The Hero's Guide to Being an Outlaw

by Christopher Healy

  “Yes, ma’am,” he said, giving her a sarcastic salute.

  They followed their own tracks back to the boulders, where they found Snow and Rapunzel cowering together between two ice cream scoop stones. And only one camel.

  “Thank goodness you’re back,” Rapunzel cried.

  “It was awful,” Snow said. “Four giant crickets burst out of the ground and took our camels.”

  “I’m pretty sure they were beetles,” Rapunzel said.

  “No, they were definitely camels,” Snow said.

  “Our rides are gone?” Val said despairingly.

  “And all our stuff,” Lila added.

  “You’re welcome!” Rauber said loudly, with a satisfied look on his face. “If I hadn’t saved the pack with the book in it, you’d be lost out here forever.”

  Ella rifled through their two remaining packs. “With the, uh, six of us, we’ve barely got enough food and water left to last five days.”

  “So even if we turn back now, we won’t make it all the way to Valerium,” Rapunzel said. She felt like she was about to cry, but didn’t want to waste her tears.

  “Whoa, hold on!” Rauber said. “What’s all this talk about going back? We’re halfway there! We’ve still got the goofy old prince’s diary—thanks to me—so we continue to follow it. And we just hope we find those ruins in five days.”

  “What about the trip home?” Rapunzel asked.

  “Duh!” he cried. “We’re going there to talk to a genie! We’ll just wish ourselves home.”

  “That is surprisingly logical,” Ella said.

  “But according to the old story, the djinn will only grant the possessor of the bottle one wish,” said Lila.

  “Yeah, one wish per person,” Rauber said. “Unless I’ve counted incorrectly—which I may have, ’cause I never took math—there’s more than one of us here.”

  “Ooh, if we each get a wish, I know what I want to ask for,” said Snow. “A sandwich. I’m famished.”

  Ella looked at her askance. “But what about Duncan?” she asked.

  “He’d probably wish for a sandwich, too,” Snow answered.

  “Yeah, that’s not what I meant, but . . . never mind. Let’s start moving.”

  As the sun began to set, filling the sky with streaks of luminous pink and orange, the Furious Female Freedom Fighters—and the Bandit King—began their long march, keeping their eyes and ears open for shifting sands and clicking sounds. Luckily, they didn’t see any more brain-melter beetles. Unluckily, their food ran out on day four. And their water by the end of day five. And by the morning of day six, they still hadn’t found the ruins.

  29

  AN OUTLAW SPINS THE BOTTLE

  “I don’t understand,” Ella muttered, her voice hoarse. “We passed the glazed-ham mesa yesterday morning. That was the last landmark Dorun mentioned. And he said it was only a three-hour march due east from there before he found the ruins.”

  “I’ve decided that this Dorun was an idiot,” said Val. She and Ella dragged themselves along on foot, while Lila, Snow, and Rapunzel crowded on top of the very unhappy Camella. Rauber plodded several yards behind them.

  “Hey, Rapunzel,” the Bandit King called out. “If I’m about to die of thirst, can your tears help me?”

  “Not unless you plan to drink them,” she replied.

  Rauber shrugged. “Whatever works.”

  “Wait, look!” Lila suddenly shouted, pointing to a rise in the east. “Is that a mirage, or am I seeing stone pillars?” She jumped down from the camel and ran. “It’s here!” she cried a few second later. “We found it!”

  All around her, cracked and broken stone columns jutted from the sand. Beneath a thin covering of gritty grains, she could see glimpses of a white marble floor. And, at the center of it all, a carved pedestal, over which was draped a human skeleton, small bits of lavender silk flapping against its bones in the faint breeze.

  “It’s the thief from the story,” she said, awestruck.

  “Wow,” Ella muttered as she and the others gazed all around.

  “Hurray!” Snow hooted. “Now we can finally eat!”

  “Well, not quite yet,” Rapunzel said. “We have to find the—”

  “Bottle!” Lila cried. She dove to her knees and started brushing sand from something shimmering and green that was wedged in a crack in the marble floor. As soon as she could get her fingers around the long-lost object, she pried it loose. It could have been a bottle, but she wasn’t exactly sure. It was bottle-ish. Sort of. It was most certainly a container of some type, made of deep-green glass, but its shape was vaguely eggplant-like. If skulls were shaped like eggplants. Because it was also rather skull-like, with indentations where eyes, nose, and mouth would have been.

