The Boy I Once Loved

by Cara E Holt

  His deep sigh resonates through the phone. “You are home, Ella. I know it’s hard, but you need to try and build bridges with your mum.”

  “I don’t want to mend things with mum,” I tell him, frowning. “And I don’t want to be here in this town full of nothing but sad memories. I was happier when I was with you.”

  “You were hiding angel. Hiding from your grief and hiding from your mum. The only way you will ever move forward is if you face these things.”

  “Can I at least come for the holidays?” I ask him, my tone of voice flat with defeat.

  “How about this?” he suggests, “If you stay and try with your mum, I’ll come to you for the holidays.”

  “Promise?”

  “Would I break a promise to my favourite Niece?”

  I grin and roll my eyes. “I’m the only Niece you have.”

  “Exactly. The only one and therefore my favourite.” I can hear the humour in his tone of voice, and I can’t help but smile. He can always lift me up when I am down. “Listen angel, I got to go get some work done but I’ll ring you soon, okay?”

  “Okay. Love you.”

  “I love you too, angel. Take care.”

  I flop onto my back and sigh. There goes my one chance at escaping this place and the feelings that are creeping up on me.

  Mum comes home at lunchtime and shouts to me to come down the stairs. I bum shuffle my way down and find her in the kitchen making sandwiches. She offers me a beaming smile and gestures for me to sit at the kitchen island.

  “Come sit. I’ve made you ham, cheese and Branston.”

  Frowning, I take a seat. Great! Mum wants to play happy families again. She places a glass of Fanta beside my plate and then takes a seat beside me. “How was your day?”

  “Boring,” I sigh, swirling my drink around in the glass. “Damn ankle means I can’t get out on the bike or go to the gym.”

  She pats my other hand with hers. “It isn’t forever. That boot will be off before you know it. How is school? Are you making friends?”

  I shrug, not giving her eye contact. “Not really. Dylan seems determined we spend time together.”

  She smiles in encouragement. “That is nice. He’s a good boy and cares about you a lot.”

  I take a bite out of my sandwich and nod. “Yeah, good old Dylan.”

  Silence follows as we both sit eating. “Why haven’t you cleared out his room?”

  I hear the intake of breath my mum takes. “I.., I haven’t felt ready to face it yet.”

  “It’s been three years, mum,” I state, picking at my bread.

  She nods. “I know, I just..., Once I sort his room, it will be like he was never here.”

  I know what she means. It almost feels wrong to suggest we clear out his room, like we are moving on and forgetting him, but walking past that room every day and seeing it frozen in time is too hard.

  “We could do it together,” she suggests, and I can tell by the tentative way she says it this that she is expecting a rebuff from me.

  “We can,” I reply as a hop down from my seat and leave her sitting there staring after me. There we are, I am trying just like my Uncle Matt asked me to.

  I dress in a pretty blue wrap dress and one white pump. The cast doesn't exactly complement the look, but there is little I can do about that. I put my hair half up and pop on a pop of colour on my lips and a quick brush of mascara. I hear the door go downstairs and can hear Dylan's deep voice as he chats with my mum. I still don't have a clue where we are going, just that Dylan has told me to wear a dress. Using the stair rail, I hop down one step at a time and find them both sitting in the living room. He smiles when he sees me and he stands up. His blue eyes take in my dress and he grins wider.

  “You scrub up okay, El.”

  I smirk in response. “Thanks, I think.”

  “Okay. We should get going. I’ll have her home before midnight, Kay.”

  My mum puts a hand on his arm and smiles at him. “Ah, I know she is safe with you, so just come home when you are ready.”

  “Will do,” he tells her, smiling. “You ready?”

  “Yep, and just for the record, I hate surprises.” And I really do. Surprises made me anxious and like I’m not in control and these last few years, feeling in control of everything has kept me sane.

  He chuckles as he steers me towards the door. “Like I could forget. I know you too well.”

