Blood pounded through my ears. ‘Then why are you still a dark one?’
‘Because it is all I know.’
Hope stirred. ‘Then I can help you.’
‘It’s not that easy. I’ve played the game too long. The only escape now is to finish.’
‘Finish?’
His hands clenched. ‘Each soul I take brings me closer to freedom. If I claim enough, they’ll let me go, but if I stop, they’ll hunt me down. No matter what I am, or where I am, they will find me. So, that is why you are so valuable. Your soul is worth a hundred humans. Your soul…would bring me freedom.’
‘Freedom? What freedom?’
His eyes dropped. ‘They would make me human again, granting me a life of wealth and power.’
‘But that is wrong.’
‘I know, but it’s all I have left to hope for.’
My frustration surged. ‘But I still don’t understand why an angel’s soul is worth so much. We were all human once.’
He looked up. ‘Do you know what the leaders were before they came to Earth?’
‘Yes, they were angels.’
‘Yes, they were…just like you.’
Finally, I understood. I stared at him, mortified. ‘If you took me…they could create another leader.’
He nodded, raking his hands through thick, ebony hair. ‘The more they have, the stronger they are.’ I sat down in a nearby pew, lost in my own thoughts. What was I going to do now? After a few minutes, he spoke again. ‘It’s odd,’ he said quietly, drawing my attention. He seemed slightly more relaxed.
‘What’s odd?’ I asked.
‘Being close to you,’ he replied, his head tilting. ‘You make me feel…something. It’s faint, but, I suspect I must have once…cared greatly for you.’
The last shred of warmth left my body. ‘You talk as though you don’t remember me?’
He winced. ‘That is almost true. I remember some things, but they are bad things. That’s all I can ever remember. When a dark one captures you, they take you to the place of nothingness, and they strip you of your past… Then they return only the painful memories, forcing you to relive them over and over. Once you are broken, they give you an option, serve the leader or be abandoned.’
‘The ones left behind,’ I mumbled, remembering what Isaac said.
‘That is why I remember this place,’ he added numbly, looking around the church. ‘It was the last time I ever saw you. That memory nearly tore me apart.’
My guilt was unbearable. How could anyone do this to another soul? And to think these leaders were once angels like me. ‘I am so sorry,’ I whispered, on the verge of tears.
He straightened. ‘Why are you sorry?’
‘Because I hurt you so much.’
‘Did you deliberately hurt me?’
I stood, shaking my head violently. ‘No. I never wanted to hurt you.’
The tiniest glimmer of a smile shifted his lips. ‘Then you have nothing to be sorry for. Besides, there are more than just those memories now. Being in your presence has brought me something else. When I’m near you…I almost feel warm again.’
He trailed into silence, looking utterly defeated.
I wanted to hear more about the warmth, but I knew now was not the time. ‘You should rest,’ I relented.
He slumped against the door without protest. His knees buckled as he slid into a seated position. ‘I haven’t slept for a while,’ he admitted. I held my breath, fighting the boiling emotions. I created a blanket which appeared beside him. ‘Just like the candles,’ he mused. ‘How do you do it?’
‘By manipulating the energy.’
‘By manipulating the what?’
I wasn’t surprised he knew nothing about this. I thought about the best way to explain. ‘How do you change the appearance of the body you enter?’
He shrugged. ‘They tell us to imagine the body we want, and it changes as we pass into it.’
‘You rearrange the body’s energy.’
He rubbed his eyes with thumb and forefinger. ‘Maybe you can explain that again when I’m not so tired.’
He yawned and pulled the blanket up over himself. The action was incredibly human and interesting to watch. Angels rarely slept, but it seemed dark ones were still human in their physical needs. I wondered how different he and I really were. Essentially, we both underwent the same process after death. The main difference was I could create a human form whereas he stole his. But he’d been able to change his body’s appearance because he thought he could. Did it simply come down to what we believed?
I studied him as he sat huddled against the door fighting the tiredness. ‘Would you like a mattress, maybe a pillow?’ I asked.
