he? I know he’s fine, and he can take care of himself, but how do I relax and wait for him to show up? If Jenny wasn’t sick, I’d call her.”
No, he thought, he should call Julie. Julie knew him as well as Jenny, and the pair of them knew him better than anyone. He ran upstairs and got the Porter College directory and called Julie immediately.
“Hello?” she asked.
“Julie, this is Shawn.”
“Sure,” she said. “What’s up?”
“Julie, I know I’m worrying for nothing, but I can’t find Seth. Yest
erday he and Violet broke up, and he and I had some words, and now I’m worried. Do you have any idea where he’d go?”
“Let me think. He was upset?”
“He was more upset than I’ve ever seen him. He threw me out of his apartment.”
“Wow,” she said quietly. “He was upset. Violet hasn’t seen him?”
“No. He didn’t have to work today, either. Like I said, I know I’m going to feel foolish later on, but I just know how upset he was, and how I helped him get that upset, and I can’t stop worrying.”
“Seth doesn’t get upset often, but when he does, he does it well. Usually he doesn’t disappear, though. You called his mom?”
“I did.”
“Anyone else?”
“No. Alex hasn’t seen him, I don’t think.”
“How about Ben?”
“I didn’t think about that,” Shawn admitted.
“They’re pretty close. Let me call around a little, okay? Don’t worry, Shawn; we’ll find him. He’ll be okay.”
“Thanks, Julie. For everything.”
She laughed, and then she was gone. He was forced to sit and wait and imagine the worst, and he opened his Bible and read through Psalms. Somehow it calmed him to read of King David’s feelings. Jenny was right; David was full of passions and strong emotions. Shawn realized he was, too, even though he tried to hide them, and Seth was as well, not bothering to hide them. He still wasn’t sure what Jenny had meant about Seth holding his friends too close, but he saw she was right about him having great passions and being meant for great things. She had also seemed to know Seth might try something with Violet. Jenny’s insights into her friends amazed him, but it also alarmed him. He wondered how much she knew about him, things he hadn’t told her and might not want her to know.
Then he stopped himself. His friendship with Jenny Clearwater was all but finished. He knew it was best, but the thought left a bleak hole in his heart. Whoever finally courted her and won her heart was one blessed man.
Shawn jumped when the phone rang, almost disappointed to hear his mom on the other end.
“Shawn, I’m sorry I didn’t call last night,” she said. “Grandma wasn’t feeling well, so Tony and I decided to come and help Eleanor with her. It’s okay? We’ll be back Saturday morning. I promise we’ll make it to church this week.”
“Mom, it’s fine. And I promise I won’t be stuck in a cave this time.”
She laughed. “I must admit I was a little worried when you didn’t show last weekend. Tom and Alex’s mom called, and I was actually calming her. I think talking to her helped me relax about going to your church. She was nice, and she’s just a plain old worrying mother.”
“I’m glad you two connected,” he said. “Tony will enjoy the youth group, I think.”
“I can see how it’s changed you,” she said. “For the past couple years I was worried about you. Tony makes friends everywhere, but you throw yourself into your work. I like having college kids coming around.”
“Thanks, Mom,” he said, his heart aching. It seemed in one day he’d alienated all the friends who’d been coming around. “You two give Grandma a hug for me.”
“I will. I love you, Shawn.”
“I love you, too, Mom.”
He hung up, and he had to smile. She hadn’t even gotten to church yet, and he was seeing changes in his mom. He shouldn’t have hidden so many things from her. Knowing them seemed to help her somehow. And he was glad she could see changes. Today he needed to be told he was growing, because he was having trouble convincing himself.
Time dragged. He read more Psalms, but he grew more distracted and less able to pay attention to the words as time moved on. Seth, he kept thinking, come back. I’m sorry. I’ve never been so sorry.
At eleven thirty the phone rang, and he jumped. When Julie’s voice greeted him happily, he started to breathe again.
“I found him,” she said. “You’ll be surprised to hear how far he went. He’s at Vinnie’s.”
“Vinnie?” Shawn asked. “Vinnie lives three hours away.”
