A Step from Heaven

by An Na

  Young Ju, Uhmma says, look in the mirror. Look at all your pretty curls. Uhmma holds my shoulders and turns me around.

  Who is that girl? She cannot be me. Her hair is too big. It stands up big as a bush, just like the hair of the toy man with the rainbow face. Uhmma did not tell me this was curly hair. She said it would look like the sea. But it does not. I am a Mi Gook girl with big ugly toy-man hair.

  Do you like it, Young Ju? Uhmma is smiling. Happy lots of teeth smile. Happy as the letter about Mi Gook. Happy at me. Even though Uhmma tells me I should always tell the truth, and Halmoni says God will be very angry if you lie, I want Uhmma to smile happy lots of teeth at me.

  Young Ju, do you like your curly hair?

  I look at the floor. Yes, I lie, quiet as snow.

  Waiting for Heaven

  I do not like this bus that bounces and rolls like a boat on stormy waters. I pull on Uhmma’s shirt. When will this bus get to Mi Gook? I ask.

  This is not a bus, Apa answers. It is an airplane. Go to sleep and stop bothering your Uhmma. We will tell you when we are there.

  I play with the bow on my new going-to-Mi-Gook dress so I do not have to look at Apa’s eyes. He might get mad. I pat the skirt over my knees. Feels better than bunny rabbit fur. It is the color of the nighttime sky just before the sun goes down. Halmoni’s quiet time, time for a walk and talk about olden days. Halmoni said, This dress will remind you of me. It will help you remember our walks.

  I pat my dress and wish this dress were Halmoni. Thinking about Halmoni all alone in our sitting-hen house makes me want to cry louder than Ju Mi’s baby sister who has no hair.

  Mi Gook is only for young people to have a new start, Halmoni said. Not for old people who are used-up dry fish bones.

  I do not understand why Mi Gook is only for Apa and Uhmma and me. God said everyone could go to heaven. Maybe God is a big liar. If Halmoni cannot go to Mi Gook, then I do not want to go. I want to stay at home with Halmoni.

  The bus jumps one big jump. Kunk! God is angry I called him a liar. He knows I do not want to go to Mi Gook! I close my eyes tight and pray, Dear Father who lives in heaven. I am sorry. I do want to see all the pretty angels who wear white dresses and fly in the air. I do want to see Harabugi.

  Kunk! I open my eyes, grab Uhmma’s shirt. I try to crawl into her lap. I cannot. There is thick rope holding me down.

  Uhmma. Uhmma. Help, I say.

  Uhmma opens one eye, then the other eye. What is wrong? she says. Why are you not sleeping?

  God is angry that I do not want to go to Mi Gook without Halmoni, I say.

  Shhh, that is foolish talk. God is not angry. Sleep now. I will sing you a song.

  Uhmma. Can everyone go to heaven?

  Yes. If they are God’s people.

  Is Halmoni God’s people?

  Halmoni is the one who first heard God’s words from Pastor Shin.

  Then Halmoni can go to heaven?

  Yes, Young Ju. She will be there one day. Now, close your eyes. If you sleep, we will get to Mi Gook faster.

  I smile. Halmoni is coming to Mi Gook! It is not just for young people. I close my eyes and Uhmma sings the mountain rabbit song. This is my song, only Halmoni was the one who would rub my back and sing it to me so I could fall asleep.

  San toki. Toki ya.

  Uhmma?

  Young Ju, no more questions.

  Please, Uhmma, one more. Do you think Halmoni is sleeping too?

  Yes, she is. Do not worry about Halmoni. She can take care of herself. She will miss you, but she knows Mi Gook is best for you. It is time to sleep. Halmoni is probably waiting for you in your dreams.

  Uhmma puts her arm over my shoulder. I close my eyes and try to dream. I do not want Halmoni to wait long. She is old and her back gets tired. I let Uhmma sing the song.

  San toki. Toki ya. Uh dee ru ga nun yah. Ghang choung. Ghang choung dee men su. Uh dee ru ga nun yah.

  I am a mountain rabbit bouncing, running. Where am I going? I am going to see Harabugi. And when Halmoni comes, I will ask her if she liked the bus that is called an airplane. In Mi Gook, everyone will be happy and filled with love. I am a mountain rabbit bouncing, running, closing my eyes. Waiting for heaven.

