by Kat Mizera
“Don’t be ridiculous. He works crazy hours, I’m going to get some kind of job—maybe in retail so I can be around people and get discounts—and we’ll barely see you. But really, talk to Logan.”
“Jesus, leave it alone!” Cassie snapped. “I’m not you. You’ve had a million boyfriends since Dad, and none of them worked out. I don’t want to do that and I’m already two failed marriages in.”
“Oh, stop it,” she said, looking up with a dark scowl on her face. “Seriously, don’t do this to yourself. I love you, Cassidy, more than anything, but you’re not me and Logan isn’t your dad. Yeah, we’ve had some shit luck with men. But you know what? If this thing with Frank doesn’t work out? I’m going to keep looking because there is such a thing as a happily ever after, and I’ll be damned if I die without finding it. Yes, I’m happy right now because Frank and I made up, so I get that my view is a little skewed, but if you recall, I was telling you this the other day too. Even before Frank and I made up.
“There’s no reason for you not to live your life to the fullest. And that includes love. Logan is a great guy. Absolutely perfect for you. You have almost everything in common, he’s gorgeous and rich, he treats you well, you said he’s great in bed, and your mutual friends all get along too. What else could you possibly want from a man?”
“I don’t know, but I love him too much to subject him to this curse I have with men!”
“It’s not a curse—it’s just been a run of bad luck. Your dad did this to us, you know?” Her voice was softer now. “You watched him hurt me and then I did some dumb shit, which impacted you more than I thought it would. But your dad doesn’t get to represent the entire population of men. There are some bad ones, for sure, but there are also good ones. Think about that before you throw your life away.”
Twenty minutes later, she was gone, and Cassie was alone in the living room. Coco padded over to her, nudging her with her snout, and Cassie absently petted her. There had been something she’d been wanting to do for a long time, but had never had the time or energy for it. Maybe it was time. It wouldn’t change anything, but it might give her some sort of closure.
She looked up the number in the contacts of her phone since it wasn’t one she dialed often and then slowly pressed the button. It was early afternoon in Tennessee and she didn’t know whether or not her father was at work, but she’d leave a message if nothing else. If he didn’t call back, that would tell her everything she needed to know.
“Cassidy?” Her father’s voice was strange, distant, and filled with surprise.
“Hi, Dad.” She cleared her throat.
“Everything okay?”
“I’m fine, yes. I just, well, I wanted to talk to you.”
“I’m at work, but I have a few minutes. What do you need?”
“Answers.”
“Answers?”
“Why did you leave Mom and me? And don’t say the marriage wasn’t working or any of that bullshit. People get divorced every day, but they don’t just abandon their kids.”
He was quiet for a long time.
“Dad?”
“There’s no easy answer to that, Cassie.”
“Well, can you try?”
“Your mom and I had a summer fling, so to speak. I was in Alaska working a summer job. I had a life back home, a girlfriend, no plans to stay in Alaska. Then your mom got pregnant and there was a lot of pressure to do the right thing. So I did. Until I couldn’t anymore. I missed Tennessee, my friends and family. The girl I left behind.”
“If you loved her so much, why would you cheat on her?”
“I was twenty-one and having the time of my life. I’m not proud of it, but it’s reality.”
“Okay, so why did you leave me?”
“Alaska is far, and it’s expensive to travel there. I left Anchorage with nothing. No job, no education, the clothes on my back. It took me years to get on my feet, and by that time, you were a teenager and didn’t want to see me.”
“That’s not true.”
“You didn’t want to talk on the phone, you never called me, you seemed pissed off at the world.”
“I was a teenager!” I said in frustration. “We were broke and alone because of you. So yeah, I was mad, but you’re the dad. It was your job to make me feel better.”
“I know. I should have. But hindsight is twenty-twenty.”
“That’s a tired excuse.”
“I’m sorry, Cassidy. I don’t know what else I can say.”
“Why did you tell Mom you didn’t want kids and then you had two more when you remarried?”
“Because I didn’t want kids with her. Look, this may sound mean, but I didn’t love your mom. She was a summer fling that ended with an unwanted pregnancy. I tried to do right by both of you, but I wasn’t happy, and if she’s honest with herself, neither was she. I thought I was doing us a favor. By leaving her in her thirties, she still had a chance to find someone else, maybe have more kids.”
“Yeah, that didn’t happen. She says you were the love of her life.”
He sighed. “Then I’m sorry for that. But she wasn’t mine.”
“And I was just that unwanted pregnancy who cost you money.”
“No…it’s not like that. It was just so hard. You can’t possibly understand how much I resented her for getting pregnant.”
“Says the guy who refused to wear a condom.”
He coughed. “Your mom tells you everything, huh?”
“Up until recently, I was all she had.”
“She’s remarried?”
“No, but she met someone amazing, so I hope that’s where it’s going.”
“Cass, I’m sorry. I was young and did some stupid stuff, but I don’t know what I can say now that’s going to change the past.”
“Nothing is going to change the past, but I needed to hear you say it. It’s hard knowing your father never loved you.”
