The Boy I Once Loved

by Cara E Holt

  His dad smiles tightly. “Of course. It’s good to see you son.” He tries one last time to get some kind of response from his son.

  “Yep,” Dylan replies with a stiff nod of his head. He wraps an arm around my shoulder. “Come on, El it’s my shot.” He pulls me along without a backward glance, and I look over my shoulder to see the disappointment written all over his dad’s face as Jodie rubs his back in comfort.

  Dylan is as stiff as a board as he takes his position and takes his shot. It misses by a mile and he swears and swings his golf club at the fake grass. “Fuck!”

  I step up behind him and wrap my arms around his waist, trying to offer him comfort. “Are you okay?”

  He sighs. “No. Can we get out of here?” I can feel the pain radiating from him.

  I nod and take his hand in mine. I guide us off the course and we hand in our clubs. He’s quiet when we get back in the car and he bangs his fists on the steering wheel and rests his head against it.

  “I fucking hate him,” he tells me. “I hate him, and I hate his fucking Jodie and that fucking baby in her belly.”

  I stay quiet. Nothing I will say will help right now. If I try to reason with him, he’ll just become defensive and argumentative. “What do you need?”

  “I need to get drunk and not feel.”

  "Then let's go get hammered," I reply. If that's what he needs, then that's what we'll do.

  We make a pit-stop at his house and he raids his mum’s drinks cabinet, taking a bottle of gin and a bottle of rum, and then we head to mine. The house is in darkness as my mum’s back at work and working the night shift. We head into the kitchen and I grab glasses, cola and lemonade from the fridge, and we go up to my room. Dylan puts some music on and turns it up loud and he pours himself a large glass of rum and coke. He raises his glass “Here’s to arsehole fathers!”

  I clink my glass against his, I can drink to that. My father has been painfully absent from my life for as long as I can remember. I hate seeing him in pain like this. I just want to take it away. Dylan downs his drink at record speed and refills his glass. He slides to sit on the floor, resting his back against the side of my bed.

  “How dare he stand there and ask me to go for dinner. Like he didn’t break apart our family and leave us and replace us with her, that marriage-wrecking bitch.”

  I finish my drink and Dylan refills it, already pouring his third. “It hurts so fucking much,” he admits, leaning his head back and looking up at the ceiling.

  I don’t speak, I just let him let it all out. I let him call his dad all the names he wants and vent out his anger. I stand to my feet when an upbeat song comes on the radio and I beckon him with my finger as I dance.

  “Come on, Dyl. Show me those moves.”

  He offers me a sad grin. “I’m not in the mood.”

  I do some cheesy dancing and he fights a smile. “Get up or I’m going to keep up with the dad dancing and torture you.”

  Rolling his eyes, he stumbles to his feet, and he dances towards me, waggling his brows at me. He grabs me around the waist, and he dips me, making my hair fan out beneath me before swinging me back up and twirling me around. My head spins with the effects of the alcohol and I giggle.

  An hour later and many more drinks and daft dancing and it’s safe to say we are both drunk. Dylan twerks to Miley Cyrus and laughing, I stand behind him and pretend to slap his backside to the beat of the song. “Work it, baby!” I holler and Dylan twerks even harder, making me belly laugh. He stands straight and dancing backwards, he beckons me with his finger.

  Shaking my head and smiling, I swing my hips and dance towards him. When I’m within reach, he reaches for me and pulls me against him and he moves his hips, his leg pressing up against my core and creating a crazy friction that has my heartbeat picking up. I gulp when I look up at him and find his eyes fixed on me with a look that I’m too scared to analyse.

  “Maybe we should chill for a bit,” I suggest, but he shakes his head and continues to move his hips in a seductive sway, our bodies are flush against each other. He dips me again and I gasp when he drops his lips to my neck and rains kisses softly.

  “Dyl,” I say hesitantly.

