by Jill Penrod
Chapter 13
Shawn wasn’t sure he’d ever felt better about walking into church. His mother was on one arm, and Tony stood on his other side, and he had a feeling things would be okay. Mom had been nervous this morning, but she had gotten up and gotten ready, and Shawn knew she was beautiful. He told her so, hoping to ease her mind, but she just laughed and kissed his head as though he’d made a joke.
He found the Schneiders quickly, and he introduced his mom to Alex’s mom. They instantly began to whisper together, and Shawn sat down at her side, unable to stop smiling. They were quite early, and the organ played a slow tune, and people moved through the sanctuary, speaking quietly. In a moment someone tapped him on the shoulder, and he looked up at Jenny, who smiled broadly. A bright blue dress showed off her dark eyes, and she was lovely.
“Mom, this is Jenny Clearwater,” he said. Mom nodded.
“Jenny, I’m pleased to meet you. You work with Shawn sometimes, right?”
“I do. He’s great with a hammer. I’m glad to see you here. It means a lot to Shawn. Tony, come look for me when the service is over, and I’ll help you find your Sunday school class.”
“Sure,” he said, smiling at her. Jenny left, and Mom tapped Shawn playfully.
“You never said she was so pretty,” she said.
“She is, isn’t she?” he said, watching her walk to her front row seat.
The organ continued to play, and Mom looked through the bulletin. Tony did as well, asking Shawn questions about what to expect, and Shawn showed him the hymnal and promised to help him find the Bible passages. When Mrs. Roberts patted his shoulder, he jumped, not expecting anyone else to approach.
“Shawn, can I talk to you?” she asked.
“Sure.” He slid past Tony and stood near her in the aisle.
“Shawn, did Seth tell you when he’d be back?”
“No, ma’am.”
“The phone company called yesterday. Apparently they had him scheduled last night, and he didn’t call in. I didn’t even know he was planning a trip until he called to say he was in Springville with Vinnie. Is he okay?”
“He will be. I think he’s having trouble with a relationship. He just needed some time.”
“Will you call me when he contacts you?”
“I will,” Shawn said. Mrs. Roberts looked tired and drained, and he hugged her gently, surprising himself at his boldness. “It will be okay. We’ve talked to Vinnie, and he’s okay.”
“Thank you. You’re a good friend.”
She left, and he sat down again. He wished he really was a good friend; then Seth would be here, and his mother wouldn’t be worried.
The organ stopped, and the service began. Pastor Morgan was amazing, a small man with a deep voice who spoke about God with authority and intelligence. The man said nothing without backing it up in the Bible, which gave Shawn confidence. Being a new Christian, he realized it would be easy for someone to teach him false things, but with a verse to back up everything, he always felt assured he was learning the truth.
This morning the pastor spoke about forgiveness, about Christians forgiving one another and others, and Shawn knew it was what his mother needed to hear. For that matter, it was what Shawn needed to hear. Pastor Morgan brought up the passage he and Jenny had discussed, the end of John, where Jesus prayed for unity for his children, and Shawn had to smile. The smile was followed by pain, though, as he looked ahead at Jenny and knew he could no longer be with her what he had been.
He also thought about Seth as the pastor spoke. He hoped Seth wouldn’t be alone; he hoped Seth would have more than the fellowship of a church when he moved into his life. He wanted a mate, a lifelong companion, and Shawn hoped he’d have one. Seth had more to give than most people did, a love and loyalty that would make some woman feel deeply loved someday.
At some point Shawn realized his mother was crying. Mrs. Schneider gave her a tissue, and she dabbed her eyes with it. Tony didn’t seem aware of this, looking up at the pastor with such attention Shawn checked to make sure he still breathed, but Shawn found himself watching her, hoping her heart was opening to these words and not closing them away.
When the service was over, several people came to say hello, and Alex pulled Shawn aside, grinning.
“It worked. She’s here. Are you thrilled?”
“I hope she doesn’t decide never to return,” Shawn said.
“My mom will call her this week. She may even pop in this afternoon if you’re going to be home.”
“We’ll be there.”
“Any word from Seth yet? Julie told me he made an unexpected trip to Springville. Surprises me. He and Vinnie never seemed that tight.”
“I don’t know when he’ll be back.”