“That’s not true. I loved you more than anything, but I couldn’t take you with me, and Maya couldn’t move to Nashville, so I had to let you go.”
“And you’re okay with that? Moving on, starting a whole new family without a second thought to the kid you left behind?”
“I thought about you all the time. I sent money until you were eighteen. I flew you out here when you were thirteen… Remember?”
“Yeah.” She snorted. “Your wife hated me, your kids wanted nothing to do with me, and your family treated me like a pariah.”
“Stacy was jealous, the kids were too little to understand, and my family resented what you represented.”
“To a thirteen-year-old, there’s no distinction there.”
“I know.” He was quiet again. “I don’t know what to say. Obviously, this rift between us is irreparable, but—”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why is it irreparable? I’m still your daughter. I have two half-siblings I don’t even know. They’re still kids. Are you saying I can’t know the other half of my family, ever?”
“Well, no, but…I guess I never thought you’d want to.”
“You’re still my dad!” she cried, mortified that she was on the verge of tears.
“I know. And I’m sorry—”
“Stop saying you’re sorry! Jesus fucking Christ, just stop.” She swiped at her eyes. “I guess this was a mistake. Don’t worry, I won’t bother you again.”
“No, wait.” He took a breath. “What if we tried to find a time for you to come to Nashville? You could come for a visit, and we could get to know each other again? Your sister, Lila, is thirteen and your brother, Damian, is ten. We watched one of your hockey games online a few months back and they were fascinated. And Stacy has mellowed. Really. It would be different this time.”
“You watched one of my games?” she asked in surprise.
“I follow you on Instagram and then started following your hockey career.”
“Oh.” She was taken aback.
“Listen, my lun
ch hour is over, and I have to get back to work, but really. I’d like to see you. Let’s talk soon and see if we can figure out a time you can come.”
“Probably not until summer.”
“Okay.”
“The ball is in your court, Dad.”
“I know. And I’d like to see if we can rebuild our relationship.”
“Me too.” The words were a whisper, but he obviously heard it.
“I love you, Cassidy. We’ll talk soon.”
Cassie hung up and burst into tears. Years of pain and resentment and feelings of inadequacy came pouring out until she could barely breathe. A dam burst inside of her and it came pouring out with a torrent of emotion she couldn’t control.
“Hey.” Logan’s touch on her back was light but she turned into his arms, burying her face in his chest without hesitation. He stroked her hair and held her, not saying a word. She was too caught up in her emotions to think about what she was doing; she just needed someone to hold her. She’d never felt more heartbroken and alone than she did right now, even though her father had said he wanted to see her, get to know her again. Somehow, she didn’t believe it.
She didn’t know how long she cried, but finally her sobs turned to soft sniffles and hiccups. She wanted to move but being in Logan’s arms was the only place she truly felt wanted. Safe. Content.
God, it was so hard not having him in her life. She didn’t just love him, she liked him. And that was different than anyone else in her life.
“You okay?” He pulled away enough to gently lift her chin with his thumb and forefinger, looking into her eyes.
“I’m…better.” She met his gaze guiltily. “Thank you for…being here.”
“It’s okay. You seem pretty upset.”
“I just got off the phone with my dad.”
“Your dad?” He looked surprised. “I didn’t think you had a relationship with him.”
“I don’t.” She collapsed against his chest again. “It’s so exhausting, Logan.”
“What is?”
“Everything. Life, love, my parents, every goddamn thing.”
“Me?” he asked softly.
“No, not you. Never you.”
32
Logan’s heart skipped a beat at her words, and his arms tightened around her. He’d been hoping she wouldn’t be home when he’d stopped at the house to get his bag before tonight’s hockey game, but hearing her sobbing as if she might not ever recover had been more than he could stand. Even if she didn’t want to be with him, they’d been friends the last two years, and whatever this was, he couldn’t just walk by and pretend he didn’t see her suffering. Despite the issues between them, he’d had no choice but to see if he could help, hold her while she cried, if nothing else.
Now she’d said he was the only thing in her life that wasn’t exhausting. That was good, right?
“Then why won’t you give us a chance?” he whispered against her temple, his arms closing around her a little tighter. He had a shot here, and he was going to take it.
“Because I’m scared! Because one of us is going to get hurt.”
“But being apart hurts us, too.” He paused. “Well, me anyway.”
Her tear-filled eyes lifted to his, searching his face. “I never wanted to hurt you. That’s what I’m afraid of.”
“If you love me, you’re never going to hurt me.”
“Logan.” Her eyes closed and she threw her arms around his neck, starting to cry all over again.
“Don’t cry, baby. This thing between us is scary, because we’re both bad at it, but we’ve got each other. That has to count for something, right?”
She sniffled into his shoulder. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to hurt me. Everything is so fucking hard.”
“But it’s not,” he whispered. “We were friends first and everything else came naturally…didn’t it? It happened on its own and maybe that’s because it’s meant to be. Maybe it’s because this thing between us is right. I’ve never felt like this about anyone, and having you here—in my home, my bed, my life—is amazing. Why are you overthinking everything and making it complicated?”