  “Shush,” he says from above me. “Don’t think, just feel El.” And then his lips are on mine and all common sense goes out of the window. I kiss him back and we lose ourselves in a kiss so hot it should set the room on fire. Our tongues duel with each other as we fight to get closer. Suddenly we’re on the bed and Dylan is above me, his body flush against mine and I can feel he his rock hard against my stomach. As we kiss, his hands explore under my top until he reaches my breasts, and he squeezes one, rubbing my nipple between his fingers and making me moan. My body responds to his, aching for his touch. I’ve wanted this for so long and although we were both drunk, I can’t deny myself any longer. I don’t care if he regrets it in the morning. I need this with him. Dylan removes my top and my bra, and then he’s unzipping my jeans and tugging them down my legs. His touch sets me on fire, he kisses down my stomach as he pulls my jeans off and throws them to the floor. He kneels between my legs and looks down at me with pure hunger. Dylan hooks his fingers in my panties and pulls them down my legs, and suddenly I’m naked beneath him.

  “Fuck,” he hisses as he drinks me in. “Better than I imagined,” he whispers, shaking his head. I don’t have the chance to analyse or process his words as he dips his head and his tongue licks between my folds, making me buck up off the bed. He places his hands on my hips and holds me in place as he devours me with his mouth. I grasp at the bedsheets, writhing beneath him as he pleasures me.

  “Dyl,” I beg, pulling at his shoulders. I need more, I need him.

  He lifts from between my thighs, and he moves up my body until his face is above mine. “I don’t have a johnny.”

  “I’m on the pill,” I say breathlessly.

  “I’m clean,” he says. “I’ve never gone bare before.”

  I nod my head, giving him the go-ahead and then he's sliding inside of me, filling me up and it's everything and more than I dreamed it could be. Dylan's eyes hold mine as he settles inside me, both of us breathless and then he moves in and out of me and I roll my head back and let myself just feel this, us. His thrusts become harder and faster as we both chase what we need. Dylan's eyes never leave mine as he moves inside me. My shattered heart knows there's no coming back from this. If I wanted him before then after this, I'll thirst for him. I grasp his shoulders as I feel my orgasm coming.

  “Oh god, Dyl,” I moan, my eyes rolling in my head as I’m hit with the first wave of my release. I moan loudly as I come and he smiles down at me, his eyes watching me, taking it all in. He moves faster and harder and I can see that he’s close and I wrap my legs tighter around him.

  “Fuucck,” he groans as he shudders and he comes inside me. He rests his head on my neck as we both catch our breath. Silence fills the room.

  Dylan lifts onto his elbows and he brushes my hair off my face before he leans down and kisses me ever softly.

  “Dylan-“

  He places a finger over my lips. “Don’t, not yet.” He pulls out of me and lies on his back beside me, he reaches a hand around my waist and pulls me into his side and with my heart thumping in my chest and a million emotions flitting around my brain I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I groan when I open my eyes, the morning light blinding me. My head feels like a lead weight. Two arms are wrapped around me from behind and I can feel Dylan’s steady breathing on my neck as he sleeps. Holy shit! We had sex last night and we’re naked together in bed. It should feel wrong, but it doesn’t. It feels like we were always headed for this, like it was inevitable. He was drunk last night, drunk and hurting and not thinking straight. What if this was just a big mistake for him? What will that mean for our friendship? Have we ruined everything? My mind races at a hundred miles an hour as the panic in me rises.

  "Ella, you've slept
through your alarm." I jump up startled as my mum waltzes into my bedroom, not knocking. I sit up in bed wide-eyed as she stops still and looks from me to Dylan. "Oh."

  I slap Dylan's arm repeatedly, and groaning, he opens an eye. "Oh shit," he says sleepily. "Hey, Kay."

  My mum shakes herself out of her shock. “It’s quarter to nine. I suggest you both get up and get to college.” She shakes her head, still in shock. She points at Dylan. “You better have wrapped it up.” Before she turns and leaves, closing the door behind her. I definitely need to get a lock on my door.

  “Oh, fuck.” I fly up out of the bed and grab some knickers and a bra from my draw, throwing them on. My mum just walked in on us naked in bed together. I pick up Dylan’s boxers, jeans and t-shirt and throw them on the bed. “Get up, Dylan!”

  Groaning, he rolls over and buries his head in my pillows. “My head is pounding.”

