Otherwise Engaged

by Joanna Barker

  “But what of your feelings? Have they no bearing in your future?”

  “Please stop, Mama.” Why did she press me on this? Was it her prejudice against Edward or her preference for Nicholas? Either way, I could not let her words take root inside me. I could not let myself doubt the course I had chosen. If I allowed one thread of uncertainty to come loose from my tightly woven future, it would all unravel.

  Mama still watched me with pursed lips and fine lines around her eyes.

  “I am sorry,” I said. “But I do not wish to talk about this any longer.”

  She sat forward in her chair as if she intended to ignore me, but then voices sounded outside the door. William and Edward stepped inside the drawing room, and I stood immediately, my hands shaking. Mama’s words had brought my roiling guilt to the surface yet again. I’d kissed Nicholas, no matter that I regretted it. Though I was determined to put it behind me, my guilt seemed equally determined to be remembered.

  William gave me a searching look before taking the seat beside Mama, and Edward sat to my left, blocking the warmth of the fire.

  I was finished dancing around this business. “May I take it as a good sign that you both appear relatively unscathed?”

  Mama choked slightly, and Edward froze beside me, but William gave a bark of laughter.

  “I cannot comprehend how you managed to keep this a secret for so long,” he said, propping one ankle up on his knee. “Subtlety is not your strong suit.”

  “Nor yours,” I pointed out. “But you did not answer my question.”

  William raised an eyebrow. “Because you needn’t worry about the answer.”

  “I—”

  Edward coughed, and I stopped, though I wanted nothing more than to interrogate them both. But clearly this was something that would remain between the two, and I had to be content with that.

  “I was glad to learn your brother is an Oxford man,” Edward said, sitting forward as he forced the change in subject.

  “Indeed,” William said. “In fact, I wonder that we did not meet while at school. When did you attend?”

  They fell into a rather bland conversation about shared acquaintances and a certain professor of philosophy who was universally abhorred. It was not precisely the connection I’d hoped for between my future husband and my brother, but it was certainly an improvement on their interaction of two days ago. At least there was no shouting this time.

  When tea arrived a quarter hour later, Mama rose to serve and William went to help her, though that should have been my responsibility. Did he wish to escape more conversation with Edward? I pushed that thought away. I could not fall into this trap, analyzing every little thing.

  “I think it is going well,” I whispered to Edward beside me. “Notwithstanding your mysterious conversation.”

  He nodded, focused on my mother and William at the tea service. “As well as can be expected.”

  He said nothing more, and I hurried to find a new topic. “Have you heard from your mother yet?”

  “A letter came this morning,” he said. “She seems to have calmed, having realized she has no control over my fortune or future.” He hesitated. “But I do think it will take her some time to adjust to the idea of you.”

  “Surely, she cannot hate me forever.”

  He inclined his head. “No one can hate you, Rebecca, not once they come to know you. She will grow to love you; I have no doubt.”

  I did not particularly care that Mrs. Bainbridge disliked me; I’d known that for weeks. But hearing Edward’s opinion of me, that he thought me worth the fight, settled a few of the fears that had begun to nag in the back of my mind.

  “And you shall have plenty of opportunity to show her how wonderful you are, of course,” he went on.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Only that you’ll be in such close quarters that it would be difficult for her not to realize—”

  “Close quarters?” I cut him off. “Will your mother not be staying in Brighton?”

  “I thought she might, but in her letter, she professed a desire to come to Somerford once we are married.”

  “To live there?”

  He frowned. “Yes. Of course.”

  I did not speak. The Bainbridges owned two homes besides Somerford. Why should Mrs. Bainbridge feel any need to live with us?

  Edward turned to me, understanding filling his face. “I know it is not ideal, Rebecca, but this is her olive branch. She wants to make amends, I think.”

  “And she could not make amends from Brighton?”

  “She wishes to help you in running the household, show you how it is done,” he said. “You must allow her a chance.”

