Gods of Chaos MC Box Set 4

by Honey Palomino

  “Bad night, I guess,” I said. “I didn’t get much sleep.”

  Julia nodded, respectively. She’d been pretty great about not pushing me to talk when I didn’t want to, which was most of the time. I’d kept most of the details of what I’d gone through to myself. Why put anyone else through that?

  Julia assumed my sleeplessness was attributed to the lingering trauma I’d suffered at Mona’s hands, and while that may have been the case a few months ago, there was an entirely new cause of distress for me.

  I was lying about the sleeplessness.

  I was sleeping fine. Long restful sessions that left me dreaming deeply.

  It was the dreams that were getting to me.

  For the last week, I’d dreamt of having sex with Bullet every single night. Each dream was more explicit than the last, leading up to last night, when I’d finally reached the end of the dream, which left me writhing violently in my bed, my body seized in a full-body orgasm until my screams woke me up and I found myself completely alone and breathlessly tangled in my sheets, sweat pouring between my breasts, and my hand firmly grinding into my crotch.

  I was a mess.

  So, yeah, this morning, I was a little more quiet than usual.

  But how could I tell Julia all that? I couldn’t. So, I committed myself to a little white lie and lied to my best friend’s face and let her think I was traumatized.

  I know, I’m terrible.

  I’m trying not to beat myself up over it, though.

  My therapist tells me I need to take care of myself first. Well, that one time I went to therapy, that is. So, here I am doing just that.

  Lying to keep from embarrassing myself. Seems healthy to me.

  “You sure you’re okay? I saw the news and they haven’t found the baby yet.”

  “That’s terrible,” I said. “But yes, I’m okay. Don’t worry about me.”

  “Okay, then.” Julia kisses me on the cheek on her way out the door, a flurry of turquoise chiffon and Chanel No. 5 and blonde curls. “Call me if you need me!” She sing-songs out the door and suddenly I’m alone again.

  Just me.

  And the man haunting my thoughts.

  It’s been months and I’m still thinking about him. I even tried to replace him, going out on a date with one of Julia’s friends. It was a nightmare of a date, and all I could do was sit there and compare him to Bullet.

  He was a young, hipster entrepreneur with a condo in the Pearl and the obligatory BMW, but I just kept staring at his tiny little wrists throughout the entire date. They were smaller than mine. And his skin was so…bare.

  No scars. No ink.

  He took me to Masu for sushi, sitting across the table from me like he’d just walked off a magazine page and he wouldn’t stop talking about his job creating apps. It took everything I had not to fall asleep.

  The sushi was the best part of the evening, and when we got back to my place, he expected to be invited in. I let him in for a drink and quickly realized he was of the opinion that the two hundred dollar sushi he’d paid for also came with a bonus roll in the hay.

  I took one look at those skinny fingers and knew it would be a hard pass for me.

  He wasn’t happy. But I didn’t care. Not even the next day when I got an earful of disappointed sighs from Julia.

  I didn’t see myself with Bullet, but I didn’t want to be with anyone else either.

  Did I mention what a mess I am?

  I missed my pre-Mona life like crazy.

  Everything was normal, uneventful. And yet, I was completely fulfilled and satisfied. I knew I was adopted, but my parents are so incredible, none of that mattered to me. I had no desire to know who my real parents were, because I had parents that loved me.

  There were no empty spots, there was nothing missing.

  I had school and Julia, and my art. I figured I’d find love eventually, when I was ready, but I had everything I needed.

  Now, there were days I had no idea what I was doing. I had no idea if I was going in the right direction. I wasn’t sure what I wanted out of life.

  I wasn’t even sure who I was any more.

  Knowing Mona, knowing her blood ran through me, insane and dangerous and unpredictable, had left me questioning everything I’d ever believed about myself.

  Would I inherit her insanity?

  Does the evil that runs through her veins also run through mine?

  She’s a brilliant artist. I’d been drawn to her long before she’d kidnapped me. Is that why I’m an artist now?

