Learning is lifelong. It’s required of us all, and that’s a great thing.
What are your truths? Learn to trust your judgment and your gut feelings, and let your experiences and observations be your guide. Act in ways that respect rather than challenge the truths you have observed, both in your life and others’ lives, and you will save time, energy, and consternation. This will also allow you to focus on the things you can change.
Integrating all of this advice at once may seem daunting, but do not despair. While you are adding to your skills and burnishing your brand, there is a shortcut that can buy you time. One quality above all others will virtually guarantee your personal and professional success, regardless of where you are in your journey. It is the quality of empathy.
Renowned physicist Dr. Stephen Hawking said, “The human failing I would like most to correct is aggression. It may have had survival advantage in caveman days, to get more food, territory or [a] partner with whom to reproduce, but now it threatens to destroy us all.”19 The quality he would most like to magnify? Empathy—because “it brings us together in a peaceful, loving state.” Writer George Orwell, also a strong voice for empathy, lived briefly on the streets of London with those on the fringe of society. He wrote about his experience in Down and Out in Paris and London, a book still referenced more than 80 years later as one of the most powerful on the subject of empathy.
Practice the skills you have learned consistently. Try to understand rather than judge. Listen attentively and use nonverbal cues carefully. Try to “walk a mile in another’s shoes.” Further develop your empathy skills by showing appropriate curiosity, using affirming language, and being fully present in the moment.
REMEMBER
Respect is the cornerstone of all successful relationships. The right attitude is not enough. Respect requires awareness, intention, and execution.
Technology is a tool over which we have complete control. Unplug and look up from your devices. Your health, happiness, productivity, and relationships depend on it.
Empathy is the most powerful of all human qualities. In personal and professional relationships, if you are able to display true empathy, you will succeed.
“Here’s looking at you, kid.” —Rick to Ilsa in Casablanca
conclusion
We have taken a look at the importance of respect and civility in today’s workplace from both macro and micro points of view. Depending upon one’s age and experience, the information offered here is brand new, familiar, or a combination of both. For all, these pages serve as a reminder that good business manners still matter, even if today they seem scarce or manifest themselves in unfamiliar ways.
But there may be a few lingering questions. For instance, you might agree that all things being equal, interacting respectfully is a good thing. But when critical matters are at stake, can’t too much emphasis on “politeness” get in the way? The answer to this question is no. It’s when a situation is most precarious that civility is most needed. In fact, a calm, respectful approach may be the only thing that keeps a situation from going from serious to unsalvageable.
You might then ask what the point is of being the only well-mannered person in the room. Couldn’t that be considered a sign of weakness? The answer again is no. Maintaining composure, especially when others do not, is a sign of tremendous strength. The person who does this serves as a powerful role model. Even if others are not behaving in a similarly constructive fashion, they are still watching.
Well, at least you can point out when others are being rude, right? As tempting as it might be to do so, the answer is yet again no, for a number of reasons. First, adults are responsible for their own behavior. Good manners preclude an individual from correcting another, with the exception of his underage children, even if his intentions are sincere. Second, there is a slight chance that you are reading the situation wrong. Commenting upon it will underscore this. Third, even if you are reading the situation correctly, try to overlook others’ transgressions as much as possible. This is a good policy, because it is only a matter of time before you make a mistake, and you’ll be grateful that someone does the same for you. Finally, no matter how justified, no one ever appreciates being corrected, especially in front of others. Relationships suffer permanent damage as a result.
But what if someone asks for advice or feedback on her behavior? That’s okay, isn’t it? The advice is to tread very carefully here. If the relationship is a trusted one and the advice is earnestly solicited, you may offer feedback, but only if it is not personally directed. You can say you have employed or observed or read about techniques for handling the situation in question, and let the person distill this information as he sees fit. But do not agree with another’s self-assessment of his failings or, worse, point out ones he had not even mentioned.
But don’t you run the risk of being seen as inauthentic if you don’t offer honest feedback? Only if the content of the message is itself untrue. Careful thought must be given to the wording of difficult messages, but it is nonetheless absolutely possible to get such a point across civilly. In fact, for credibility and professionalism, the calm delivery of a message is always more powerful than an emotion-filled one. Not every attendant feeling has to be shared in the process.
Organizations can certainly put into place rules of conduct, mission statements, and best practices to help guide their employees’ behavior. And if individuals are 100 percent sure that they are witnessing disrespect, they can confront it. But even then, it is done by expressing the impact of someone’s words or behaviors, not by calling into question his character or calling him rude.
