IRISH (The Trident Series Book 4)

by Jaime Lewis

  He took a step and felt himself sway. Damn, maybe those three shots along with the beer he had in the hotel bar had been a bad decision. But he needed something to take the edge off. At least, to get through the next couple of hours. He felt uneasy and off-kilter. He sarcastically chuckled to himself. Of course, he was feeling off-kilter. He was borderline drunk. Jesus, he should’ve told Ace he was going to stay home instead of coming here and acting like everything was hunky-dory. He was in a piss poor mood and had no desire to mingle. But he told himself he had to suck it up, make an appearance, then call it an early night before going home to decompress. Sienna, Alejandra, and Cody were all with a babysitter for the night at Tenley and Potter’s house, so he had the house to himself. He knew Bailey would want to stay with him, and as much he would like to bundle her up and take her home with him, right now, he just needed to be alone.

  He had done some thinking at the bar while the alcohol took its course. He thought about how he should be happy to be alive and back home with a beautiful woman waiting for him. But then the demons took over his thoughts. As this was his first deployment since they had been dating, before the unfortunate turn of events in Algeria, he was smitten and excited to finally get to come home to a set of waiting arms, like some of his other buddies. As much as he wanted to see her face light up when she saw him, he didn’t want to face her scrutiny. She was smart and excelled at picking up on others’ emotions. She didn’t need or deserve to see him at his lowest. He’d had breakdowns before after missions, especially when they were intense, but they came nowhere close to what he was feeling right now.

  He was pulled from his thoughts when he felt the hand on his arm, then steadied himself. “Dude…Are you fucking drunk?” Ace. Just fucking fantastic.

  He ran his hand down his face, feeling the beard he had grown over the last couple of days. He looked at Ace. “I don’t know what I am right now.” Numb, depressed, tired, there were several adjectives he could give. He stumbled again. Shit. This time, Potter and Stitch were there to settle him.

  “Alex will kill you if she sees you like this, not to mention the grilling you would get from her.”

  He looked at Stitch. “I’m not worried about Alex. I don’t want Bailey to see me like this. You guys have to get me out of here.”

  “And when she asks where you are?”

  “Tell her the truth. I had to go home and that I will call her later.”

  Christ, all he needed was Bailey to see him in this state. He closed his eyes and used the wall behind him to support his weight. He knew the guys would get him home. He could sense movement; then he heard that voice. That voice he’d longed to hear for the last week. Goddammit!

  “Ky?”

  He cracked open his eyes, and there she stood looking every bit as beautiful as the last time he’d seen her. But then he really looked in her eyes, and he saw the concern. Her eyebrows were drawn in.

  She stepped forward and hugged him. He didn’t move. Not that he didn’t want to, he was afraid that if he moved an inch, he would end up face down on the floor. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and shoulder and tried to let her presence and comfort help take some of the tension away. But it didn’t.

  He pulled back and looked down at her. “Are you okay? You don’t look so well,” she said to him.

  He put on a fake smile—the one he was accustomed to when he wanted to bullshit his way through something. Being in Special Forces, you become a pro at that type of shit. Hell, every one of them could win an Oscar. “Yeah, just a rough trip, and I’m pretty tired.” Just then, he saw a boy walk by the dessert table across the room, followed by the sound of a glass breaking, and just like that, he was thrust back into Algeria. He shook his head and stumbled again. Someone grabbed his arm.

  “Ky, are you sure everything’s okay? Your face looks a little pale,” Bailey asked, reaching for him, just as he got a sickening feeling in his stomach. The vision of the boy being overtaken by the blast played back in his head. It was like watching b-roll footage. It just kept playing over and over. His head started spinning, and he became nauseous. He bent over with his hands on his knees and tried sucking in a couple of deep breaths. He knew what was coming. He was crashing, and it was coming full speed like a freight train with no brakes. Suddenly, the walls started to close in on him, and he heard the mumbled voices of concern around him. He felt the hand on his back, and something within him snapped, sending himself instantly back into the mist of the battlefield. Protect his team from the enemy.

