“It’s not just about the chicken,” he said, hardly moving his lips as he spoke. “It’s about everything. Even when I try, I fuck up. I don’t…I want to be good, but I—I’m afraid it’s impossible.”
I went to sit beside him, leaning against him as if I could hold him up, prop him up and steer him away from the cliff he teetered on. “It’s not impossible, but it is hard.”
Sawyer was quiet for a while, and I thought it was because he was listening to me, thinking about what I said, but when he opened his mouth next, he proved me wrong, “You deserve better than me.”
Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever heard five words that hurt as much.
They hurt me because I hated how low he thought of himself. I had fucked up too; I was on no pedestal here, and yet he acted as if I was an angel sent from God himself.
“Do you think everyone downstairs is perfect?” I asked, causing his head to turn to look at me. “Do you think I’m perfect?”
His eyes fell to my mouth for a split-second, and then he had to look away again.
“They’re not, and I sure as hell ain’t, either.” My shoulders rose and fell with a single breath, and I hated what I was about to say, but that didn’t stop me from asking, “Do you want to know what I did after that Halloween party?”
“You went with your ex,” he muttered. It was ridiculous how handsome he was, even with his wide shoulders slumped.
“Yeah, but I didn’t just go with him.” Tonight was a night of reliving painful memories, and when the next batch flashed in the back of my mind, I felt sick. “I slept with him. More than once. And unlike you, I wasn’t drunk or high. I knew what I was doing, and I did it anyway. The point is, I’m not perfect. No one in this house is. If you think you’re not good enough for us, for me, you’re wrong. I don’t want you to be perfect, Sawyer.”
It was true. I didn’t want a perfect Sawyer. I just wanted him.
“I want you at your best and your worst, because that’s how you’ll get me. That’s life. Nothing is perfect. Bad shit always happens, but as long as we deal with it together, everything will be okay,” I said, sounding worlds more confident than I felt.
Deep down, I was scared. This was all new to me. Ray had been my world for so long, and then it was always nightmares and panic, a false bravado. I’d never had multiple boyfriends before, never had to navigate drama like this.
I thought I did pretty well, considering that.
Sawyer’s green eyes glanced at me, and he whispered, “I don’t deserve you.”
“It’s not about what you deserve,” I said, and then, before I could say anything else, Sawyer’s top half turned to me, and he leaned his large frame against mine, burying his face in the crook of my neck. An awkward hug if there ever was one, but a hug all the same. His arms wrapped around my lower back, and I did my best to cradle his head against me. A similar position to the one we’d taken in the shower before Ray was gone, when Sawyer actually broke down in tears.
My heart actually ached for this one. It hurt, knowing how much pain he was in. I wanted to help him.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered against me, his breath hot on my neck. The way he clung to me, as if I was his world, his everything, made my gut warm.
“It’s okay. You can always try cooking me chicken another night—”
He lifted his head off my shoulder, his face inches from mine. “That’s not what I meant.”
I had one hand in his hair, and I dropped it to his cheek. “I know,” I murmured, feeling the smoothness of his skin. He must’ve shaved earlier, for not a hint of stubble scratched my hand. Sawyer looked drop-dead gorgeous even when he was a mess, but when he was cleaned up? His handsomeness could stop the world from spinning.
The way his green eyes sparkled from the hall light, how his lips parted ever so slightly, intent on me…I better be careful, otherwise something might happen here that wasn’t okay. Not yet. I’d be stupid to deny the fact that I still had feelings for Sawyer. I did. Of course I did; the question would be, if my guys weren’t okay with it, would I be able to fight those feelings? Would I be able to pull myself away from this broken, pleading boy and learn to live with myself?
I didn’t know if I wanted to.
Pulling away from him, I got up. “Come on. Let’s go back downstairs.” If we didn’t leave this room now, who knew what would happen. The intense look Sawyer wore made my insides feel funny and warm, like I was a girl with her first crush.
Stupid. So stupid. Sawyer and I had been through so much, I shouldn’t let myself get swept up in the feeling.