So, even if under extreme provocation, you cannot give in to uncivil behavior or directly correct others who do, you might ask, “What’s in it for me?” This is a good question.
To answer it, all we need do is think back upon the times we let our emotions take over. Even though we felt justified at the time, it usually did not take long for remorse to set in. For most of us, our impatience or less-than-courteous words and actions quickly came back to haunt us. What’s in it for all of us is not having to deal with such regrets in the future—or at least not having to deal with them as frequently. This is made easier when we remember that someone’s bad behavior usually has little to do with us and far more to do with what that person is feeling or enduring at the time.
A friend shared with me this story: While searching for a parking space near his doctor’s office, he noticed a parked truck that was taking up two spaces. With no other spots available, he pulled up beside the truck, rolled down his window, and politely asked the driver who was sitting in the front seat if he would mind moving up slightly so he could park. The driver glared at him and angrily told him no, including an obscene gesture for emphasis. Taken aback, my friend nonetheless did not react. After circling for another 15 minutes, he finally found a spot several blocks away and arrived at his appointment 5 minutes late.
When he exited the building 30 minutes later, he noticed the man still sitting in his truck. As he passed by, the man got out of the truck and approached him. Not knowing what to expect, my friend was surprised by what happened next. The man said he had been waiting for him—to apologize. He went on to say he was having a particularly bad time at work and that he thought he was about to be fired. However, he said that that was no excuse for his behavior and that he was truly sorry. My friend immediately accepted his apology. He assured him he knew that bad days could get the better of anyone—they had of him in the past. Each left the encounter feeling a bit better—my friend for not compounding the situation by reacting to bad behavior and the man for apologizing for his.
We have outlined the many career benefits that accrue to those who practice the Platinum Rule, including being a part of building a better workplace. But in the end, civility is its own reward. In employing this rule, one’s relationships with others vastly improve. But it is the relationship with oneself that benefits most. It is an unqualified win, from every pe
rspective.
acknowledgments
Among the many things I have learned on this journey is that it takes a multitude of talented, kind, and generous individuals to make the idea of a book a reality. I am deeply indebted to my clients and advisors for their encouragement and for the experiences they shared. Some are directly quoted in these pages, others served as inspirations for stories shared and advice offered. My sincere thanks to Amanda Addeo, Wendy-Lee Austin, Barbara Brooks, Anne Calhoun, Andrea Carlson, Lawrence Carlson, Penni Connors, Robert Cuomo, Ph.D., Diane Danielson, Kurt DelBene, Gisele Garceau, Richard Garcia, Tully Hannan, John Heroux, Mike Hines, Kevin Holian, Carmella Kletjian, Sue Kline, Gabriella LaMonica, Katherine McEleney, Patrick Malone, Dan McCarthy, Rosemary Murphy, Alison Quandt, Gary Roderick, Jean Ruggeri, Kristen Scott, Esta Singer, Mark Steinberg, Lynda Stevens, Barbara Thomas, Jon Thomas, Mike Trombetta, Deanna White, and Jackie Wilbur. I also thank Lewis Lapham, Lisa Pierpont, and Michael Salmon for their support and the key introductions they made on my behalf.
I am most grateful to Ellen Kadin, executive editor of AMACOM books, for taking a chance on this fledgling author and to my skilled literary agent, Michael Snell, for his expert guidance and continuous encouragement. My sincere thanks go to my talented editor, Patricia Snell, for her painstaking efforts and keen direction and to Libby Koponen and Nichole Bernier for their vital editorial contributions.
I am also very grateful to friends who, with unwavering support, have seen me through this process. Special thanks go to Claudia Clark, Ron Clarke, Kathy Gallinaro, Colleen Jerwann, Debbie Monosson, Francis O’Keefe, Ted Patrikas, Vince Spiziri, Janie Walsh, Sara Wilhelm, and Beth Witte.
To all of my Thomas, Hannan, and McCarthy family members for enthusiastically taking this journey with me: a huge thank you. Special thanks to Barbara, Nina, and Robert for their wonderful help and countless pep talks. And profound thanks to Jean, my mother, for too many things to mention. Finally, to Donald, my champion from day one: I could not have done it without you. Thank you.
notes
INTRODUCTION
1Christine Pearson and Christine Porath. The Cost of Bad Behavior: How Incivility Is Damaging Your Business and What to Do About It. New York: Hardcover Portfolio, 2009.