“I hope it’s soon. It’s just not the same at group or Hope without him.”
“True,” Shawn said. He glanced around, and Violet waved to him to join her. Jenny came for Tony, and Mrs. Schneider took his mom to her class, and Shawn made his way to Violet.
“Where did he go?” she asked, sounding near panic. “I can’t get him on the phone, and he’s missed two group functions.”
“He left town for a while. He’ll be back soon,” Shawn said, hoping it was true.
“It’s my fault he left. I feel horrible. I made him feel horrible.”
“No, it’s my fault he left. He was having a hard day, and instead of being a friend I fought with him. He went to see Vinnie.”
She nodded. “Call me when he’s back, okay? I wish he’d stayed here to hurt. We’re his friends.”
Shawn nodded. He’d been thinking the same thing for several days now.
He heard nothing in Sunday school. He watched Violet, and Alex, and mostly Jenny Clearwater. His mind raced, moving from topic to topic so fast his thoughts were just a painful buzzing in his head. He thought he’d let God take away his guilt feelings concerning Seth, but today he’d pulled them back out to chew on some more. He thought he was abandoning his friendship with Jenny to benefit both of them, but every time he looked at her he wanted to cry. Somewhere along the line he’d truly become part of these people’s lives, enough to wreck them with just a few words and feelings. He was surprised it was so easy to make such a mess of things.
Soon the class was over, and he left without stopping to talk to anyone. Mark and Tom looked like they wanted to catch him, but he moved through a crowd to lose them and went to find his family.
Shawn and Mom were silent as they walked to the car, but Tony couldn’t stop talking. The kids in his class had been nice to him, and he wanted to come again next week. He wanted to know if he could have a Bible of his own, which Shawn promised to buy him, and he wanted to know if he could join the middle school youth group. Mom said she’d think about it. He didn’t like that answer, so he asked Shawn to convince her, but he told Tony the decision was Mom’s. He seemed to buy that, and he grew quiet as they got in the car.
“You’re quiet,” Mom said to him.
“Seth wasn’t here today,” he said, wanting to talk to somebody about this. “He left town a few days ago. He was upset about some things, and I’m worried.”
“You know where he went?”
“I do. But I’m part of the reason he left. I can’t seem…. We argued. Last time I argued with someone, he died.”
“Oh, Shawn,” Mom said, leaning over to hug his head. “People argue all the time. Shawn, I’ve said this many times, and I want you to believe it. Your father’s death had nothing to do with you. Not really. Your pastor today talked about forgiveness, and I didn’t want to hear it. I don’t want to forgive. Anger is so much easier. But you have to forgive yourself.”
“I just want Seth to come back safely, and I want us to be close again. I don’t know if that can happen.”
They remained silent for the rest of the drive home, and Mom made a quick lunch. Nobody said much while they ate, and when Tony excused himself, Mom f
inally talked about the church service.
“I was offended by the things your pastor said. I didn’t want to hear it. But I’m wondering if he’s right. You’ve said the same thing.”
He nodded, and she continued.
“I don’t know what to think. I’ve seen this belief in a God change you. And I like the changes I see. But it’s all too new to me. I think it sounds nice, a God who loves us, who cares about us. But then I think about your dad, and my marriage, and your burns, and I wonder if a God really cares at all. Your dad was a good guy. But he went wrong. How can that be part of a loving God’s plan? And a lot of people have easy lives with no thought of a God at all.”
“What are their deaths like?” Shawn asked.
“What?”
“Those people with easy lives. What happens to them when they die?”
“I don’t know.”
“If there is a God, and if he’s the God in my Bible, they get fifty nice years and then an eternity of hell. I’ll take the hard life and an eternity in heaven.”
“Well, you have had the hard life. I wish you hadn’t. I had an easy childhood. I had good parents. I never meant for my children to have anything different.”
“Mom, I have a question. I want an honest answer.”
“Okay,” she said hesitantly.
“Do you think I’m ready to get married?”
“Is it the young lady who you work with?” she asked. “The pretty one?”
“It doesn’t matter. Do you think I have the maturity to take care of a family? To be in a committed relationship?”
“You’ve been mature enough to take a big role in this family for years. I think you’re too young, but yes, I suppose I’d have to say you’re ready. Maybe you aren’t even too young. My marriage turned out all wrong. I get afraid for you and Tony.”
