by Jewel, Bella
Swallowing hard, I run my sweaty palms over my hips, smoothing the fabric that isn’t wrinkled. “It fits,” I whisper.
“It most certainly does,” he says, stepping forward into my personal space.
My breath hitches as he captures my face in his large palms. “You are breathtaking, Emerson.”
I am rendered mute, unable to tear my eyes from his as he runs his thumbs across my cheekbones. I want to step closer and eradicate the small distance keeping our bodies apart, but I don’t. I just stand there, enjoying his touch, revelling in his closeness and being tortured by my secret. This man wants me, and something tells me he isn’t into one-night stands or no-strings-attached flings. He strikes me as the long-term relationship kind of guy who isn’t afraid of commitment. In different circumstances, perhaps I could be his happily-ever-after, but the fact is I am forever spoken for by another man. I don’t know what game I’m playing at here, but I know I rolled the dice when I delivered those cupcakes to the gallery, and I’ve made increasingly strategic moves ever since.
“Thank you,” I say eventually, but I sound croaky, and he must know how his touch, his gaze, and his words affect me.
Taking a step back, he lets his hands drop from my face. “Let’s go.”
I’m a little disappointed that the moment is over, but relief is the dominating emotion.
We drive in the opposite direction to the way we’d travelled to the markets earlier today, but it takes us a similar amount of time to reach the pub. I’m really looking forward to seeing Todd again. Clare gave me a strange vibe, so I’m interested to see if it was because she was stressed or because she is protective of Josh. When we get there, I’ll put her mind at ease that we’re just friends.
Harrigan’s is an authentic Irish pub located in a small township. It’s welcoming and warm, just like the company I’m keeping. Casting my gaze around the busy room, I see around ten tables and a few booths along the back wall, all full. Todd and Clare sit opposite each other in one of the booths, and Todd waves enthusiastically when he sees us.
Josh acknowledges them with a wave, then turns to me. “What would you like to drink?”
“The red you gave me last night would be great if they have it. Or something similar. Thank you.”
We walk to the bar, and he orders a red for me and a beer for himself, then carries them towards the booth where his friends are waiting. We have to jostle between the many patrons out for a good time at this very popular establishment.
“Damn, girlfriend,” Todd says, standing up and hugging me. “I knew you were gorgeous, but you look radiant in that dress.”
My cheeks blaze. “Thank you.”
“Hi again,” Clare says, remaining seated but shifting along, no doubt hoping Josh will sit beside her.
“Hi, Clare,” I say, sitting down next to her. “Good to see you again.”
Josh confirms they’re both okay for drinks before sliding in next to Todd. “So how did the rest of the day go at the markets, Clare?”
“I sold out,” she replies, with a wide grin on her face. “Plus, I got several additional orders and requests for my business card.”
“That’s fantastic,” Josh says, beaming. “Next stop: world domination.”
Clare smiles. “You know I’d be nowhere without you.”
“Who am I?” Todd asks, leaning forward and feigning hurt. “Chopped liver?”
“Oh, Toddy. I’d be nowhere without you either, little brother.”
Todd shakes his head. “Two minutes.” He looks at me and raises his eyebrows. “I’m two minutes younger.”
We all laugh and sip our drinks.
“Are you one of Josh’s students?” Clare asks, a wicked glint in her eye.
“Geez, Clare,” Todd interjects. “They’re not in high school. You make it sound so sordid.”
“Emerson and I were friends before she started coming to my classes,” Josh says, looking directly at me.
Breaking eye contact, I say, “I was meant to go back to the city last night, but my car got a flat tyre and ran out of petrol before I got far.”
I’m sure Clare just winked at Josh.
“I invited her to stay to see a bit more of the area,” Josh says. “Can you believe she’s never been down here before?”
“That is a tragedy,” Todd says dramatically. “I love the city, but you’re missing out if you don’t get out of the rat race from time to time.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say.