Sawyer watched me for a few moments before getting up. His wide frame let out a sigh I felt in my core; I had to surround myself with other people. With the other guys I adored. Being alone with Sawyer was too tempting, too much. I couldn’t deal.
It’s kind of funny; after everything I’d been through at Hillcrest, you’d think me hanging out in Sawyer’s bedroom would be the least of my concerns, but here we were.
I led us back downstairs, finding that Travis, Declan, and Will had gotten another plate out of the cabinets and picked off all of the chicken and placed it on the extra plate. The plate sat lonely on the counter, apparently voted off the table by the guys. Not that I could blame them. No salmonella for me or any of them.
All eyes were on me the moment we returned, and I gave my guys a smile as I slid back into my seat. Declan returned the smile, because it was Declan. Travis looked much the same as he always did: focused on me, probably wondering what happened upstairs. Will…Will’s hazel eyes were on me, and he tried to grin back, but the smile just didn’t work on his face. Will really didn’t like Sawyer, and it showed.
Sawyer sat in his seat, shifting his weight. He let out a cough, causing everyone’s eyes to dart to him. “I know…I know I suck at doing this shit, and I know a shitty dinner isn’t enough to make up for everything that I did, but,” he paused, staring hard at Declan, giving only a tiny fraction of his attention to Will, “I am sorry. For everything. And I know things will never go back to the way they were, but I…I’d really like to try.”
Sawyer and his heartfelt confessions. Tonight they just came tumbling out faster than I could count them.
This wasn’t Sawyer of last semester. This wasn’t the broken rich boy who wanted to use everyone to get back at the boy he thought had killed his sister. This wasn’t him trying to one-up anyone. This was simply Sawyer laying his heart bare, and it was up to us—to me—to figure out what to do with it.
I was more than okay with letting Sawyer try, and I bet my eagerness showed on my face. Travis was silent, as was Will; it was Declan who said, “Okay…but if you go back to your old self—” A warning. A warning that none of us would deal with the old Sawyer. We were all changed here. Older, wiser, hardened to the ways of the world. Just because I loved him didn’t mean I wouldn’t push him away if I had to; Declan was right.
“I won’t,” Sawyer swore, his eyes glancing at me. “I won’t.” Again, softer this time. A promise to me.
The tension in the air grew to be too much, so I spoke as I grabbed my fork, “Well, now that that’s out of the way, let’s eat.” I swirled the fork into the noodles and brought it to my mouth. Unsurprisingly, the noodles were lukewarm now, practically cold by noodle standards—but because I was pretty sure Sawyer might cry if I made fun of his cooking any more, I chewed and swallowed like a good little girl.
“These are the best noodles I’ve ever had,” I declared loudly, “I don’t know about you guys, but I could eat this every day.”
The guys looked at me like I was crazy, and maybe I was. They weren’t that good. Even Sawyer had an eyebrow risen at my antics. He then let out a sigh, pulled out his phone from his pocket, and started tapping on its screen. “I’ll get some pizzas delivered,” he said.
“What? No, I—”
Travis got up, his chair scraping against the floor as he spoke, “I’ll find something to watch.” He wandered into the li
ving room, flipping on the giant flat-screen TV and roaming the channels.
As Travis did that, Declan got to his feet and started gathering the plates of noodles, doing the clean-up duty without being asked.
I watched it all happen, my mouth ajar. The noodles really weren’t that bad, were they? Or was sitting at a dinner table staring at each other too awkward? Ugh, whatever. If they wanted pizza, if they wanted to eat it while lounging around in the living room while watching whatever was on TV on a Saturday night, I wouldn’t say no. Who could say no to pizza? I wasn’t a monster.
Will got up and helped Declan, leaving me at the table with Sawyer, who was already on the phone, telling whatever pizza place he called what he wanted. From what it sounded like, he thought he was feeding a whole army here. Once he set his phone down, he looked at me.
“The noodles were fine,” I said, not wanting to just toss all of Sawyer’s hard work in the trash…which Declan and Will were currently in the process of.