  Did something inside of me know she was my mother?

  Did something inside of her know I was her daughter?

  There were so many unanswered and disturbing questions that most days I was just going through the motions of life, my head spinning, my heart bleeding like an unattended wound. Part of me wanted to call Bullet and collapse into his loving arms, but I knew that wouldn’t be fair to him. I couldn’t use him that way. He wasn’t meant to be my therapist. It wasn’t up to him to save me.

  Not then, when we were caged together in that tiny basement.

  And not now, when I’m locked into my own mental hell.

  No, I have to figure a way out on my own. And I will. Eventually.

  Until then, I’ll just smile and fake my way through my days.

  I wake up. I go to work. I go to the studio. And I go to bed.

  Rinse and repeat, day after day, until hopefully the pain will finally wash away.

  Showered and dressed, I walked though my morning routine still lost in my dream. Images of Bullet flashed in my head. His eyes, smoldering and hungry, raking over my body. His large, rough hands, sliding over my hips, his thick fingers digging into my hips, his forearms flexing as he held me tightly as he finally pushed inside of me, his entire weight deliciously pressing me into the bed, his slow, searching kiss that I couldn’t get enough of…

  When the phone rang, it took three rings before I even heard it.

  When I saw it was Grace, my heart skipped a beat.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  GRACE

  Libby said no. Who can blame her?

  I hung up the phone with a heavy heart but more determined than ever to get my baby back. At least I knew Sadie was alive and who had her.

  Mona had really done a number on Libby. I hated that I was the one that opened up that huge can of worms for her. If I’d never told Mona her name, none of this would have happened. It was all my fault.

  My gut twisted as I thought about what the best plan forward was. If Libby wouldn’t cooperate, I certainly couldn’t make her.

  There was one thing I knew for certain, though. I couldn’t do this alone. My mind was too clouded with emotion. I needed the collective intelligence and resources of Solid Ground if I was ever going to get Sadie back.

  I walked back out of the bathroom ten minutes later looking as if I’d just been run over by a truck.

  “Ryder, we need to talk,” I said. He was standing with Slade and they both turned to me with concern. “Mona has the baby.”

  “Mona!” Slade roared. “That fucking bitch!”

  “What!” Ryder exclaimed. “Where are they?”

  “Let’s go, we need to make a plan,” I said, hurrying down the hallway. They followed me, fuming, their anger and mine palpable as we walked out into the parking lot of KATU.

  “I’ve been itching for another chance to get at that woman,” Slade said as soon as the door closed. “She’s completely insane.”

  “I don’t know where they are yet,” I said. “She called me while I was in the bathroom. Said she’d trade Sadie for Libby.”

  “Libby doesn’t want anything to do with her,” Slade said.

  “That’s what I told her,” I replied. “She said she just wants to talk. It doesn’t matter, though, because I called Libby and she refused to help.”

  “She refused?” Ryder said. “How could she fucking refuse?”

  “It’s her choice,” I said, my heart r
acing. “But we can’t let Mona know that. Not until we get Sadie back.”

  “Sounds like you have a plan,” Ryder said.

  “I think I do, but you aren’t going to like it.”

  “No, Grace, you aren’t going in there alone.”

  “She insisted, Ryder!” I replied. “And it’s Sadie. This isn’t a stranger. This is our daughter.”

  “Seriously, y’all, don’t fight over this,” Slade said. “Just give me the address and I’ll bust in there and show Miss Mona who the real fucking boss of this town is.”

  “You?” Ryder asked.

  “Look, man, she had me fucked up, okay?” Slade said. It was true, he’d been a mess when he’d finally come out of that basement. “All because I wouldn’t fuck her! What kind of evil asshole does that?”

  “She is evil,” Ryder said. “And I’m not about to let her get away with this. We’ll get Sadie back, and then we’ll make sure Mona pays for this shit.”

  “Mona’s fucked up, too,” I replied. “I just wish she’d leave us out of it.”