  He turned so fast he made his own head spin. Like the trained man he was, he took hold of the enemy. Once he had the individual secured, so no harm would come to his teammates, he took a breath. Then he heard the voice of an angel. His angel.

  “Ky…”

  “Bailey, don’t move.”

  “He’s not going to hurt me, Ace. Are you Ky?” Why was Ace talking to his angel? And why would he be worried about him hurting her? He shook his head. No, his angel was home and safe where she belonged. This was a ploy to get him to let his guard down.

  “Irish…come on buddy. Come back to us. Take a deep breath and look around; all of your friends are here. We are at the hotel, celebrating Alex’s opening.” Irish stared at the white wall above the head of the individual he had restrained. He was processing Ace’s words. He was safe. His team was safe. He was home. That one word had him focusing on the person he held in his grasp. The person was small in comparison to him. His brain finally engaged, and all he saw was a set of glassy blue eyes staring back at him. Those eyes were his home. He felt the blood drain from his face as his hold loosened, and he pulled his angel into the safety of his arms. He buried his face in her hair. It was all coming back to him. Her scent, the feel of her body, but most of all, her kindness as he felt her arms go around his waist. He stood there, absorbing the comfort she brought him.

  ◆◆◆

  Bailey wasn’t sure what was happening or going through Irish’s mind when he grabbed her by the shoulders and pushed her against the wall. His eyes were focused but not on her. It was as if he was reliving something in his mind. Then, when Ace told her not to move and started talking to Irish in a way like he was coaching him, she realized what the issue was. Irish was apparently having a flashback of some sort. She’d read up on signs and symptoms of PTSD, but just recently, since she started dating Irish, she’d been reading more on it.

  She felt Irish pull back, but all she wanted to do was hold him and comfort him. When he looked down in her eyes, she wanted to cry. She was doing all she could to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. This beautiful man she loved with all her heart was obviously hurting, and she didn’t know what to do. She wanted to hold him and chase his demons away. She reached out to take his hand, but he pulled it back as if her hand would bite him. Then he shook his head.

  “You need to let me be alone for a while.” And here it was. It was almost textbook in what she had read. He was going to push her away. Well, guess what, buddy…it ain’t going to happen. At least not if I can help it.

  “I don’t want you to be alone. Please…. let me at least take you home. Please don’t shut me out.”

  He stared at her with a look she’d never seen before, and she was frightened. Not that she was scared of him physically, but she was scared of what his next words might be.

  He dropped his hands to his side. “I can’t do this.”

  She didn’t understand. “You can’t do what?” She asked as her voice cracked.

  He stared at her again as if he was having trouble forming the words he wanted to say. She watched him swallow hard as if he was trying to swallow a boulder that had lodged in his throat.

  “Us. This. I can’t be what you need.” And there it was. Those words are what she had dreaded since she and Irish had started dating. He was walking away, and she felt the first crack in her heart.

  “So that’s it? You’re just going to throw away everything we have between us. Just give it all up an
d walk away?”

  He made an odd sound with his mouth as he stood there with his hands on his hips, looking at her. “It’s not like we were married. Hell, we’ve only been dating for what…a month. I’d consider that an accomplishment in my book.”

  She almost didn’t hear the gasp that came from Alex, because she was focused on the hurtful words. His words hurt more than anything her parents had ever said to her. And that was saying a lot. As much as she wanted to fight for them, she knew it would be a lost cause. He was dead set on pushing her away, and if that is what he truly wanted, then she would walk away, even though it would be difficult to give her heart to another man because Irish would always own a piece of hers.

  She knew her eyes were filled to the max, and with one blink, the tears would come raining down. But she vowed to hold herself together until she was out of the public eye. She stared up at Irish for probably the last time.

  “I’m sorry it had to end this way. I wish you’d take the time you need, and then we could talk, but it looks like you’ve made your decision, and I will be the grown adult and walk away gracefully. Hurt, but gracefully. In the end, I hope you find peace and happiness someday.”