  We pull out of the drive and on to the road and he turns up the volume on the radio. I smile as I watch him from the corner of my eye. He taps the steering wheel to the beat of the music and hums along to the music. He is so gorgeous. I sometimes feel stunned by his beauty. His bright blue eyes sparkle, his full lips tempting in that way he half-smiles. I want to keep hating him, to keep him at a distance so that he can never break my heart again, but it is proving harder than I had thought it would.

  “What are you thinking so seriously about?”

  I scoff. “Ah trust me, you don’t want to know. My mind is a very dark and scary place to go.”

  He grins in reply but keeps his eyes on the road ahead. “I can often tell what you are thinking just by looking at you. I can read you like a book, Ella. No one knows you better than I do.”

  My brows knit together in a frown. “You used to know me - I’ve changed.”

  He shakes his head and smiles again. “You haven’t changed as much as you like to think you have. Yes, the sparkle in your eyes doesn’t glimmer as bright as it used to, nor do you smile as freely as you once did, but that’s because life hurt you, but you are still Ella. You are still the girl that likes two sugars in a very milky coffee and always eats the edges of her kit-kat before she eats the rest. You are still the girl who cries at adverts and is full of passion about animal rights and injustice in the world.” he pauses, “You’re still the first person I want to come to when my life is turning upside down.”

  I gulp and just sit there staring at his face. Sometimes he blows me away with his words and this is one of those times. Why does he have to be so damned perfect?

  He chuckles and he reaches over and pinches the end of my nose. “Have I rendered you speechless, little Ella?”

  “Yeah, I just realised you actually may have a brain in your head and not just in your pants,” I tease. There you have it. When he gets serious, I play it down and make jokes.

  Dylan pulls into a small car park and I look around me, trying to figure out where we are. I know we have driven into the next town, but I still don’t have a clue where we are going. He kills the engine and climbs out and I follow suit.

  He grins as he hands me my new crutches. My mum had picked me another set up on her way home from work today. He gestures for me to walk with him. “This really is killing you, isn’t it? Not knowing?”

  I nod, frowning. “I don’t like it anymore when control is taken away from me. If I’m in control, I can prepare myself for any bad shit coming my way.”

  He nudges my shoulder gently as we walk. “But then you also miss out on the good stuff, Ella.”

  We turn a corner and I spot ‘Papa Luigi’s’ and that’s when I remember. When we were kids, he always used to promise me that one day when we were older, he would take me to Papa Luigi’s like a proper boyfriend. I adored this place as a kid, we came here for most of our birthdays. The pizzas here are hands down the best around.

  He looks at me somewhat uncertain. “Is this okay? I mean we can go somewhere else if not?”

  I squeeze his arm softly. “It’s fine, Dyl.” It is better than fine, it’s perfect. One day my best friend is going to make someone a very good boyfriend.

  He holds open the door for me and I walk inside. I’m immediately hit by a memory of my 9th birthday and us all sitting around the table over in the big bay window. We all had silly party hats on, and they brought a cake out with nine candles all lit. My brother had teased me that he would blow them out before I could, so I had literally lunged at the cake as soon as it was placed on th
e table and blown them out before anyone had a chance to sing.

  Dylan talking to the waiter pulls me from my reminiscing and he guides us over to a small table over in the corner.

  “You good?” he asks me as we take our seats and the waiter offers us the menus.

  I nod in response and then do a double-take when I am handed the specials menu. The pizza special was 'Ella's pizza'. I look up at Dylan, who is grinning.

  “You did this?”

  He nods, a nervous smile appears on his face. “I err, called in a favour. It has everything on that you love. Extra mozzarella, pineapple, green peppers and ham.”

  Naturally, we both order the ‘Ella special’ and the waiter brings us our drinks. I peer over at him as he looks around the restaurant.

  “So, what is all this in aid of? What are you after Dylan James?” I eye him suspiciously and he clears his throat and suddenly looks nervous, something you rarely see from Dylan.

  “Can’t I take my best friend out for a meal?”

