Playing by Heart

by Cleary James

Susie gave a relieved sigh. ‘I didn’t think so, but ...’

  Lisa knew what she was thinking. She’d been in love with him once. She’d been a total idiot where Mark was concerned, completely taken in by him. She’d dropped her friends and given up her career, sacrificing everything to be with him. She couldn’t blame Susie for doubting her.

  ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said. It was such a relief just to talk about it to someone, it already didn’t seem like such a big deal.

  ‘Have you told Grayson?’

  ‘No.’ She shook her head. ‘I don’t want to involve him if I can help it.’

  ‘But this is ... it’s not normal behaviour, Lisa. It’s harassment – stalking maybe. You have to do something to stop it.’

  ‘I know. It’s starting to really get to me. I can’t concentrate on my work.’

  ‘You won’t even have any room to do it, if this keeps up much longer,’ Susie laughed, lightening the atmosphere. ‘I thought he was with Rose now anyway? They were together at your show.’

  ‘Yeah, he is,’ Lisa sighed. ‘Which makes this even creepier.’

  ‘God, poor Rose.’

  ‘I know. I talked to her the other night. I tried to warn her off, but—’

  ‘You did?’ Susie’s eyebrows shot up, and Lisa felt a pang of shame. Susie wasn’t used to her standing up for herself or anyone else.

  ‘Yeah, I’ve changed,’ she said with a shaky smile.

  Susie grinned. ‘I like it.’ She nodded approvingly. ‘I mean, I loved the old Lisa, but I’m really digging this new you.’

  Lisa shrugged. ‘It didn’t do much good anyway. She basically told me to fuck off. She accused me of being jealous.’

  ‘Yeah, right,’ Susie huffed. ‘Have you kept the letters Mark sent?’

  ‘Not the first one – I tore it up and threw it away. It didn’t occur to me to keep it; that it might be—’

  ‘Evidence,’ Susie finished for her, her face hard.

  ‘Yeah. It seems ridiculous even thinking like that, but—’

  ‘It’s not ridiculous,’ Susie frowned. ‘It’s realistic – sensible. This sort of thing can escalate and get out of control.’

  Lisa knew she was right. In a way, it did seem silly to be frightened of someone you used to live with; someone you used to love. She had felt foolish thinking of letters from an ex-boyfriend as evidence. And yet some instinct had made her see them that way, and after impulsively tearing up the first one, she had kept all the rest, along with the cards from all the flowers that had been delivered. She had even kept a record of the dates and times so that they could be easily verified by the florists. She shuddered. It was frightening to realise what she subconsciously feared.

  ‘Are the letters threatening at all?’ Susie asked.

  ‘Not really. They’re very intense, but he just keeps saying that he loves me and wants me back.’ She took a deep breath. ‘He says that he can’t live without me, we’re not meant to live without each other – stuff like that.’

  ‘So he hasn’t made any direct threats,’ Susie clarified.

  ‘No, but—’

  ‘But there are implied threats in all this can’t live without you stuff.’ Susie frowned, and Lisa felt oddly comforted that she was taking this so seriously.

  ‘Yes, that’s how it feels,’ she said, feeling vindicated. Those words had scared her most of all. ‘And the last couple ...’ She bit her lip. The last two letters had been different. The tone was more aggressive, the content sexual and explicit, verging on pornographic.

  I miss your beautiful body, and the way you fucked me. Nobody fucks like you, Lisa. Believe me, I know. I’ve fucked countless other women trying to get over you, but none of them even come close to how you make me feel. You have a unique combination of innocence and whorishness that’s completely beguiling. I spend every day surrounded by beautiful things, but I’ve never seen anything to match the sight of you kneeling naked on the floor, your mouth filled with my cock, my cum dripping from your swollen lips. The way you’d look up at me then from beneath your eyelashes, so eager to please – you can’t tell me that’s not love. It makes me hard just thinking of the look in your eyes. It was love, Lisa – pure, worshipful love.

  They got more graphic by the day.