  So not only would she live with us, but she would also be usurping my role as mistress of the house. I’d been raised well by my mother. I knew how to run a household, even if it did not inspire any great passion in me. Now it would be an extra chore knowing Mrs. Bainbridge watched my every move.

  But what could I say that would not paint me as unforgiving? And it would not be forever. Perhaps in time, Mrs. Bainbridge and I could get along, once she moved past her prejudices against me. Would it not be worth some patience on my part, to help heal the wounds between our families?

  “All right,” I finally said. “I shall concede. But you can be sure I will use this as leverage the next time we have a disagreement.”

  He smiled. “I would never think otherwise.”

  Mama and William joined us again, and as I sipped my tea, I hoped the soothing warmth would calm my twisting stomach. This development was one small problem, especially compared to what we had faced even days ago.

  Still. If only I could talk to Nicholas. He could always reason with my worries, help me understand how to approach a problem. But talking with him was no longer an option.

  And I was just beginning to realize how deeply I’d come to rely on him.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Mr. Porter’s voice droned from where he stood at the pulpit, the morning light filtering through the stained-glass window behind him. One would think that sitting beside one’s intended would ease the dullness of Mr. Porter’s sermon. Unfortunately, not even Edward’s presence beside me made the vicar’s sermonizing any more interesting.

  In fact, Edward seemed even more bored than I was. He shifted his weight, crossing and uncrossing his arms, and his gaze strayed from Mr. Porter every few seconds. At least we would be equally matched in terms of tolerance for boring church services.

  It had been three days since that uncomfortable but not entirely disastrous dinner. Mama had invited Edward to stay at Havenfield, in the hopes that we might all grow to know one another better. It was utterly strange to have him there, at every meal and during all hours of the day, as if I were living in a half dream.

  The awkwardness between Edward and me was easing but not as swiftly as I’d hoped. Of course, every conversation we had was in Mama’s presence. Now we had an audience for every word—an audience who, despite her assurances to the contrary, was eager to find any flaw in Edward that she could. But Edward was all that was thoughtful and proper.

  Perhaps too proper. In our time together, he had not yet tried to kiss me. Should such a fact bother me? But we were still reacquainting ourselves, after all. One could not simply fall back into the same intimacy as before when so much had changed between us. That must be the reason.

  It was certainly not because of Nicholas’s kiss.

  This parade of thoughts was, of course, a meaningless distraction from the fact that I was fully aware of Nicholas sitting a few pews behind me. I’d spotted him and Olivia as we’d made our way up the aisle, and although Olivia had given me a little wave, Nicholas had kept his eyes focused forward. Had he not seen me, or was he purposely avoiding me? In any case, I did not allow my attention to waver during the entirety of the
service.

  When at last Mr. Porter concluded his sermon and the congregation filed out the open doors, I followed behind Mama and Edward.

  “Rebecca Rowley.” Sarah Mason came toward me through the crowd. “I have heard the strangest rumor about you, and I am determined—” She stopped, spotting Edward beside me.

  “It is true,” she declared. “You are engaged.”

  I could hardly have expected to keep such news quiet much longer. Edward had sat in our family’s pew for the whole town to see, after all. I also had no doubt Havenfield’s servants had been talking, spreading word throughout the town. Yet knowing that my name and Edward’s were now being bandied about Millbury—and all England, for all I knew—made my stomach squirm as if I’d just been asked to sing in front of the entire church congregation.

  “I am indeed,” I said, my voice a bit too bright. “Sarah, may I introduce Mr. Edward Bainbridge. Edward, this my friend Miss Sarah Mason.”

  “A pleasure, Miss Mason,” Edward said, offering a bow.

  She bobbed a curtsy. “Forgive my lack of manners, Mr. Bainbridge, but you cannot imagine my shock at learning the news.”

  One corner of his mouth turned upward. “I can imagine a very little.”

