by A M Burns
Finn had to agree with him. But it was also heartbreaking. He turned away from the posters and came over to lie next to Ivan. He pulled one of Ivan’s fluffy pillows under his chest then looked over at him. “I saw her human form last night. She’s tall and willowy, long blond hair. Beautiful.”
“That’s her.” Ivan nodded. “And of all the werewolves here, she’s the one farthest from human. Other than Adrian, she doesn’t like connecting with people.”
Letting out a long sigh, Finn closed his eyes. “I’m worried.”
Ivan lay over him, wrapping his arms around Finn’s sides. He weighed a lot but managed not to crush Finn. Instead it was like Ivan was hugging him all over and suffocating him with his warmth, but Finn didn’t want to fight it. He wanted to lie like that for as long as he could and never move from such a comfortable spot.
“I am too,” Ivan muttered as he rested his cheek against Finn’s shoulder. “Is it wrong to care about two people so much? To want to have them both in my life?”
Finn went quiet as he gave some serious thought to Ivan’s question. He knew most people would say it was, and he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t think so himself, that maybe it was a little weird for someone else if he happened to see some guy with two wives on the street sometime. But this wasn’t three random people Ivan was asking about. This was the three of them and, as Finn thought about it, he couldn’t see any reason for it not to be the most right thing he could imagine.
“It’s not wrong,” he finally said, his voice quiet as his heart raced. “It’s special… and different. But I care about both of you, and I can’t imagine not feeling like that. I know things will be different with him, but I like hugging him, and sometimes I think about kissing him the way you kissed me.” He was glad his face was buried in the pillow so Ivan couldn’t see how much he was blushing.
“I think about that too,” Ivan softly admitted. “I’d like to kiss him. And hugging him feels so natural. But then there are the things I think about with you that, even though I want to do them with him sometimes, I know I couldn’t. I wouldn’t ask him to do anything he’s not comfortable with. But I want to try stuff with you.”
Finn’s breath caught in his throat. “Have you ever…?” He licked his suddenly dry lips as he turned to look over his shoulder at Ivan. He couldn’t see much more than Ivan’s hair, though, because of how he was lying. “Are you a virgin?”
Ivan rubbed his face on the back of Finn’s shirt. “Yes. Aren’t you?”
Finn frowned. The way he’d asked, like it would be weird for him not to be, had him hesitating with his answer. But he knew Ivan deserved the truth too. “With girls, no. With guys, though… yeah.” He sighed. “Get up. I want to turn over.”
Ivan slid off him, and then they lay on their sides, facing each other. “You’ve been with girls?”
Nodding, Finn tried to figure out how much he wanted to tell Ivan. He wanted to be truthful but didn’t want to ruin the mood. The past day had been an emotional rollercoaster, so he had no urge to make Ivan’s day worse. “It was back in Austin. I had a few girlfriends. It wasn’t as if they meant nothing to me, but it’s not like how you and Adrian matter so much to me. Like we’d go on dates and stuff. I took one of them to a school dance. However, if she didn’t text me for a few hours, I didn’t wonder what she was doing or who she was with. I figured she was busy. She normally was. Turns out she was with another guy. Honestly I didn’t care. I didn’t love her. The first girl I was ever with, she was a lot clingier than my first girlfriend. I ended up hurting her, which sucked, but she said she loved me, and I didn’t feel that way for her, so I thought it was best to end it. There were some other girls too. I don’t know why I was even dating them, let alone being with them for the most part. They were nice, but I didn’t feel good when I was with them. Not like I do with you and Adrian. I think that’s the part that was missing for me. I was just doing what my family and friends thought I should do. It was the normal thing. Now I realize that I’m not straight.”
Ivan stared at Finn, and although Finn tried to figure out what Ivan was thinking, for once his emotions weren’t easily readable. “I’ve never been serious about anyone except for you and Adrian.” He moved between them, closing the gap, so Finn got closer to him as well. Their kiss was gentle and soft with the sweet taste of whatever Ivan had eaten for breakfast on his lips.