  You’re mine, Lisa. I can’t bear to think of you giving someone else what’s mine. What we had was special. Just come back to me, baby and we can have it again. I miss you so much. I miss fucking your tight little ass. You were so sweetly submissive, always willing to give me whatever I wanted, ready to bear your own pain for the sake of my pleasure. You wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t love me. Do you do that for him? Do you let him flip you over and bury himself so deep inside you it hurts? Do you kneel on cold tile for him and let him fuck your mouth so hard it brings tears to your eyes? Does he bite your beautiful soft skin? Has he left his mark on you?

  She shuddered. She couldn’t bear for anyone else to see those letters and read those things about her. She hated the thought of having to show them to the police, but more than that she couldn’t stand the thought of Grayson reading them. She knew that was partly why she hadn’t told anyone. She had kept it to herself, hoping Mark would get the message and lose interest when she didn’t respond. But instead it had got worse. Maybe that was what he wanted – to humiliate and intimidate her into keeping it to herself, so it would be like a guilty secret between them and she was colluding in her own persecution.

  ‘Has he ever turned up here – called, tried to see you?’

  ‘No. Not so far.’ But she felt like it was only a matter of time. She had started to look behind her when she was out on the street, and her stomach dropped with dread now whenever the phone rang.

  Susie sighed. ‘What are you going to do?’ she asked.

  Lisa had been mulling over that very question before Susie turned up. Ignoring him hadn’t worked. She was going to have to try a different approach.

  ‘I have to tell him that I want this to stop. Then if he keeps it up—’

  ‘It definitely constitutes harassment,’ Susie finished for her.

  Lisa nodded. ‘I’m going to go and see him – confront him about it. I’m going to tell him straight out that I want it to stop.’

  Susie’s eyes widened in shock. ‘Do you think that’s wise? Couldn’t you just call him?’

  ‘I think it’ll work better face to face. And what’s he going to do? I’ll go to the gallery, so we’ll be in a public place. He won’t try anything there. He’ll have to maintain his perfect professional facade.’

  ‘Are you going to tell Grayson?’

  ‘No, not if I can help it. I really don’t want anyone to see those letters, Susie. The things he wrote ...’

  ‘Well, I think someone should go with you at least. Do you want me to come?’

  ‘No,’ Lisa shook her head. ‘Thanks, but honestly, it’ll be fine. I’ll just talk to him, try to make him see reason.’

  Susie still looked worried. ‘I don’t know. I don’t think Mark and reason are really on speaking terms.’

  Lisa gave a little laugh. ‘I know what you mean. But don’t worry. We’ll be at his place of work. There’ll be people around. What can he do?’

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  She wasn’t feeling so brave the next day as she made her way to Mark’s gallery. Her heart was in her mouth and her legs felt like lead. She was sorely tempted to back out. But she had to put a stop to his harassment, so she forced herself to carry on.

  She hadn’t expected Greta to be at the reception desk. That was awkward.

  ‘Lisa!’ She greeted her with a warm smile. Lisa wondered how much she knew about her and Mark’s break-up. ‘How nice to see you. How are you doing?’

  ‘Great, thanks. I was wondering could I see Mark. It won’t take long. I just want to talk to him to ... tie up some loose ends.’

  Greta picked up the phone and spoke to Mark. ‘He said you can go up,’ she said as she put down the recei
ver. ‘You know where his office is?’

  ‘Yes. Thank you.’ Lisa felt shaky as she crossed the floor to the stairs. But Greta knew she was here. It wasn’t as if Mark could kidnap her, she thought, trying to laugh away her nerves. Still her heart was pounding as she walked up to the first floor.

  She knocked softly on the door.

  ‘Come in,’ Mark’s voice boomed.

  She opened the door and stepped inside, deliberately not closing it behind her.

  ‘Lisa!’ Mark sprang up from his desk and crossed the room to her. In one move he closed the door and pinned her back against it.

  ‘Finally,’ he said, reaching out to lightly caress her cheek as he looked down at her. ‘I thought you’d never come.’ He smiled, and Lisa’s stomach turned over as she realised he’d completely misread the situation. She knew at once she’d made a huge mistake coming here alone. What had she been thinking? But it hadn’t occurred to her that he could actually believe his attentions were welcome.

  ‘You really know how to draw out the agony,’ he said with a crooked smile. His face was flushed with passion. ‘I’ve been dying here, Lisa, without a word from you.’