  “Well, here we are.”

  “Yeah, here we are,” I said, sighing heavily. “I think I should just go by myself. Try to talk to her. I think she’ll give Sadie up to me, Libby or no Libby.”

  “I think you’re overestimating her kindness,” Slade said. “That woman does not like it one bit when she doesn’t get what she wants.”

  “I’ll explain to her that Libby doesn’t want to know her, that Libby is better off that way. I’ll appeal to the mother in her.”

  “There’s nothing nurturing about her, I’m telling you,” Slade said.

  I looked up at Ryder, his brow deeply furrowed, his mouth set into a tight line.

  “You’re not fucking going alone, Grace, and that’s that. I’m not letting you out of my sight ever again, and as soon as we get Sadie back, the same goes for her. I fucked up once, and I’m not doing it again. No matter what some insane madwoman insists upon.”

  I opened my mouth to protest, but the darkness in his eyes stopped me. He was furious. He was worried sick. And he was ready to fuck up anyone who argued with him. Ryder was rarely so incensed but in this moment, there was no arguing with him.

  I closed my mouth and nodded.

  “Let’s go back to the clubhouse and work out a plan,” he said. Slade and I silently followed behind him as we made our way to our bikes.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  BULLET

  The tension in the air of the clubhouse conference room could have been cut with the butcher knife hanging from Slade’s waist. Grace and Ryder looked like they’d aged ten years in just a few short days and the rest of the Gods were pissed.

  Anger rolled off my brothers like heat off leather on a blazing summer day.

  I was no exception.

  Once I heard it was Mona who’d taken the baby, I was furious. She’d caused so much pain already. She’d done so much damage to Libby.

  Hell, she was the reason Libby wouldn’t be with me, as far as I could tell. I mean, no, Libby hadn’t said as much, but I knew I was just a reminder of the hell she’d gone through at Mona’s hands. The fact that she turned out to actually be her biological mother had to have been such a mind-fuck for Libby.

  Not to mention the humiliation she’d put me through.

  I hadn’t forgotten the experience I’d had with her. I still hadn’t talked to anyone about it, either. I felt violated, embarrassed, humiliated. She’d forced me into that situation, then when I wouldn’t give her what she wanted, she manipulated me and my body took over.

  That humiliation had stuck with me, no matter how much I tried to shake it off.

  I fucking hated that she’d gotten into my head.

  And now she was back to cause more trouble.

  She was clearly the craziest woman in the world to come after Ryder and Grace’s baby, knowing how much firepower they have behind them. Us Gods would do anything to help them, and collectively, we’re unbeatable.

  Mona would never know what hit her.

  Which made her the stupidest woman, in addition to the craziest.

  “Grace will go talk to Mona alone,” Ryder was saying. “But I will be extremely close by. If Mona tries anything, I’ll be right there.”

  “Grace just had a baby and survived an assault,” I said.

  “That’s right, I did. And the key word there is survived. I made it through, and that makes me that much stronger,” she said, lifting her chin defiantly. The spirit that ran through this woman was admirable. Her bravery seemed to have no limits.

  “Sorry,” I muttered, feeling like a fool for questioning her.

  “It’s okay,” she said, flashing me a sad smile.

  “What about Libby, though?” I asked. I had to. She was all I could think about.

  “As I said, she refused to help.”

  “What if Mona goes after her?”

  “Bullet, I don’t know what to tell you, honestly.” Grace shrugged. “I’m worried about her, too.”

  “Wouldn’t she be safer here?” I blurted out.

  “Of course,” she nodded. “But I don’t think she’s interested in our protection.”

  “I don’t like it,” I growled, growing more uncomfortable by the minute.

  “Me, either,” she replied.

  “For fuck’s sake,” Slade interrupted, looking at me like I was dense. “Dude, if you’re worried about your woman, go get her. It’s simple.”

  “She’s not my woman,” I replied.