  She turned to Alex and everyone else that had gathered around. They all looked angry, but she refused to show defeat, even though she was humiliated and dying on the inside. Her heart was ripped to shreds, and there wasn’t a damn thing she could do about it. He’d made his decision, and she would honor it.

  “Alex, congratulations again on your success. If you will all excuse me, I’m going to see myself out.” Her voice cracked so slightly on the last word. Her meltdown was coming in three, two, one. Just as she stepped around the group of people and her face was out of their line of sight, the first tear rolled down her cheek. She heard others calling out to her, but she never wavered.

  As she made it outside, she saw a taxi down by the main lobby entrance. She ran down the sidewalk but stumbled when the heel of her baby blue Jimmy Choos caught in a crack. She went tumbling to the ground and hit the concrete hard. She cried out, feeling the sting to her legs as they scraped against the rough surface. What else could go wrong tonight? She was already at her lowest and wasn’t that the literal truth as she laid on the sidewalk outside of the hotel. She buried her face in her hands and cried.

  Suddenly, a set of hands lifted her to her feet. When she finally looked up, she was shocked to see Diego. Sweet Diego. That man had a heart made of gold. He looked angry, but then he surprised her when he hugged her and consoled her while she held on and began to sob. He whispered soothing words to her as he rubbed her back. When she didn’t have any tears left, she pulled back and wiped her face. She had to look like a train wreck. The little make-up she was wearing was probably all over her face; she felt some strands of her hair against her neck, so she knew her hair had come loose. She just wanted to get into a cab and go home and lock herself inside. She was embarrassed, angry, but most of all, hurt. Hurt by the words from the man she had fallen in love with.

  Diego touched her chin and tilted her face towards his.

  “Are you okay?”

  She shook her head. “No, Diego, I’m not, okay. I feel like someone stuck a knife through my heart, and if that wasn’t bad enough, they decided to twist it.”

  “What can I do for you?”

  “Just get me in that cab. I’ll get myself home.” He looked like he wanted to argue, and that was the last thing she wanted to do right now, so she gave him a pleading look. “Please. I just need to go home.” He nodded and opened the door.

  Before she got in, he turned her towards him. “You promise to call me if you need anything, you got that?” Knowing he would be one of the last people she would call but not wanting to upset him, she nodded. Taking her nod as acceptance, he leaned forward and kissed her forehead before he stepped back and shut the door. Something in the back of her mind told her to look back, and when she did, she saw Irish running towards her, but then Diego stopped him. He looked so distraught. Part of her wanted to stop the driver and go to Irish. But then her brain stopped that thought. He pushed her away. It was his choice. Let him deal with the consequences.

  ◆◆◆

  Irish watched Bailey walk away. The way her eyes glistened as the tears started to form almost had him dropping to his knees and begging her for forgiveness. He didn’t want to push her away, but he had to. He wasn’t the man for her. She was innocent and pure. He, on the other hand, was far from that; he killed people for a living. The inside of his head was spinning. He started pacing until Ace grabbed his arm and spun him around.

  “What the fuck is your problem?” Ace growled, looking ready to beat the shit out of him. Hell, he wanted to beat the shit out of himself.

  Irish ran his hand down his face. “I don’t know what came over me. I’ve been on edge since that goddamn mission, and when I saw a kid over by that table, I had a flashback. Jesus, Ace, did you see what I did to her? I thought she was the fucking enemy. I lost my fucking mind and pinned her against the wall. She doesn’t deserve that shit.”

  “Yeah, well, you are lucky that I don’t beat the fuck out of you. One, for the way you treated Bailey. And two, for not talking to one of us. We were there too.”

  He shook himself from Ace’s grip. “Where did she go? I need to find her. I have to find her and make this right.”

  “She ran, man.”

  “She ran where? It’s a fucking hotel, and I know she didn’t drive.”

