by Cara E Holt
Dylan suddenly stands to his feet and downing the rest of his drink he shouts over to the dancefloor. “Freya, get over here.”
She looks over at him, and she practically runs over like a dog in heat. “Come on, let’s dance,” he says, grabbing her hand in his and pulling her towards the dancefloor. I sit there seething as I watch him pull her snugly against his body and moves his hips. She wraps her arms around his neck and grins like the cat that caught the mouse.
I jump when Kyle puts his hand on my leg. “You want a drink?”
I pull my attention from Dylan and I nod my head. “Fruit cider, please.”
Nodding and dropping a quick kiss on my cheek, Kyle heads for the bar. Connor plonks himself down beside me. “So, this is how we’re handling it, huh? You two have sex and you deal it with it by bringing a date.” He shakes his head. “You disappoint me, Ella. When are you going to see things for how they really are? Are you really that fucking dumb?”
I look at him, shocked. “Did you just call me fucking dumb? I’m not dumb. I’m thinking perfectly clearly. It was a mistake, for both of us, nothing more.”
Connor scoffs and shaking his head, he stands to his feet and he sits back down next to Aria. Aria looks over at me and offers me an awkward smile. I sit stony-faced and I watch Dylan dancing with Freya, and it takes everything in me not to storm over there and pull her off him and tell her he's mine. He isn't mine though, he will never be mine in that way and that is for the best. I know in my heart that I'll never love anyone the way I love that boy out there on that dancefloor. No one knows me like he does. He knows all of me, the good, the bad and all the sad and broken bits in-between. I should never have come back here. I'd reconstructed myself over the last three years, and I'd closed my heart off behind a solid steel wall that nothing could penetrate. So that nothing could break me again. I'd not been back here more than a day and I'd let him back in. Love can destroy. Caring for someone, letting them in just led to heartbreak and I've had enough heartbreak to last me a lifetime.
"Come on, let's dance," Kyle says taking my hand in his and leading me to the dancefloor as a slow song plays. I wrap my arms around Kyles's neck and sway with him to the music. Dylan's no longer dancing. He is sitting glaring at me whilst Connor talks quietly into his ear. I can't deal with his eyes on me, stripping me of my armour and exposing me.
“Did I tell you that you look beautiful tonight?” Kyle says, smiling down at me.
“Thanks,” I reply.
He surprises me when he leans down and presses his lips to mine, and everything about it feels wrong. There’s no flutter in my tummy, there’s no burning desire to mould myself against him and not let go. Dylan is the only one who sets my soul on fire. I pull my lips from Kyle’s and put my hand on his chest. “Kyle, I can’t.”
I look over to the table and find Dylan’s seat empty and I hear a bang and see the door to the exit swing shut. “Fuck.” I look back at Kyle. “I’ll explain later.”
I rush for the door and out into the main part of the bar, just as Dylan exits onto the street. “Dylan!” I shout after him and I run through the busy bar. As I get outside Dylan screws off into the road in his car.
“I’ll kill him,” Connor hisses coming up behind me. “He’s steaming drunk, Ella. He’s in no fit state to be behind the wheel of a car. What the fuck have you done?” Muttering under his breath, he heads towards his car and I follow after him. “No,” he tells me firmly, stopping me in my tracks. “Just let me get him. You stay here.”
Nodding my head, I watch him leave and I wrap my arms around myself. I jump when I feel a touch on my arm and Aria smiles softly at me. “Come on, Ella, come back inside.” A tear falls down my face as she guides me back into the party.
Kyle comes over to me looking all concerned, especially when he sees my tears. He wraps an arm around me and pulls me into his embrace and kisses the top of my head.
“You’re kidding me?”
I look up upon hearing a voice I recognise.
Lauren, my brother’s girlfriend, is standing there with a tray of empty drink in her hands glaring at Kyle and me. “You have got to be kidding me, Kyle.”
“Lauren,” I say in shock. The last time I had seen her had been at my brother’s wake. She’d been devastated by my brother’s death and she had cried throughout the service, clinging to her mum for support.