  ‘Mark, stop!’ She shook off his hand, and wriggled out from where she was trapped between him and the door. She took a step away from him, putting distance between them. ‘I didn’t come here for this.’

  He frowned, his expression like thunder. ‘What are you here for, then? You got my flowers? My letters?’

  ‘Yes, I got them,’ she said tightly. ‘But I don’t want them. I came here to tell you that you have to stop. Stop sending me flowers, stop writing to me.’

  ‘Lisa,’ he looked at her forlornly. ‘Is that really all you have to say to me after all this time?’ He moved closer and took her arm, his fingers digging into her flesh. ‘What do you want? Just tell me and it’s yours.’

  ‘I don’t want anything from you, Mark. I just want you to leave me alone.’

  ‘You can’t mean that,’ he said. ‘What we had – it doesn’t just disappear. I’ve missed you so much, Lisa,’ he said, his eyes glittering dangerously. ‘Haven’t you missed me?’

  ‘No,’ she said, appalled by how shaky her voice sounded. ‘I told you we’re over, Mark. I’ve ... moved on. We both have,’ she added desperately.

  ‘Ah yes, Grayson.’ He smiled nastily. ‘I suppose I only have myself to blame for that. I should never have shared you.’ He released his grip on her arm, but instead his hand slid down her body, brushing against the side of her breast, curling around the curve of her hip. His eyes darkened as they followed its trail. ‘I should have known you couldn’t handle it, that you wouldn’t take it for what it was. It was just a bit of fun. You were only meant to fuck him, not run off into the sunset with him.’

  ‘Mark,’ she choked, pushing him away. ‘Please stop!’

  To her relief, he let her go. ‘Shall I tell you something funny?’ he said, striding to his desk. ‘This will give you a laugh. Remember I told you I had another surprise for you when I got back from China?’

  Lisa nodded wordlessly, her throat dry.

  ‘Aren’t you curious what it was?’ He pulled something out of one of the drawers and slammed it shut.

  She shook her head. ‘It—it doesn’t matter. Mark, I have to—’

  But as she turned to go, he strode up to her and grabbed her arm roughly. ‘It was this.’ To her horror, he pulled out her hand and placed a small velvet ring box on the flat of her palm.

  ‘Open it,’ he snapped.

  ‘No,’ she shook her head, the box balanced on her outstretched hand.

  He grabbed it and flipped it open, revealing a large sapphire and diamond ring couched on a bed of white satin.

  ‘I was going to ask you to marry me, Lisa,’ he said accusingly. ‘I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. I was coming home to propose, and instead I find you’ve run off without a word – with him!’ His lip curled in a sneer and he flung the ring box to the ground with such force that it bounced and hit off the far wall.

  She flinched, and her heart pounded, feeling an old familiar terror as he raged on.

  ‘You couldn’t even be bothered to tell me in person,’ he said, panting in anger. ‘You just sent me a text. Do you really think that was all I deserved after all the time we’d been together?’

  Lisa sagged defeatedly. ‘But you wouldn’t listen. I tried to tell you. So many times I tried to—’

  ‘Really?’ His voice was dripping with sarcasm as he cocked his head to the side and raised an eyebrow. ‘When did you try to me tell me? When you said you loved me? Was I supposed to deduce it from that? Or maybe you tried to show me, since you’re so inept with words? Hmm? When you got on your knees and sucked my cock, was that your way of telling me it was over? Really, I’m interested. When you let me fuck your ass until you couldn’t stand, was that it? Did I misread the signals?’

  ‘Stop it!’ She put her hands over her ears. ‘Mark, please!’

  He sighed heavily, hands on his hips, his head hanging contritely. ‘Sorry, baby,’ he said, lifting his head, his eyes full of remorse. ‘But if you weren’t happy, couldn’t you have just talked to me about it, instead of running off like that as if you were afraid of me? I never did anything to hurt you, did I?’

  She looked at him aghast.

  ‘Well, never more than you could stand,’ he amended with a sardonic smile that made her feel sick. He took a step towards her, backing her up against the door. ‘I’m sorry I shouted. I just love you so much, Lisa, it drives me crazy. You’re all I want – all I’ve ever wanted.’