  “Get up and get home,” I order as I scramble to my wardrobe and I grab the first pair of jeans I find and a black hoodie.

  Dylan rolls sideways and he sits up, pulling the covers off him and I lick my lips as I take in his nakedness. “Fuck, how much did we drink?” He hisses, blocking his eyes from the light with his arm.

  “Get dressed for fuck’s sake,” I whisper scream.

  He holds up a hand. “Okay, okay, don’t shout it hurts my fragile head.” He stands up and he pulls on his boxers and his jeans. I throw on my trainers and with a quick run of my fingers through my hair, I open the door and I head downstairs. I find my mum in the kitchen standing there looking a million miles away with a cup of coffee cradled in her hands. I walk in and she gestures to the worktop. “Think you might need that coffee, given the empty rum bottle on your bedroom floor.”

  I keep my head down, not able to give her eye contact. I grab the coffee and I gulp it down. I grab my bike keys from the key hook and head towards the front room.

  “You’re just going to take off and leave him up there?” She asks me, following behind me.

  “I’m late for school,” I hiss, grabbing my bag and heading for the door. I can’t get out of here fast enough. I’m mortified that my mum knows we had sex and my anxiety is through the roof about what this means for Dylan and me. I head for school with my head in bits. I love Dylan with every fibre of my being. Sex with him last night just confirmed it, and I’m terrified. If he saw it as a mistake, I’m not sure I could survive. My heart couldn’t take another hit, not from him.

  I scurry to my locker and pull out my books in automatic pilot mode. I jump a mile when Connor grabs me by the waist and spins me around. "Hey, you."

  I hold my head as the room spins. “Fuck, Connor, don’t my head hurts.”

  He stands back and grimaces. “Jesus, you look like shit. Did you just roll out of bed or something?”

  “Or something,” I mumble as I close my locker. “I have the hangover from hell, so talk quietly.”

  Connor chuckles and nudges me as he walks beside me. “So crazy golf got a bit crazy, huh?”

  “That’s an understatement.”

  Connor tilts his head in question. “Do tell.”

  With a sigh, I fill him in. “His dad was there with his new girlfriend.” Connor’s mouth drops open. “Yeah, exactly. As you can imagine, that didn’t go down well with Dyl. So, we left and went back to mine and polished off a bottle of rum.”

  “Wow,” he replies, nodding his head as he takes it in. “A full bottle. No wonder you look like shit.”

  I glare at him.

  “Sorry, but you do. So, where is he?”

  I shrug my shoulders, putting my head down. “I don’t know. He’s probably at home in his own room in his own bed.”

  Connor looks at me like I’m being totally weird, and I am being weird, I’m still freaking the fuck out.

  Connor pulls out his phone. “I better ring him and see if he’s up.”

  And that’s my cue to get out of here. “I gotta go. I’ll see you later.” I scuttle off before he can say another word. My first lecture is hell on earth. The lights hurt my sensitive eyes and my head thumps like a hammer. By the time lunch comes around, I seriously think I’m dying. I haven’t seen Dylan, but then again, we don’t share any classes this morning. Even so, I can’t face him, so instead of heading to the dining hall, I head to the library and I find myself a secluded corner to put my head down and close my eyes.

  I wake up with a jolt, rubbing my eyes, and feeling disorientated. I look around me and remember I am in the library. Fuck! I look at my watch and realise there are only ten minutes left of my Business Studies class. My last class of the day is with Dylan, and I just can’t face it. I can’t look him in his eyes and see the regret there, see him give me that look that I’ve seen him give so many girls as he makes it clear that it was a one-night thing. Chicken that I am, I grab my bag and head outside to my bike.

  “What the fuck have I done, Liam?” I ask my brother as I lean against his gravestone, cradling the bottle of Lucozade in my hands. “I had sex with my best friend. There’s no coming back from this. It changes everything one way or another.” I rest my head back against his headstone. “Maybe I can run away and go back to Uncle Matt’s, that way I never have to face him and deal with the aftermath of this.”

  “Ella.”

  I look up to see Kyle walking towards me. He looks at me puzzled. “What are you doing?”