  “I assume you met in Brighton?” Sarah asked, turning to me. “But why such secrecy?”

  I bit my lip. I hardly wanted the enmity between our families to be common knowledge, but perhaps it was only a matter of time. “I simply wasn’t certain my mother would approve of the union,” I managed. “She is ever so protective of me.”

  Sarah raised an eyebrow, and for a moment, I thought she would voice her suspicions. But before she could, I felt a tugging on my shawl. I turned to see Olivia behind me, her sharp chin jutted upward. I nearly dropped my prayer book but gathered my senses and glanced about. Nicholas was nowhere to be seen.

  “Good morning, Miss Olivia,” I said, forcing a smile. “How are you today?”

  She ignored my question. “Are you angry with Nicholas?” she demanded.

  My throat was suddenly hot. “Angry? Why on earth would I be angry?”

  “He told me I should not come speak to you.” She frowned. “I asked him why, but he would not say, so I thought perhaps you were unhappy with him.”

  My mouth parted. “I—” I stopped. How could I respond to that? Edward and Sarah both watched with a bit too much interest. “No, of course I am not unhappy with him.”

  “Then why can I not speak with you?”

  Because your brother kissed me, and I deceived him, and our friendship broke beyond repair, and I cannot bear to see him, just as I am sure he does not wish to see me.

  I laid a hand on her shoulder. “I am certain you simply misunderstood. Of course you may speak with me whenever you like. We are friends, after all.”

  The tension in her face eased. “Good. I was worried, because now that Nicholas is le—”

  “Olivia.”

  Nicholas’s sharp voice came from behind me, and blast it all if it didn’t make my heart stumble like a foal first finding its feet.

  I turned. Nicholas stood a few feet away, his expression made all the more severe by the scar taut against his jaw. He avoided my eyes as he gestured for Olivia. “Come, it is time to go.”

  Olivia hesitated. She had been about to say something to me before Nicholas had interrupted. What was it?

  Before Olivia could speak, Sarah rose up onto her toes beside me. “Oh, Lieutenant Avery, do come join us. Have you heard the news that our dear Miss Rowley is to be married?”

  I stiffened, and Nicholas froze. For a moment, I thought he might ignore Sarah, drag Olivia away to their carriage, and leave. But then his eyes found mine. For a moment, I saw everything inside him. Broken, torn, shattering pain. My breath felt like ice inside me.

  His gaze shifted to Edward beside me. “I had heard.” His voice was gravelly, cool. “Allow me to offer you both my congratulations. I wish you the happiest of futures, Miss Rowley.”

  He took Olivia’s hand, and they left without another word, though she looked back at me in confusion.

  “How odd,” Sarah said. “He is generally very amiable, is he not, Rebecca?”

  I watched Nicholas’s retreating back, tense beneath his jacket. I had allowed a small part of myself to hope that we might remain friends, but now . . . now that hope withered like an apple left too long on the branch. I’d never imagined he would treat me so indifferently.

  But Sarah had spoken to me, and I needed to respond. “Perhaps the sermon did not sit well with him,” I said quietly.

  Edward gave a short laugh. “He would not be the only one.”

  Sarah claimed Edward’s attention with questions about Brighton and how we had met there. Fortunately, she seemed intent on learning all the details of our engagement from him, and I was not required to speak more than a few times. My pulse had not yet resumed its normal rhythm.

  Eventually, Sarah’s mother called her away, and Mama came to join us.

  “Are you ready, Rebecca?” she asked, straightening her hat.

  I nodded. Seeing Nicholas had unsettled me more than I would have imagined, and all I wanted was to hide away in my room for the remainder of the day.

  “I wondered if I might ask for the privilege of accompanying Rebecca home?” Edward asked. “Since the weather is holding today, I thought we could walk.”

  “Oh.” Mama glanced at me. “Of course, if Rebecca is not opposed.”