Ivan nudged him a little with his hands on his sides, like he wanted Finn to roll over onto his back, but Finn wanted to lead this kiss. Ivan had done the last one, so it was his turn now. Finn was a bit more insistent than Ivan had been as he pushed him onto his back and sat down over Ivan’s hips. His heart raced, and when he put his fingers against Ivan’s throat, he could feel his pulse was just as fast.
Finn pulled back, putting a few inches between them. “Is this too much?”
Ivan shook his head, but there was something wrong—Finn could see it in his eyes.
“What is it?”
Laughing, Ivan shook his head again. “When it comes to the wolves, I’m so sure of myself. I know them, and I know what to do around them. But I thought you were as new at this as I was. And now I know you’re not, and I don’t want to look like an idiot.”
That had Finn laughing too as he laid his forehead against Ivan’s. “I’m pretty sure being with a guy is a lot different than it was with a girl. I mean, different parts and everything aside, you’re different from anyone I’ve ever met. And I’m just as nervous as you are.”
Ivan looked surprised. “You are?”
Finn nodded. “Yeah. And you and Adrian—you’re both special to me. I don’t want to lose this.” He sat up a little and rested his hands on Ivan’s broad chest to help him balance. “And sometimes I’m scared. Like I’m worried Adrian won’t ever be okay, and you’ll realize I can’t keep up with you because I still struggle sometimes if I try to run in this altitude. I really don’t think I could keep up when you shift to wolf form and take off running.”
Ivan ran his hands up Finn’s arms. “You don’t have to be so worried about us. We’re a pack, remember? That’s pretty important. We’re not going to give up on you. And Adrian feels the same way I do. He’s shy, which you obviously know, but he talks about you all the time. You want us, I want you both, and Adrian feels the same way about us. We’re unconventional, but I think we’re going to be great. And I’m not going to turn into a wolf and run off from you.”
Knowing this made Finn light-headed. He wanted them, and they wanted him too. He brought his hands from Ivan’s chest down to his sides. “Would it be too much if I gave you something?” He pinched his mouth closed. He’d never actually asked to do anything to someone else before. It had sort of just happened. “A sex thing?”
Ivan didn’t say anything, just gave him a little nod as Finn got off his lap to kneel next to him on the bed.
“I think we could both use the distraction right now,” Finn tried to explain. Talking helped him feel less nervous and seemed more natural. “We’re both so worried about Adrian and how he’s doing, but we can’t just go over there and demand he talk to us, right? So I thought maybe we could do something else. But do you think Adrian would be okay with us doing something without him being here?”
“I don’t really know. I think, though, that he’d be happy for us. He’s really not interested in sex stuff. I think he’d want to be close to us… but maybe not for this. We’ll have to see.”
Finn could understand that. This was new territory for all three of them after all. “I’m going to take your shirt off now.”
“Okay.” Ivan’s voice shook, belying his answer.
Finn frowned and stopped pushing up Ivan’s shirt. “What’s wrong?”
Ivan reached up and ran his hands through his hair. “I want to be ready for anything with you. But you seem so confident right now, while I’m lying here freaking out. Like seriously, I’m losing my shit here. I don’t have any of the stuff we need. I didn’t think this would be happening
today. I don’t know if I’m ready to have sex with you and—”
Finn stared at him and tried to close his mouth. “I wasn’t going to do you.”
Ivan stopped looking quite so worried. “You weren’t?” An odd, confused expression crossed his handsome features.
Shaking his head, Finn smiled at him. “Nope. Okay, this is going to sound weird, but I was thinking about it when you were saying how the three of us are together. When we have sex, I want Adrian to know first. It’s a big thing, so I want him to have the choice of how much he wants to be there or not. I don’t want to have sex with you behind his back like we’re some kind of secret that he doesn’t get to be involved with because he’s asexual. I know he won’t want to have sex with either of us, but maybe he’ll want to kiss us or hug us. Maybe he’ll wish us luck or something stupid like that. But I want him to know. And I want to lie on your bed with him too.”