“I know. I didn’t talk to him, Shawn. I just told Vinnie we were worried about him. Seth was already asleep. Vinnie said Seth showed up at his doorway this morning, and he hasn’t really told him anything’s wrong. He said he just wanted to visit. I didn’t tell Vinnie anything. I said we missed him at group, and someone started to worry. You know, he must have been pretty upset to drive that far. Seth hates to drive.”
“Yeah,” Shawn said, feeling guilty. “Like I said, we exchanged some words. Julie, please pray for us. Seth is my friend, regardless of how he may feel at the moment.”
“Sure,” she said. “No problem, Shawn. I’m sure it will all be okay once he gets home. Seth doesn’t hold grudges.”
He hung up the phone and went to his room, thinking about things. It didn’t please him to know Seth had had to go so far for comfort, to know he didn’t feel anyone here could help him. He knew it was his fault he’d had to do it, that right now Seth wasn’t just distrustful of Shawn, but also Jenny, with whom he could usually be open. And Vinnie and Seth, while good roommates, had never been close friends, so Shawn knew he’d really not get the understanding there he wanted, either.
Sleep eluded him for a long time, so he prayed, finally feeling a strange peace. He was only human, and therefore he sinned. While it wasn’t okay to sin, he knew God allowed him to confess, and once he turned it over to God, he could let it go. Jesus had paid for all the sins, even those he had yet to commit, and forgiveness was complete and had been for two thousand years. He had to apologize to people and make amends, but he could let go of the guilt. It was hard to comprehend it all, but that didn’t make it less true, and those truths helped him fall asleep after a difficult day.
“Dad, I think I’m old enough to go away with my friends for a weekend.”
“And I said you aren’t going,” Dad said, standing, angrier than he usually got. “Lately I don’t seem to be getting the respect around here I used to. Is it because I lost my job? I’m not good enough for you anymore?”
“No, of course not. You get plenty of respect,” Shawn said. “I just want to go to the beach with Andrew and Thomas. Just for a weekend. I haven’t gotten to go out much since…”
He shrugged, knowing right away he’d made a mistake. He saw fury in his father’s eyes, and he backed up. Dad tossed his cigarette over Shawn’s shoulder, and Shawn flinched.
“Since I’ve been here? Well, maybe it’s time I spend more time here. Your mother lets you boys get away with anything you want. You need some good solid discipline.”
“Discipline?” Shawn spat. “Dad, you lost your job because you never showed up. You’re always drinking. Why would I take advice from you?”
His dad’s eyes blazed, and he lunged at Shawn, shoving him against the wall. Shawn closed his eyes in fear, and then he felt the pain as the smoke filled his nose. He screamed as he realized he was burning, and he struggled to get away from his father. His knee twisted, but he managed to get away. Dad’s eyes filled with terror, then, and remorse, and Shawn slapped at his clothes, trying to stop the flames that swallowed him.
“No,” he called. He sat up and panted. A dream, he thought. Just a dream. One I haven’t had in a long time. It can’t hurt me. It’s just a memory. Relax.
But he didn’t relax. His heart seemed to beat out of his chest, and he couldn’t control his panting. He lay in bed for a long time before sleep found him again.
On Friday Jenny came back to work. All week Shawn had been at Clearwater Homes, but on Friday he’d been told to go to Hope to prepare for the weekend. The Porter group would side one house, and a local high school group would paint another. Shawn would help prepare the painting house, but on Saturday he’d just help with the Porter group like everyone else. He was surprised to be disappointed.
When he got to the site, Je
nny and Julie stood with two men. Jenny caught his eye as he pulled in, and she waved and approached.
“It’s nice to see you healthy,” he said.
“Thanks,” she said. “I had a killer flu. Julie told me about Seth. Is he back yet?”
“No.”
“I hope he’s okay. Anyway, I’m sorry I reacted so badly to your skin. I mean, I knew Tony had seen something. I knew you’d been in a fire and had scars from it, but I didn’t have any idea what it looked like.”
“Pretty gross.”
“Not even that, really. I just found myself imagining how much it must have hurt.”
“Oh. It did.”
“And I know Sam and I contributed to whatever happened with you and Seth.”
