Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

  ‘Yeah, it’s early days.’

  ‘Well, have fun! If you change your mind, you know where we are.’

  Lisa felt bad as she walked away, a little of her pleasure at the thought of seeing Grayson ebbing away. Maybe she just wasn’t cut out for relationships – even long-distance ones. It was so hard juggling people’s demands on your time, trying to give all your relationships the attention they deserved and keep everyone happy. If she was going to do this, she had to make a real effort to spend more time with her friends during the week when Grayson wasn’t around.

  ‘What happened to spaghetti and meatballs?’ Grayson asked later as they ate dinner.

  Lisa had cooked fillet steaks with mushrooms and onions, roasted vine tomatoes, sauté potatoes and pepper sauce.

  ‘Don’t you like it?’

  ‘It’s delicious. But you shouldn’t be spending your money on me.’

  She shrugged. ‘I wanted to treat you,’ she said, blushing as soon as the words were out of her mouth. It was ridiculous to think that she could treat Grayson. He could eat like this every day of the week, and the wine that she considered an extravagance was probably like supermarket plonk compared to the stuff he was accustomed to drinking.

  ‘Well, thank you. I feel very spoiled.’

  ‘You’re welcome,’ she smiled, pleased that he appreciated the effort she’d made. After all, she reminded herself, it was the thought that counted, and she’d put a lot of effort into making this dinner special.

  For dessert she served berries with thick, creamy Greek yoghurt drizzled with honey, and they chatted about what they had been doing during the week. But every so often, when he thought she wasn’t looking, Grayson’s smile faded and Lisa caught him glancing at her warily. She felt he was on the verge of saying something he knew she wouldn’t like. But then he’d catch her eye and smile again, and she’d think she’d imagined it.

  ‘I was talking to Isabel the other day,’ he said finally, pushing away his empty bowl.

  ‘Oh?’ He had that cagey look again as Lisa glanced at him, and it filled her with foreboding.

  ‘Yes.’ Grayson cleared his throat, looking down at the table before continuing. ‘She saw Mark last week at some exhibition.’

  Lisa heard the apprehension in his tone and swallowed hard. She wasn’t sure she wanted to hear more, but she got the feeling Grayson wanted to tell her.

  His eyes flicked up to hers. ‘He was with someone.’

  Lisa frowned. ‘You mean ...’

  ‘It seems he has a new girlfriend,’ Grayson said with a shrug that was meant to appear casual, but didn’t come off that way. ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d want to know.’

  Lisa didn’t know what to say. She wasn’t sure how she felt.

  ‘Isabel thought you might know her,’ Grayson continued. ‘Her name’s Rose, and she’s an artist. I think she may have gone to college with you?’

  ‘Rose!’ Lisa gasped. Her heart started to pound in her throat, and her skin felt clammy. She didn’t know why she suddenly felt so unsettled. ‘Yes, I do know her,’ she said, her throat tight. Her stomach lurched queasily.

  Grayson was watching her carefully. ‘Do you mind?’

  She hardly knew what she felt, but it must be obvious to Grayson that the news had shocked her and that she wasn’t happy about it.

  ‘I’m not jealous, if that’s what you mean. I don’t want Mark back – not at all. But ...’ She bit her lip, trying to identify exactly what she was feeling.

  ‘I thought you’d be glad that he’s moved on. You wouldn’t have to worry about him trying to find you anymore.’

  Lisa frowned. She couldn’t explain it. Logically she knew Grayson was right – she should be glad that Mark had found someone else. She could be completely free of him at last. She wouldn’t have to worry about him bothering her if she should move back to London. But she wasn’t happy – not at all. She just couldn’t put her finger on why.

  It wasn’t jealousy – she was sure of that much. She thought of the last time she had seen Rose, when she had bumped into her on Bond Street shortly before Mark left for China. She had been so full of energy and excitement about her upcoming solo show. The world seemed to be opening up before her. She was young and carefree, and seemed on the cusp of something big, her life full of promise and possibility. Lisa had envied her then – not now. She hated to think of Mark squashing all that youthful exuberance, turning that vivacious, vibrant girl into a cowering shadow of herself as he’d done to her.

  ‘Was this Rose a friend of yours?’ Grayson asked.