CHAPTER 1
1Milton J. Bennett (1979). “Overcoming the Golden Rule: Sympathy and Empathy.” In D. Nimmo (Ed.), Communication Yearbook 3. International Communication Association.
2Steve Gruenert and Todd Whitaker. School Culture Rewired: How to Define, Assess, and Transform It. Alexandria, VA: ASCD, 2015.
3Christine Pearson and Christine Porath. The Cost of Bad Behavior: How Incivility Is Damaging Your Business and What to Do About It. New York: Hardcover Portfolio, 2009.
4Mike Miles. “Workplace Bullying Costs Companies Billions, Wrecks Victims’ Health.” SmartSign blog. December 13, 2012. http://www.smartsign.com/blog/costs-of-workplace-bullying/.
5Kevin L. Nadal. “Sexual Orientation Microaggressions in Everyday Life: Experiences of Lesbians, Gays, Bisexuals, and Transgender Individuals.” PsycEXTRA Dataset. Accessed November 2, 2016. doi:10.1037/e615782009-001.
6Steve Mintz. “Workplace Values and Expectations of the Millennial Generation.” Workplace Ethics Advice, April 28, 2016. http://www.workplaceethicsadvice.com/2016/04/28/.
7Erik Sherman. “6 Oldest CEOs in America in 2015.” Fortune, December 12, 2015. http://fortune.com/2015/12/13/oldest-ceos-fortune-500/.
8Rebecca Riffkin. “Average U.S. Retirement Age Rises to 62.” Gallup, 2014. http://www.gallup.com/poll/168707/average-retirement-age-rises.aspx.
9“U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.” U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2015. http://www.bls.gov/.
10“Center for American Progress.” Center for American Progress, 2050. https://cdn.americanprogress.org/.
11Ibid.
12“Center for American Progress.” Center for American Progress, 2012. https://www.americanprogress.org/.
13Sarah Kate Ellis. “GLAAD CEO: Tim Cook Is a Game-Changing Exec for LGBT Workforce.” Time, October 31, 2014. http://time.com/3551490/tim-cook-is-a-game-changing-exec-for-lgbt-workforce/.
14Steven Petrow. “LGBT Etiquette, by Steven Petrow, the (Mostly) Well-Mannered Syndicated Columnist.” Stevenpetrow.com, 2016. http://www.stevenpetrow.com/gay-manners.html.
15Brandon Bailey. “Facebook Offers More Options for Members to Describe Their Gender.” Mercury News, February 13, 2014. http://www.mercurynews.com/business/ci_25137519/facebook-offers-more-options-members-describe-their-gender.
16Miranda Perry. “How to React When Someone Comes Out: Dos and Don’ts for Straight Allies.” Care2.com, April 12, 2016. http://www.care2.com/causes/how-to-react-when-someone-comes-out.html.
17Office of Disability Employment Policy (ODEP). “Disability Etiquette.” United Cerebral Palsy, 2015. http://ucp.org/resources/disability-etiquette/.
18“Disability.” Center for American Progress, 2016. https://www.americanprogress.org/issues/disability/view/.
19John A. Challenger. “Survey: 53% of Employers Concerned About Retirement Plans, Brain Drain.” Challenger, Gray & Christmas, Inc., 2016. https://www.challengergray.com/press/press-releases/survey-53-employers-concerned-about-retirement-plans-brain-drain.
CHAPTER 2
1Peter Dizikes. “Putting Heads Together.” MIT News, October 1, 2010. http://news.mit.edu/2010/collective-intel-1001.
2Ken Sundheim. “15 Traits of the Ideal Employee.” Forbes, April 2, 2013. http://www.forbes.com/sites/kensundheim/2013/04/02/15-traits-of-the-ideal-employee/#2b4a36bd7c94.
3Vivian Giang. “The All-Time Worst Interview Mistakes Job Candidates Have Made.” Business Insider, January 16, 2014. http://www.businessinsider.com/worst-job-interview-mistakes-2014-1.
4“Survey: 60% of Employers Checking Your Social Media.” Challenger, Gray, & Christmas, Inc., May 13, 2014. https://www.challengergray.com/press/press-releases/survey-60-employers-checking-your-social-media.
