by Ryan Michele
Ensley: Not trying to, but it’s looking like it. I’m hoping it’s a phase.
Micah: As long as it’s just in your place. No one sees my little girl like that.
Taken aback by the power of what he said, I put the phone down in my lap and stared up at the ceiling. ‘His little girl.’ Wow. He probably had no idea how much those words hit me.
Remy had always been mine and only mine. Mine to take care of. Mine to cloth and bathe. Mine to comfort and soothe. Mine to love and cherish. Now, things were becoming different. This wouldn’t be like an Aunt Katie. This was a father connecting with his daughter. Coming to terms that she was someone else’s too felt different, but great at the same time.
Ensley: Just around the house. If she’d use the potty I wouldn’t mind. But cleaning up pee everywhere is not fun.
Micah: Yeah. I’m seriously laughing now. No that wouldn’t be good.
Ensley: Wait until it’s down your leg or you step in it. You won’t be laughing then.
Micah: Probably not.
Talking to him, even through texts was easy. And if I had to admit, I enjoyed it way too much. Even though we were typing there was a banter there I liked.
Ensley: Sorry to drop the bomb on you about Remy out of the blue. Know you deserve better, but I really had no idea what your last name was. And in all honesty I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with her.
I let out a heavy breath. That last statement was as real as it got. It took long moments before those little dots showed up that said he was typing. The anticipation made my stomach do cartwheels.
Micah: I’m glad that I know. I want to be her dad and I’ll help you in any way I can.
More truths…here we go.
Ensley: My first thought was that you were going to try and take her from me…
There was another pause and I bit my damn nail trying to calm my nerves and didn’t pull it back. Since pacing was out of the question, I needed to do something through all this tension.
Micah: Never. Do I want to see her, get to know her and be her dad, yes. But take her from you, no way in hell. That’s not the man I am.
Relief washed over me like a lead weight lifted from my shoulders. All that fuss before and fear was undeserved. Could I make a bigger mess of this?
Ensley: I appreciate that more than I can say.
Micah: No one will ever take that little girl away from you or me. That I guarantee.
He guaranteed it? That was a very bold statement and deep inside I knew it was true. His entire demeanor today was right on target with this statement.
Ensley: Thank you. I’m heading to bed. See you on Friday.
Micah: Sweet Dreams and call or text me any time.
Ensley: Right. Night.
I held the phone in my hands for the longest time staring at the old faded ceiling. Maybe this would be a new chapter in Remy and my life. Or at least it would in Remy’s, that was for sure. Mine, I needed to keep an even keeled grasp on my reality. He was here for Remy. Not me. It was best never to forget it.
Maybe putting post it notes all over would help. Who was I kidding? Did you see the man?
19
Micah
“Hello.” I called into my childhood home as I entered it the next day. As much as I wanted to continue texting Ensley she wanted off so be it. There would be more times ahead of us where we could get to know one another. And doing it in person rather than text was my preferred way.
I’d spoken to my father earlier this morning about the news of me being a father.
“Son?” My father asked as he answered the call, but I could hear the smile in his tone. Yes, he knew.
“Guess I’m a father.”
He chuckled full out. “Heard that. How ya feelin’ about bein’ a dad?”
Wasn’t that the million-dollar question.
“It’s a fuck of a shock. Not what I was expecting at all, but I’ll learn.”
“Boy you have a time comin’. Can’t fuckin’ wait.” His tone sombered a bit. “Know ya have a lot goin’ through that head of yours. Just know that your mom and I have your back on this.”
He had no idea what those words meant to me and how much I loved them. “Thanks. You tell mom yet?”
“Fuck no.” He said shocking the shit right out of me. I thought for sure as soon as he knew he’d run to mom and tell her everything.
Part of me was happy he didn’t. It was exciting news and seeing the look on my mom’s face would be priceless. Especially when I told her the whole story. She wouldn’t care and just want to spoil Remy as much as she could. She was that way.
“Why fuck no?” I asked.
“Because that’s your story to tell. She’ll be pissed as hell for me not tellin’ her, but this is her first grandchild and she needs to hear that from you. It’s worth her ire for a while. But she’ll burn out quick because she’ll be too excited.”
It was my turn to chuckle. “Yeah, she’ll be happy. I’m commin’ by in a bit to tell her. Good with you?”
“The sooner you get here the sooner I’m not keepin’ somethin’ from your mom.”
“Later.”
I felt relived after the phone and was excited to tell my mom and see her reaction to being a grandma.
“Micah!” My mother called from the kitchen coming out and heading right to me then wrapping her arms around me, holding me tight. “I was so excited when your father said you were coming for dinner.” She said pulling away and smiling up at me. The way she beamed her light on me made me appreciate every second of it.
“Couldn’t resist a home cooked meal ma. I miss those damn things.”
“Well I have one of your favorites. Roast, potatoes and carrots. Are you ready to eat?” She asked pulling away from me.
My father entered the room and I lifted my chin to him and returned the gesture. “Can we sit and talk for a minute?” I asked her and the smile started to fall from her face as she looked to my father then back to me assessing, judging.