  A Step from Heaven

  I am looking for Harabugi all over Gomo’s house. There are so many rooms. All of the floors are covered with a warm white blanket that is soft on my feet. And the rooms do not have rice paper doors but a big piece of wood like the stores in the village. Everyone in heaven must be very rich to have so many blankets and wooden doors inside the house.

  Young Ju, where are you? Uhmma calls. I try to find her voice, but I am lost. When I open a door, there is only another room. Sometimes small. Sometimes big. This room has a funny seat with pink fur on it. Soft. I wonder what kind of animal in Mi Gook has pink fur.

  I sit on the fur seat. There is a fat ball of snowy paper stuck on the wall. When I pull on the end, it rolls out like a long tail of smoke.

  Young Ju, what are you doing? Everyone is waiting for you in the big room, Uhmma says from the doorway.

  I jump off the seat and run to Uhmma. She picks me up and carries me away.

  In the big room, Apa is sitting next to Sahmchun, who is a Mi Gook person with big round money eyes like in the picture of God. Only his money eyes are not dark as night. They are daytime, sun-is-shining, sky-color eyes. His hair is wavy brown seaweed. He says to call him Uhing Kel Thim. That is Mi Gook talk for Sahmchun, but my mouth does not want to make those words. He says it is fine to call him Sahmchun until my mouth is ready to learn.

  He is sitting and talking with Apa and Gomo. He makes our words with a big floppy tongue.

  Here she is, Uhmma says and bounces me in her arms.

  Give her to me. I will hold her, Sahmchun says.

  Uhmma puts me down on Sahmchun’s lap. I want to touch Sahmchun’s sky eyes. But that is not nice. Poor Sahmchun. He will think I am making fun of his eyes like when I got curly hair and Ju Mi was laughing, laughing so much she could not talk.

  Do you like the house, Young Ju? Sahmchun asks.

  It is very big and nice. But I did not find Harabugi. Where is he? I ask.

  Sahmchun’s eyebrows wrinkle together. Harabugi? He asks, Why does Harabugi live here?

  Everyone at the table is looking at me.

  Young Ju, that is a stupid question, Apa says. Harabugi is in heaven.

  This is heaven, I say. Mi Gook is heaven. Where is Harabugi?

  Now they are all shaking their heads. Apa gives me hard rock eyes. Sahmchun rubs his chin.

  Young Ju, Sahmchun says. Mi Gook is not heaven. Harabugi is with God.

  We are not in the sky with God?

  He shakes his head.

  I ask, Then how do you have all the blankets on the floor and big wooden doors? Everyone in heaven is rich and happy.

  Sahmchun shakes his head again. He says, Mi Gook is very nice. But it is not heaven.

  My eyes turn down. My lips turn down. Sahmchun watches my face. He bounces me on his knees and holds up one finger. Wait, he says. Mi Gook is almost as good as heaven. Let us say it is a step from heaven.

  I do not like his words. A step from heaven? I crawl off his lap and stand up straight. I say loud in my best voice, If this is not heaven, I want to go home. Halmoni is waiting for me.

  Young Ju, Apa says. Sit down. I do not want to hear any more nonsense from you. Apa stands up and grabs the back of my dress. He pulls me to a chair next to him and makes me sit.

  I will not cry. No. I hold my breath.

  Uhmma is making a sound that is not her squeaky-shoes laugh. More like dragging a stick on the ground. Uhmma pats her cheek and says, Young Ju has such an imagination. She is always dreaming when she should be listening.

  Gomo rubs my back. She says, What a funny girl you are, Young Ju. Where did you get the idea that Mi Gook was heaven? Halmoni must have filled your head with too many stories. Well, you are here now and you can become a Mi Gook girl. Her
e, try this drink. Everyone in Mi Gook loves Ko-ka Ko-la. They drink it like water. You will love it too.

  Gomo gives me a cup with dirty black water inside. I can see bubbles floating. Maybe this is a drink from the sea. I sniff the cup like Mi Shi.

  Just drink it, Young Ju, Apa growls.

  I put the cup to my mouth and take a small taste. Ahya! It hurts. This drink bites the inside of my mouth and throat like swallowing tiny fish bones. This is what Mi Gook people love? I want to push the drink away, but I cannot show bad manners.

  Good girl, Young Ju. Drink that up and you can have more, Apa says. He pats my head.