  She felt dazed and realised she’d been silent for a long time. ‘No.’ She shook herself back to the present. ‘We were at college together, but we weren’t particular friends.’

  ‘But you don’t like the idea of her being with Mark,’ Grayson said.

  She shook her head gravely. ‘I wouldn’t wish Mark on my worst enemy,’ she said. ‘I hate to think of him treating someone else the way he treated me.’

  ‘Maybe he’ll be different with her.’

  ‘Maybe,’ she said, unconvinced. She didn’t think Mark would ever change, not really. But perhaps Rose would be stronger than she had been. Maybe she’d stand up to him and not let him control and manipulate her. Suddenly she recognised the feeling she hadn’t been able to pinpoint. That corrosive gnawing in her gut wasn’t jealousy; it was guilt.

  ‘Rose doesn’t know what he’s like,’ she said. ‘No one does. He can be so charming. She doesn’t know what she’s getting into, and I feel like it’s my fault.’

  ‘Why?’ He frowned. ‘You’re not responsible for Mark.’

  ‘No, but ... I know it doesn’t make sense.’ She shook her head. ‘But maybe if I’d stood up to him, if I’d been braver—’

  ‘None of it is your fault,’ Grayson interrupted, covering her hand with his. ‘You had nobody. You were vulnerable and alone, and Mark took advantage of that. He abused your love and your trust, and that’s all on him. You’re not to blame for anything, Lisa.’

  ‘But maybe if I’d spoken up – if I’d let people know what he was really like, maybe Rose wouldn’t even be with him now.’ She sighed. ‘If only I could talk to her, try to warn her somehow ...’

  ‘She probably wouldn’t want to hear it,’ Grayson said. ‘She’ll find out for herself soon enough.’

  Lisa knew he was probably right. Rose wouldn’t welcome her interference, and besides, how could she even find a way to talk to her? They weren’t friends. She could only hope that Rose would be stronger than she was, and that if Mark was abusive towards her, she would have the strength to walk out.

  Lisa tried to put all thoughts of Mark behind her and had another idyllic weekend with Grayson. They surfed, swam, played chess and made love endlessly. On Saturday, Grayson’s parents took them to dinner at a wonderful seafood restaurant in Polperro and they spent the night at their house again. Don and Janet were as friendly and welcoming as the first time she’d met them, and the more Lisa got to know them, the fonder she became of them.

  After brunch at their house on Sunday, Grayson dropped her home before heading to the airport for his evening flight. Lisa’s heart sank a little as he parked outside her flat and cut the engine. A whole week without him stretched out before her – seven long days before she could touch him or kiss him or feel his arms around her – and it seemed like an endless time to wait.

  Grayson turned to her, sighing deeply as he took her in his arms.

  ‘I wish you could stay,’ she breathed against his mouth as he bent his head to hers.

  ‘Me too.’ He gave her a long, lingering kiss and Lisa hugged him closer, breathing him in, as if she could somehow absorb the smell and feel of him and store it up for when she was alone.

  He pulled back with a reluctant sigh and rested his forehead on hers. ‘I wish you were coming to London with me,’ he said, his thumb tracing her jaw line. ‘This long-distance thing is harder than I thought.’

  ‘I know. It
’s the same for me. But my life is here now.’

  He nodded. ‘I just miss you so much when we’re apart.’ He leaned in and nuzzled her face, placing soft kisses on her lips, her eyes, her cheeks.

  ‘Me too,’ Lisa sighed as he pulled back. ‘But there are advantages to the long-distance thing too.’

  ‘Really?’ He gave her a sceptical look. ‘How so?’

  ‘Well, at least this way you won’t get bored with me so easily.’

  He rolled his eyes. ‘Like that’s a possibility.’

  ‘If we saw each other all the time, you’d get tired of me soon enough.’

  He shook his head. ‘Never.’ He leaned in and kissed her again, his lips clinging to hers as if they never wanted to let go. ‘I’ll never get enough of you,’ he said.

  Chapter Thirteen

  ‘I’m beginning to wonder if this Grayson really exists,’ Katya said, topping up her glass from the pitcher of margarita in the centre of the table.

  ‘You think I invented an imaginary boyfriend?’ Lisa laughed.