He shook his head. ‘Are you going to rest?’
‘I don’t need to,’ I replied, and he frowned. ‘What is worrying you?’
‘I’m worried you’ll come closer while I’m sleeping.’ He paused. ‘But I’m even more worried you’ll leave.’
I let myself smile. ‘You don’t have to worry about either.’
‘Promise?’ he mumbled, his heavy eyelids drooping.
‘I promise,’ I assured.
He leaned back on the door, vulnerable and weary. The dark one’s charm, strength, and seduction were all gone—for now, he was simply my Aydin again.
Chapter 18
Aydin slept through the night. I watched the nightmares torment him, and I spent the dark hours thinking of the questions I still wanted to ask. There were so many, I didn’t know where to start. I wanted to know everything about the leaders. Had anyone ever escaped them? Could they be destroyed? The other thing I desperately wanted to know but was most afraid to ask, was what happened to him after I last saw him? Exactly what did he remember? How did he end up like this? I was determined to free him, and I believed knowledge was the key.
He didn’t stir till long after sunrise, and when he did disorientation took him. He sat bolt upright, his eyes darting to every corner.
‘It’s okay Aydin,’ I assured. A look of relief took the edge away, but his jaw still tightened at the sight of me. ‘Are you hungry?’ I asked calmly.
He nodded. I created a simple breakfast of fruit and toast. It inspired a genuine smile.
‘I could get used to this,’ he said huskily.
I nodded dumbly, shocked by the change in his face. To see him smile was incredible, he was so like the man I’d met in an ancient land untold centuries before. For the briefest second, I could smell the river and hear him singing. A burst of warmth entered my chest, and I sighed happily. He looked at me and a strange longing softened his face—but then his mouth twitched and the smile was gone. His internal struggle was still there.
He stood stiffly, clearing his throat. ‘I’m just going for a short walk.’
‘But you haven’t touched your food,’ I protested.
He returned an uneasy glance. ‘I’m not an angel Callie, I still have some human needs.’
I felt like such a fool. ‘Oh. Sorry’
‘I’ll be back soon,’ he replied with a hint of amusement.
He wasn’t gone long, but I was relieved to see him return. Sitting on the floor, he ate breakfast quietly, and I felt good knowing that these simple acts would create new memories. As I watched, I realized he was a little closer this morning; it was a small but meaningful step. Maybe this was all he needed—to learn how to be close and not be tempted.
He finished, stood up, stretched and leaned against the door, arms crossed. ‘So you don’t sleep, and you don’t eat,’ he said. It was more of a statement than a question.
I smiled. ‘I sleep sometimes—for the dreams. Though, they haven’t been that pleasant lately.’
‘Oh,’ he replied with a frown.
‘But I can do other things,’ I added quickly, hoping to lighten the mood.
‘Like what?’
‘I…I can change what I’m wearing,’
‘Really?’ he commented, pulling up to his full height. �
�Can you show me?’
This was not the reply I expected. ‘I…okay,’ I finally said. Concentrating, I changed my white dress back to my usual jeans and jumper.
‘Handy,’ he mused. ‘Can you change mine?’
His request threw me. ‘I…I’m not sure. I’ve never tried on someone else before.’
‘Well, I could do with a fresh set.’ I bit my lip and looked at him. What if this didn’t work? What if I left him wearing nothing at all? The idea was very distracting, and I struggled to not imagine the body that lay beneath his clothes. His head tilted revealing more of his neck, instantly bringing back the memory of when I kissed him there. My mouth and cheeks burned as he watched me expectantly, and I looked away hoping he couldn’t see my blush. ‘If it’s too hard, that’s fine,’ he added softly.
‘No. I think I can do it. What do you want to wear?’
He brightened again. ‘Something simple.’
I grimaced and shut my eyes. What would I create? I pictured him on the night in the stable, I could see his plain linen shirt, brown pants, vest, and boots. I guess that would do, maybe without the vest though, and more modern.