  “Whoa, that’s creepy,” Lila said, suddenly wishing this eerie artifact was not sitting in her hands.

  “Do you want me to open it?” Ella said.

  “No,” Lila replied, considering the kind of power she was about to be given if this was indeed the legendary bottle of the djinn. “I’ve got this.” There was a small silver plug, with a tiny metal hoop, sticking out from between the eyes of the eggplant skull. Lila hooked her finger through the hoop and pulled. The plug popped out surprisingly easily. And then there was the boom.

  It sounded like all the wind on the planet had suddenly gusted at once. Lila’s hair blew back, and she almost dropped the bottle. But thankfully, she held on as from the vessel a form emerged. It was humanoid in shape—at least from the torso up—with muscular arms, a thick neck, and a sharp, angular face. Its shimmering, mist-like “skin” was a deep crimson, and fire seemed to flicker about its head like the world’s most unruly hairdo. From the waist down, the djinn was nothing more than a wavering wisp of red smoke that appeared to remain tethered to something inside the bottle.

  Everybody froze, paralyzed by fear and awe. Until the djinn spoke.

  “Congratulations!” it shouted in a far cheerier-sounding voice than anyone expected. It looked down at Lila. “You are the possessor of the fabled Bottle of Baribunda, gateway to the realm of Baribunda, home of the Djinni of Baribunda. By opening the passageway between our worlds, you, the possessor of the Bottle of Baribunda, shall receive as a reward . . . one wish, granted by me, a humble djinn of Baribunda. I like saying Baribunda. And I hardly ever get a chance to. Back in Baribunda, we djinni just communicate with our minds. Sometimes I’m, like, why do I even have a mouth? Just so I can wait around for, like, eight hundred years at a stretch until some human uncorks the stupid bottle? What a boring job! But then someone actually opens the bottle, and I get to pop out and go Baribunda, Baribunda, Baribunda—and I’m, like, Oh, yeah, that’s totally worth it.”

  Lila closed her eyes.

  “Don’t be afraid, Lila,” Ella said to her. “Go ahead and wish for a way for us to destroy the Gem.”

  “No, sorry, too late,” said the djinn. “Only one wish. She already made hers.”

  “What?!” Ella gasped.

  Lila opened her eyes—wide. “I . . . I only thought something!” she said defensively.

  “Still counts,” said the djinn.

  “But, wait,” said Lila. “So did it come true? Did it happen?”

  “Good-bye from Baribunda!” shouted the djinn. And with a loud suction sound, he whooshed back into the bottle.

  Everyone started yammering at once. “What did you wish for?” someone asked—Lila wasn’t even sure who.

  “It doesn’t matter,” she answered, angrily dropping the bottle.

  Snow dove and caught it before it hit the stone floor. It was still uncorked. Boom! Out popped the djinn.

  “Congratulations!” the fiery figure shouted. “You are the possessor of the fabled Bottle of Baribunda, gateway to the realm of Baribunda, home—”

  “I wish for a jelly, jelly, dragonfruit, and ginger sandwich,” Snow blurted.

  “You only let me say two Baribundas,” the djinn said, scowling. “But fine. Here!”
<
br />   A sandwich appeared in Snow’s hand. She eagerly bit into it as the djinn shouted, “Good-bye from Baribunda!” and swooshed back into the bottle.

  Snow swallowed her second big bite before looking up to notice everybody gaping at her. “Do I have jelly on my face?”

  “What were you thinking?” Ella asked.

  “I told you all I was going to wish for a sandwich,” she said.

  “But nobody thought you were serious!” Val hollered.

  “Well, that was your first mistake,” Snow said. “I’ve never made a joke in my life. But calm down, everyone. We still have . . . one, two, three, four wishes left. There’s nothing to worry about. And I’ll share my sandwich.”

  “Give that thing to me,” Val said, grabbing the bottle out of Snow’s hand. “I’ll take care of our Rundark problem.”

  Boom! The djinn appeared. “Congratulations! You are the—”

  “I wish I could give that Lord Rundark guy a good sock in the jaw,” Val loudly declared.