  ‘Well, he allegedly spends all his weekends here, but I’ve never seen him. Have you, Martha?’

  ‘Nope.’ Martha dipped a tortilla chip into guacamole and popped it into her mouth. ‘But I think he exists all right,’ she said with a sideways smile at Lisa. ‘I don’t think an imaginary boyfriend would give her that glow.’

  It was Friday night, and they were all seated cross-legged on the floor around Lisa’s coffee table.

  ‘I have a glow?’

  Katya nodded. ‘Just a little, yeah.’

  ‘It can probably be seen from outer space,’ Martha said dryly.

  Lisa knew she was smiling goofily, but she couldn’t help it. Just the thought of Grayson made her feel warm and happy, and tingly all over. She wasn’t surprised it was visible to other people.

  ‘Besides,’ Martha added to Katya, ‘where do you think she disappears off to every weekend?’

  Lisa had spent the last three weekends in a row with Grayson, and they had all been as perfect as the first. She would cook dinner for him on Friday and they’d stay in and catch up, and then they’d spend the next two precious days wrapped up in each other, whether they were in bed or taking trips along the coast. Their time together was intense and blissful, and every Sunday evening when Grayson had to leave was harder than the last. She missed him so much when they were apart, aching for his touch, the feel of his body next to hers, the warmth of his smile. They spoke on the phone often, but it wasn’t the same as having him there with her.

  Despite that, she had planned to spend this Friday night with her friends. She was still haunted by how she had let herself become isolated when she was with Mark, and she was determined that she would never again ditch her friends for the sake of a man. So she’d been making a conscious effort to spend more time with Katya and Martha during the week.

  But they still complained that she never joined them in the pub on Friday nights anymore, or for Sunday dinner in Martha’s. She felt guilty that she was spending less time with them. They’d both been such good friends to her, and she didn’t want them to think she took them for granted. So she’d invited them over tonight for drinks and nachos, and put Grayson off coming until tomorrow.

  ‘I need to get on with some work,’ she’d told him when they spoke earlier in the week. ‘I never paint when you’re here, and there are some things I need to finish.’ She felt awkward about lying to him, but she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him she simply wanted to have a girls’ night with her friends.

  ‘Sure,’ he’d said readily. ‘I wouldn’t want to get in the way of your painting.’

  She knew he was disappointed, and she hated cutting the little time they had together even shorter. But she forced herself to stay strong and resist the temptation to change her mind.

  ‘I’ll see you on Saturday? Maybe you could drive down on Friday anyway and spend the night with your parents. I’m sure they’d love to have you to themselves for once.’

  ‘Nonsense. They love having you around, Lisa. But that’s a good idea. That way, I could drive over to you in the morning and we’ll still have almost two whole days together.’

  ‘But when are we going to get to meet him?’ Katya broke into Lisa’s thoughts. ‘I thought he might come to see our exhibition last week.’

  Katya and Lisa along with several of their friends had donated paintings to a charity auction in the village hall the previous Wednesday, and there had been a small preview exhibition beforehand.

  She shook her head. ‘He can only come on weekends.’

  ‘It’s the weekend now,’ Katya persisted. ‘I thought he might be here tonight. Doesn’t he usually come on Fridays?’

  ‘He’s spending tonight with his parents,’ Lisa told her. ‘He’ll be here tomorrow.’

  ‘You should bring him to the pub, then!’ Katya said brightly. ‘Connor’s band are playing.’

  Lisa shrugged noncommittally. ‘Maybe. I don’t think it’s really his kind of thing, but we’ll see.’

  ‘Oh, back off, Katya,’ Martha said good-naturedly. ‘It’s their first night together all week. I’m sure they’ve got better things to do than spend it down the pub with us.’

  ‘True,’ Katya laughed.

  ‘But if he’s still here on Sunday,’ Martha said, ‘why don’t the two of you come to dinner at my place?’

  Lisa smiled shakily. ‘Thanks, Martha. I’ll ask him, but he may already have made plans with his parents.’