When Josh and Todd go to the bar to order more drinks and some food to share, I’m left with Clare, and I’m certain I’m about to get the third degree about my intentions with Josh.
Sure enough, the second the guys are out of earshot, she starts her inquisition.
“What’s going on with you and Josh?”
“What do you mean?” I ask, knowing exactly what she means.
“Josh has never asked any of his students to stay at his place. Ever.”
I shrug. “Well I’m honoured to be the first, and it definitely wasn’t planned. Honestly, we’re just friends.”
“But you both want more, right?” she asks, and I can’t read her tone.
“Why are you asking?”
She chuckles, shaking her head. “I’m not jealous if that’s what you’re thinking.” She picks at the label on the cider bottle she’s holding. “Josh is a really special person, and I’m protective of him is all.”
Glancing towards the bar, Josh and Todd are having what looks like an animated conversation. “Have you and Josh dated?” I ask, returning my gaze to her.
She nods. “It was after Todd and I moved down here, and we were spending a lot of time together setting up my candle business.” She glances towards the bar, then back at me. “I thought we were going to fall madly in love, get married, and have a bunch of kids.” She chuckles, but there’s lingering sadness in her eyes.
“What happened?” I ask, rubbing at my chest
“Josh broke up with me saying he didn’t feel the same, but he did me a favour in a way.”
“He did?” I ask, my heart rate picking up.
“He’s searching for someone or something, and I think, deep down, I always knew I would never have been enough.” She takes a sip of her cider and sighs. “No one wants to be the consolation prize.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, hoping it sounds as sincere as I mean it to be. Clare is lovely and warm and was obviously very open to loving Josh. She’s the type of woman he deserves but not the woman he seems to want. I’m apologising not just to Clare, but to Josh, too, because what he seems to want can bring him nothing but pain.
She touches my arm. “Oh, please don’t apologise. It was years ago now, and I’m over it. I’m honestly so grateful to have him in my life, and seeing the way he looks at you makes me wonder if he’s found who he’s been looking for.”
My cheeks burn, and my skin prickles with discomfort. Before I can say anything in response, the guys return with more drinks and the subject is changed.
The noise level in the pub gets louder with every passing hour. I’ve just eaten the best fish and chips of my life and laughed harder than I have possibly ever. Todd is hilarious, and it isn’t just what he says. It’s his delivery. He could read a shopping list and have me in stitches. It might be the wine talking when I tell him I love him.
“Well of course you do, sweetheart,” he says, putting his arm around me. “I’m hot, funny, and unattainable.”
Throwing my arms around his neck, I agree with him on all three counts. We say our goodbyes, and I realise my inhibitions have decreased as my blood-alcohol level increases. Josh only had the one beer, as he’s driving, and I catch him gazing at me throughout the evening whenever I look his way. I can’t deny I like the attention and the way his lips curl upwards as our eyes meet. There is a connection between us, and it scares me as much as it excites me.
We remain silent on the drive home, but the steady beat of my heart is deafening. I wa
nt him and am beyond caring about the consequences. I want my mind to be silent so my heart can be open to what I think is about to happen.
Chapter 26
When we enter the house, he takes my hand and leads me down the hallway. Without hesitating as we pass the room I stayed in last night, I’m led through the door at the end. There are no curtains or blinds, but the house is in a private location, so there isn’t any need. I imagine the view across the surrounding fields will be breathtaking in the daylight. My attention is drawn to the king-size bed, and I wonder if I should continue to stand where I am or move toward it. All thoughts are halted when Josh moves behind me and places his hands on my waist.
“Tell me what you want, Emerson,” Josh says, his lips grazing against my shoulder.
“I want you,” I reply. “I want you so damn much.”
“Can I have you?” he asks, so softly I can barely hear him.
It doesn’t matter, though. I don’t need to hear the words to understand his plea. I can’t push him away despite knowing I may not be emotionally prepared to face the consequences of my actions.
He spins me around and pushes me the few steps until the backs of my legs hit the bed. When his lips connect with the sensitive skin of my neck and down my collarbone, I cry out, “Yes.”