“Is it not enough what we did to him? Now you’re dating his sister. Have you no shame?”
I pull away from Kyle and look from him to Lauren in confusion. “What are you talking about?”
Kyle steps towards Lauren. “Don’t Loz. Don’t do this.”
She snorts and places the drinks tray down on the table beside her. “It’s our fault he died that night, Ella.” A tear falls down her face and she wipes it away. “We were all at a party that night and he found us. He found us upstairs in the bedroom.” She runs her hands down her face. “I’ll never forget the look of betrayal on his face as he stormed out of the bedroom and out of the house. It haunts me many nights.” She turns her attention to Kyle. “He died because of us, and you go and hook up with his little sister. What kind of sick fuck are you?”
A cold, icy chill runs through my body as her words sink in. “He got in that car because of you two. Because you were going behind his back?”
Heather wipes away more tears. “That was the first time, and it was a mistake. I was about to put a stop to it when he walked in on us.”
Kyle turns around and he takes a step towards me. “I tried to get him to pull over Ella, I swear. I jumped in the passenger seat and I tried to reason with him, but he pulled over and shoved me out of the car and tore off down the street.”
I shake my head, taking a step back from them both. “You’re the reason he’s dead. If he hadn’t seen the two of you together, he would have never got in that car,” I sob. “My brother’s dead because of the two of you. How could you do that to him?”
“Ella,” Aria says, reaching out for me, her face fraught with concern. I stumble backwards and bang into a table as my world spins on its axis. I can’t breathe. My chest feels so tight. I run from the party and out into the street and I don’t stop running. Somewhere behind me I hear Aria call my name, but I don’t look back. It pours with rain, and I pull my stupid heels off and throw them on the floor, and then I carry on running. My brother died because his best friend and his girlfriend betrayed him. He died feeling betrayed and hurt and alone.
I find myself at the cemetery and I climb the closed gates and stumble through my tears to my brother's grave and lay myself down, pressing my cheek to the grass. "I'm so sorry, Liam. I had no idea. I'm sorry I kissed him. I miss you so fucking much and it's all their fault that you're not here. How could they stand at your funeral and say nothing about this?" I sob my heart out over my brother's grave until there are no more tears left within me. I'm exhausted. I just want everything to stop. I just wish I could close my eyes and never wake up again.
Chapter Sixteen
“Oh my god, she’s freezing.” I hear a voice saying as I’m lifted by a warm body.
“Come on, let’s get her to the car,” another voice says that I know somewhere deep inside of me I recognise. I hear the sound of an engine before I lose myself to the darkness again, to a place where I can’t feel anything.
I open my eyes and I squint as the daylight hurts my eyes. Sitting up, I look around me confused. I'm in a hospital bed. Wow, I feel like shit. My arms and legs feel weak. I spot a glass of water on the table beside me and I reach for it and take a long, much-needed drink. My throat feels so dry. I look at the clock and see that it's 3pm in the afternoon. I rub at my eyes as I try to piece together how I ended up here. Then Lauren's words hit me like a freight train. The betrayal, the lies. I gasp for breath as my chest tightens and, in my panic, I knock the glass of water to the floor with a thud. The door flings open and my mums’ eyes land on me and she comes rushing over to me. I grasp for her.
“Ella, what’s wrong, honey?” She asks me searching my face.
“She’s having a panic attack. She used to get them when she first lost Liam.” Uncle Matt informs her as he comes and sits on the other side of the bed and he cups my face in his hands. “Ella, look at me. Look at me.” My eyes find his. “That’s my girl. Breathe. That’s it, nice big breaths. You’re in control. In and out, my angel.”
I take in a big breath and blow it out and copy him, and I feel the tightness in my chest ease a little. A few minutes later and I'm over the worst of it. My mum and Uncle Matt hover over me and keep asking me if I'm okay.
“What are you doing here?” I ask my Uncle, confused as to what he is doing here.
Uncle Matt takes my hand in his and squeezes it. “You were missing, Ella. You didn’t come home and then your friend Aria came to the house and told your mum what happened at the party. We were all out searching for you most of last night. Your mum and I found you at the cemetery at four in the morning. We brought you to the hospital, as we were worried you might be hypothermic.”
