“What?” Now she sat up and pulled the sheet over her breasts. “He can’t do that. Can he?”
“He can. My father is practically God at St. Michaels and UPCM. The same way he saved my ass, the same way he’ll fire me. It wouldn’t be because he wants to. It would be my fault. It’s like the boy who cried wolf in a way. All those times he saved me and did whatever he did to keep me going, I never did anything that really mattered. It was always shit.” It was shit I wouldn’t get into with her.
I was sure she could figure it out. Figure out that I was the devil. Me walking into work wasted on more than one occasion, me being found in bed with not one but two of the board members’ daughter by said board members. Me getting involved with one of the teachers from the college who claimed to be divorced but she wasn’t, me working my way through every female on site and around who was single and under the age of thirty. It was all shit.
“It was always shit, Paige. Now it counts and it’s the one time my career’s on the line.”
“Ryan, he wouldn’t get rid of you just like that. You work so hard, everyone’s doing so well. And look how you helped me.”
“It won’t matter. I know it won’t. He’s way more serious than he’s ever been. My brother warned me too. My dad isn’t messing around, and he’ll do it.”
“Then we can’t see each other, we—”
I stopped her with a kiss. A kiss that lingered between us and beckoned for more.
“No, that’s not an option Paige.”
“What are we going to do? How will we do this? I won’t put your career on the line. Ryan you’re a year away from completing your residency. You’re at the end stage that most people never get to.” She winced.
“I can’t let you go and I can’t watch you go to some other mentor group. I can’t do it.”
She blinked then focused on me like she was contemplating something. “I can’t do it either.”
“My father may have his reasons. God knows I gave him enough ammunition to throw at me, but he doesn’t have the right to have such control over my life. Not with this and not with you.” I’d be an idiot to let her go because I was worried about work. I’d be an idiot to stop this thing we had and not see where it took us.
“What if he didn’t know? What if we just see each other like this and no one would know?”
I furrowed my brows. “Secret?”
“Yes. We could keep it secret. We could see each other in secret.”
I didn’t need a second to think about it to know I didn’t like it. “I don’t want to keep you a secret Paige.”
“I don’t like it either but maybe it’s an idea if we want to keep seeing each other. Ryan you can’t lose your job over me.”
“Please don’t say it like that.”
“It is what it is, and maybe we can figure something out if you can stand me long enough to see it through to the end of the training year. Then you won’t be on supervision.”
“Stand you? I told you I knew you’d be trouble Paige. I couldn’t get you out of my head either.”
She gave me a sweet smile that lit up her eyes. “So we do this?”
I pressed my forehead to hers. “I don’t want to keep you secret.”
“I don’t want to keep you secret either, but maybe…it could be fun. For us. We could make that part fun. Like how I know we’ll be late for work this morning because I want to shower with you.” She smiled.
I pulled back enough to gaze into her eyes. “I like that. I’ll know you’ll be late because I’m going to have you up against the shower wall again and in the jacuzzi. You can ride me.”
“I want to ride you,” she cooed
That was it. She had me hooked.
“Jacuzzi first.”
She giggled when I reached for her and hoisted her over my shoulder caveman style, running my fingers over her naked ass.
Secrets…I didn’t like it. But it seemed to be the only way right now.
I’d think of something though. I’d have to because this girl had me hooked on her.
She had me I didn’t want her to let me go.
Chapter 17
Paige
I gazed out my window and watched Ryan drive away. We’d had one of our long weekends together. This time we went to Palm Springs. We’d left from Friday afternoon, spent the whole weekend there, and traveled back early this morning. We practically went from the airport to work, had a long day at work, and he’d just brought me back home.
The last time we had a dose of craziness it took us and we went to Italy. It was over the Easter break so we managed to pull it off. I still didn’t know how we did it. It was just as clever as how we managed to spend Christmas together in Aspen.
We’d been together for ten months and there wasn’t a month that passed by that didn’t see us doing something like that together where we could just be a couple. A couple going on all kinds of wild adventures together.
Ten months of happiness, but also this secret that gnawed away at our insides.
Always gnawing. Always there. Always a reminder that he was mine when he was with me and we were alone, but not when we were outside that box.
Outside the box and out in the world at large Ryan was my mentor. He was the mentor who’d done extremely well with his group who’d blossomed. That included me. He really was great at his job, but great with me too.
Aside from Kelly I’d only told my parents I was seeing someone. I never said who he was though.
With regards to Kelly, I ended up having to tell her the whole story. The all-inclusive package of Ryan’s father’s crazy ultimatum. The essence to our secret relationship. There was no way that I could have hid that part from her because it would have killed me to keep such a thing out of the loop. I knew myself and knew I’d have to tell the one person I’d told everything all my life.
I thought on his side he’d told Ben. I didn’t think he told his brother but I thought he knew from the way I’d seen him look at me. It was never a good look, nor quite a bad one. It was always just one of knowing. Like he thought I was some kind of bad seed or temptation.