“Because everyone always leaves me,” she whispered.
“I’m not your dad,” he whispered back. “And I’m sure as fuck not your first two husbands. I’m never going to treat you how they treated you. Never. I love you, Cassie, and you have to decide if you love me enough to try.”
“I love you so much it hurts.”
“God, baby, don’t do this to us.” He leaned forward until their foreheads were touching. “Just let it happen. Everything is better when we’re together. Everything.”
“I know but—” She closed her eyes. “Say it again, Logan. Please.”
“I love you.”
He waited, assuming she’d say it back, but she didn’t. Instead, she smiled.
“You have no idea how much that means to me.”
“But you can’t say it back?” He was a little confused.
“I did say it a minute ago but…” She swallowed, her eyes fluttering open. “Can you be patient, Logan? Just a little longer. I have to… Um, I have to get a few things straight in my head. I need to go visit my dad. I know that makes no sense, but it does to me. I have to sort out that relationship, one way or another, before I can either move on or start over. So to speak. I thought I’d wait until summer, but I can’t. I need answers now, no matter how bad the timing is.”
“He’s in Nashville, right?”
“Yes.”
“We play Nashville next week.”
Their eyes met and hers widened a little. “You’d come with me?”
“If you want me to.”
“Yes. God, yes.” She hugged him tightly. “I don’t know what I did to deserve you, Logan Pelletier, but I’m going to do my best to be what you need me to be.”
“I just need you to be you. Nothing more, nothing less.”
“I have to see him. I don’t know why, but it feels like my whole life is on hold until I sort this out.”
“Okay.”
“That’s it?”
“If that’s what you need, then that’s what we’ll do. If you want, I’ll see if I can travel to Nashville on my own, so I can go with you, maybe even a day ahead of time, depending on where we are. I think we’re in St. Louis before that, so I could even drive to Nashville and meet you there. We could meet up with your dad, do whatever you want to do, and then I’ll catch up to the team.”
“I’ve only been outside of Alaska once before, to fly to Nashville to see my dad when I was thirteen. That was it.”
“Then why don’t you meet me in St. Louis and we can add Missouri to your list?”
She smiled, gently touching his face. “You’re a good guy, Logan.”
He leaned in and gently kissed her.
Logan was a little confused about this whole thing with Cassie’s dad, but she’d admitted she loved him, so he was willing to let her work through whatever this was. He understood the need to get some kind of closure with her father after he’d walked out the way he did, but Logan wasn’t quite sure what it had to do with him. All he knew was that it was important to her, so it had to be important to him.
“Sometimes you have to come to terms with the past before you can truly embrace the future,” Ryder said as they left the arena after the game in St. Louis. He knew Cassie was in town and that they were driving to Nashville in the morning.
“Yeah, I guess. It’s just weird that she’s got me in this holding pattern, where we’re back together, but we’re not.”
“Sex?” Ryder asked.
Logan shook his head. “Like I said, it’s a weird dynamic right now. We’re back together, but we’re not together-together until she figures this out. Whatever it is.”
“Well, while the no-sex thing sucks, it’s all going to be settled one way or another tomorrow, right?”
“I hope so. I mostly want to punch her dad in
the face and walk away, but I don’t think that’s what she needs from me.”
Ryder chuckled. “I’m going to go out on a limb and agree with that statement.”
“I thought I was happy being single,” Logan said thoughtfully as they walked. “But now I feel like I’m not complete without her. Is that stupid?”
“Nah. I get it. I haven’t found her yet, but when I do, I’ll be right there with you.”
“You ready for all that?”
“Honestly, I don’t think it’s a matter of being ready or not—it’s about the person. Once you find them, that’s it. You can say you’re not ready until the cows come home, but when that person comes into your life, you can’t help it.”
“Tell me about it. It’s pissing me off.” Logan said the words but there was a half-smile on his face.
“I think you have to step up to the plate with this, though. Like get a feel for how things are going to go, but also make it clear to her, to her dad, and whoever else, that you’ve got her back and you’re not going to let them hurt her. I don’t know how, exactly, you need to get that across, but I think it’s important.”
“Thanks a lot,” Logan said, shaking his head. “That’s really fucking helpful.”
“Hey, I didn’t say I was good at this stuff. Armchair quarterbacking is easy.”
“That’s for sure.”
“Look, I’m definitely not an expert, but my dad always says that the best thing you can do for the woman you love is support her. Physically, emotionally, financially—whatever way that particular woman needs. Right now, she needs emotional support.”
“Are your parents still together?” he asked curiously.
“Yup. Since high school. I can’t even imagine being married to my high school girlfriend, but I didn’t think I wanted to marry her then either, so I’m assuming when you know, you know.” He paused. “Do you want to marry Cassie?”
Logan looked up at the sky for a minute and then turned to Ryder. “I fucking do. How messed up is that?”
“It’s not messed up. It’s awesome. And someday, when this shit happens to me, you’ll remind me of this.”
“You’re not going to marry Cindy, are you?”