I shake my head, trying to remember what happened after I left the party, but it’s all a blur. All I remember is feeling intense pain and heartache. “I’m sorry I had you all worried.” I look up at my Uncle Matt with tears in my eyes. “Did Aria tell you? That they were responsible for Liam getting in that car?”
Uncle Matt looks briefly at my mum before nodding his head. “She did.”
“They betrayed him. He’d have never got in that car if he hadn’t seen them together. I’d still have a brother if it wasn’t for them.”
My Uncle gently coaxes me to lie back down. “I know, angel. I’m sure they never could have dreamt in their worst nightmares that their actions would have such consequences and they have to live with that for the rest of their lives.”
There is a knock on the door to my room and Connor stands there with a bunch of flowers in his hands. “Hey, you’re awake,” he says with a smile as he comes in. My mum takes the flowers off him and says she’ll take them home and put them in a vase on my bedside drawers.
“Thank you for the flowers. What are you doing here?” I ask, confused how Connor knows I am here.
Connor looks to my mum and Uncle Matt, a silent conversation taking place between the three of them.
“Tell her,” Uncle Matt tells him. “She needs to know.”
I notice then that Connor looks exhausted and pale. “El, last night when Dylan left the party, well you know he got in his car and drove off. He was drunk Ella and well, he crashed.”
My heart drops to my stomach as my world collapses around me. No, not Dylan! Not my Dylan. “Is he, is he dead?” I sob, praying that Connor says he is okay.
He shakes his head. “He’s alive, but he was pretty bashed up. Dylan had to have emergency surgery because of internal bleeding, and he’s got a few broken ribs and a broken arm. He also punctured a lung.”
I release a sob. "This is my fault. I wouldn't talk about what happened. He got in that car because of me." Tears fall down my face. "Oh god, Mum, I'm Kyle and Heather. I'm no better than they are." I can feel my chest tightening and I gasp for air as another panic attack comes on. Uncle Matt tries to help me, but my brain is just a fog of pain and regret. I hear my mum ask Connor to get the nurses. A nurse comes in and she also tries to calm me down and, in the end, it's a needle in my arm that gives me my escape and my eyes close as darkness claims me.
I open my eyes and I remember everything straight away. My heart is shattered into a million pieces over the events of the last day. Connor is asleep in the chair in my room, his head resting on a cushion he has made from his coat. Why is he here? He must hate me. I mean, it’s my fault our best friend is somewhere in this hospital. The tears spill from my eyes, and I release a sob that has Connor jumping awake.
“Oh El,” he says rushing over to me and sitting on the edge of my bed he pulls me into his embrace and holds me tightly.
“Is he okay? Did he make it?”
Connor nods as he continues to comfort me. "He's doing better, but he's got an infection. They're doing everything they can, Ella. Dylan's strong. If anyone can survive this, it's him."
I cling to my friend. "What time is it?" I ask him, feeling dazed and confused.
“It’s one in the afternoon. I said I’d stay with you while your mum and your Uncle Matt went back to yours to shower and change and get some sleep.”
I pull away from him so that I can look at his face. “One o’clock, but it was just three before when I woke up.”
Connor brushes my hair off my face. “Ella, that was yesterday. The doctor decided it was best to keep you sedated and let your body rest and recover.”
I blink in shock. I’ve been asleep a whole twenty-four hours. I’ve been in here sleeping while Dylan is fighting for his life. I am the worst friend. How will he ever forgive me if he wakes up? If I’d never come back here, he’d have been going about his life, happy and healthy without a care in the world. I’m cursed. I must be. People around me leave me or die.
“When you’re feeling up to it, I’ll wheel you up there and you can see him through the glass. It’s family only in his room, I’m afraid. His mum, dad and sister are all up there with him, they never left.”