Kelly came into the living room and I moved away from the window. She had a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in her hand. That was usually a sign of comfort and pampering if accompanied by her pink fluffy dressing gown. When not though it was a sign of her being pissed at someone.
She gave me a kind smile when she saw me.
“Okay, what happened?” I asked and placed my hands on my hips. Better to cut to the chase.
“Nothing.” She answered that a little too quickly.
“I’m not sure who you think you’re talking to but you can’t fool me. Something’s up with you.”
She pursed her lips together and pulled in a sigh. “You just got back, I should be asking you what happened with you.”
“But we can do that in a little while.”
She sighed and motioned to the sofa. She sat first and I sat beside her.
“Paige, I’m so conflicted right now. I don’t know what to do with myself.”
This sounded serious. “What happened?”
“Short answer is Devon. He happened. I got a message from him yesterday morning.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Paige if it’s one thing I’ll never do while you’re with Ryan is bother you. I’m not going to bother you when you’re with your guy.”
“Kelly, if you need me you call me. It doesn’t matter who I’m with.”
“Thank you.” When a tear ran down her cheek I knew whatever the something was that happened with Devon must have hurt her.
“God, Kelly what happened? You can’t keep me in suspense.”
“He’s getting married. He went to wherever it was he went, met some woman who’s not me, and now they’re getting married.”
My heart broke for her when she wiped away more tears.
I kind of thought she was over him. She never spoke abo
ut him and when she did it wasn’t for very long so I just assumed she was over him. Clearly she wasn’t if hearing he was getting married made her react like this.
“Kelly talk to me, you seemed to be less upset by your breakup. People move on. I thought you did.”
She shook her head. “I haven’t. I didn’t and it’s completely shit. He left me and met someone else he thought was better than me. He called a couple of times then messaged when I didn’t answer the phone. He wanted to invite me to the wedding and he sent my invite to my parents place. I didn’t realize how much I still loved him until I read that. There’s been so many guys in my life since him and no one has been able to fill that space in my heart he left wide open and gaping. Still calling for him. What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Kelly, you can’t hang on to the past. If this is it then this is it. You can’t hang on to something that doesn’t have any potential.” God, it was funny…as I said that I couldn’t help but think of my own situation. It wasn’t the same thing, but what potential did I have with Ryan if we were seeing each other in secret?
“I know. I know…it’s just hard. He left because he didn’t want me and now there’s this wedding he wants me to go to. How am I supposed to watch him marry someone else? I can’t do it.”
I understood that completely. “Look, just breathe and calm down. Calm down. If you were me, you’d tell me I’d put my life in this cycle where I was trying to meet a replacement for Devon but never giving someone who could be better a chance. It’s true, I’m pretty certain you’d say that.”
“It does sound like something I’d say.” She tried to smile.
“It’s something you would say and it’s wise. Kelly, you’re perfectly entitled to decline the invite. I think it’s understandable that you would. I would decline if I felt the way you do and I wouldn’t care if it looked bad or what anyone thought of me.”
That was one thing I learned after Lizzie’s death. People were always trying to be there for me. I was grateful for it but sometimes a person needed time and space to be alone and grieve and grow, and get stronger. That couldn’t be done with people always around me. I had to say no to many things. Sometimes I felt bad for it, other times it felt like the right thing to do.
To me this felt like the kind of thing Kelly should say no to.
“Paige, we were together for so long that it feels like I should be at something as important as his wedding. I hate him for the way that he broke me, but do you think it’s harsh if I declined?”
“No. I absolutely don’t think that. Sometimes you have to think of you. And therein is the end of reasoning. And if he wants the truth offer it up.”
“I can’t tell him I still love him. That’s way lame.”
“No, I don’t think it’s lame. I think it’s reason enough and he should accept it.”
I was happy when she nodded. She drew in a breath and nodded. “I feel like crap. The news felt like a bomb dropped on me, but I’ll deal. Thank you for the advice.”
“No problem.” I leaned in and brushed my shoulder against hers.
“So…let’s rewind to the part where you came in looking like you were walking on cloud ten.” She wiped away another tear and smiled. “How was your weekend with Ryan?”
My heart expanded just from the mention of his name. “It was perfect Kelly. It was perfect and he was perfect. It’s just…getting harder, everything seems harder. It feels like it’s going to get to a point where something has to give.”
The worry on her face told me she agreed. I’d seen that look a few times and knew she was concerned but wouldn’t say anything at the risk of hurting me.
“I hope it works out, I do.”
I chuckled. “Why do I think there’s more to that than you’re saying?”