He nodded, his mind on Jenny and Seth and then his mother. He wasn’t sure what to say to her about Christianity, but suddenly he realized it was out of his hands. Although he could point the way—and he planned to keep doing that—only the Spirit could change her heart. Somehow it calmed him to think about that.
“So, you’re not going to tell me why you asked this question?” Mom asked impatiently.
“Oh, sorry. Yeah, it’s Jenny. I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about her lately, about how to treat her. Ah, I think I’m going to spend some time in my room this afternoon. I could use a nap.”
“Shawn, I don’t know how I feel about your church, but I think I’ll keep going for a while. Is that okay?”
“Sure,” he said, smiling. “Can Tony join the youth?”
“Yes. You can tell him. I think he’ll be glad.”
Shawn ran up the stairs and gave Tony the news. He was indeed glad, and he asked Shawn if he’d play basketball with him.
“Sorry, kid. I’d love to, but I keep hurting this knee. I need to take it easy. I thought maybe I’d nap.”
“Boring,” Tony said. “I’ll be outside.”
The doorbell rang, and Tony peered out his window.
“Cool,” he said. “Alex and Tom are out there.”
They went downstairs, where Mrs. Schneider and Mom were heading into the kitchen. Tom and Alex went outside with Tony to play ball, and Shawn followed, sitting on the curb to watch. In a few minutes Tom joined him, and the other two started a game of horse.
“What did your mom say about church?”
“She’s not sure she liked it, but she’s going to try again.”
“Well, that’s something. Any word from Seth?”
“No. Does everybody know what happened to Seth?”
“I’m not sure. I know he went to see Vinnie after he broke up with Violet.”
“Yeah. He was pretty upset.”
“Seth gets upset sometimes. Not often, though. Do you know what caused him to break up with Violet?”
“Sort of, but I’m not talking. I did some talking the other day and really got myself into trouble.”
“That’s easy to do,” Tom said. “Alex does it a lot. People who use their mouths a lot have to apologize for their mouths a lot.”
Shawn chuckled. “I don’t use my mouth that much, but I still find myself apologizing.”
“Well, we all have days like that, too. I’m sorry I missed Hope on Saturday. How’d it go?”
“Good. This cooler weather makes things easier. It was nice not to be in charge, though.”
“Do you mean that? You always seem to be enjoying yourself out there.”
“I suppose I do. I really liked working with the teenagers. Mr. Clearwater has asked me to help again this week, and I’m looking forward to it.”
“I think it would be great to work with Christians, like you work with Jenny and Julie and Marty. Sometimes at the shop, the other guys start telling jokes and stories that are really offensive. Alex is bold enough to ask them to stop, but they don’t really like us because of that. It’s not much fun.”
“I do like working with them. But, when I work at Clearwater Homes, I run into some of that, too. Mr. Clearwater himself says it’s hard to know how to handle that. I wonder when I should say anything about God.”
“That’s hard,” Tom said. “Watch Seth. He has a special ability to know when to speak and when to hold his tongue. God has prepared him well for the mission field.”
Shawn nodded, wondering when Seth would come home.
“So, you’re not a basketball player?”
“I am, but I still have trouble with the knee.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. You know, I think I hurt it a long time ago, and at the beach I just hurt it again. I had forgotten that until recently. It’s odd.”
Tom looked at him with a bit of concern on his face, and Shawn laughed.
“I got hurt once. House fire. In the chaos I twisted my knee, but in the aftermath I forgot. I had a lot of burns to think about.”
“Oh. Doesn’t sound like fun.”
“No. But it’s life.”
They fell into a comfortable silence and watched Alex beat Tony at horse. Tom got into the next game, and after about an hour and a half Mrs. Schneider and Mom emerged, laughing.
“Thursday night, then?” Mrs. Schneider asked.
“Shawn, can you be home to watch Tony?”
“Sure.”
“Emily, I’m looking forward to it,” Mom said.
They left, and Shawn followed his mom back into the house.
“So, what’s Thursday?”
“Emily and I are going out to dinner. Just the two of us. She’s really a nice woman. When she showed up I thought she was here to plug the church. But she was nice. She wants more single friends.”
“I’m glad you two hit it off,” he said sincerely. “I’ve had a long week. I’m taking a nap.”