  ‘Well, you know you’re always welcome. Anyway, we’ll meet him next Saturday, won’t we?’ She looked expectantly at Lisa. It was her birthday and she had already invited Katya, Connor and Martha over for dinner to celebrate. She had planned it ages ago, but for some reason she still hadn’t mentioned it to Grayson. ‘He’ll definitely be there, won’t he?’

  ‘Yeah ... hopefully,’ Lisa said awkwardly.

  Martha’s smile faded suddenly, and Lisa caught her and Katya exchanging worried looks.

  ‘What?’ she asked, looking between the two of them.

  ‘It’s just ... you said you knew Grayson before when you were in London,’ Martha began tentatively.

  ‘Yes?’

  ‘I know you told Katya you were just friends, but ... was there more to it than that?’

  ‘Sort of.’ Lisa blushed, glancing at Katya. She brushed imaginary crumbs off her jeans, not sure how to answer. ‘We had a bit of a fling’ she said with a casual shrug. ‘It was a very short-lived thing.’

  ‘Sorry,’ Martha said. ‘I don’t mean to pry. It’s none of our business, and I know you don’t like to talk about it, but we know you were in a bad relationship before you came here ...’

  ‘Oh, no!’ Lisa gasped, suddenly grasping why they were concerned. ‘It wasn’t Grayson.’

  ‘It wasn’t?’

  ‘No.’ Lisa shook her head vehemently. ‘In fact, he helped me get out of that relationship.’

  ‘Well, that’s a relief,’ Katya said.

  Martha visibly relaxed. ‘Sorry, we don’t mean to be nosy. We were just a bit worried.’

  Lisa nodded. ‘It’s fine,’ she smiled. ‘I get it.’ She’d been spending all this time with Grayson, but he’d never met her friends. She realised they were concerned that he was trying to isolate her, just as Mark had done. Far from resenting their interference, she felt incredibly lucky to have people who cared so much looking out for her.

  ‘His name was Mark,’ she said, resolving to tell them all about him some time. She felt bad that she’d been so reticent and guarded with them in the past. She’d shut them out, and they deserved for her to be more open with them. But she would tell them about Mark another time. Tonight was about having fun and she didn’t want to spoil the light-hearted mood.

  ‘Grayson couldn’t be more different,’ she said, smiling. ‘He was a really good friend to me when I needed someone, and he never expected anything in return.’

  ‘Well, I like him already,�
�� Martha said, raising her glass. ‘To the man who put that smile on your face!’

  ‘To Grayson,’ Lisa said softly, and they all clinked glasses.

  Grayson arrived the following morning and offered to take Lisa out for brunch.

  ‘Where’s good to eat around here?’ he asked. ‘What about the cafe where you work?’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘It’s a beautiful day. Why don’t we go somewhere down by the sea? There’s a nice place right by the harbour.’

  ‘Sure. Lead the way.’

  It was a mild autumn day as they strolled down to the restaurant hand-in-hand. They sat at a table overlooking the harbour and ordered strong black coffee and plates of huevos rancheros.

  ‘How were your parents?’ Lisa asked as they ate.

  ‘Great. Though they were sorry not to see you. They’re very fond of you, you know.’

  Lisa smiled. ‘I’m fond of them too. We could go and see them today, if you like?’

  ‘Why don’t we just stay here?’ Grayson suggested. ‘We never really spend any time here. You can show me around.’

  ‘Sure, if you like. Though there isn’t a whole lot to see.’

  ‘It’s where you live,’ Grayson said. ‘I’d like to be able to picture your life here – imagine what you do when I’m not around. So far all I’ve really seen is your bedroom. Not that I’m complaining,’ he added with a grin. ‘It’s an area of outstanding natural beauty.’

  Lisa smiled. ‘Okay, I’ll give you the tour, such as it is.’

  ‘So, how was your week? Did you get much painting done last night?’

  ‘Yeah, a bit,’ Lisa hedged. ‘Not as much as I’d hoped.’

  ‘Should I have stayed away longer? You can just tell me, you know, if you want to get some work done without me around distracting you and leading you astray.’

  ‘I like you distracting me,’ she said, with a crooked smile.

  Grayson took her hand across the table. ‘I really missed you last night,’ he said, his fingers curling around hers.

  ‘Me too,’ she said huskily as their eyes locked and held. ‘I look forward all week to having you here, leading me astray.’