“Look, you’re my best friend and I can’t stand to see you unhappy. Naturally I want the best guy for you. In all the time that I’ve known you, the best I’ve ever seen you with is Ryan. I’ve never seen you so happy. He looks happy too. But I don’t like the whole secrecy thing. It spoils it in my head. I get it. But it spoils it and I don’t want to agree with you and alarm you by saying I think you’re right, but something has to give. Something will work out based on how you feel about each other. I just think if you’ve been together for this long you guys should do something more than be a secret. It’s not fair on either of you, more so you.”
“Me?” I asked foolishly because I already knew the answer.
She smirked. “Yes, you don’t have to be in a relationship where you’re a secret. Maybe he does, but you don’t. I worry about that and I wouldn’t be a good friend, or any kind of friend, if I didn’t point that out to you.”
“I know, and you’re right. I just don’t know what to do. Part of me wants him to stand up to his father and tell him what he wants, but it’s not my call, and like an idiot, I’m so crazy for him that I’m going along with the motions knowing it’s going to blow up in my face.”
She put an arm around me. “Oh Paige don’t say that. It’s not idiotic. No more than me crying over a guy who dumped me two years ago because he’s getting married. I guess…we can’t help how we feel. In your case I can see how much Ryan wants to be with you.”
“Really?” I thought I could see that too. Sometimes there was that nagging voice that questioned it. Questioned me and what I was doing.
“Yes, I do think so. I think you guys just need to figure things out if this relationship you have is going somewhere.”
She was completely right. We did need to figure things out. I wasn’t sure just how much longer we could go on the way we were. Or me.
Seeing each other had been my idea, and I would have done it again in a heartbeat, making the same mistakes I did the first time because I was more than crazy about Ryan. I never expected to feel this way, but somewhere in the back of my mind I knew would.
This year had been so good.
I’d started my research and that was doing amazing. I’d completely overcome my anxiety and was back to myself when it came to work, and I was a month away from completing my first year of residency. One month.
When I looked back to just after my accident, I was a mess and I didn’t think this could be me now. I might have been a year behind my schedule in life but I was exactly where I wanted to be.
Did I need the uncertainty of my relationship with Ryan messing with all of that? All that I’d accomplished?
It was a question reality threw at me and my brain processed it as logic.
But not my heart. My heart that yearned to always be with him.
My heart would do anything to be with him, even if it meant continuing as we were.
My heart or my brain.
Which was right?
Chapter 18
Ryan
Ben sat on the sofa and looked at me.
I’d never seen my friend look so nervous. I didn’t even know he was capable of the emotion because he was always so headstrong and confident.
He said he had news he wanted to tell me in person, definitely not over the phone.
That was what he said in those exact words too. He said it was going to be a different kind of pizza night. That was this morning, now he was here ready to share.
“You look like the time you crashed your dad’s car in the jewelry store.” We were sixteen and he’d just gotten his license.
“No, I saw my face in the mirror and I think I look more nervous than that.” Ben blew out a breath.
“Okay, what gives? I’ve waited all day for this news you had to tell me in person.” I chuckled.
“Amanda…she’s pregnant…and I’m going to be a father.”
My mouth dropped and if this were one of those classic cartoons it would have hit the floor and my eyes would have popped out of my head.
“Holy shit! Really?” I gasped. I didn’t know why the hell I was so surprised. They’d been together for close to three years
and the next logical steps for them was to move in together, get married, and have a baby.
I was kind of thinking the baby would come last and we’d be planning a house warming party, but a baby was great news,however, Ben looked nervous.
“Ben…you okay? You are happy, right?”
“Of course I am! I’m so happy I feel sick about it.”
I had to laugh at that. “Why do you feel sick?”
“Well, it’s a baby. A whole new person who’s going to need me for the rest of my life. I can’t be an idiot anymore because I’m going to be someone’s dad. Me.” He nodded.
I could see what he meant. “You’re going to be fine. God knows I’ve been more of a child to you than a friend so you have practice. Plenty.” I laughed.
He gave me a grin. “I’m not going to disagree with that Ryan. It’s kind of true. But…there’s more.”
I straightened up. What more could there be? “What? What else happened?”
“I’ve been planning to ask Amanda to live with me, but I wanted to buy a house. Last month I saw this amazing place and I went for the viewing. The minute I got there it felt like a home and not the kind of place I wanted to have her there as just my girlfriend.”
I blinked several times as I realized what he was saying. “What did you want her to be there as?”
“My wife. I know you always rip into me about her and her belief in magic, but I love that about her. I love that she chooses to believe what she wants and stick two fingers up at everyone else. I love that she’s her, and there’s no one else like her. I want her to be mine forever.”
As he spoke his words touched my heart.
It touched me in a way that made me take note because that was how I felt about Paige.
As if I hadn’t been thinking about her enough as it was. I thought about her all the time. When I was with her and when I was without her. Always in my head was the question of what I was going to do about us.
Ben would never have allowed the situation I’d found myself in to get this far. Ten months together and I still hadn’t come up with the answer of what to do.
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