And the verdict is…
“What’s wrong?” She asked immediately.
“Nothin’s wrong. Let’s just sit. I have some news for ya.”
My mother moved to the couch with a bit of hesitation in her step. While I hated she felt that way even for a moment, it would be over soon. I sat next to her and my father sat in his recliner.
“Do you know about this?” She asked my father who shrugged. Her eyes narrowed on him giving him that look. Yeah, he was going to get shit for this. That was for damn sure. Glad I’d be gone for that one.
“Spill.” My mom ordered me. Even pissed off she was beautiful. The glint in her eye told me that if I didn’t start talking soon, she’d smack me. Loved her and all, but I wasn’t a fan of getting smacked by my momma. And make no mistake, she only threatened what she’d actually do.
“A couple of years ago, I met a chick in a bar.”
My mother held her hand up in my face. “No. Just no. I don’t want to hear about you fucking someone, Micah. What’s wrong with you?”
I chuckled at her quick answer “Bear with me for a minute okay?”
She nodded but sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She had nothing to worry about. I didn’t want her knowing my sex life either. It was on a need to know basis.
“Right. So me and this chick had one night together.” My mom held up her hand to interrupt, but I kept going. At this rate she’d never find out and I’d be here for a damn week trying to get the words out. “A few nights ago at the clubhouse I saw her for brief moment. When we talked yesterday she had something very interesting to tell me.”
“What? She had herpes and wanted to make sure you got tested?” Mom clipped not hiding her frustration or impatience.
Another laugh escaped. Damn she was funny. “No. It turns out we have a baby together.”
My mother said nothing but her jaw dropped to the floor, eyes bugged out and she reached out and clutched my arm so tight her nails were digging into m
y skin. “What?” She breathed not knowing if she heard me right.
“You’re a grandma. Surprise.” I teased because frankly I didn’t know how else to really put it out there. It felt really good and pride filled me at this announcement. Almost like I was stepping out of the dark and into the light acknowledging I was a daddy.
“I’m... a … a... grandma?” She stumbled out and my father chuckled. Mom ignored him which was a good thing because there were magazines on the coffee table and I had no doubt she’d throw one at him.
“Yep to a two-year-old little girl.”
“Two years?” She almost screeched the number. “I missed two years? You missed two years?” She was starting to get upset on my behalf. Damn, I loved my mom.
“See that’s the thing. Yes, I missed out on two years, but apparently you haven’t.”
Confusion crinkled her face as I could tell the wheels in her head were spinning, but she wasn’t coming up with anything. Her next question confirmand it. “What are you talking about, Micah? You’re making no sense.”
“Stay with me, mom.”
“I’m with ya.” She responded.
Surprisingly my father except for his occasional laughter stayed quiet.
“The little girl that’s around the clubhouse sometimes. Remy. You know her right?”
My mother’s eyes went wide her hand coming to her chest as she inhaled so deep I thought the oxygen in the room was gone for a moment. “No. Little Remy?”
“Yeah. Little Remy. Her mother Ensley was the one I hooked up with and Remy is mine.”
My mom’s head shook as her eyes glassed over with unshed tears. “No. There’s no way. How would I not know my own grandkid?” She sounded like she was beating herself up for not knowing about the baby. But it wasn’t her cross to bear. She had nothing to be upset about.
“Ensley didn’t know this was my home. When she saw me she freaked out. We talked and she told me why. I get to meet Remy on Friday.”
Her eyes went molten, the fire starting to burn bright in them and I knew I didn’t have much time or she was going to blow. “She wasn’t going to tell you?”
My head shook but I reached out and pulled my mom’s hands to me when she started to get up from her seat holding her in place. I needed her to hear me. Needed her to understand that Ensley wasn’t the bad guy in this scenario. No one was.
“When she found out she was pregnant she had no way of getting in touch with me. She didn’t even know my last name ma. The only thing she knew about me was I was Micah and in the Marines. That’s all so she’s not the bad guy here. It’s all in the past now and we’re going to move on from it.”
“I’ve watched her Micah. She’s been in this house before. We played ponies on the dining table and she’s my grandbaby?” My mom’s hands started to shake and I held them tighter trying to comfort her. The fire went out of her features and sadness started to creep in. If I could wipe that away I would.
“I know. And now you’ll get to know her as your grandbaby. You good with that?”
A tear fell from her eye rolling down her cheek. Then more followed as a flood took her over. I scooted over and wrapped her in my arms. She lay on my shoulder, her body shaking from her pain. “It’ll be okay. Everything is going to be good. Ensley and I are gonna work together on this.”
“I can’t believe it.” Her body started shaking harder and I held on tighter. “This is like the best present anyone has ever given me.”
I pulled her away from me and kissed the top of her head, then started to wipe her tears. “Me too. Me too.”
It took a bit before she gathered herself. She blew out a huff of air then wiped her face.
“Mom, dad. We’re gonna tell Remy slowly. You can’t let her know that you’re her grandparents. Not yet.”