  “Out the door. I think Diego went after her.” Skittles stated looking angry, disgusted, and pissed off. Irish couldn’t blame him. He’d be feeling the same if he saw one of his teammates treat their woman how he’d just treated Bailey. Fuck!

  Irish took off in the direction Bailey had gone. He ran outside through the automatic doors and looked to the right, and saw Diego helping Bailey into a cab. “No!” He sprinted after them, but by the time he made it down the sidewalk, the cab was pulling away with half of his heart in the back seat.

  Diego turned around just as Irish approached. No words were spoken between the two SEALs as they both just glared at each other. Before Irish could say a word, Diego pulled his arm back and punched him in the face. He stumbled backward and rubbed his jaw. Okay, he deserved that.

  Diego pointed his finger at him. “I hope you fucking realize what you just threw away. You hurt that woman in ways you’ll never forgive yourself for.” He walked away, leaving Irish standing there staring where the cab once sat.

  He closed his eyes and willed away the tears he felt forming. He sensed someone standing nearby, then felt the small hand touch his arm. When he opened his eyes, he looked down to find Alex standing there, and damn, was she pissed. He waited for the steam to start coming out of her ears and the horns to grow out of her head.

  “Alex – “

  She cut him off quickly. “No, you are going to shut up and listen to me. I would call you an asshole, but I don’t think that is a strong enough word. Your actions reminded me of a bully. Bullies are far worse than assholes in my book.” She had tears in her eyes. Great, now Ace was really going to kick his ass. One for ruining a special night for Alex and two, for making her cry.

  Her facial features softened as she stared at him. She was the only woman who could intimidate him. And she was doing a damn good job at it right now. “Look, Irish. From my understanding, things didn’t really go according to plan wherever you guys were. But how dare you take those emotions out on Bailey when all she was doing was trying to be helpful. Granted, I understand you guys sometimes need some downtime when coming home but did you ever consider just telling her the truth instead of getting drunk, then coming in here and acting like the woman who loves you means nothing to you?”

  Alex’s last sentence had him sobering up instantly. Bailey loved him. He looked at her, and as if she could read his mind, she smiled softly and said, “Yeah, you horse’s ass, Bailey is in love with you.”

  “Irish, I was in your shoes when
I got home from Afghanistan. I almost threw everything away when I turned into a hermit instead of dealing with my issues. I’ve never experienced anything like that before. Nor did I have any training or concept in handling PTSD. Sure, I’ve seen and been around people, but I had never had it happen to me. But you don’t have an excuse; you’ve been trained and should know when to seek out help. Hell, you have people waiting to talk to you as soon as you get home.”

  Irish remembered how depressed Alex was and wouldn’t speak to anyone for a couple of weeks after returning from the Middle East. He thought back to how hurt the team felt. Is that how Bailey felt right now? Damn, she was right. He was trained to handle what normal citizens couldn’t. He’d seen before the damage a monster like Madani could do, so why was this so much harder to deal with?

  His shoulders slumped. “You’re right, and I’m sorry, Alex.”

  “It’s not me you need to apologize to.”

  “I don’t know what to do, Alex. I don’t think a simple apology is going to be enough.”

  “My advice is to let her be for the night. I highly doubt she would want to talk to you even if you tried. I know I wouldn’t. You hurt her.”

  “I lost my cool. That’s never happened to me before.”

  “That’s not the only thing you lost,” Ace said in a stern voice as he joined Alex.

  And wasn’t that the truth. He most likely had lost the one woman he found love in. God, what happened if she didn’t accept his apology?

  He heard Alex say something else to him, but it was drowned out from the noise in his head. All of a sudden, he felt clammy, Jesus what was happening to him. His vision became blurry. Someone grabbed his arm and spun him around, making him dizzier. It was Ace and Potter. They were talking, but his ears weren’t working. His chest tightened, and he couldn’t breathe, then his knees buckled. Right before he blacked out, all he saw was an image of Bailey’s smiling face. His sweet, caring, and loving Bailey.