“All around, it wasn’t my best day,” Shawn agreed. “But I shouldn’t have done a lot of what I did that day. I’m sorry I ran off. You’ve seen me do it twice, but it isn’t how I usually handle things.”
“It’s okay,” she said.
“Well, I suppose we should get to work,” he said. He was enjoying talking to her too much, and he saw she was enjoying it, too. He needed to let her go so she could find the right person, so he could be true to his word to Mr. Clearwater.
The rest of the day was difficult. He found himself avoiding Jenny and Julie, unsure how to deal with them. He wondered a couple times if Seth had been right, if he was even capable of pulling away, but he was sure he had to try. Jenny needed someone more mature and knowledgeable, someone who could be her spiritual head, but if he stayed with her, he fell more in love with her, and she had to sense that. It just wasn’t right.
Just before they quit for the day, Julie broke away from Jenny and approached Shawn, scowling.
“Is something wrong?” she asked.
“No. Why?”
“I don’t know. You just seem distant today. I know how worried you are about Seth.”
“No, it isn’t that. I don’t know, Julie.”
“I think I do,” she said quietly, patting Shawn’s arm. “It will all work out, Shawn Carpenter.”
She left, and he frowned, tired of people being cryptic with him: first Jenny, when discussing Seth, and then Mr. Clearwater and his mixed messages concerning Jenny, and now Julie. He felt like everyone knew something he didn’t, and he was ready for Seth to come home so he wouldn’t be surrounded by so many secrets. He only hoped Seth would forgive him.
Somehow, it was already the fourth of July, and Shawn sat on a blanket between Tom and Mark in the light of dusk on a large hill overlooking a river. Boaters sped by, and Alex suggested next year they rent a boat and watch from the water.
Jenny, Julie, Alex, and Steve sat behind them, and Ben sat on Shawn’s other side. The rest of the group sat all around, forty people total. The hill was also covered with strangers, but tonight, this night of all nights, they weren’t strangers. They were fellow Americans.
Shawn loved July Fourth. Politics made him crazy, and he’d never liked to learn history, but this was the one day he thought about those things and the one day he felt really connected to all of it. The same sense of belonging was now his at other times, too, whenever his Christian friends got together, but he still felt connected tonight, as people who were complete strangers laughed at one another’s kids romping between blankets and shared the occasional soda or sparkler.
“Seth isn’t back yet?” Julie asked, moving forward and talking into Shawn’s ear. Jenny moved forward as well.
“I called a couple hours ago.”
“Remember when he did this in the eleventh grade?” Jenny asked. “I don’t even remember what set him off. I just remember him taking his dad’s car and driving to his grandparents’ house. He was gone a whole week.”
“It was a strange week,” Julie said.
“He’ll be okay,” Jenny said. “Shawn, are we ready for tomorrow?”
“I got the siding ready, if you got the paint.”
“Daddy won’t let me do anything yet, since I was sick,” Jenny said. “I picked out paint all afternoon.”
“He’s right,” Julie said. “You were really sick.”
“Oh, I know he’s right. I just don’t want to take the time to recuperate. I want to jump back into things like nothing happened.”
“We really don’t want to spend our time tomorrow taking you to the emergency room,” Shawn said. “So, you take it easy.”
“Right,” Mark said, laughing. “Emergency room visits are for you.”
He laughed with them, and then he caught Julie’s eye. He knew Julie had decided, as had Seth, that Shawn and Jenny made a good pair. It reminded Shawn of his decision to keep a distance, but as they sat and talked he couldn’t think of a legitimate reason to get out of the conversation, so he just enjoyed it. Anyway, in this group setting, he surely couldn’t be doing anything wrong.
The sky finally darkened, and the first firework launched into the sky. The crowd quieted, and Shawn was again filled with the connectedness he’d thought about earlier. For a moment he experienced the sense of longing he’d felt at the ocean, the desire to belong to something bigger than himself and the desire to have it last forever and to go away because it was too big. He shuddered, and Jenny leaned forward.
“Glimpse of Heaven?” she said knowingly. She was uncanny in her ability to do that.
“Yes,” he whispered.
“Same here. Every year.”