  I hold the cup in my hands. Uhmma and Apa talk to Sahmchun and Gomo. They do not see my wet eyes and hurting mouth. They are happy to be in Mi Gook. Many jobs, big houses, good schools, make a living, they say back and forth. Uhmma sits close to Apa. Their shoulders touch. Uhmma smiles at Apa. Apa smiles back.

  I do not understand why they are showing happy teeth. Do they not miss Halmoni? Are they not mad that they are not in the real heaven? Harabugi is waiting in the real heaven and Halmoni will go there without me. I do not care if we are a step from heaven. I take a big swallow of the hurting drink. This is not heaven.

  My Future

  I do not like the word school. Uhmma and Apa say school is my future. I do not like the word future. Everything is in the future. A house we do not have to share with Gomo and Sahmchun. A car without big cuts in the seat that show the crumbly insides that Uhmma says I should not pull out, but I do anyway because it feels like sand when you mush it between your fingers.

  Only now when I sit in the back seat I have to cover the parts that say a little mouse has been here because I am the only Mouse in the family. Everyone else has important signs like Tiger or Dragon. The new baby that is still waiting inside Uhmma’s stomach will be born in the Year of the Dragon. But that is in the future.

  I think future must mean a long time away. Except school is not in the future. It is now. I do not understand how school is my future when it is not a long time away. I will have to ask the teacher. Apa says the teacher will know everything and I should listen hard because then I have to teach him and Uhmma what I learned.

  Inside school everyone is running and playing with toys. A tall ahjimma, even taller than Apa, comes over. She has a big white cloud sitting on top of her head like it is hair. Apa bows just when the lady puts out her hand and he hits it with his forehead. She laughs. Apa shakes his head. Then he holds her hand and lets it drop. He pushes me forward and says, Greet your teacher, Young Ju.

  The lady with the cloud hair is my teacher? But she is a giant person like in the long-ago stories Halmoni used to tell me so I would be a good girl. My teacher looks like the old witch who ate bad children for dinner.

  Apa taps my head and says loud, Young. The witch teacher says, “Ho ha do, Yung.”

  I pull on Apa’s shirt and say, Apa. My name is not Young. It is Young Ju. You forgot the Ju part.

  Shhh, Young Ju, Apa says, in school you are only Young. Mi Gook people will have too much trouble saying all the syllables. It is better to keep it simple for them. Now, bow to your teacher.

  Ahn-young-ha-say-yo, I say and bow so I can show her good manners and she will not eat me up.

  Apa puts two round monies in my hand. This is for food, he says. Obey the teacher, Young Ju, and listen well. Gomo will be here to pick you up after school. Apa waves to me and then leaves for his gardening job.

  “Ah ri cas, ca mo ve he,” the witch teacher says. She claps her hands and then touches her cloud hair. All the other Mi Gook girls and boys come over fast like they are scared they will be eaten if they are not good children. They sit in a circle around me.

  “Tees es Yung,” the witch teacher says.

  “Wah ko um, Yung,” they say.

  I see some girls whispering to each other. I have never seen so many different colors of hair. Some are shiny brown like mud in the rain. One boy and one girl have hair the color of wheat waving in the sun. I wonder if it crackles when their uhmma brushes it. I count, hana, duool, seht, neht. Neht have night hair like me. But not all the Americans have curly hair like Gomo said they would. Only one boy has big curly hair. I hope they do not think I am a boy.

  I am looking at all the hair, but then the witch teacher says more Mi Gook words and everyone runs to sit down at the tables. The teacher holds my hand and takes me to a chair next to a girl with night hair. Her shirt is the color of the sea. I want to touch her shirt, but I am scared.

  “Hee,” she says and holds out a red stick. I shake my head because I do not know how to talk Mi Gook. Sea Shirt rubs the red stick on some paper and the color stays there. There are many color sticks inside the box and Sea Shirt is pulling them out and rubbing them on the paper. Sea Shirt stops rubbing the sticks and watches me chew on my finger. She holds out the red stick again. This time I know what to do.

  I am rubbing the color sticks on the paper for a long time. I make a sea and sand. Then in the corner I draw our sitting-hen house. There is so much to fill in that I do not hear the witch teacher talking. All the girls and boys run outside. I am the only one sitting down with my color sticks. The witch teacher is talking, talking, fast like she is mad. I cover my ears. I am so scared I feel like I have to go to the bathroom. I have disobeyed and the witch teacher will eat me.