  A long walk with Edward sounded as appealing at the moment as sitting through another of Mr. Porter’s sermons. I did not think I had the energy to keep up a conversation for the half hour it would take to return to Havenfield. But I smiled as cheerfully as I could manage. “A walk would be lovely.”

  I took his arm as we bid Mama farewell and then started along the lane. We walked in silence for a minute or two as carriages rumbled past us and the chatter from the townspeople faded into the trees behind us. The day’s warmth surrounded us, the sun shining too cheerily amid the streaks of clouds.

  A touch of heaven. My father’s words whispered on the breeze, my memory of his voice distorted by the years since his death. What would he think of my marrying Edward? Would he have held his grudge, or would he have allowed the son of his former partner a fair chance?

  I could not stop my mind from asking the next question. What would he have thought of Nicholas?

  I tightened my hold on Edward’s arm.

  “Am I allowed to ask about the gentleman who just congratulated us?” Edward asked as if he’d guessed the direction of my thoughts. “Is he not the same man who was with you the day I arrived?”

  I immediately regretted accepting his invitation for a walk. I did not want to discuss Nicholas, especially not with him, but neither could I invite Edward’s suspicion by refusing to answer. “That is Lieutenant Avery,” I said. “He has let the estate that borders Havenfield.”

  “Is he a friend of yours?”

  Ha. A friend. I’d thought he was my friend. After all, I had made perfectly clear that was all I could offer, and he had gone and disregarded that notion completely. Now it seemed he was determined to ignore me, even after all we’d been through together.

  “Not anymore.” I shook my head. “Let us talk of something else, please. The lieutenant is of no concern to you or me.”

  He did not seem terribly convinced. “All right, then. I do have another subject I wished to discuss with you.” He paused. “I have been thinking we ought to decide upon a wedding date.”

  “Oh.” Obviously, we needed to discuss this, yet I hadn’t anticipated it. “Already? I daresay Mama is only just starting to warm to the idea of you.”

  “I understand,” he said. “I do. But I should like to be settled at Somerford before the weather sets in.”

  I fidgeted with the strings of my bonnet.
“Yes, of course you are right.”

  “The banns will need to be read, and we must allow Mother time to travel here, as I am certain she’ll wish to attend the wedding. Might we say the end of the month?”

  Three weeks. The end of the month was three weeks away. Such a short time was not unheard of, especially as we’d been engaged far longer than that.

  I stifled the bloom of panic that had begun to rise inside me. What had I expected? That we’d remain engaged for years on end? Of course Edward would want to marry soon. We’d waited long enough.

  “I shall broach the subject with Mama and William tonight,” I said with far more confidence than I felt.

  “Good.” He patted my hand, his touch warm and familiar. I was being silly. Every bride was nervous before her wedding, was she not? Edward and I would be happy together. I needed only to endure the next few weeks.

  Although endure was entirely the wrong word. I should be blissfully happy, not trapped by doubt and regrets. This was no way for us to start our lives together. No matter what had happened, we both deserved to enjoy our engagement, and I would do everything I could to reclaim what happiness we’d known before.

  “If the weather is still fine tomorrow,” I said lightly, “perhaps we ought to go for a ride? I would so enjoy showing you the estate.”

  “I should like that very much. Your mother has gone on about your skill on horseback, and I’ve yet to witness it firsthand.”

  “My mama doesn’t know half the skills I have,” I said with a wink.

  “Oh?” Edward smiled down at me, and for the first time since he’d arrived at Havenfield, it felt like a true smile. This was the smile he’d given me in Brighton, the one that had made me catch my breath. “What do you plan to dazzle me with?”

  His smile made me reckless. “Well.” I leaned toward him conspiratorially, though there was no one to overhear us on the deserted country road. “I have been teaching myself.”

  “Teaching yourself what?”

  “To ride bareback, like the trick riders at Astley’s. I am not nearly as skilled as they are, of course. You’ll not see any flips or—”