“Pizza will be better. I probably could’ve just ordered pizza to begin with,” Sawyer muttered, running a hand through his hair, causing me to glance at the tight sleeves on his arm. Damn, he had a fine physique. “Though I bet none of these other fools ever tried to cook for you.”
I opened my mouth, ready to argue, but then I realized he was right. We always ordered in, or got food on campus. Still, that didn’t automatically mean Sawyer was better than them just because he tried—and failed—to cook chicken alfredo. I settled for saying, “Don’t call them fools.”
A slow smirk spread across Sawyer’s face, and he leaned forward on the table, setting his full-force smirk on me. “Why?”
“Because it’s not nice.”
“I wasn’t aware you liked nice.”
From the living room, Travis called out, “She doesn’t. Don’t let her fool you.” His words only furthered the smug look on Sawyer’s face.
Oh, I wanted to smack that smirk right off him. Smack him, make out with him, whatever. Same difference when it came to the blonde one. God, he drove me crazy. It was like every single word out of his mouth made me want to either jump him or kick his ass.
“I do, too,” I argued in a huff. “Declan and Will are nice.” To me, at least, but that was all that really mattered.
“Then I think you need to even it out,” Sawyer suggested, giving me a wink as he got up, leaving me speechless at the table. A wink. It wasn’t the first time the douche had winked at me, but it was the first time I found myself liking the ridiculously stupid gesture and wanting more.
Even it out? Like, have him and Travis be my bad boys and Will and Declan be my good ones? I didn’t—that wasn’t how things worked.
Ugh. Boys. No matter where you went or what you did, they were all the same. Stupidly infuriating and downright sexy.
Sawyer joined Travis in the living room, and I remained seated for a while, fuming. Fuming mostly because Sawyer got to me, like he always did. He was back with a vengeance, and it was like he never left. My feelings for him hadn’t lessened, hadn’t diminished at all while he was away. They were as strong as ever, and it was as I watched Travis and Sawyer from the table, as I tossed a glance at Will and Declan, that I allowed myself to think something optimistic for once.
This…this might actually work out.
Chapter Fourteen – Declan
Getting back in the swing of things with a new addition to the group was a bit of an adjustment. Sawyer wasn’t around all the time, but he did hang with us a lot. Maybe I found it so difficult because he’d hated me for so long, and I’d hated him. Maybe this reconnecting thing wasn’t as easy as I thought it would be. It was tough, and it would take time.
The new dean, some old woman who I tried not thinking of, mostly because I just ended up thinking about Dad and then everything he did, had filled the position that was vacated when Corey Weinberger was murdered. Security had been upped on campus; most days, walking to and from class, you were lucky if you saw less than a dozen individual, privately-hired officers roaming campus. Everyone was on high alert. The police might think it was Ray, but we knew the truth.
Ray was gone. There was another killer around here. Maybe that’s what put me on edge so much. It seemed almost ironic that the moment Sawyer came back and decided to try, another man ended up dead.
Not that I blamed Sawyer for it. I wasn’t sure if Sawyer was capable of hurting someone else like that.
Then again, I never thought Will was either, but I guessed when you were pushed to your limits, you found out just what those limits were. Most people would kill to defend themselves. My brother was no different. I was no different, although…
There were a lot of things I wished I could take back, many things I wished I could’ve done differently.
It was a Friday night, and Ash and I were already over Sawyer’s house. Pizza had become a weekly thing. Tonight Travis and Will were both running a little late, but that’s fine. Gave me some time to think, some time to get Sawyer to myself while Ash went to the bathroom.
Sawyer and I were in the living room. He spread out on the couch, one leg hanging off the side of the couch and the other draped on the floor. At least he was clothed. I sat cross-legged on the floor, a textbook before me. I did have some work to do, and I tried to do it when I could. Still, I couldn’t concentrate.
Ash got up to go to the bathroom not even thirty seconds ago, and I closed my textbook. This whole time, I’d kept a secret, and it was a secret I didn’t want to confess, not something I wanted to tell. And yet, as the semester wore on—we were now in early February—I couldn’t help but feel like the more time I waited, the worse it became.