  I bob my head in response, still studying him. “You can, but I can tell you’re lying. You rub your tongue over your teeth when you lie, and you fidget.” I gesture to his hand that is messing with the napkin.

  He laughs and puts the napkin down. “Let’s just eat and talk, Ella. Tell me what you have been doing for the last three years.”

  I sigh. “The last three years.” I take a sip of my drink as I think about how to answer his question. “I have been trying to piece myself back together. Looking back now, going away was the right thing for me. I needed a fresh environment that didn’t hold memories every which way I turned. Uncle Matt didn’t push me, he just let me be.” I blow out a long breath. It is hard talking about the darkness I was in when I first left here. “At first, I barely functioned, just going through the motions of sleeping, waking, existing. Then he forced me one day to get dressed and said we were going out for the day. I moaned my head off, but he was insistent.” I smile at the memories of that day. “He took me out on his bike and there was just something about the freedom of being on a bike, the wind in your face. I cried my heart out behind him on that bike ride, but by the end of our ride, I was smiling.” I look up at Dylan and he’s listening and watching me intently with a look on his face like he is in pain.

  Dylan reaches across the table and he takes my hands in his. “It should have been me pulling you from that dark place, Ella. I hate how I treated you and I can’t ever take it back and make it right.”

  I smile sadly. "I know. It is just hard to let go sometimes. I can't ever hurt like that again, because this time I think it will finish me off. I won't survive the next time."

  Dylan nods and clears his throat. “Ella, I was going to wait until after we ate to do this but...,”

  "Ella. Is that you?" I look up and find Kyle standing before us, my brother's best friend. He grins, looking as surprised as me. "It is you. I was sitting over there, and I spotted you." He turns to Dylan. "Hey, Dylan."

  “Hi Kyle, it’s good to see you.” I take him in, he’s no longer the seventeen-year-old boy I remember. For a start, he has facial hair, well stubble, and a large tattoo sleeve up one arm.

  “Wow, you have grown up.” Kyle grins at me. “It’s great to see you.” He looks over at an empty table and grabs a chair and pulls it up to ours. “What have you been up to these last few years?”

  I shrug. “Not much. I went to live with my uncle after...,”

  Kyle’s smile drops as he nods, and we all fall silent for a second or two. “I’m a mechanic now at Mike’s garage.” He holds up his takeaway pizza box. “This is my Saturday night treat.” He pauses and stares at me. “God, you have his eyes.”

  He pulls out his phone. “Can I take your number? I’d love to take you out sometime. Unless?” he looks between me and Dylan and I get what he is asking, and I chuckle in response.

  “Oh no,” I scoff, with a wave of my hand, “Dylan and I are still just friends, and yeah, I’d love to catch up.” I read him out my number and he puts it into his phone.

  “I’ll call you in the week to make arrangements.” He grins as he slides his phone back into his pocket. “I always told your brother you’d grow up to be gorgeous.”

  Blushing, I give him a shy smile and wave as he walks away.

  “Well, that was a blast from the past.” Kyle had been my brother’s best friend throughout high school. Wherever my brother went, Kyle was always not far behind. It is strange seeing him, I half expected my brother to pop up beside him. I look over at Dylan, who has remained quiet, and he looks pissed off.

  “Hey, you okay?”

  He clears his throat, folding his arms across his chest. “Me, yeah I’m great. Looks like you got yourself a date.”

  I shrug. "I wouldn't call it a date, more like a catch-up."

  Dylan laughs. "It's a date, Ella. He was drooling all over you." His tone is clipped and measured.

  What is with his attitude? “What’s got you so moody? You have a problem with Kyle?”

  He sniggers and looks away from me. “Why would I have a problem? Look let’s just finish our food before it goes cold.”

  Frowning at him as he refuses to meet my eyes, I pick up my pizza and eat. Jesus, he has gone from playful and happy to full-on moody bastard in a few minutes. Clearly, he has a problem with Kyle. Maybe they have dated the same girl or something, but there is no need to take it out on me.