It took a lot to open my eyes, and I let myself breathe again when I saw him in the outfit I’d imagined.
He looked down. ‘Not bad.’
It was very different to the sleek, modern look he usually sported.
‘I, I can change it, if you want,’ I said.
‘No, don’t. It’s comfortable, and it feels…right,’ he said, rolling up the sleeves
Embarrassed, I tried to redirect the conversation. ‘So, how are you feeling today?’
His shoulders dropped and our moment of ease faded. ‘Are you asking if I still want to hurt you?’ I nodded. ‘Then I’m afraid the answer is yes, but I have to admit, it’s not as bad today.’ I nibbled my lip, this was a start. I opened my mouth to ask another question, but he held up his hand. ‘Wait, before you ask anything else, I need to tell you something. I know you want to save me, but I was serious when I said it can’t be done. And even if it was possible, I imagine it would take some time.’
‘I have all the time in the world,’ I said.
His hand dropped. ‘But I don’t.’
‘What do you mean?’
His olive skin paled. ‘When they realize I am missing they will send a tracker. They probably already have.’
‘But they can’t sense us here,’ I added, hating his proximity to the door.
‘I know, but they will get close. Then it is only a matter of time.’
‘How much time?’
‘A few days, maybe a week.’
‘I won’t lose you again.’
He opened his mouth to protest but stopped. He looked at me curiously. ‘I think I remember that stubborn streak.’
I crossed my arms, determined to stay focused. ‘Then just give me as much time as you can.’
His face hardened. ‘It’s pointless Callie.’
I began to shake. ‘A few days, that is all I am asking for.’
He stared at me for a moment. ‘If I do, you must promise that when I leave, you will never look for me again.’
I shook my head. ‘I can’t promise that.’
‘Fine,’ he said walking to the door.
‘No. Wait,’ I protested. He hesitated, but his hand stayed on the handle. ‘Okay. A few days, and then if you choose to leave I…I will not look for you.’
He relaxed and turned back. ‘And if I choose to leave before then, because I think you are in danger, you will not try to stop me.’ I nodded, even though I wasn’t happy. ‘Fine,’ he said with a sigh. ‘So, what is your great plan for saving me then?’
I blinked rapidly—I actually didn’t have a plan, but I was sure I would come up with one, once I knew more. ‘I…I need you to tell me everything.’
‘Like what?’
‘Like, tell me more about your bond to the leaders?’
Aydin looked wary. ‘I don’t see how this will help.’
‘Please, I need you to help me understand.’
His gaze was steely, but I didn’t flinch. ‘Very well,’ he lamented. ‘I’ll tell you what I can. From the moment you become a dark one, they own you, or so they tell us. As I said, I don’t believe they own our souls, but I do believe it is nearly impossible to escape them.’
‘You mentioned trackers. What are they?’
‘Dark ones, like me, specially trained to monitor the rest of us.’
‘Are they good at finding those who go missing?’
An involuntary shudder shifted his shoulders. ‘Incredibly. I’m not even sure how they do it, but I do know they never fail.’
‘Has anyone ever escaped?’ I persisted.
‘Not that I know of, but I doubt they would tell us if they had.’
‘Can you think of any possible way?’ The look in his eyes told me he didn’t want to answer. ‘Aydin?’
His hands flexed. ‘I have a couple of theories, but neither is an option.’
‘Tell me.’ His eyebrows dipped, and he looked away. ‘Please,’ I persisted.
He refused to acknowledge me. Desperate to get his attention I stepped forward—it was a near fatal mistake. His head shot up and his face contorted. His eyes fixed on me like a predator suddenly aware of prey. Without warning, he charged; he was nearly on me when he grabbed a pew to stop himself. It tipped over, but he did not let it go. I flew back to increase the distance between us. On his knees, still clinging to the seat, he cried out in agony. He stood slowly, turning his back to me. Every step was a battle as he walked away.