Ivan reached up to him and brought Finn down for a deep kiss. “I think he’d like that. And I love that you don’t want to exclude him from us just because he’s asexual.”
“I don’t want him to feel like he’s being forced to be involved either, though.”
Ivan was quick to shake his head. “No way. Everything will always be his choice. But if you weren’t thinking sex, what was your plan for distracting each other?”
That was easier for Finn to show him than it was for him to say. “Um… I think you’ll get it.” Finn leaned over him and kissed Ivan’s muscular stomach, then pushed Ivan’s shirt up a little more and kissed him near his tanned belly button next. The sensation of running his hands across the hard planes of Ivan’s torso was unlike anything he’d ever experienced before. There was nothing soft about Ivan—he was all rugged muscle. The musky scent of sweat rolled off him. It was intoxicating in a new and thrilling way. The heat and urgency that rushed through him gave him the confidence to go on.
Finn lifted his head and met Ivan’s gaze, waiting to see if he was going to stop him. But, despite the nervousness that tightened Ivan’s expression, he just nodded to Finn. He nodded back to Ivan and then slowly unzipped Ivan’s pants.
13
A little after four, Ivan dropped Finn back off at his house. Normally Finn would have just jumped out of the truck, but today he turned back to Ivan and kissed his cheek. “See you later.”
Ivan nodded and tightened his hands on the steering wheel. “Hey, Finn?”
“Yeah?”
Ivan bit his lip, then shook his head. “It’s nothing. Never mind.”
“Okay.” Only it clearly wasn’t. If Ivan didn’t want to talk about whatever was bothering him, Finn didn’t want to push. But he already had one of his best friends refusing to talk to him, and he couldn’t handle both of them giving him the silent treatment. He sighed and looked over at Ivan. “Tell me what’s wrong? Please?”
Ivan gave him a soft smile and took his hand. “Nothing’s wrong. I was going to thank you for what you did to me today.”
He’d already thanked him, but Finn wasn’t going to reject him. Instead he turned in his seat and this time gave Ivan a real kiss, one that made him wish there was enough room for him to climb onto Ivan’s lap and rest against him without the steering wheel in the way. Maybe if he were as small as Adrian, he could have managed it. But he wasn’t, so he had to stay on his own side of the truck.
He wiped his mouth off when their kiss was over, wishing he didn’t have to go back inside. Especially since he could see a motorcycle he assumed belonged to Channing in his driveway. “Life would be so much easier if the three of us could just live in the center forever.”
“Still have to deal with people there, though,” Ivan reminded him, killing Finn’s perfect little fantasy of the three of them becoming hermits and swearing off all other people.
“You’ll tell me if Adrian contacts you? I want to know that he’s okay. I’ll keep trying him too.” One of them had to be able to get a response from Adrian. The last time either of them had heard from him had been close to noon when he’d said he was going to lie down for a while.
Ivan nodded. “Of course I will. Go on in with your family. Maybe they’ll have killed Channing and forgot that his bike was still outside. No vision, but maybe.”
“I guess I can hope for that,” Finn said with a laugh as he got out of the truck. He waved to Ivan from the front porch of his house, then went inside once Ivan drove away. He heard his sister laughing, followed by someone whose laughter he didn’t know but assumed belonged to Channing, and his hopes of having murderers in his family were quickly dashed.
“Hey. How’s Ivan?” his mom asked as he came into the dining room.
Shrugging, Finn shifted his backpack and made like he was going to take it upstairs. “He’s fine. We watched movies all day.”
She nodded and put a frozen pizza into the oven, followed by a second one. “Maybe the three of you would like to stay here sometime.”
Finn knew she was just being nice, and maybe even trying to help too, but he knew how badly that would go. “Mom, I know you want us all to get along, but Channing and Esteban aren’t people I want near my best friends. I spend enough time protecting them at school and now at the center. I don’t want to have to do it at home too. I know you all think Channing is a great guy or whatever else, but he’s not, and I’m not going to make my friends be near him when we know how he is. You can all be brainwashed all you want, but I’m not falling for it.”