“What?” my mom barked surprising me from the crying jag she just got over.
“It won’t be too long, but Ensley asked me to go at her pace when introducing Remy to us. She’s cautious and I’m glad she is. It shows what a good mother she is to Remy.”
Mom’s bite went down a bit. “Fine. But don’t think for a second that when I see that little baby I’m not spending time with her. She’s mine now. I won’t tell her, but she’s mine.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
Then she focused on my father turning to him. It was like a switch flipped. If daggers could’ve came from her eyeballs, dad would be dead.
“You.” She pointed her finger at him. “Are in deep shit. You kept this from me. You!” She got up and started moving to him.
Dad put his hands up in surrender. “And aren’t you glad I did?”
“Expect poison in your food.”
To this my father chuckled and my mother left the room.
Needless to say, I didn’t eat at their house that night.
“You’re a motherfuckin’ dad?” Dryerson said from my couch after returning from my parents place. There wasn’t time to talk before I left. Just a brief, “I’m a daddy.” Was all I got out leaving Dryerson with his mouth a gape when I left. If I’d had time, I would’ve snapped a picture just to torture him with it later.
“Yep. Crazy isn’t it?” I took a hard pull on my beer as we sat in the living room watching the football game. The Ravens were playing the Bears and we were all over that.
When we were on duty and had a bit of downtime, we played football. Needless to say my first year there, the guys teased the fuck out of me because I didn’t know how to play. I taught them though, not to under estimate me.
Within a few months, they were begging to be my partner.
“You have got to tell me what in the fuck is going on here.”
He was my buddy and I’d give my life for his, so I started to spill everything. From the time I picked her up in the bar, which he slightly remembered, but only because he got turned down by Ensley’s friend. To the meeting at the clubhouse, our time by the lake and the fact I get to meet Remy on Friday.
There sure was a hell of a lot to this story and Dryerson may have gotten a bit more detail on the night with Ensley, but not much.
“Fuck brother. What are you gonna do now?”
In the middle of my story, he’d sat up on the couch, elbows to knees and just stared at me. He was invested in this too and showed it without reservation.
“Be a dad. Told Ensley I’d go at her pace with Remy, but I’ll be her father. I’ll support her, get to know her and be her rock.”
“What if she won’t let you see her?”
This hadn’t crossed my mind, but I hadn’t done anything to ignite this thought either. “I’ll cross that bridge if it comes. Right now, it’s not there.”
“You sure this is your kid? I mean it’s strange. You fuck her, knock her up and she ends up here.”
I didn’t include Ensley’s life before she came to Sumner. That was something we hadn’t discussed yet and I wanted to be on the same page with her. When we talked yesterday, she was pretty adamant in not letting people know of her past. I respected that.
“It is strange, but she’s not lying to me. She met me with eye contact and I could see her soul behind them. It’s the truth.”
“You’re not gonna get a paternity test?”
“Fuck no. She’s mine. End of discussion.”
“Damn brother. You’ve got your plate full. First with your folks, then the club, now a baby momma with a baby. Better make sure it doesn’t tip over.”
“I got this and I have to say having Remy as mine is the best thing that’s happened to me.” And it was. I hadn’t even met the kid yet, but I loved her. I would die for her. I would protect her and keep her safe. No matter the cost.
Too bad I didn’t know what that cost would come out to be. If I’d only known then…
20
Ensley
“You little stinker!” Austyn play yelled at Remy, chasing her through the kitchen and dining room of her house. They had been playing this game for the past twenty minutes, and
Austyn wasn’t a bit tired. Instead, she wiggled her fingers in front of her like a magician doing a trick and chased Remy faster. Austyn would make an amazing mom one day. She took to Remy instantly and had never once tired of anything my little one wanted, whether it was walking for hours while being held as an infant or being chased or tickled as a toddler; Austyn was all-in all the time for Remy.
I was happy for the reprieve because I was about to jump out of my skin. Nerves? No, try millions of fire ants crawling over every inch of my body and times it by ten.
Today was the day. The big day when Micah would meet Remy, and I was scared out of my ever-loving mind. Sleep did not come last night. Instead, I tossed and turned and turned and tossed. It wasn’t a fear of Micah or him trying to take Remy.
No, it was the thoughts of what I’d do if they didn’t connect. If Remy hated Micah or if Micah thought bad about Remy. How I would handle it? What would I do? How would Micah’s parents feel if they didn’t connect?
It may have been irrational, but I couldn’t help it. All night the thoughts wouldn’t stop, and I never fell off into dreamland. Every tick of the clock only struck another cord on my nerves. So when I woke up this morning, I was so damn tight I could bust at the seams at any given moment.
One hour was all I had to pull my shit together so my little girl didn’t get the ‘scared as hell’ vibes off of me. Kids were weird that way, always feeling what their parents or the people around them did. If they were having a bad day, the child would understand immediately. It was like a built-in radar.
Remy would pick up on it right away, and this was too big of an event for her to feel anything but safe. I wanted that for her desperately.