  He pays up and we leave the restaurant in stony silence. He pulls up at my house and kills the engine, his fists keeping a tight grip on the steering wheel.

  “Thank you for tonight. It was really great.”

  Hi, response is to nod and continue to look out the car windscreen at the street.

  “Okay, dick face. What is your problem?” I demand, folding my arms and turning side on to face him.

  He shakes his head and laughs dryly. “There’s no problem, Ella. Like you said we had a nice night.” He starts the engine again. “Can you manage with your crutches? I really need to get home and get an early night. We got a game tomorrow.”

  I continue to stare at him, but realising I am going to get nowhere with him. I sigh and I undo my belt. “I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?”

  His answer is to shrug his shoulders and murmur a maybe. No sooner am I out of the car when he takes off and parks his car on the drive four doors down. I watch him as he climbs out and slams the door. He runs a hand through his hair and he kicks at his tyre before storming inside his house.

  Feeling confused and annoyed, I hobble to the door and balance on my crutches as I fish my key out and open the front door. That turned out to be one weird night.

  Chapter Nine

  The next morning, I text Dylan to wish him luck with the game, but I get no reply. Mum is working so I have the house to myself and I decide to settle on the sofa and catch up on Sabrina, my new favourite Netflix show. My phone rings at my side and it's Aria.

  “Hey.”

  "Hey, so I wondered if you fancy coming to watch the match with me? Connor will moan if I don't go and well, I could do with some girl company."

  I hesitate. Normally I would say yes straight away, I loved watching football and it would be nice to see Dylan and Connor play, but today I’m not sure Dylan would want me there.

  “I dunno. I don’t think I’m Dylan’s favourite person right now.” I hate how insecure I sound.

  “Why what’s happened? Didn’t you two go out last night?”

  "We did, and then Dylan went all weird on me when one of my brother's friends came over and asked about catching up sometime. Honestly, I'm getting whiplash from his mood changes."

  “Oh, I see. So, are you meeting this friend of your brothers?”

  “Yeah, he was my brother’s best friend. It will be nice to see him again.”

  “Okay. Well, look, Dylan will get over it and the boys would really love it if you came and watched them, even if Dylan is being weird. Besides, you can’t leave me to go on my own,” she pl
eads. “Some of those other footie girlfriends are real bitches.”

  I laugh. “Okay, I’ll come and be your wing-woman.”

  “Excellent. I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.”

  A half-hour later we find our seats on the stands. The turnout for the college team is quite good and I don't miss the fact that there are a lot of girls here, the type that don't look like they give two shits about football. Aria tells me our team is playing a college team from another local town close to here.

  "Ooh, here come the boys," Aria announces, squeezing my arm in excitement. "I love watching Connor play, there's just something so hot about guys in football kits."

  I laugh. “I prefer the American football kits personally. Man, those tight white pants.” I fan myself, grinning.

  “Look, the boys are looking over.” Aria stands up and drags me up with her. She waves and points at me, as if to say, look I brought her.

  Feeling like an idiot, I offer a mini-wave to the boys. Connor waves back. Dylan just frowns and kicks at the dirt with his studs.

  “See. I told you he wouldn’t want me here,” I tell Aria, taking my seat again and folding my arms in frustration. Why was he being such an arse?

  Aria sits back down beside me and links her arm through mine. “Trust me, he does. Want to take a bet on how many he scores today?”

  “Okay. I say he scores two.” I secretly smile to myself. When we were younger Dylan used to get frustrated as every match he played, he never scored more than two goals and he used to moan on and on about how he was cursed.

  Aria holds out her hand for me to shake it. “I say he scores four and if I win, you have to come camping with me and the boys the weekend after next.”

  I groan. I hate camping. It is the one activity I abhor doing. I hate spiders, and moths and yes, I know it makes me sound like a right girl, but there you go.

  “Okay,” I concede, “but if I win, you have to come on a bike ride with me once this damn boot is off.”

  She grasps my hand in hers and shakes it firmly. “Deal.”