5Jens Maier. “Corporate Universities.” In The Ambidextrous Organization: Exploring the New While Exploiting the Now. Springer, 2015. Accessed August 22, 2016. https://books.google.com/books?id=fOcHCgAAQBAJ&lpg=PT137&ots=rJhDYrKaMX&dq=Gil%20Press%20an%20attitude%20by%20businesses%20%2C%20nonprofits&pg=PT137#v=onepage&q=Gil%20Press%20an%20attitude%20by%20businesses%20,%20nonprofits&f=false.
6Jerome Maisch. “Big Data’s Impact on Human Resources.” Digimind blog. Accessed August 22, 2016. http://digimind.com/blog/competitive-intelligence/big-datas-impact-in-human-resources/.
7James A. Martin. “Does Your Klout Score Matter?” CIO, January 27, 2014. http://www.cio.com/article/2379266/consumer-technology/does-your-klout-score-matter-.html.
8Anne Fisher. “The Most Ridiculous Interview Questions.” Fortune blog, April 5, 2011. http://fortune.com/2011/04/05/the-most-ridiculous-job-interview-questions/.
9Jacquelyn Smith. “What to Do When You’re Offered a Job and You Need More Time to Decide.” Yahoo.com, June 3, 2015. http://finance.yahoo.com/news/politely-postpone-accepting-job-offer-175800901.html.
10John Rossheim. “How to Help Millennials Fill the Soft Skills Gap.” Monster Hiring Resource Center. Accessed August 23, 2016. http://hiring.monster.com/hr/hr-best-practices/workforce-management/employee-performance-management/millennial-soft-skills.aspx.
11Sue Shellenbarger. “Just Look Me in the Eye Already.” Wall Street Journal, May 28, 2013. http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB10001424127887324809804578511290822228174.
12Carmine P. Gibaldi. “11 Ways for Older Employees to Stay Relevant at Work.” Business Insider, August 22, 2012. http://www.businessinsider.com/11-ways-for-older-employees-to-still-feel-relevant-at-work-2012-8.
CHAPTER 3
1Napoleon Hill. Think and Grow Rich: Teaching, for the First Time, the Famous Andrew Carnegie Formula for Money-Making. Meriden, CT: Ralston Society, 1937.
2Al Ries and Jack Trout. Positioning: The Battle for Your Mind. New York: McGraw-Hill, 1981.
3Tom Peters. “A Brand Called You.”
Fast Company, August 31, 1997. Accessed August 23, 2016. http://www.fastcompany.com/28905/brand-called-you.
4Dan Schawbel. “Chapter 1: The Brand Called You.” In Me 2.0: Build a Powerful Brand to Achieve Career Success. New York: Kaplan, 2009.
5Yesenia Rascon. “Expert Advice: 8 Tips for Building Your Personal Brand—NerdWallet.” Nerdwallet.com, June 9, 2014. https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/loans/student-loans/expert-advice-8-tips-building-personal-brand/.
6Henry Blodget. “Let’s Get One Thing Straight—Apple Had No Choice but to Oust Steve Jobs.” Business Insider, September 23, 2013. http://www.businessinsider.com/apple-had-no-choice-with-steve-jobs-2013-9.
7Jim Rohn. “Rohn: The One Thing That Determines How Successful You Can Be.” Success.com, May 22, 2015. http://www.success.com/article/rohn-the-one-thing-that-determines-how-successful-you-can-be.
8Charles R. Swindoll. “The Importance of Attitude.” Insight for Living Ministries, July 20, 2015. http://www.insight.org/resources/daily-devotional/individual/the-importance-of-attitude.
9“A Look at the Shocking Student Loan Debt Statistics for 2016” Student Loan Hero™, Inc. Accessed November 2, 2016. https://studentloanhero.com/student-loan-debt-statistics.
10Ali Meyer. “Census Bureau: 30.3% Millennials Still Living With Their Parents.” CNS News, February 17, 2015. http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/ali-meyer/census-bureau-303-millennials-still-living-their-parents.
11Robert Armstrong. “Sorry JPMorgan, Smart Guys Still Wear Suits.” Financial Times, June 8, 2016. http://www.ft.com/cms/s/0/7b9bb1bc-2d56-11e6-bf8d-26294ad519fc.html.
12Seth Harden. “Commuter Driving Statistics.” Statistic Brain, March 4, 2016. Accessed August 25, 2016. http://www.statisticbrain.com/commute-statistics/.
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