  “Again? Again you cut me off?” the djinn huffed. “Whatever. Wish granted.” He zipped back into the bottle.

  Val looked around. “So where’s Rundark?” she asked with a snarl.

  “Maybe your wish will just give you the chance to sock him in the jaw,” Snow said, and took another bite of her sandwich.

  “I can live with that,” Val said, smiling as she imagined the scenario.

  “No!” Ella shrieked. “No, no, no, no, no!” She marched over to Val, her jaw—and her fists—clenched. “It is my turn! My turn! I am going to take that bottle now. And I am going to make the wish we came here to make.” She grabbed the odd glass vessel from Val. Boom.

  “Baribunda!” the djinn yelled. “Baribunda, Baribunda, Baribunda, Baribunda! Ha! I said it!”

  Ella ignored the huge, flaming mist-man. “We are trying to save the world here!” she barked at her teammates. “Not to have lunch!”

  Snow wiped a blob of jelly from her lips and looked down at her feet.

  “Or to show off how tough and macho we are,” Ella continued.

  Val scratched her head and winced.

  “Or to do secret things we’re not going to tell the rest of the group about.”

  Lila looked sheepish. “I’m afraid that if I tell, it won’t come true.”

  “It’s not your birthday, Lila,” Ella said. “It’s— Never mind. Jeez. You people drive me crazy sometimes.”

  “I haven’t done anything wrong,” Rapunzel tossed in.

  “Why do you need to point that out?!” Ella cried. “You’re just like Frederic—you can’t let anything go. Sheesh. Most of the time I can handle the craziness I get from you all. Most of the time we make a great team. And it works really well. But sometimes . . . and I hate that I’m even saying this . . . sometimes you make me wish Liam were here.”

  “Wish granted,” the djinn said.

  “What?” Ella sputtered.

  A puff of pineapple-scented smoke suddenly appeared a few feet away. And when it cleared, there was Liam, standing in the ruined temple with them, a look of utter bafflement on his face. He was thinner than usual, with a stubbly beard covering his sunken cheeks. His hair hung lank and knotty, and he appeared to be wearing an old pirate costume that someone had thrown in the trash after it had been ravaged by hungry moths and dirty-footed mice.

  “Liam!” Lila shouted, unable to believe her eyes. Others joined in, calling his name.

  “Where did you come from?” Liam muttered. “And where did the ocean go?”

  Ella’s frustration over her misinterpreted wish quickly faded. “You’re here,” she said softly. “I guess I brought you here.”

  As more of the smoke cleared, though, they realized that Liam wasn’t alone. Briar Rose was with him. And she looked terrible. Her skin was almost bone white, and her bounteous auburn hair, which was usually piled high on her head in an intimidatingly regal up-do, instead hung down to her waist in fat, twisted tangles. Her gown had been reduced to something that looked like the toga stolen off an ancient corpse.

  “What the heck is she doing here?” Ella asked, a lot less softly.

  “Don’t ask me,” Briar said, her eyes darting. “Where exactly is here anyway?”

  “Well, look at that,” said the djinn. “Got an extra one. He must have been holding her hand when I teleported him.”

  Liam and Briar quickly dropped each other’s hands.

  “Hey, the important thing is that you’re alive, right?” Ella said with a wavering smile. She gave stiff, awkward hugs to both of them. She was grateful when Lila shoved her way in between them to wrap herself around her brother. The djinn, still out in the open, watched the proceedings with a strange curiosity—until Rapunzel suddenly grabbed hold of the bottle.

  “You can teleport people?” she asked.

  “Hello? I just did,” the supernatural being replied.

  “I wish for the rest of the League of Princes to be here with us, too,” she said.

  “Granted,” the djinn said. Poof! More pineapple smoke. Gustav appeared, his skin tanner, his hair lighter, and his face covered by a full blond beard. Frederic was beside him, scratching at his own shadowy stubble. And then there was Duncan, whose cheeks were as smooth as a Granny Smith apple. Duncan could go without shaving for half a century and still not sprout a single whisker.

  The ruins erupted into a chaos of welcomings and cursing, embraces and quarrels. The djinn didn’t know what to make of it all.