When he reached the door again, his hands clawed at the handle, but before he could open it, his head twisted back. His eyes blazed red, and I could feel his need to take me.
I froze, my back flat against the far wall; for one horrible moment I thought he would charge again. His shoulders lifted to his chin, and he tore his gaze away. The loss of eye contact seemed to relax his body. He struck the door with both fists, and the wood cracked. His head fell against the door, and his chest heaved with deep breaths.
‘Please Callie, never do that again,’ he mumbled. ‘You don’t know how much it hurts. How hard it is to stop.’
I slipped to the floor, tears stinging my eyes. The ache in my chest had increased along with the distance between us. ‘I’m so sorry.’
He looked over his shoulder, his face had returned to normal. My chin quivered, and I hugged my knees. He seemed so broken, but I couldn’t stop now. ‘Please, Aydin tell me how you could be saved.’
He put his back to the door and looked up at the ceiling. ‘You’re not going to stop, are you?’
‘No.’
His eyes locked on mine. ‘I don’t want this Callie. Can’t you see that? Can’t you just let go?’
‘With or without you, I will try to defeat your leader.’
‘But there’s no point, you will just end up like me or worse. If you really want to help, leave, forget me and never look back.’
I stood slowly. ‘Forget you? Do you honestly think I could ever forget you? I lived more lives than I ever should have, because I can’t forget you. Even when I couldn’t remember your name, when I couldn’t remember your face, you were a part of me. I am the reason you are like this, and my soul will never be free until that is fixed. Don’t you see? I can never stop fighting because there is no me…there is only us.’
He didn’t move. I didn’t know if my words had reached him. The world held its breath waiting for something to happen.
Finally, he spoke, his voiced hushed. ‘Do you remember when I told you, I knew my leader doesn’t own my soul?’ I nodded. ‘I know this, because I’ve always felt it already belonged to someone else.’
I nearly collapsed under the weight of my emotions. ‘So you understand?’
‘I guess I do,’ he replied.
I nearly cried out with relief. ‘So you will help me?’
‘You have left me no choice.’
‘No,
I haven’t,’ I said defiantly. He gave me a small, sad smile, and I returned it. ‘So as I recall, we were talking about possible ways to free a dark one,’ I dared add.
‘They are just theories, completely untested,’ he said quietly.
‘But it’s all we have,’ I replied.
His long sigh betrayed his defeat. ‘Okay. The first would be to destroy my leader and somehow contain his soul.’
‘And the other?’ His face darkened, and he shook his head. I knew what it was—it was something I’d already considered. ‘A trade,’ I whispered holding his stare. ‘My soul for yours.’
His eyes flashed with anger. ‘Promise you will never do this.’
I didn’t want to lie to him. ‘You need not worry.’
He saw my evasion. ‘So help me Callie, if you ever…I will leave and never come back.’
I could feel his anger shifting to rage. I held my hands up to calm him, afraid that I might induce another attack. ‘Then it is not an option,’ I said.
I felt his fury ease, and I let my hands drop. ‘Maybe you should tell me more about your memories of me?’ I asked hoping to ease the tension for a while.
He sniffed and looked at the floor. ‘There is really nothing to tell.’
‘You can’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I was there too, remember?’
His foot kicked at the edge of a stone floor tile. ‘I remember what you looked like,’ he muttered. ‘Parts of you are still recognizable.’ His gaze slid over my body so intimately that it almost felt like he was touching me. ‘You have the same green eyes, same lips. The shape of your face and color of your hair has changed a bit. Perhaps you’re slightly taller. The only thing really different is your skin. It shines now. Like sunlit snow.’
His expression brought a heat to my stomach that quickly rose to my face. ‘That wasn’t what I was asking about,’ I said.
A crooked smile dimpled his cheek. ‘You wanted to know what I remembered.’
I pouted. ‘I wanted to hear about events, not appearances.’
His smile faded. ‘I don’t want to talk about events.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because I’ve already told you, the memories are distorted.’
Guardian Page 19