  I sigh and point behind me. “Just chatting shit with my brother. He’s not much help though.”

  Kyle smiles. "He never was good at talking things out. Always hot-headed and bad-tempered." He surprises me when he sits down beside me. "Everything okay?"

  I nod. "Yeah, I'll survive. I mean I made it this far, right?"

  Kyle smiles. “You did. You’re made of strong stuff, Ella. Liam would be proud of you.”

  I snigger, I’m not sure he would. I think he would have a few things to say about me sleeping with Dylan. Kyle stands to his feet and he offers out his hand, and I look up at him in question. “Come on, let’s go get some food.”

  I allow him to pull me up and guide me by the hand out of the cemetery. He’s come here on foot, so he climbs behind me on my bike, and we head to a small café in the main street. I order plain toast as I’m not sure my stomach can take anything else, and I cup the warm cup of tea between my hands.

  “Want to talk about it?” Kyle asks me as he spoons some sugar in his black coffee.

  “No,” I reply with a shake of my head. “I did something there’s no coming back from, and I don’t know how to deal with the repercussions.”

  He bobs his head. “Then just face it and deal with it.”

  “That simple, huh?” I chuckle. My phone pings and I reach for it. It’s a text from Connor reminding me it’s Caleb’s eighteenth party tonight at the bar just up the road. “Shit!”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I place my phone down on the table and lean back in my seat. “It’s my friend’s eighteenth tonight. He’s having a party, and I forgot all about it.”

  He leans over and takes my hand in his. “Well, I’m free if you need a plus one.”

  I’m about to say no when my mind thinks again. If I show up at the party with Kyle, then Dylan won’t be able to talk to me about what happened last night. I can avoid the inevitable ‘I don’t see you in that way, last night was a mistake’ talk. “Sure, if you don’t mind,” I tell Kyle.

  Three hours later, I’m outside the bar with Kyle beside me. I’ve made an effort despite feeling like death and I have put on a little black dress and heels and I’ve washed and straightened my blond hair. Kyle has scrubbed up good as well, and he’s wearing jeans and a shirt.

  “Are we going inside or just admiring the exterior?” Kyle asks me with a curious chuckle, standing beside me.

  I shake my head. “Sorry, my mind was elsewhere. Let’s head inside.” Shit, I am dreading this. Dreading looking into Dylan’s eyes and seeing what I find there.

  Kyle holds the door open for
me and we enter, he keeps a hand at the small of my back as we head to the back room where the party is being held. The room is filled with balloons and eighteenth banners, and it looks like everyone from college is here.

  Aria waves at me from across the room and comes over to us. “You made it.” She looks from me to Kyle and her smile drops for a second before she smiles again. “Oh, you brought a date.”

  “Aria, this is kyle.”

  "Hi, Aria," Kyle says smiling, and he leans over and kisses her on the cheek.

  “Come on, we’ve got room on our table over there,” I want to protest that we’re fine and we’ll sit somewhere else, preferably at the other end of the room behind a plant where no one can see me. As we walk towards the table, my heart stutters in my chest when I see Dylan sitting there staring into space as he picks at the label on his bottle of beer. “Look who I found,” Aria announces.

  Connor and Dylan both look up at the same time. Dylan’s eyes search mine, and then he frowns when he sees Kyle beside me. The only two spare chairs are the two next to Dylan and with a tight smile he pulls out the chair. “Come sit, Ella. Join in the party.”

  Wanting the floor to open and swallow me whole, I take the seat beside him and Kyle sits down next to me and places his arm over the back of my chair.

  I can feel Dylan’s eyes burning a hole into the side of my head. He leans in and whispers into my ear. “We need to talk.”

  I glance over at Kyle who’s busy watching everyone dancing on the dancefloor before I reply. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  “Like hell there isn’t Ella,” he growls in my ear. My eyes meet his and I can’t get a read on him.

  “Just leave it, Dylan. It was a mistake.” There, I say it before he has the chance to say it to me.

  He sniggers and leans back in his seat. “Unbelievable.” He averts his eyes away and I find Connor watching us. He looks at me with such disappointment and sighs before looking away.