  The witch teacher sits down next to me and scratches her head. Her finger disappears into the cloud. Up close the witch teacher does not look so mean. The small chair makes her knees almost touch her chin. I smile. When the witch teacher smiles back I think maybe she will not eat me.

  The teacher takes my hands away from my ears. “Yung,” she says.

  I shake my head. The teacher pats her cloud hair and then looks around. She walks over to the corner of the room and comes back with a bowl. She sits back down and takes something out of the bowl and puts it in her mouth. Her mouth moves up and down, up and down. Her head goes back and forth, back and forth. Mi Gook teachers eat very funny. I lean over to see what is inside the bowl. There is nothing there. Maybe the teacher is playing.

  The teacher points to her lips and says, “Laanchu.” Then she is eating from the empty bowl again.

  I say, “Laanchu,” and chew hard like I am eating a piece of dried squid. This makes the teacher so happy she is clapping and smiling and saying, “Goo, goo!”

  The teacher watches me. Again I say the word that makes her so happy, “Laanchu.” But this time the teacher does not clap. She twists her lip in the corner.

  I say, “Laanchu.”

  The teacher holds her chin. I play with my color sticks and pretend I do not see her thinking about eating me. After a very long time, the teacher gets up and goes to her desk. She comes back with a bag filled with big yellow crumbs. They are just like the car seat crumbs I am not supposed to pick at. I am worried. The teacher knows I disobeyed Uhmma.

  The teacher takes one of the crumbs, puts it in her mouth. She sits down and holds out the bag. I pull out a crumb. The big yellow crumb up close looks like something I know. I turn it around and around until I see the little tail. It reminds me of the little fishes Uhmma dries for dinner. I make the little fish swim in the air. The teacher nods. “Yehs!” she says.

  “Yehs,” I say and make the fish swim more. “Yehs.”

  “Noo,” the teacher says, shaking her head. She points to the fish. “Go-do-feesh.”

  I point to the fish. “Go-do-feesh?”

  “Yehs,” the teacher says, nodding. “Go-do-feesh.”

  Then the teacher pours a big pile of Go-do-feesh onto my picture of the sea and gets up. Her tall legs push her high into the air. I am afraid her head will hit the roof. She looks down at me and puts another Go-do-feesh into her mouth. She chews and says, “Laanchu.” She points to me.

  I put one Go-do-feesh in my mouth and bite it slowly. It crunches like sand. A smoky salty taste sits on my tongue. These Go-do-feesh are good to eat. I nod and say, “Laanchu.” The teach
er smiles and goes to sit behind her desk.

  I make the Go-do-feesh swim in the sea and then get eaten by a big sea monster. When the girls and boys come back inside, the big sea monster has eaten all the Go-do-feesh. This bad sea monster has forgotten to save one to teach Uhmma and Apa. I am so sad my head is hanging sideways on my neck. I will get a big thump from Uhmma’s knuckle. Then I remember that I have the rubbing sticks. I draw the Go-do-feesh into my sea.

  Sea Shirt points to my picture and says, “Go-do-feesh.”

  I say, “Laanchu.”

  Sea Shirt talks fast Mi Gook words.

  I shake my head. Smile. I know only little Mi Gook words now. But someday I will know all of them. In the future.

  Not Forever

  It is not forever, Apa says to Uhmma. They sit in the front of the car, looking out at the house. Old brown paint peeling off. Old brown grass flying away. Crisscross metal fence all around. Apa pushes in the magic light button for his cigarette. Uhmma rubs her blow-up stomach. Round and round. I am afraid Uhmma will pop like the balloons at my first Mi Gook birthday party.

  Apa turns in his seat and says to me, This will not really be our house. We will just borrow the bottom part from the man who lives upstairs.

  Uhmma turns to Apa. Could we not wait longer and save more money?

  Apa lights his cigarette. Blows out the smoke. He shakes his head. You know what it is like. How can you stand to live like that? Always thanking them, always having to be careful. We have no privacy.

  Yes, you are right. But soon the baby will be here and then I can work. I will look for two jobs and then we can save for our own house.

  Woman, what are you talking about? Apa rolls down the window and sticks his cigarette outside. Tap, tap.

  I just mean the baby is only a few weeks away. I can work soon. Could you not wait a few more months?