I nod as I wipe my tears away. I'm relieved that he has them with him. As for me going up to see him, I can't face it. To see him with all those wires, like my brother. I can't do it. I'm too broken. I can't watch him leave me. My heart will fracture, and my soul will wander this earth tortured and alone. The best thing I can do for Dylan James is stay out of his life, no matter how much I love him. And I do love him. I love him with every breath in my body. I've fooled myself into believing that my feelings for Dylan had faded when I came back here, but in truth, they'd never left. Dylan James has owned my heart ever since that day when I was ten and I'd realised I was in love with my best friend. There has never been anyone else but him.
Mum and Uncle Matt return an hour later, and they are relieved to see me awake. The doctor comes and checks me over and he says I can be discharged home, but I need to rest. Connor promises me he’ll keep me updated on how Dylan is doing. He’s making slow but steady improvement, and the doctors are optimistic that he’s over the worse.
I’m silent in the car on the way home. My mum and Uncle Matt try to draw me into a conversation, but I just nod or shake my head and return my eyes to the passing scenery. I feel so broken inside. The anxiety I feel over almost losing Dylan consumes me as much as the anger over what Kyle and Heather did to my brother. Mum guides me up to my room and insists I get straight into bed. She fusses over me, fluffing up my cushion and tucking me in.
“I’m sorry, Mum,” I say as she fusses. “I’m sorry I was such a bitch when I came back home. I can see that you’re better and that you’re trying, and I’ve been horrible to you.”
My mum’s eyes fill with tears and she takes my hand in hers. “Oh, honey. It’s fine, you don’t owe me an apology. I checked out when your brother died, and I left you to deal with your grief alone. I will never forgive myself for not being there for you. You have every right to hate me and be angry.”
I shake my head and fight the tears pooling in my eyes. “No, I don’t, you lost your son too. I’m sorry and I love you.”
“Oh honey, I love you too, so much. When you were missing, I was frantic. We’ll be okay, we have each other.” She pulls me into her arms, and we embrace tightly. Liam wouldn’t want us to be fighting, he’d want us to be there for each other. “Now get some sleep and I’ll bring you up a cheese toastie for tea later.”
“Thanks, Mum.” I lie back in bed and close my eyes, letting my exhaustion pull me under. Maybe when I wake up again this will all just be a bad dream?
Connor rings my phone later when I’m sitting in bed watching a new series on Netflix. I look at my phone as it rings in my hand and I wait until it stops. It might be bad news, and I just can’t face it. My Uncle Matt comes up to check on me b
efore he hits the sack. “How are you feeling?” he asks me, leaning against the door frame.
“I’m okay.”
Nodding, he comes into my room and he sits on the side of my bed. “I have to head back tomorrow, Ella. I’ve got a job on that I can’t put off.”
I know he can't stay here forever. This man had patched me up three years ago when I was broken and grief-stricken and he'd pulled me through it. "Can I come back and live with you again?"
He frowns and looks at me, confused. “What about your Mum? I thought the two of you were making progress?”
I nod and smile. “We are, but I just need to get away from here for a bit. Please, Uncle Matt. Being here, it’s suffocating. I feel like I can’t breathe.”
He pats my hand. “But what about your friends and college?”
“I just need a break from here. Just a week or two, please Uncle Matt.” I beg him. My eyes plead with him and whatever he must see it has him sighing and nodding.
“I’ll speak to your mum, but if she wants you here, then that’s the end of that, and it’s only for a week and then I’m bringing you home Ella. You belong here with your mum.”
I bob my head. A week is good. A week to recover and refocus. I just need some time away from all this.
As promised, Uncle Matt speaks to my mum, and she reluctantly agrees that I can go and stay with him for a week. We talk it through, and she tells me she understands that is hard for me coming back here. The next day I pack up a weekend bag with essentials. Connor has been lighting up my phone time and time again, but I’ve ignored his calls. It’s better this way. It’s better if I keep out of Dylan’s life from now on. My mum has been in regular contact with Dylan’s mum, and he woke up yesterday and was talking. Now I know that he’s going to be okay, I can leave him be. It’s for the best, no matter how much my heart aches for him.
I leave my bike in the garage and I place my bag in the back of Uncle Matt's Land Rover. I give my mum a hug. She cups my face in her hands, looking concerned.