I feel his whole body tense then relax in a split second before he crashes his lips to mine. The kiss is hungry, urgent, and loaded with sexual frustration. Without breaking our kiss, Josh’s hands find the hem of my dress, and my breath hitches when his fingers tickle my bare skin as he pulls it up and over my head. I am on fire for him, and he groans when I grind myself against his erection.
He stops kissing me, but his lips are still touching mine when he says, “You are so beautiful, Emerson.”
I don’t want him to talk. I want him to make me forget, so I kiss him harder this time, pulling him closer as I lie back on the bed, forcing him on top of me. Fortunately, he gets the hint, putting his hand behind his neck and tugging his T-shirt over his head. My greedy hands roam over his now-shirtless torso, marvelling at the toned muscles I long suspected were hidden beneath his clothes. He has an understated strength I am wildly attracted to, and I allow my mind to go exactly where I don’t want it to go for a split second, and I compare him to Mereki. They are so physically similar and they both feel like home to me. It’s equally devastating and wondrous.
With my eyes closed, I could be in the arms of the only man I’ve ever slept with. I revel in it, pulling Josh closer with my hands, my lips, my legs as they open for him and wrap around his butt. I’m trapping him in my web and making no apologies for my insensitivity.
With my lips ravaging his, I push my hands between us and unbuckle his jeans, pushing them and his boxers down to his knees, then kicking them all the way off with my feet. I’m possessed with need and behaving like a starved, wild animal. This virile, talented, and kind man has no idea he’s the lame zebra, caught in the wilds of my messed-up life, and he’s about to become my prey.
Josh makes quick work of my bra and underwear, and in a frenzy of hands and flying clothes, we are finally naked and I can feel his need pressing firmly against my stomach.
“Do you have condoms?” I ask, my voice whispered, but my tone laced in desperation.
Josh nods and reaches to his nightstand, opening the drawer to retrieve the square packet. I’m out of character; this is the most reckless thing I’ve done in my life. I take it from him like the vixen I never knew I could be—like it isn’t my first time handling a condom. The last time Ki and I had sex was so long ago, I wonder if there will be cobwebs down there. Ki always used to take care of everything. Not anymore though, and I’ll be damned if I’ll let Josh take charge now. This is my decision, my reckless one-night stand, and I need to be someone else. I need to be the lioness for a change.
Feeling a surge of power, I push Josh onto his back. His chuckle dies when I glide down his naked body and take him in my mouth. With the death of his laughter comes the birth of primal groaning. I am drunk with power that I’m the one eliciting this reaction from a man. His obvious pleasure gives me reassurance that he’s gaining something from this sordid interlude. I’m taking what I want, but I’m also giving him something in return. I just hope it’s enough.
When he grows impossibly harder in my mouth, Josh grabs me under the arms, and I’m pulled back up his body.
“I need to be inside you,” he says, his eyes dark with lust.
Nodding, I grab the condom from the pillow where I’d left it, rip the packet open with my teeth and roll it down over him with surprising ease. I glance up at Josh and smile. His eyes are closed, and his breaths are ragged. I’m confident he’s close to the edge of the cliff, and I can’t wait to push him off.
Without hesitation, I straddle him, raising myself higher on my knees to line him up with where I desperately need him to be. Josh’s eyes fly open when I sink down just a little, allowing his tip to enter me. Neither of us breathe as I sink, inch by delicious inch. I stop halfway, allowing myself to adjust to his size before my inner voice growls again, and I slam down the rest of the way.
Josh bolts up into a seated position. “Fuck, Emerson! Emerson! Oh my God, Emerson!” He chants my name in a plea that I never stop and a prayer that he hopes I’ll answer.
His arms wrap around my waist holding me to him, and his mouth devours my right breast, sucking and nipping like he knows exactly what will drive me insane and wild with lust. When I start to move, he rewards my other breast with equal fervour. Stars form behind my closed eyes, and the pleasure is becoming unbearable.