  ‘That’s not true, Mark. I was never enough for you. You wanted me to have surgery. You wanted to have sex with other people.’

  ‘ I know I made mistakes with you,’ he said, curving a hand around her hip. ‘But just come back to me, baby, and I promise things will be different. Please. I like the way you look now – you’re sexier than ever.’ His eyes roamed over her breasts. ‘We can do it your way. I promise I’ll never share you again. I’ll never even look at another woman, if that’s what you need.’

  She shook her head. ‘I can’t listen to this,’ she said, steadying her voice with an effort. ‘I don’t love you anymore, Mark. There’s nothing else to say.’ She pushed away from the door, and this time he released her. ‘Stop sending me flowers, stop writing to me. It won’t change anything.’

  Before he could say anything else, she quickly opened the door and left, her heart pounding as she raced down the stairs to the gallery. She didn’t look back, but she heard Mark’s door open, and she could feel his eyes on her as she crossed the floor and made her way outside.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  ‘So, when are you off to Cornwall?’ Daniel asked her a week later. It was the second Friday in December, and Lisa had met up with Susie and Daniel for a pre-Christmas drink before they all went their separate ways for the holiday. They were crammed around a little table in the muggy warmth of a crowded pub festooned with tinsel and twinkling fairy lights.

  ‘We’re flying down on the twenty-third.’ They were spending Christmas with Grayson’s family. She was looking forward to it, though she was a little nervous about meeting his sisters for the first time. They planned to celebrate the New Year in Porth Heron, and she was excited about seeing all her old friends again. They kept in touch regularly by email and phone, but it wasn’t the same as being together in person.

  ‘It’ll be good to get away,’ she said, poking her straw in her drink broodingly.

  ‘Is Mark still pestering you?’ Susie asked.

  She nodded. ‘He’s still sending letters almost every day.’

  Daniel threw her a sympathetic look. He’d noticed how tense and edgy she was lately whenever they met up at the studio, and when he’d expressed concern, she’d confided in him about Mark’s harassment.

  Mark had stopped sending flowers since the day she went to his office, but the letters kept on coming. She still hadn’t told Gr
ayson about them. Right now she didn’t want to have to think about it. She felt worn down by it, and she just wanted to get out of London and put it all out of her mind for a while. Maybe Mark would lose interest over the break ...

  ‘I still can’t believe you went over there on your own to confront him,’ Daniel said. ‘Please don’t ever do that again without bringing at least one of us for back-up.’

  Lisa smiled at him gratefully. ‘Don’t worry, I’ve learned my lesson.’

  ‘Have you seen him since?’ Susie asked.

  ‘No. But he’ll be at Isabel’s party tomorrow.’ Isabel was throwing a lavish end-of-year bash at the gallery.

  Susie pulled a face. ‘Do you have to go?’

  ‘No. Grayson’s happy to skip it if I want, and I know Isabel would understand. But I feel I owe it to her to be there. Besides,’ she shrugged, ‘there’ll be lots of people there who I do want to see. Hopefully I’ll be able to avoid Mark for the night.’

  ‘Good luck with that,’ Daniel said.

  ‘So, have we all finished our Christmas shopping?’ Susie asked, and Lisa was grateful to her for changing the subject.

  ‘I just have a few last-minute things to get for Grayson’s family. I’ll finish it tomorrow.’

  ‘Ugh, I don’t envy you,’ Daniel grimaced. ‘I did all my shopping online. I couldn’t face those crowds.’

  ‘You’re such a Grinch!’ Susie said, giving him a playful slap.

  ‘Face it, London’s a nightmare at this time of year. I can’t wait to get out.’

  ‘I love it,’ Lisa said. She drained her glass.

  ‘Weirdo! Another one?’ Daniel stood and headed for the bar.

  Lisa was looking forward to getting away to Cornwall this year, but she loved London in the run-up to Christmas. Everything about it was cheering and brought back happy memories – the smell of roasting chestnuts rising in wafts of steam from street vendors’ stalls; the glittery shop window displays; even the crowded pavements as shoppers jostled together laden down with bags and brightly wrapped gifts.