  “Well, clearly, she should be. You’ve been so torn up the last few months it’s ridiculous. Grow a pair and go get her. At the very least, bring her back here for a little while until this shit dies down.”

  I nodded, contemplating his words.

  “I’ve been trying to respect her wishes.”

  “Well, I bet she wishes not to die, too,” Slade said, rolling his eyes.

  I growled, wrinkling my brow. “Goddammit.”

  “That’s what I’m saying,” Slade said, flashing me his signature crooked grin. “Look, man, sometimes, you gotta be a little assertive. Chicks dig it.”

  “There’s a fine line between being assertive and being an asshole,” Riot said. “Slade’s not so good at staying on the right side of that line, so think hard before taking his advice.”

  “Damn, you make me sound like a rapist or something,” Slade protested. “I’m a fucking teddy-bear! I just know when to step the fuck up and take charge.”

  The room erupted in much needed laughter.

  “Okay, you two,” Ryder said. “Shut the hell up. Bullet, if you want to pay Libby a visit and attempt to convince her to come here for a while, that’s fine with us. The rest of you need to be ready to go at a moment’s notice in case things go south.”

  I nodded, my heart pounding, my head spinning. The thought of inserting myself into Libby’s life left me reeling. But I couldn’t just let her go on without knowing she might be in danger.

  We’d all thought we’d seen the last of Mona.

  Apparently, we were wrong.

  By the time the meeting was over and the plans were all set, I’d made up my mind. There was no way in hell I could ever sleep well again if I didn’t at least try to warn her.

  Whether or not she’d listen, was another story altogether.

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  LIBBY

  “I feel like a total bitch,” I said to Julia, as I pressed my foot on the pedal of my pottery wheel. The clay moved under my fingers, sliding against my skin like the smoothest satin. I pinched the top edge as it spun around, forming the lip of the vase I was making. I’d been working furiously all morning, trying to keep myself busy. Trying to push away the guilt of saying no to a complete distraught Grace.

  “Don’t,” Julia said, sitting cross-legged on the couch in my studio. “The last thing you need to do is give Mona a minute of your time.”

  “I know,” I said. “But it’s her baby!”

  “I know,” she
said. “But she’ll get her back.”

  I’d thought of nothing else since I hung up the phone on Grace. I’d even dialed her number twice, ready to change my mind, but each time, I’d hung up before it could ring. The thought of seeing Mona again made me nauseous. What did she want with me? Why couldn’t she just let me be?

  Clearly, she’d lost her mind if she’d resorted to stealing babies.

  What kind of woman was she?

  Once again, it made me sick to think I came from her. That she’d created me. Her blood ran through my veins.

  Was her blood that was evil? Would I inherit her insanity? Was it only a matter of time before my life exploded into chaos? The questions kept repeating themselves in my head.

  It was all too much to bear.

  And yet, I still felt like the worst person in the entire world for not helping Grace.

  “I don’t know if I did the right thing,” I muttered, my fingers ripping through the clay as I squeezed too hard. “Dammit!”

  I smashed the flawed lump of clay with my fist, tears stinging my eyes.

  “I just want to live my life,” I said. “I wish I’d never met her. She was my idol, Julia! What the hell!? I wanted to be like her! What does that say about me?”

  “You’re nothing like her,” she said. “And you never will be.”

  I shook my head, turning off the wheel. It sputtered to a stop slowly and I sighed, standing up and walking over to the fridge. My studio consisted of one tiny room in an artist’s collective in deep Southeast Portland, with just enough room for a kiln, my wheel, some shelving, a couch and a mini-fridge that I kept stocked with beers. I reached in and grabbed two of them, handing one to Julia before sitting on the couch next to her.

  “Say it again,” I said.

  “You’re not Mona. You’ll never be Mona.”

  I laid my head on her shoulder and sighed. “Thank you.”

  “Love you,” she said, kissing my forehead.

  “What if they don’t get their daughter back?” I wondered out loud.

  “Then it’s not your fault, it’s Mona’s fault.”