We fly higher and higher. The stars I was seeing minutes earlier are now a full galaxy of blinding lights. My body is riding him harder and harder, and he’s meeting me blow for blow, working me up with every kiss, every suck and every touch, higher and higher.
I’m convinced I’m going to explode, liquefying into a sea of pleasure. Can you die from this? Is this normal?
“I’m gonna come,” Josh says on a low groan. “Come with me, baby.”
I can’t respond with words. I don’t even think I can speak anymore. I don’t push him off the cliff. I’m just one big ball of sensation and, with one final grind of my hips and one more thrust of his, I hold his hand and leap off into the darkness.
Eventually, the aftershocks subside and we hold each other, unwilling to pull apart after such a powerful experience. I climb off and lie down next to him. My breathing is still uneven, so I close my eyes and focus on drawing in oxygen. I hear him moving about, and the bed raises as he gets up. Moments later, he returns to the bed and climbs in, lying next to me. Opening my eyes, I turn on my side to face him, desperately hoping this isn’t going to be awkward.
“That was . . .” He stops, and I wonder if he’s having trouble verbalising just how incredible it was.
“I know.” Whatever it is he’s thinking, we’re on the same page.
“I’ve never . . .” Again, he can’t finish his sentence.
“Me neither.”
“You were . . .”
“You were, too.” I say, smiling, a little incredulous that this is so comfortable and perfectly intimate.
I glance over at the clock—an exact replica of the one in the room I slept in. “What’s with the time painter?”
Josh chuckles. “It’s an app. Luca sucks me into all these crazy things. The developer made the video of the old woman painting, then it’s run to keep perfect time. I can’t tell you how much time I’ve wasted watching her.”
“I can imagine.”
We’re both lying on his bed facing each other, grinning like idiots. What do I do now, though? I really want to take a shower, but do I go back to the spare room and stay there or do I use his en-suite then assume I’m sharing his bed? Oh my God.
“Your eyes are so expressive,” Josh says, interrupting my internal chaos. “I could see the moment you stopped just relaxing and enjoying the aftermath and started fretting about something.�
�� He raises an eyebrow and pushes the hair that’s fallen across my face behind my ear. “I’m guessing you’re wondering if you should stay in here with me tonight or go back to the spare room.” He narrows his eyes, obviously thinking he’s super smart.
“Actually,” I say, “I was also wondering which shower I should use.” I seem to be an open book to this man and am quietly pleased he cares so much to read me.
“Use my shower.” He kisses my lips briefly. “Then stay with me here.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, rolling my eyes at my own stupid question. Of course he’s sure. Why wouldn’t he be? We just had the most incredible sex, and he’s probably warming up for round two in the shower, then maybe he’s into morning sex. He probably thinks this is the start of something between us, and I’ve given him no reason to think otherwise.
After proving there was more than enough room for two in his shower, Josh falls into a deep sleep seconds after saying goodnight, completely sated. I, on the other hand, am wide awake, alone with my guilt and tormented thoughts.
The day was too perfect.
Josh was too perfect.
I am a monster.
Unable to sleep with my demons ravaging my mind, I eventually give up. Trying to switch off, I’ve watched my little old lady friend in the clock paint hours’ worth of minutes. She has just completed one fifteen, and I feel no closer to sleep than I did when Josh nodded off. I decide to get up and walk around a bit. Maybe I’ll go outside and try to quiet my mind.
After pulling my clothes back on, I tiptoe through the silent house. When I step outside, Leroy comes out of his kennel to join me, and I’m actually grateful for his company.
Despite the late hour, the full moon gives me decent visibility. The lake is eerily beautiful in the soft light. An owl hoots, breaking the silence that I find so incredibly peaceful. The serenity reminds me of the time spent by the river with Mereki back in our home town.
I walk down the path to the water’s edge. Mist rises from the lake, and I’m struck by the idea that this could be a scene from a murder thriller movie.