His mom looked genuinely confused, and maybe even a little hurt. “Finn… maybe if you gave him a chance or spent some time with him and Shelby? He’s been nothing but nice to us while he’s been here. In fact, it’s you who has been pretty rude these past few days. Now, I want you to march into the living room where your sister, your father, and Channing are watching some TV, and I want you to be nice to him.”
Finn pursed his lips. “I’ll do the dishes instead.” His mom sighed loudly. “I’ll take out the trash too. And clean my room.”
“You’re supposed to be doing that anyway. Go to the living room. Now, young man. I won’t hear of it anymore.” Glaring, she pointed out of the kitchen.
Finn grumbled under his breath as he went into the living room and sat down on the couch next to his dad.
“How was your day with Ivan?” his dad asked him.
Finn tried not to notice Shelby practically sitting on Channing’s lap or how happy she looked when her boyfriend smiled at her. He had to be a good actor—that was itt. “Good.” They were watching some show where people had to get around an obstacle course or else fall in the mud. At any other time, Finn would have liked it, but since Channing was in his house, he just wanted to go back to Ivan’s.
Finn pulled out his phone and texted Adrian. Again. And he hoped this time Adrian would say something back to him. Hey. Missed you today. Hugs.
Then he sent a text to Ivan, even though he’d just said bye to him. Know any good poisons? I’ve got a jerk to get rid of.
Ivan didn’t text him back, but Finn figured he was probably still driving back to the center.
“Finn, can we talk?” Channing asked.
He didn’t even have to look up from his phone to answer. “Nope.”
“Be nice,” his dad warned.
Finn looked up at him, then at Channing, glaring at the bully. “We can talk when you and your brother stop treating one of my best friends like crap. If you just ignored him, that would be one thing. I’ve dealt with bullies who do that, and it sucks, but it’s not like what you two do. You’re cruel. And you enjoy it. So no, I’m not going to talk to you. Not until you change who you are and fix everything you and Esteban have ever done to Adrian. You think it’s fun seeing how afraid of you he is?” Finn got off the couch, no longer able to sit in the same room as Channing without going nuts. “Screw you, Channing.”
“Finn Ryan!” his dad scolded
Normally Finn would have listened to that tone and done whatever his dad wanted him to do, but he’d had enough
of Channing and Esteban to last him a lifetime. He was done.
“I know, go upstairs.” It was their usual punishment for either him or Shelby. They would go to their rooms for a few hours and cool off. Only, he didn’t plan to come out again until he had to get ready for school the next morning. He went up without another word to any of them and barely managed not to slam his bedroom door behind himself before he flopped down on his bed.
Finn wasn’t used to having his parents not believe him and back him. Anytime in the past when there was a problem, his mother and father were right there at his side, championing his cause. Having them behind Shelby more than him was a new thing, and with Adrian hurting so badly, he wanted them with him and not against him.
A soft knock came from the door.
He stared at it, trying to figure a way out of talking without getting into any more trouble.
The door eased open, and his mother peered in. “Finn?”
“Mom.” He wasn’t sure what else to say.
She walked in and came to sit on his bedside while he settled in his desk chair. “So do you want to tell me what’s actually going on here?” Her voice was low and calm.
He blinked at her, trying to comprehend. “You mean beyond Shelby dating one of the biggest monsters in school just because she’s decided she wants to be popular?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I mean.” She played with the comforter on the bed.
“Does there need to be more going on?” Finn didn’t understand why she wanted to question him. It wasn’t his fault Shelby had lost her mind.
A long, slow sigh escaped her. “I think there is. I understand that Channing has probably not been the best person in the world, and to tell the truth, I can’t stand his brother or his mother. You missed her getting drunk and pulling down her skirt to show off her new thong and tramp stamp last night at the potluck. But Channing seems to be a really nice young man and genuinely appears to care for Shelby.”