I was ashamed, really, and if there was anyone else in Hillcrest who knew how much it sucked to drown in your own shame, it was Sawyer.
Before I could speak, before I could even bring it up, Sawyer was sitting up and turning towards me. His blonde hair was a bit rumpled by how he’d been sitting, and he ran a hand over it, flattening it down as he spoke quietly, “Hey, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something.”
“What?” I met his stare, and even though we were five feet apart, it felt like we were too close. Instinctively, I still wanted to get away from him. That’s what being terrorized for a year did to you, apparently. It was hard to acknowledge he was trying to change and be better, but I did it for Ash.
Sawyer was quiet for a few moments, glancing to the hall, as if he was nervous Ash would make her return. Not quite yet; we had a little bit more time. “This is insane,” he muttered, frowning to himself.
His comment made me confused, but at least it brought me out of my inner shame. “What is?”
“That I have to ask someone’s permission to ask a girl out,” Sawyer mumbled.
Oh. So that’s what this was about. Sawyer was finally going to make his move. Couldn’t say I wasn’t expecting it, but he had been taking his time with things these last few weeks. Had to give him that. He wasn’t trying to rush into anything…but maybe that was only because Ash was already dating three other guys.
Yeah. It was an atypical scenario, definitely, and there was a learning curve. It was something Sawyer would realize if he meant what he said and truly wanted to be there for Ash.
I read between the lines. “You want to ask Ash out?”
“Yeah, I mean, of course I do.” Sawyer sighed again. “Travis is fine with it. I just…I fucked you over, and I know Will hates me for it. I know you do too, and I don’t blame you.” He waited a moment before saying, “If it’s not cool with you, I won’t do it. Same with Will.” That last sentence came out quite bitter.
I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it if I wasn’t okay with it, but I knew he’d forever want to. He craved Ash just as badly as I did, as Travis and Will did, and unlike us, he wasn’t with her. He could only watch her, talk to her, never touch her. If he was lucky, he received a smile from her. A laugh. A tease, but that’s it.
“I want Ash to be happy,�
� I told him quietly, hearing the bathroom down the hall creak open. “I’ll talk to Will later.”
By the time Ash came back, Sawyer acted as if nothing was wrong. As if he hadn’t just asked my permission to ask her out. Did feel a little ridiculous, but seeing as how she was my girlfriend, both her and I—and everyone else involved in this strange, bizarre relationship—had to approve.
Ash moved around me, nestling beside me on the floor between Sawyer and I.
“How was the bathroom?” Sawyer asked with a smirk.
She shot him a look. “You want a play-by-play? I’ll give you one, but I don’t think you’ll like hearing the details.”
“I’ll listen to anything you tell me, as long as you whisper it in my ear in that breathy voice—”
“I do not have a breathy voice,” Ash growled out. The bickering was more like banter between her and Sawyer, and I knew it was their way of flirting. It made me a bit uncomfortable at first, but now…well, I wasn’t exactly used to it, but I was getting there.
Sawyer shot back, “I’m sure Declan can attest to it. And I don’t know why you’re denying it. I did hear you guys go at it before. I might’ve been going through withdrawals, but going through withdrawals doesn’t make me deaf.”
Heat crept to my cheeks, and I watched as Ash shot Sawyer a frown. “I’m going to kill you, Sawyer.”
“Are you? Will you at least do it while naked so I can get one look at you before I die?” He shrugged. “Just figured I’d ask, since I’m pretty sure I’m the only guy at Hillcrest who hasn’t seen you naked—”
Ash was about to lunge at him—literally lunge at him, her fingers spread as if she had claws on her hands, wanting to strangle him—but it was at that opportune moment someone rang the doorbell.
Because we kept things locked around here now, not that a lock could keep a psychopath out.
“I’ll get it,” Sawyer quipped, leaping up to avoid Ash’s outstretched hands.
Liar: A Dark College Romance (Hillcrest University Book 6) Page 12