  “What the heck just happened?”

  “You’re back!”

  “I’m alive!”

  “Where have you been?”

  “How could you leave us like that?”

  “Why are you here?”

  “Something’s eating your head!”

  “That’s just my amazing hat.”

  “Who are you?”

  “Get off my foot!”

  “Holy cow! Have you noticed the giant red guy floating there?”

  Fig. 23

  CASTAWAYS

  “Do you know what we’ve been through?”

  “Do not hug me.”

  “I missed you.”

  “We did fine on our own.”

  “You are all losers.”

  In the chaos, Deeb Rauber inched his way over to Rapunzel and wrenched the bottle from her hands. Ella noticed and called out to Gustav, who was nearest to the boy, “Gustav! Stop Deeb! Don’t let him make a wish on the genie!”

  “Rauber’s here?” Gustav sputtered.

  “Congratulations!” the djinn said to Rauber. “You are the possessor of the fabled Bottle of Baribunda!”

  Gustav placed his hand over the top of Rauber’s head and lifted him off the ground. He yanked the bottle from his hands and threw him into a pile of sand.

  “Congratulations!” the djinn said to Gustav. “You are the possessor of the fabled Bottle of Baribunda!”

  “Ow, man,” Rauber moaned from the ground, rubbing his lower back. “We’re on the same side, idiot.”

  “Since when?” Liam asked.

  “For almost a week now,” Ella said. “Pay attention, and I’ll try to make this as brief as possible. Rundark has used the Gem to take over all of the Thirteen Kingdoms except Avondell. He’s unbeatable unless we get a weapon that’s even more powerful than the Gem. Which is why we’re here, in Aridia, with the djinn from the Gem story—that’s the spooky red guy.”

  “I’m from the realm of Baribunda,” the djinn said. “Baribunda!”

  “Rauber’s not really working with us,” Ella went on. “But he’s here because he wants to get rid of Rundark, too.”

  “And I am therefore your partner,” Rauber said, standing up slowly.

  “Now, Gustav,” Ella said. “You are currently the possessor of the bottle. The djinn owes you one wish. Only one. Think carefully about what you’re going to say.”

  “Don’t worry,” Gustav said. “I get everything you’re saying. I’ll save the world for you.” Holding the bo
ttle under his right arm, he glanced around at the crowd. “But first, I wanna know who Madame Broadshoulders is over there and where she came from.”

  “That is Val Jeanval—a former rebel from Avondell who was jailed for assaulting a dozen royal soldiers with a stale baguette but who later escaped with the help of your female friends,” said the djinn. “Wish granted.”

  “What? Wait! No!” Gustav cursed and screamed and stomped. “Stupid silent-D thing,” he grumbled. He drew back his foot, ready to kick the bottle off into the oblivion of the desert sands.

  “Gustav, no!” Rapunzel cried out. “We each get a wish!”

  Liam snatched the bottle. “I’ll take it from here,” he said.

  “Congratulations!” said the djinn—and Liam let it prattle through its entire Baribunda speech, which made it very happy.

  “Okay,” said Liam. “I’ve got to be very careful about my wording. We know how tricky the djinn can be. No offense.”

  “I take it as a compliment,” said the djinn.

  “And watch what you think,” Lila warned. “If you think a wish, it counts!”

  “Good to know,” said Liam.

  “Just say, ‘I wish for something that can destroy the Gem,’” suggested Frederic.

  “Or say, ‘I wish for the Gem to stop working,’” Rapunzel threw in.

  “Try ‘I wish the Gem never existed,’” tried Ella.

  “No,” said Gustav. “Destroy the Gem! Or, you know, wish to destroy the Gem.”

  “Wish that the Gem would stop being mean and just be pretty,” said Snow.

  “Wish for there to be no such thing as gems,” Duncan offered.

  “I wish I was back on the deserted island,” Briar groaned.

  “Quiet!” Liam shouted. “I need to concentrate.”

  Everybody hushed up.

  “Wow,” Liam said with a smirk. “I wish it were always that easy to get you guys to shut up.”

  “Wish granted,” said the djinn.

  “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Liam howled. It was a howl so long, and so loud, that mountain climbers in Carpagia reported hearing it carried on the wind.